‘If you defeat me by magic, magic will rule,’ said the duke. ‘And you can’t do it. And any king raised with your help would be under your power. Hagridden, I might say. That which magic rules, magic destroys. It would destroy you, too. You know it. Ha. Ha.’
Granny’s knuckles whitened as he moved closer.
‘You could strike me down,’ he said. ‘And perhaps you could find someone to replace me. But he would have to be a fool indeed, because he would know he was under your evil eye, and if he mispleased you, why, his life would be instantly forfeit. You could protest all you wished, but he’d know he ruled with your permission. And that would make him no king at all. Is this not true?’
Granny looked away. The other witches hung back, ready to duck.
‘I
Beside him King Verence’s fist smashed through the air and quite failed to connect.
The duke leaned closer until his nose was an inch from Granny’s face.
‘Get back to your cauldrons, wyrd sisters,’ he said softly.
‘You could give him boils or something,’ said Nanny Ogg. ‘Haemorrhoids are good. That’s allowed. It won’t stop him ruling, it just means he’ll have to rule standing up. Always good for a laugh, that. Or piles.’
Granny Weatherwax said nothing. If fury were heat, her hat would have caught fire.
‘Mind you, that’d probably make him worse,’ said Nanny, running to keep up. ‘Same with toothache.’ She gave a sideways glance at Granny’s twitching features.
‘You needn’t fret,’ she said. ‘They didn’t do anything much. But thanks, anyway.’
‘I ain’t worried about you, Gytha Ogg,’ snapped Granny. ‘I only come along ‘cos Magrat was fretting. What I say is, if a witch can’t look after herself, she’s got no business calling herself a witch.’
‘Magrat done well with the woodwork, I thought.’
Even in the grip of her sullen fury, Granny Weatherwax spared a nod.
‘She’s coming along,’ she said. She looked up and down the corridor, and then leaned closer to Nanny Ogg’s ear.
‘I ain’t going to give him the pleasure of saying it,’ she said, ‘but he’s got us beaten.’
‘Well, I don’t know,’ said Nanny. ‘Our Jason and a few sharp lads could soon—’
‘You saw some of his guards. These aren’t the old sort. These are a tough kind.’
‘We could give the boys just a bit of help—’
‘It wouldn’t work. People have to sort this sort of thing out for themselves.’
‘If you say so, Esme,’ said Nanny meekly.
‘I do. Magic’s there to be ruled, not for ruling.’
Nanny nodded and then, remembering a promise, reached down and picked up a fragment of stone from the rubble on the tunnel floor.
‘I thought you’d forgotten,’ said the ghost of the king, by her ear.
Further down the passage the Fool was capering after Magrat.
‘Can I see you again?’ he said.
‘Well … I don’t know,’ said Magrat, her heart singing a smug song.
‘How about tonight?’ said the Fool.
‘Oh, no,’ said Magrat. ‘I’m very busy tonight.’ She had intended to curl up with a hot milk drink and Goodie Whemper’s notebooks on experimental astrology, but instinct told her that any suitor should have an uphill struggle put in front of him, just to make him keener.
‘Tomorrow night, then?’ the Fool persisted.
‘I think I should be washing my hair.’
‘I could get Friday night free.’
‘We do a lot of work at night, you see—’
‘The afternoon, then.’
Magrat hesitated. Perhaps instinct had got it wrong. ‘Well—’ she said.
‘About two o’clock. In the meadow by the pond, all right?’
‘Well—’
‘See you there, then. All right?’ said the Fool desperately.
‘Fool!’ The duchess’s voice echoed along the passage, and a look of terror crossed his face.
‘I’ve got to go,’ he said. ‘The meadow, OK? I’ll wear something so you recognize me. All right?’
‘All right,’ echoed Magrat, hypnotized by the sheer pressure of his persistence. She turned and ran after the other witches.
