Hogswatchnight came round, marking the start of another year. And, with alarming suddenness, nothing happened.
The skies were clear, the snow deep and crisped like icing sugar.
The freezing forests were silent and smelled of tin. The only things that fell from the sky were the occasional fresh showers of snow.
A man walked across the moors from Razorback to Lancre town without seeing a single marshlight, headless dog, strolling tree, ghostly coach or comet, and had to be taken in by a tavern and given a drink to unsteady his nerves.
The stoicism of the Ramtoppers, developed over the years as a sovereign resistance to the thaumaturgical chaos, found itself unable to cope with the sudden change. It was like a noise which isn’t heard until it stops.
Granny Weatherwax heard it now as she lay snug under a pile of quilts in her freezing bedroom. Hogswatchnight is, traditionally, the one night of the Disc’s long year when witches are expected to stay at home, and she’d had an early night in the company of a bag of apples and a stone hotwater bottle. But something had awoken her from her doze.
An ordinary person would have crept downstairs, possibly armed with a poker. Granny simply hugged her knees and let her mind wander.
It hadn’t been in the house. She could feel the small, fast minds of mice, and the fuzzy minds of her goats as they lay in their cosy flatulence in the outhouse. A hunting owl was a sudden dagger of alertness as it glided over the rooftops.
Granny concentrated harder, until her mind was full of the tiny chittering of the insects in the thatch and the woodworm in the beams. Nothing of interest there.
She snuggled down and let herself drift out into the forest, which was silent except for the occasional muffled thump as snow slid off a tree. Even in midwinter the forest was full of life, usually dozing in burrows or hibernating in the middle of trees.
All as usual. She spread herself further, to the high moors and secret passes where the wolves ran silently over the frozen crust; she touched their minds, sharp as knives. Higher still, and there was nothing in the snowfields but packs of vermine.
Everything was as it should be, with the exception that nothing was right. There was something—yes, there was something
Something that, if it didn’t stop feeling lost and forlorn very soon, was going to get
Nothing there. Nothing there. The feeling was all around her, and there was nothing to cause it. She’d gone down about as far as she could, to the smallest creature in the kingdom, and there was nothing there.
Granny Weatherwax sat up in bed, lit a candle and reached for an apple. She glared at her bedroom wall.
She didn’t like being beaten. There was something out there, something drinking in magic, something growing, something that seemed so alive it was all around the house, and she couldn’t find it.
She reduced the apple to its core and placed it carefully in the tray of the candlestick. Then she blew out the candle.
The cold velvet of the night slid back into the room.
Granny had one last try. Perhaps she was looking in the wrong way …
A moment later she was lying on the floor with the pillow clasped around her head.
And to think she had expected it to be
The Fool lay on his flagstones and shivered in his sleep. He appreciated the honour, if it was an honour, but sleeping in the corridor always made him dream of the Fools’ Guild, behind whose severe grey walls he had trembled his way through seven years of terrible tuition. The flagstones were slightly softer than the beds there, though.
A few feet away a suit of armour jingled gently. Its pike vibrated in its mailed glove until, swishing through the night air like a swooping bat, it slid down and shattered the flagstone by the Fool’s ear.
The Fool sat up and realized he was still shivering. So was the floor.
In Lord Felmet’s room the shaking sent cascades of dust down from the ancient four-poster. He awoke from a dream that a great beast was tramping around the castle, and decided with horror that it might be true.
A portrait of some long-dead king fell off the wall. The duke screamed.
The Fool stumbled in, trying to keep his balance on a floor that was now heaving like the sea, and the duke staggered out of bed and grabbed the little man by his jerkin.
‘What’s happening?’ he hissed. ‘Is it an earthquake?’
‘We don’t have them in these parts, my lord,’ said the Fool, and was knocked aside as a chaise-longue drifted slowly across the carpet.
The duke dashed to the window, and looked out at the forests in the moonlight. The white-capped trees shook in the still night air.
A slab of plaster crashed on to the floor. Lord Felmet spun around and this time his grip lifted the Fool a foot off the floor.
Among the very many luxuries the duke had dispensed with in his life was that of ignorance. He liked to feel he knew what was going on. The glorious uncertainties of existence held no attraction for him.
‘It’s the witches, isn’t it?’ he growled, his left cheek beginning to twitch like a landed fish. ‘They’re out there, aren’t they? They’re putting an Influence on the castle, aren’t they?’
‘Marry, nuncle—’ the Fool began.
‘They run this country, don’t they?’
‘No, my lord, they’ve never—’
‘
‘Er, you did, my lord,’ he quavered.
‘Are you arguing with me?’
‘No, my lord!’
‘I thought so. You’re in league with them, I suppose?’
‘My lord!’ said the Fool, really shocked.
‘You’re all in league, you people!’ the duke snarled. ‘The whole bunch of you! You’re nothing but a pack of ringleaders!’
He flung the Fool aside and thrust the tall windows open, striding out into the freezing night air. He glared out over the sleeping kingdom.
