'I'll get you a nice warm glass of milk,' said Miss Tibbs.
'I hate the stuff,' said the President. 'Please don't make me drink it!'
'Summon the Chief Interpreter,' said Miss Tibbs.
'Summon the Chief Interpreter!' said the President. 'Where is he?'
'Right here, Mr President,' said the Chief Interpreter.
'What language was that creature spouting up there in the Space Hotel? Be quick! Was it Eskimo?'
'Not Eskimo, Mr President.'
'Ha! Then it was Tagalog! Either Tagalog or Ugro!'
'Not Tagalog, Mr President. Not Ugro, either.'
'Was it Tulu, then? Or Tungus or Tupi?'
'Definitely not Tulu, Mr President. And I'm quite sure it wasn't Tungus or Tupi.'
'Don't stand there telling him what it wasn't, you idiot!' said Miss Tibbs. 'Tell him what it was!'
'Yes, ma'am, Miss Vice-President, ma'am,' said the Chief Interpreter, beginning to shake. 'Believe me, Mr President,' he went on, 'it was not a language I have ever heard before.'
'But I thought you knew every language in the world?' 'I do, Mr President.'
'Don't lie to me, Chief Interpreter. How can you possibly know every language in the world when you don't know this one?'
'It is not a language of this world, Mr President.'
'Nonsense, man!' barked Miss Tibbs. 'I understood some of it myself!'
'These people, Miss Vice-President, ma'am, have obviously tried to learn just a few of our easier words, but the rest of it is a language that has never been heard before on this Earth!'
'Screaming scorpions!' cried the President. 'You mean to tell me they could be coming from … from … from somewhere else?'
'Precisely, Mr President.' 'Like where?' said the President.
'Who knows?' said the Chief Interpreter. 'But did you not notice, Mr President, how they used the words Venus and Mars?'
'Of course I noticed it,' said the President. 'But what's that got to do with it? … Ah-ha! I see what you're driving at! Good gracious me! Men from Mars!'
'And Venus,' said the Chief Interpreter. 'That,' said the President, 'could make for trouble.' 'I'll say it could!' said the Chief Interpreter. 'He wasn't talking to you,' said Miss Tibbs. 'What do we do now, General?' said the President. 'Blow 'em up!' cried the General.
'You're always wanting to blow things up,' said the President crossly. 'Can't you think of something else?'
'I like blowing things up,' said the General. 'It makes such a lovely noise. Woomph-woomph!'
'Don't be a fool!' said Miss Tibbs. 'If you blow these people up, Mars will declare war on us!
So will Venus!'
'Quite right, Nanny,' said the President. 'We'd be troculated like turkeys, every one of us! We'd be mashed like potatoes!'
'I'll take 'em on!' shouted the Chief of the Army.
'Shut up!' snapped Miss Tibbs. 'You're fired!'
'Hooray!' said all the other generals. 'Well done, Miss Vice-President, ma'am!'
Miss Tibbs said, 'We've got to treat these fellows gently. The one who spoke just now sounded extremely cross. We've got to be polite to them, butter them up, make them happy. The last thing we want is to be invaded by men from Mars! You've got to talk to them, Mr President. Tell Houston we want another direct radio link with the Space Hotel. And hurry!'
6
Invitation to the White House
'The President of the United States will now address you!' announced the loudspeaker voice in the lobby of the Space Hotel.
Grandma Georgina's head peeped cautiously out from under the sheets. Grandma Josephine took her fingers out of her ears and Grandpa George lifted his face out of the pillow.
'You mean he's actually going to speak to us?' whispered Charlie. 'Ssshhh!' said Mr Wonka. 'Listen!'
'Dear friends!' said the well-known Presidential voice over the loudspeaker. 'Dear, dear friends! Welcome to Space Hotel "U.S.A." Greetings to the brave astronauts from Mars and Venus …'
'Mars and Venus!' whispered Charlie. 'You mean he thinks we're from …'
'Ssshh-ssshh-ssshh!' said Mr Wonka. He was doubled up with silent laughter, shaking all over and hopping from one foot to the other.
'You have come a long way,' the President continued, 'so why don't you come just a tiny bit farther and pay us a visit down here on our humble little Earth? I invite all eight of you to stay with me here in Washington as my honoured guests. You could land that wonderful glass air-machine of yours on the lawn in back of the White House. We shall have the red carpet out and ready. I do hope you know enough of our language to understand me. I shall wait most anxiously for your reply …'
There was a click and the President went off the air.
'What a fantastic thing!' whispered Grandpa Joe. 'The White House, Charlie! We're invited to the White House as honoured guests!'