There was pandemonium outside the castle. The crowd that had been there at Granny’s arrival had grown considerably, and had flowed in through the now unguarded gateway and lapped around the keep. Civil disobedience was new to Lancre, but its inhabitants had already mastered some of its more elementary manifestations, viz, the jerking of rakes and sickles in the air with simple up-and-down motions accompanied by grimaces and cries of ‘Gerrh!’, although a few citizens, who hadn’t quite grasped the idea, were waving flags and cheering. Advanced students were already eyeing the more combustible buildings inside the walls. Several sellers of hot meat pies and sausages in a bun had appeared from nowhere and were doing a brisk trade. Pretty soon someone was going to throw something.
The three witches stood at the top of the steps that led to the keep’s main door and surveyed the seas of faces.
‘There’s our Jason,’ said Nanny happily. ‘And Wane and Darron and Kev and Trev and Nev—’
‘I will remember their faces,’ said Lord Felmet, emerging between them and putting a hand on their shoulders. ‘And do you see my archers, on the walls?’
‘I see ‘em,’ said Granny grimly.
‘Then smile and wave,’ said the duke. ‘So that the people may know that all is well. After all, have you not been to see me today on matters of state?’
He leaned closer to Granny.
‘Yes, there are a hundred things you could do,’ he said. ‘But the ending would always be the same.’ He drew back. ‘I’m not an unreasonable man, I hope,’ he added, in cheerful tones. ‘Perhaps, if you persuade the people to be calm, I may be prevailed upon to moderate my rule somewhat. I make no promises, of course.’
Granny said nothing.
‘Smile and wave,’ commanded the duke.
Granny raised one hand in a vague motion and produced a brief rictus that had nothing whatsoever to do with humour. Then she scowled and nudged Nanny Ogg, who was waving and mugging like a maniac.
‘No need to get carried away,’ she hissed.
‘But there’s our Reet and our Sharleen and their babbies,’ said Nanny. ‘Coo-eee!’
‘Will you shut up, you daft old besom!’ snapped Granny. ‘And pull yourself together!’
‘Jolly good, well done,’ said the duke. He raised his hands, or at least his hand. The other still ached. He’d tried the grater again last night, but it hadn’t worked.
‘People of Lancre,’ he cried, ‘do not be afeared! I am your friend. I will protect you from the witches! They have agreed to leave you in peace!’
Granny stared at him as he spoke. He’s one of these here maniac depressives, she said. Up and down like a wossname. Kill you one minute and ask you how you’re feeling the next.
She became aware that he was looking at her expectantly.
‘What?’
‘I said, I’ll now call upon the respected Granny Weatherwax to say a few words, ha ha,’ he said.
‘You said that, did you?’
‘Yes!’
‘You’ve gone a long way too far,’ said Granny.
‘I have, haven’t I!’ The duke giggled.
Granny turned to the expectant crowds, which went silent.
‘Go home,’ she said.
There was a further long silence.
‘Is that all?’ said the duke.
‘Yes.’
‘What about pledges of eternal allegiance?’
‘What about them? Gytha, will you stop waving at people!’
‘Sorry.’
‘And now we are going to go, too,’ said Granny.
‘But we were getting on so well,’ said the duke.
‘Come, Gytha,’ said Granny icily. ‘And where’s Magrat got to?’
Magrat looked up guiltily. She had been deep in conversation with the Fool, although it was the kind of conversation where both parties spend a lot of time looking at their feet and picking at their fingernails. Ninety per cent of true love is acute, ear-burning embarrassment.
‘We’re leaving,’ said Granny.
‘Friday afternoon, remember,’ hissed the Fool.
‘Well, if I can,’ said Magrat.
Nanny Ogg leered.
And so Granny Weatherwax swept down the steps and through the crowds, with the other two running behind her. Several of the grinning guards caught her eye and wished they hadn’t, but here and there, among the watching crowd, was a barely suppressed snigger. She hurtled through the gateway, across the drawbridge and through the town. Granny walking fast could beat most other people at a run.
Behind them the duke, who had crested the latest maniac peak on the switchback of his madness and was coasting speedily towards the watersplash of despair, laughed.
‘Ha ha.’
Granny didn’t stop until she was outside the town and under the welcoming eaves of the forest. She turned off the road and flumped down on a log, her face in her hands.
The other two approached her carefully. Magrat patted her on the back.
‘Don’t despair,’ she said. ‘You handled it very well, we thought.’
