It might be a good idea to check on your girlfriend.
What's so funny?
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot (человек заходит в бар и заказывает рюмашку). Then he looks into his shirt pocket (затем заглядывает в карман рубашки) and orders another shot (и заказывает еще выпивку). After he finishes (после того, как он выпивает; to finish — заканчивать), he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious (любопытный = заинтригован) and asks him (спрашивает его), "Every time (каждый раз) you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why? (почему, зачем)"
The man replies (отвечает), "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket (у меня в кармане фотография моей жены) and when she starts to look good, I go home (и когда она начинает хорошо выглядеть, я иду домой)."
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.
The bartender is curious and askes him, "Every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
A man stumbles up (подходит, спотыкаясь) to the only other patron in a bar (к единственному, кроме него, клиенту в баре) and asks if he could buy him a drink (и спрашивает его, не мог бы он купить ему выпить).
"Why of course (почему бы нет)," comes the reply (следует ответ).
The first (первый) man then asks (спрашивает), "Where are you from? (откуда вы родом)"
"I'm from Ireland (я из Ирландии)," replies the second man (отвечает второй).
The first man responds (откликается), "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! (Что вы говорите! Я тоже из Ирландии) Let's have another round to Ireland (следующий бокал: "другую порцию, еще по кругу" за Ирландию)."
"I'm curious (интересно; curious — любопытный)," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from? (откуда /в Ирландии/ именно вы родом)"
"Dublin (Дублин)," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it (не могу в это поверить)," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course (конечно)," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes (любопытство снова зажигается) and the first man asks, "What school did you go to? (в какой школе вы учились; в какую школу вы ходили)"
"Saint Mary's (Девы Марии)," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62 (я выпустился в 1962)."
"This is unbelievable! (это невероятно; в это невозможно поверить)" the first man says. "I went (я ходил /to go-went-gone/) to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time (в этот момент; около того времени) in comes one of the regulars (входит один из постоянных посетителей) and sits down at the bar (и садится к барной стойке).
"What's been going on? (что происходит, что случилось: «что происходило»)" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much (ничего особенного)," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again (близнецы О'Кинли снова пьяны, опять напились)."
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"I'm curious," the first man then asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
You don't say.
I'm curious.
This is unbelievable!
What's been going on?
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas (жил однажды слепой человек, который решил поехать в Техас). When he arrived on the plane (когда он прибыл в самолет), he felt the seats and said (он потрогал сиденья /to feel-felt-felt — трогать, чувствовать, ощущать/ и сказал), "Wow, these seats are big! (эти сиденья большие)"
The person next to him answered (человек сзади него: «ближайший к нему» ответил), "Everything is big in Texas (в Техасе все большое)."
When he finally arrived in Texas (когда он, наконец, прибыл в Техас), he decided to visit a bar (он решил сходить в бар). Upon arriving in the bar (по приходе в бар), he ordered a beer (он заказал пиво) and got a mug placed between his hands (и ему в ладони поместили кружку). He exclaimed (воскликнул), "Wow these mugs are big!"
The bartender replied (ответил), "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers (после пары кружек пива), the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located (где находится, расположена уборная). The bartender replied, "Second door to the right (вторая дверь направо)." The blind man headed for the bathroom (направился), but accidentally tripped over (случайно споткнулся) and skipped (пропустил = прошел мимо) the second door. Instead, he entered the third door (вместо этого он вошел в третью дверь), which led to the swimming pool (которая вела к бассейну /to lead-led-led/), and fell into the pool by accident (и случайно упал в бассейн /to fall-fell-fallen/).
Scared to death (испугавшись до смерти), the blind man started shouting (начал кричать), "Don't flush, don't flush! (Не спускайте! Не спускайте!; to flush — смывать сильной струей воды)"
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!"
The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which led to the swimming pool, and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
Second door to the right.
I am scared to death.