Charlie caught hold of Grandpa Joe's hands and the two of them started dancing round and round the lobby of the hotel. Mr Wonka, still shaking with laughter, went and sat down on the bed and signalled everyone to gather round close so they could whisper without being heard by the hidden microphones.
'They're scared to death,' he whispered. 'They won't bother us any more now. So let's have that feast we were talking about and afterwards we can explore the hotel.'
'Aren't we going to the White House?' whispered Grandma Josephine. 'I want to go to the White House and stay with the President.'
'My dear old dotty dumpling,' said Mr Wonka. 'You look as much like a man from Mars as a bedbug! They'd know at once they'd been fooled. We'd be arrested before we could say how d'you do.'
Mr Wonka was right. There could be no question of accepting the President's invitation and they all knew it.
'But we've got to say something to him,' Charlie whispered. 'He must be sitting down there in the White House this very minute waiting for an answer.'
'Make an excuse,' said Mr Bucket.
'Tell him we're otherwise engaged,' said Mrs Bucket.
'You are right,' whispered Mr Wonka. 'It is rude to ignore an invitation.' He stood up and walked a few paces from the group. For a moment or two he remained quite still, gathering his thoughts. Then once again Charlie saw those tiny twinkling smiling wrinkles around the corners of the eyes, and when he began to speak, his voice this time was like the voice of a giant, deep and devilish, very loud and very slow:
'In the quelchy quaggy sogmire,
In the mashy mideous harshland,
At the witchy hour of gloomness,
All the grobes come oozing home.
You can hear them softly slimeing,
Glissing hissing o'er the slubber,
All those oily boily bodies
Oozing onward in the gloam.
So start to run! Oh, skid and daddle
Through the slubber slush and sossel!
Skip jump hop and try to skaddle!
All the grobes are on the roam!'
In his study two hundred and forty thousand miles below, the President turned white as the White House. 'Jumping jack-rabbits!' he cried. 'I think they're after us!'
'Oh, please let me blow them up!' said the Ex-Chief of the Army. 'Silence!' said Miss Tibbs. 'Go stand in the corner!'
In the lobby of the Space Hotel, Mr Wonka had merely paused in order to think up another verse, and he was just about to start off again when a frightful piercing scream stopped him cold. The screamer was Grandma Josephine. She was sitting up in bed and pointing with a shaking finger at the lifts at the far end of the lobby. She screamed a second time, still pointing, and all eyes turned toward the lifts. The door of the one on the left was sliding slowly open and the watchers could clearly see that there was something … something thick … something brown … something not exactly brown, but greenish-brown … something with slimy skin and large eyes … squatting inside the lift!
7
Something Nasty in the Lifts
Grandma Josephine had stopped screaming now. She had gone rigid with shock. The rest
of the group by the bed, including Charlie and Grandpa Joe, had become as still as stone.
They dared not move. They dared hardly breathe. And Mr Wonka, who had swung quickly
around to look when the first scream came, was as dumbstruck as the rest. He stood
motionless, gaping at the thing in the lift, his mouth slightly open, his eyes stretched wide
as two wheels. What he saw, what they all saw, was this:
It looked more than anything like an enormous egg balanced on its pointed end. It was as tall as a big boy and wider than the fattest man. The greenish-brown skin had a shiny wettish appearance and there were wrinkles in it. About three-quarters of the way up, in the widest part, there were two large round eyes as big as tea-cups. The eyes were white, but each had a brilliant red pupil in the centre. The red pupils were resting on Mr Wonka. But now they began travelling slowly across to Charlie and Grandpa Joe and the others by the bed, settling upon them and gazing at them with a cold malevolent stare. The eyes were everything. There were no other features, no nose or mouth or ears, but the entire egg-shaped body was itself moving very very slightly, pulsing and bulging gently here and there as though the skin were filled with some thick fluid.
At this point, Charlie suddenly noticed that the next lift was coming down. The indicator numbers above the door were flashing … 6 … 5 … 4 … 3 … 2 … 1 … L (for lobby). There was a slight pause. The door slid open and there, inside the second lift, was another enormous slimy wrinkled greenish-brown egg with eyes!
Now the numbers were flashing above all three of the remaining lifts. Down they came … down … down … down … And soon, at precisely the same time, they reached the lobby floor and the doors slid open … five open doors now … one creature in each … five in all … and five pairs of eyes with brilliant red centres all watching Mr Wonka and watching Charlie and Grandpa Joe and the others.
There were slight differences in size and shape between the five, but all had the same greenish-brown wrinkled skin and the skin was rippling and pulsing.