‘I ain’t despairing, I’m thinking,’ said Granny. ‘Go away.’
Nanny Ogg raised her eyebrows at Magrat in a warning fashion. They backed off to a suitable distance although, with Granny in her present mood, the next universe might not be far enough, and sat down on a moss-grown stone.
‘Are you all right?’ said Magrat. ‘They didn’t do anything, did they?’
‘Never laid a finger on me,’ said Nanny. She sniffed. ‘They’re not your real royalty,’ she added. ‘Old King Gruneweld, for one, he wouldn’t have wasted time waving things around and menacing people. It’d been bang, needles right under the fingernails from the word go, and no messing. None of this evil laughter stuff. He was a
‘Oh, him.’ Magrat blushed hotly under her pale makeup. ‘Really, he’s just this man. He just follows me around.’
‘Can be difficult, can that,’ said Nanny sagely.
‘Besides, he’s so small. And he
all over the place,’ said Magrat.
‘Looked at him carefully, have you?’ said the old witch.
‘Pardon?’
‘You haven’t, have you? I thought not. He’s a very clever man, that Fool. He ought to have been one of them actor men.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Next time you have a look at him like a witch, not like a woman,’ said Nanny, and gave Magrat a conspiratorial nudge. ‘Good bit of work with the door back there,’ she added. ‘Coming on well, you are. I hope you told him about Greebo.’
‘He said he’d let him out directly, Nanny.’
There was a snort from Granny Weatherwax.
‘Did you hear the sniggering in the crowd?’ she said. ‘Someone sniggered!’
Nanny Ogg sat down beside her.
‘And a couple of them pointed,’ she said. ‘I know.’
‘It’s not to be borne!’
Magrat sat down on the other end of the log.
‘There’s other witches,’ she said. ‘There’s lots of witches further up the Ramtops. Maybe they can help.’
The other two looked at her in pained surprise.
‘I don’t think we need go
.’
‘Very bad practice,’ nodded Nanny Ogg.
‘But you asked a demon to help you,’ said Magrat.
‘No, we didn’t,’ said Granny.
‘Right. We didn’t.’
‘We ordered it to assist.’
‘S’right.’
Granny Weatherwax stretched out her legs and looked at her boots. They were good strong boots, with hobnails and crescent-shaped scads; you couldn’t believe a cobbler had made them, someone had laid down a sole and
‘I mean, there’s that witch over Skund way,’ she said. ‘Sister Whosis, wossname, her son went off to be a sailor—you know, Gytha, her who sniffs and puts them antimassacres on the backs of chairs soon as you sits down—’
‘Grodley,’ said Nanny Ogg. ‘Sticks her little finger out when she drinks her tea and drops her Haitches all the time.’
‘Yes. Hwell. I haven’t hlowered myself to talk to her hever since that business with the gibbet, you recall. I daresay she’d just love to come snooping haround here, running her fingers over heverything and sniffling, telling us how to do things. Oh, yes.
. We’d all be in a fine to-do if we went around helping all the time.’
‘Yes, and over Skund way the trees talk to you and walk around of night,’ said Nanny. ‘Without even asking permission. Very poor organization.’
‘Not really good organization, like we’ve got here?’ said Magrat.
Granny stood up purposefully.
‘I’m going home,’ she said.
There are thousands of good reasons why magic doesn’t rule the world. They’re called witches and wizards, Magrat reflected, as she followed the other two back to the road.
It was probably some wonderful organization on the part of Nature to protect itself. It saw to it that everyone with any magical talent was about as ready to co-operate as a she-bear with toothache, so all that dangerous power was safely dissipated as random bickering and rivalry. There were differences in style, of course. Wizards assassinated each other in draughty corridors, witches just cut one another dead in the street. And they were all as self-centred as a spinning top. Even when they help other people, she thought, they’re secretly doing it for themselves. Honestly, they’re just like big children.
Except for me, she thought smugly.
‘She’s very upset, isn’t she,’ said Magrat to Nanny Ogg.
‘Ah, well,’ said Nanny. ‘There’s the problem, see. The more you get used to magic, the more you don’t want to use it. The more it gets in your way. I expect, when you were just starting out, you learned a few spells from Goodie Whemper, maysherestinpeace, and you used them all the time, didn’t you?’