‘Do you all hear me?’ he screamed. ‘I am the king!’
The shaking stopped, catching the duke off-balance. He steadied himself quickly, and brushed the plaster dust off his nightshirt.
‘Right, then,’ he said.
But this was worse. Now the forest was listening. The words he spoke vanished into a great vacuum of silence.
There was something out there. He could feel it. It was strong enough to shake the castle, and now it was watching him, listening to him.
The duke backed away, very carefully, fumbling behind him for the window catch. He stepped carefully into the room, shut the windows and hurriedly pulled the curtains across.
‘I am the king,’ he repeated, quietly. He looked at the Fool, who felt that something was expected of him.
The man is my lord and master, he thought. I have eaten his salt, or whatever all that business was. They told me at Guild school that a Fool should be faithful to his master until the very end, after all others have deserted him. Good or bad doesn’t come into it. Every leader needs his Fool. There is only loyalty. That’s the whole thing. Even if he is clearly three-parts bonkers, I’m his Fool until one of us dies.
To his horror he realized the duke was weeping.
The Fool fumbled in his sleeve and produced a rather soiled red and yellow handkerchief embroidered with bells. The duke took it with an expression of pathetic gratitude and blew his nose. Then he held it away from him and gazed at it with demented suspicion.
‘Is this a dagger I see before me?’ he mumbled.
‘Um. No, my lord. It’s my handkerchief, you see. You can sort of tell the difference if you look closely. It doesn’t have as many sharp edges.’
‘
‘Kneel beside me, my Fool.’
The Fool did so. The duke laid a soiled bandage on his shoulder.
‘Are you loyal, Fool?’ he said. ‘Are you trustworthy?’
‘I swore to follow my lord until death,’ said the Fool hoarsely.
The duke pressed his mad face close to the Fool, who looked up into a pair of bloodshot eyes.
‘I didn’t want to,’ he hissed conspiratorially. ‘They made me do it. I didn’t want—’
The door swung open. The duchess filled the doorway. In fact, she was nearly the same shape.
‘Leonal!’ she barked.
The Fool was fascinated by what happened to the duke’s eyes. The mad red flame vanished, was sucked backwards, and was replaced by the hard blue stare he had come to recognize. It didn’t mean, he realized, that the duke was any less mad. Even the coldness of his sanity was madness in a way. The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it regularly went cuckoo.
Lord Felmet looked up calmly.
‘Yes, my dear?’
‘What is the meaning of all this?’ she demanded.
‘Witches, I suspect,’ said Lord Felmet.
‘I really don’t think—’ the Fool began. Lady Felmet’s glare didn’t merely silence him, it almost nailed him to the wall.
‘That is clearly apparent,’ she said. ‘You are an idiot.’
‘A Fool, my lady.’
‘As well,’ she added, and turned back to her husband.
‘So,’ she said, smiling grimly. ‘Still they defy you?’
The duke shrugged. ‘How should I fight magic?’ he said.
‘With words,’ said the Fool, without thinking, and was instantly sorry. They were both staring at him.
‘What?’ said the duchess.
The Fool dropped his mandolin in his embarrassment.
‘In—in the Guild,’ said the Fool, ‘we learned that words can be more powerful even than magic.’
‘Clown!’ said the duke. ‘Words are just words. Brief syllables. Sticks and stones may break my bones—’ he paused, savouring the thought —’but words can never hurt me.’
‘My lord, there are such words that can,’ said the Fool. ‘Liar! Usurper! Murderer!’
The duke jerked back and gripped the arms of the throne, wincing.
‘Such words have no truth,’ said the Fool, hurriedly. ‘But they can spread like fire underground, breaking out to burn—’
‘It’s true! It’s true!’ screamed the duke. ‘I hear them, all the time!’ He leaned forward. ‘It’s the witches!’ he hissed.
‘Then, then, then they can be fought with other words,’ said the Fool. ‘Words can fight even witches.’
‘What words?’ said the duchess, thoughtfully.
The Fool shrugged. ‘Crone. Evil eye. Stupid old woman.’
The duchess raised one thick eyebrow.
‘You are not entirely an idiot, are you,’ she said. ‘You refer to rumour.’
‘Just so, my lady.’ The Fool rolled his eyes. What had he got himself into?
‘It’s the witches,’ whispered the duke, to no-one in particular. ‘We must tell the world about the witches. They’re evil. They make it come back, the blood. Even sandpaper doesn’t work.’
This wasn’t right, she knew. Never mind about the—whatever it was—but it was unheard of for a witch to go out on Hogswatchnight. It was against all tradition. No-one knew why, but that wasn’t the point.
She came out on to the moorland and pounded across the brittle heather, which had been scoured of snow by the wind. There was a crescent moon near the horizon, and its pale glow lit up the mountains that towered over her. It was a different world up there, and one even a witch would rarely venture into; it was a landscape left over from the frosty birth of the world, all green ice and knife-edge ridges and deep, secret valleys. It was a landscape never intended for human beings—not hostile, any more than a brick or cloud is hostile, but terribly, terribly uncaring.