Tom had this problem (у Тома была эта =такая проблема) of getting up late in the morning ("вставания поздно" = что он поздно встает по утрам; to get up late — поздно вставать) and was always late for work (всегда опаздывал на работу). His boss was mad at him (его начальник злился на него) and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it (и угрожал его уволить, если он что-то с этим не сделает). So Tom went to his doctor (Том пошел к своему врачу /to go-went-gone/) who gave him a pill (тот дал ему пилюлю, таблетку /to give-gave-given/) and told him to take it (и сказал принять ее /to tell-told-told/) before he went to bed (перед тем, как он пойдет спать, перед сном). Tom slept well (Том хорошо спал /to sleep-slept-slept/) and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours (и действительно опередил утром будильник почти на два часа /to beat-beat-beaten — бить, побеждать/). He had a leisurely breakfast (он не спеша позавтракал: «у него был неспешный завтрак»; leisure — досуг) and drove cheerfully to work (и поехал бодро на работу /to drive-drove-driven — ехать, вести машину/).
"Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked! (на самом деле сработала)"
"That's all fine (это все хорошо)," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday? (но где ты был вчера)"
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
That's fine.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money (молодой человек спросил старого богатого человека, как тот сделал свои деньги).
The old guy (парень) fingered his worsted wool vest (дотронулся до своего жилета из камвольной ткани) and said (и сказал), "Well, son, it was 1932 (ну, сынок, это был 1932). The depth of the Great Depression (разгар Великой Депрессии; depth — глубина). I was down to my last nickel (я опустился, докатился до последнего пятицентовика).
I invested that nickel in an apple (я вложил этот пятицентовик в яблоко). I spent the entire day (я провел целый день /to spend-spent-spent — проводить (время)/) polishing the apple (полируя это яблоко) and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents (и в конце дня я продал яблоко за десять центов /to sell-sold-sold/).
The next morning (на следующее утро), I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm (в пять вечера) for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month (я продолжал в том же духе, придерживался этой системы около месяца), by the end of which (к концу которого) I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37 (я скопил богатство размером в $1.37)."
"And that's how you built an empire? (и так вы создали империю /to build-built-built — сооружать, строить/)" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no! (Что ты: «Небеса!»)" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars (потом умер отец моей жены и оставил нам 2 миллиона долларов /to leave-left-left/)."
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Heavens!
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes (полицейский допрашивал трех блондинок) who were training to become detectives (которые проходили подготовку, чтобы стать детективами). To test their skills (чтобы проверить их умение) in recognizing a suspect (в узнавании подозреваемого), he shows (он показывает) the first blonde a picture (фотографию) for 5 second (на 5 секунд) and then hides it (и затем прячет ее).
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? (это твой подозреваемый, как бы ты его узнала)"
The first blonde answers (отвечает), "That's easy (это легко), we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye! (мы его поймаем быстро, потому что у него только один глаз)"
The policeman says, "Well… uh… that's because the picture shows his PROFILE (ну… а… это потому что фотография показывает только его профиль)."
Slightly flustered (несколько обалдевший; to fluster — конфузить, сбивать с толку, нервировать) by this ridiculous response (от этого нелепого ответа), he flashes (показывает на одно мгновение; flash — вспышка; to flash — сверкнуть; мелькнуть; показать на мгновение) the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles (хихикает), flips her hair (встряхивает волосами) and says, "Ha! He'd be (его было бы) too easy (совсем: «слишком» просто) to catch (поймать) because he only has one ear! (ухо)"
The policeman angrily responds (злобно отвечает), "What's the matter with you two?? (что это с вами двумя) Of course (конечно) only one eye and one ear are SHOWING (видны) because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with? (это лучший ответ, который вы способны дать)"
Extremely frustrated at this point (чрезвычайно = уже совсем расстроенный к этому моменту), he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice (очень раздраженным голосом) asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds (быстро добавляет), "…think hard (как следует: «крепко» подумай) before giving me a stupid answer (перед "даванием" мне глупого ответа, перед тем, как дашь глупый ответ)."