For about thirty seconds nothing happened. Nobody stirred, nobody made a sound. The silence was terrible. So was the suspense. Charlie was so frightened he felt himself shrinking inside his skin. Then he saw the creature in the left-hand lift suddenly starting to change shape! Its body was slowly becoming longer and longer, and thinner and thinner, going up and up towards the roof of the lift, not straight up, but curving a little to the left, making a snake-like curve that was curiously graceful, up to the left and then curling over the top to the right and coming down again in a half-circle … and then the bottom end began to grow out as well, like a tail … creeping along the floor … creeping along the floor to the left … until at last the creature, which had originally looked like a huge egg, now looked like a long curvy serpent standing up on its tail.
Then the one in the next lift began stretching itself in much the same way, and what a weird and oozy thing it was to watch! It was twisting itself into a shape that was a bit different from the first, balancing itself almost but not quite on the tip of its tail.
Then the three remaining creatures began stretching themselves all at the same time, each one elongating itself slowly upward, growing taller and taller, thinner and thinner, curving and twisting, stretching and stretching, curling and bending, balancing either on the tail or the head or both, and turned sideways now so that only one eye was visible. When they had all stopped stretching and bending, this was how they finished up:
'Scram!' shouted Mr Wonka. 'Get out quick!'
People have never moved faster than Grandpa Joe and Charlie and Mr and Mrs Bucket at that moment. They all got behind the bed and started pushing like crazy. Mr Wonka ran in front of them shouting 'Scram! Scram! Scram!' and in ten seconds flat all of them were out of the lobby and back inside the Great Glass Elevator. Frantically, Mr Wonka began undoing bolts and pressing buttons. The door of the Great Glass Elevator snapped shut and the whole thing leaped sideways. They were away! And of course all of them, including the three old ones in the bed, floated up again into the air.
8
The Vermicious Knids
'Oh, my goodness me!' gasped Mr Wonka. 'Oh, my sainted pants! Oh, my painted ants! Oh, my crawling cats! I hope never to see anything like that again!' He floated over to the white button and pressed it. The booster-rockets fired. The Elevator shot forward at such a speed that soon the Space Hotel was out of sight far behind.
'But who were those awful creatures?' Charlie asked.
'You mean you didn't know?' cried Mr Wonka. 'Well, it's a good thing you didn't! If you'd had even the faintest idea of what horrors you were up against, the marrow would have run out of your bones! You'd have been fossilized with fear and glued to the ground! Then they'd have got you! You'd have been a cooked cucumber! You'd have been rasped into a thousand tiny bits, grated like cheese and flocculated alive! They'd have made necklaces from your knucklebones and bracelets from your teeth! Because those creatures, my dear ignorant boy, are the most brutal, vindictive, venomous, murderous beasts in the entire universe!' Here Mr Wonka paused and ran the tip of a pink tongue all the way around his lips. 'VERMICIOUS KNIDS!' he cried. 'That's what they were!' He sounded the K … K'NIDS, like that.
'I thought they were grobes,' Charlie said. 'Those oozy-woozy grobes you were telling the President about.'
'Oh, no, I just made those up to scare the White House,' Mr Wonka answered. 'But there is nothing made up about Vermicious Knids, believe you me. They live, as everybody knows, on the planet Vermes, which is eighteen thousand four hundred and twenty-seven million miles away and they are very, very clever brutes indeed. The Vermicious Knid can turn itself into any shape it wants. It has no bones. Its body is really one huge muscle, enormously strong, but very stretchy and squishy, like a mixture of rubber and putty with steel wires inside. Normally it is egg-shaped, but it can just as easily give itself two legs like a human or four legs like a horse. It can become as round as a ball or as long as a kite-string. From fifty yards away, a fully grown Vermicious Knid could stretch out its neck and bite your head off without even getting up!'
'Bite off your head with what?' said Grandma Georgina. 'I didn't see any mouth.' 'They have other things to bite with,' said Mr Wonka darkly. 'Such as what?' said Grandma Georgina.
'Ring off,' said Mr Wonka. 'Your time's up. But listen, everybody. I've just had a funny thought. There I was fooling around with the President and pretending we were creatures from some other planet and, by golly, there actually were creatures from some other planet on board!'
'Do you think there were many?' Charlie asked. 'More than the five we saw?'
'Thousands!' said Mr Wonka. 'There are five hundred rooms in that Space Hotel and there's probably a family of them in every room!'
'Somebody's going to get a nasty shock when they go on board!' said Grandpa Joe. They'll be eaten like peanuts,' said Mr Wonka. 'Every one of them.' 'You don't really mean that, do you, Mr Wonka?' Charlie said.
'Of course I mean it,' said Mr Wonka. 'These Vermicious Knids are the terror of the Universe. They travel through space in great swarms, landing on other stars and planets and destroying everything they find. There used to be some rather nice creatures living on the moon a long time ago. They were called Poozas. But the Vermicious Knids ate the lot. They did the same on Venus and Mars and many other planets.'