Except that, this time, it was watching her. A mind quite unlike any other she had ever encountered was giving her a great deal of its attention. She glared up at the icy slopes, half expecting to see a mountainous shadow move against the stars.
‘Who are you?’ she shouted. ‘What do you want?’
Her voice bounced and echoed among the rocks. There was a distant boom of an avalanche, high among the peaks.
On the crest of the moor, where in the summer partridges lurked among the bushes like small whirring idiots, was a standing stone. It stood roughly where the witches’ territories met, although the boundaries were never formally marked out.
The stone was about the same height as a tall man, and made of bluish tinted rock. It was considered intensely magical because, although there was only one of it,
It was also one of the numerous discharge points for the magic that accumulated in the Ramtops. The ground around it for several yards was bare of snow, and steamed gently.
The stone began to edge away, and watched her suspiciously from behind a tree.
She waited for ten minutes until Magrat came hurrying up the path from Mad Stoat, a village whose good-natured inhabitants were getting used to ear massage and flower-based homeopathic remedies for everything short of actual decapitation. She was out of breath, and wore only a shawl over a nightdress that, if Magrat had anything to reveal, would have been very revealing.
‘You felt it too?’ she said.
Granny nodded. ‘Where’s Gytha?’ she said.
They looked down the path that led to Lancre town, a huddle of lights in the snowy gloom.
The two witches stood uncertainly in the street.
‘Do you think we should go in?’ said Magrat diffidently. ‘It’s not as though we were invited. And we haven’t brought a bottle.’
‘Sounds to me as if there’s a deal too many bottles in there already,’ said Granny Weatherwax disapprovingly. A man staggered out of the doorway, burped, bumped into Granny, said, ‘Happy Hogswatchnight, missus,’ glanced up at her face and sobered up instantly.
‘
‘I am most frightfully sorry—’ he began.
Granny swept imperiously past him. ‘Come, Magrat,’ she commanded.
The din inside hovered around the pain threshold. Nanny Ogg got around the Hogswatchnight tradition by inviting the whole village in, and the air in the room was already beyond the reach of pollution controls. Granny navigated through the press of bodies by the sound of a cracked voice explaining to the world at large that, compared to an unbelievable variety of other animals, the hedgehog was quite fortunate.
Nanny Ogg was sitting in a chair by the fire with a quart mug in one hand, and was conducting the reprise with a cigar. She grinned when she saw Granny’s face.
‘What ho, my old boiler,’ she screeched above the din. ‘See you turned up, then. Have a drink. Have two. Wotcher, Magrat. Pull up a chair and call the cat a bastard.’
Greebo, who was curled up in the inglenook and watching the festivities with one slit yellow eye, flicked his tail once or twice.
Granny sat down stiffly, a ramrod figure of decency.
‘We’re not staying,’ she said, glaring at Magrat, who was tentatively reaching out towards a bowl of peanuts. ‘I can see you’re busy. We just wondered whether you might have noticed—anything. Tonight. A little while ago.’
Nanny Ogg wrinkled her forehead.
‘Our Darron’s eldest was sick,’ she said. ‘Been at his dad’s beer.’
‘Unless he was
‘Someone tried to dance on the table,’ she said. ‘Fell into our Reet’s pumpkin dip. We had a good laugh.’
Granny waggled her eyebrows and placed a meaningful finger alongside her nose.
‘I was alluding to things of a
‘Something wrong with your eye, Esme?’ she hazarded.
Granny Weatherwax sighed.
‘Extremely worrying developments of a magical tendency are even now afoot,’ she said loudly.
The room went quiet. Everyone stared at the witches, except for Darron’s eldest, who took advantage of the opportunity to continue his alcoholic experiments. Then, swiftly as they had fled, several dozen conversations hurriedly got back into gear.
‘It might be a good idea if we can go and talk somewhere more private,’ said Granny, as the comforting hubbub streamed over them again.
They ended up in the washhouse, where Granny tried to give an account of the mind she had encountered.
‘It’s out there somewhere, in the mountains and the high forests,’ she said. ‘And it is very big.’
‘I thought it was looking for someone,’ said Magrat. ‘It put me in mind of a large dog. You know, lost. Puzzled.’
Granny thought about this. Now she came to think of it …
‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Something like that. A
‘I know what a troll’s mind feels like, Gytha,’ said Granny. She didn’t snap the words out. In fact it was the quiet way she said them that made Nanny hesitate.
‘They say there’s really big trolls up towards the Hub,’ said Nanny slowly. ‘And ice giants, and big hairy wossnames that live above the snowline. But you don’t mean anything like that, do you?’
‘No.’
‘Oh.’
Magrat shivered. She told herself that a witch had absolute control over her own body, and the goose-pimples under her thin nightdress were just a figment of her own imagination. The trouble was, she had an excellent imagination.