‘Well, yes. Everyone does.’
‘Well-known fact,’ agreed Nanny. ‘But when you get along in the Craft, you learn that the hardest magic is the sort you don’t use at all.’
Magrat considered the proposition cautiously. ‘This isn’t some kind of Zen, is it?’ she said.
‘Dunno. Never seen one.’
‘When we were in the dungeons, Granny said something about trying the rocks. That sounded like pretty hard magic.’
‘Well, Goodie wasn’t much into rocks,’ said Nanny. ‘It’s not really hard. You just prod their memories. You know, of the old days. When they were hot and runny.’
She hesitated, and her hand flew to her pocket. She gripped the lump of castle stone and relaxed.
‘Thought I’d forgotten it, for a minute,’ she said, lifting it out. ‘You can come out now.’
He was barely visible in the brightness of day, a mere shimmer in the air under the trees. King Verence blinked. He wasn’t used to daylight.
‘Esme,’ said Nanny. ‘There’s someone to see you.’
Granny turned slowly and squinted at the ghost.
‘I saw you in the dungeon, didn’t I?’ she said. ‘Who’re you?’
‘Verence, King of Lancre,’ said the ghost, and bowed. ‘Do I have the honour of addressing Granny Weatherwax, doyenne of witches?’
It has already been pointed out that just because Verence came from a long line of kings didn’t mean that he was basically stupid, and a year without the distractions of the flesh had done wonders as well. Granny Weatherwax considered herself totally unsusceptible to buttering up, but the king was expertly applying the equivalent of the dairy surplus of quite a large country. Bowing was a particularly good touch.
A muscle twitched at the corner of Granny’s mouth. She gave a stiff little bow in return, because she wasn’t quite sure what ‘doyenne’ meant.
‘I’m her,’ she conceded.
‘You can get up now,’ she added, regally.
King Verence remained kneeling, about two inches above the actual ground.
‘I crave a boon,’ he said urgently.
‘Here, how did you get out of the castle?’ said Granny.
‘The esteemed Nanny Ogg assisted me,’ said the king. ‘I reasoned, if I am anchored to the stones of Lancre, then I can also go where the stones go. I am afraid I indulged in a little trickery to arrange matters. Currently I am haunting her apron.’
‘Not the first, either,’ said Granny, automatically.
‘Esme!’
‘And I beg you, Granny Weatherwax, to restore my son to the throne.’
‘Restore?’
‘You know what I mean. He is in good health?’
Granny nodded. ‘The last time we looked at him, he was eating an apple,’ she said.
‘It is his destiny to be King of Lancre!’
‘Yes, well. Destiny is tricky, you know,’ said Granny.
‘You will not help?’
Granny looked wretched. ‘It’s meddling, you see,’ she said. ‘It always goes wrong if you meddle in politics. Like, once you start, you can’t stop. Fundamental rule of magic, is that. You can’t go around messing with fundamental rules.’
‘You’re not going to help?’
‘Well … naturally, one day, when your lad is a bit older …’
‘Where is he now?’ said the king, coldly.
The witches avoided one another’s faces.
‘We saw him safe out of the country, you see,’ said Granny awkwardly.
‘Very good family,’ Nanny Ogg put in quickly.
‘What kind of people?’ said the king. ‘Not commoners, I trust?’
‘Absolutely not,’ said Granny with considerable firmness as a vision of Vitoller floated across her imagination. ‘Not common at all. Very uncommon. Er.’
Her eyes implored Magrat for help.
‘They were Thespians,’ said Magrat firmly, her voice radiating such approval that the king found himself nodding automatically.
‘Oh,’ he said. ‘Good.’
‘Were they?’ whispered Nanny Ogg. ‘They didn’t look it.’
‘Don’t show your ignorance, Gytha Ogg,’ sniffed Granny. She turned back to the ghost of the king. ‘Sorry about that, your majesty. It’s just her showing off. She don’t even know where Thespia is .’
‘Wherever it is, I hope that they know how to school a man in the arts of war,’ said Verence. ‘I know Felmet. In ten years he’ll be dug in here like a toad in a stone.’