The blonde looks (глядит) at the picture intently (пристально) for a moment and says, "Hmmmm… the suspect wears contact lenses (подозреваемый носит контактные линзы)."
The policeman is surprised (удивленный) and speechless (онемевший: «лишившийся речи»; speech — речь) because he doesn't know himself (он сам не знал) if the suspect wears contacts or not (носит подозреваемый линзы или нет).
"Well, that's an interesting (интересный) answer… wait here for a few minutes (подождите здесь несколько минут) while I check his file (пока я проверю его досье) and I'll get back to you on that (и вернусь к вам с этим вопросом)."
He leaves the room (он выходит из комнаты) and goes to his office (и идет в свой офис), checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face (и возвращается с лучезарной улыбкой на лице; beam — луч; to beam — излучать; сиять). "Wow! I can't believe it… it's TRUE! (я не могу в это поверить, это правда) The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses (действительно носит контактные линзы). Good work! (отличная работа) How were you able to make such an astute observation? (как вы смогли сделать столь проницательное наблюдение)"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses (он не может носить обычные очки) because he only has one eye and one ear (потому что у него только один глаз и одно ухо)."
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.
"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well… uh… that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds, "…think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm… the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer… wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it… it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
What's the matter with you?
Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Wow! I can't believe it…
Good work!
A man was in a bar (человек был в баре). Hoping to strike up a conversation (надеясь завязать разговор) with a distinguished looking fellow (с важно, изысканно выглядящим человеком) sitting nearby (сидящим рядом), he said, "May I buy you a drink? (могу я купить вам выпивку = угостить вас)"
"No," said the man cooly (холодно), "Don't drink (не пью). Tried it once and I didn't like it (попрoбовал раз и не понравилось)."
"Would you like a cigar? (не желаете ли сигару)"
"No. Don't smoke (не курю). Tried tobacco once and I didn't like it."
"Would you like to join me in a game of gin rummy? (не хотите присоединиться ко мне в карточной игре)"
"No. Don't like card games. Tried it once, and I didn't like it.
However (однако), my son will be dropping in after a bit (заглянет через некоторое время). Perhaps (может быть) he will join you."
The first man settled back in his chair (откинулся в своем кресле; to settle — усаживаться, устраиваться) and said, "Your only son, I presume? (ваш единственный сын, я полагаю)"
A man was in a bar. Hoping to strike up a conversation with a distinguished looking fellow sitting nearby, he said, "May I buy you a drink?"
"No," said the man coolly, "Don't drink. Tried it once and I didn't like it."
"Would you like a cigar?"
"No. Don't smoke. Tried tobacco once and I didn't like it."
"Would you like to join me in a game of gin rummy?"
"No. Don't like card games. Tried it once, and I didn't like it.
However, my son will be dropping in after a bit. Perhaps he will join you."
The first man settled back in his chair and said, "Your only son, I presume?"
May I buy you a drink?
I tried it once and I didn't like it.
Would you like a cigar?
An industrial expert (специалист в /области/ индустрии) went around asking (ходил «вокруг», опрашивая) different people (разных людей), "What do you like best about your job? (что вам больше всего нравится в вашей работе)"
"The good pay (хорошая оплата)," one factory worker replied (один фабричный рабочий ответил).
"What do you like least about your job? (что вам меньше всего нравится в вашей работе)" asked the expert (спросил эксперт).
"The good pay," he said again (снова).
The expert was surprised (был удивлен). "What do you mean? (что вы имеете в виду) You like it the best and you like it the least? (вам нравится это больше всего и вам нравится это меньше всего)"
"Well, I like it because it pays me well (ну, она мне нравится, потому что приносит мне хорошие деньги: «платит мне хорошо»), so that's the good part (поэтому это хорошая часть = это плюс, достоинство). But if it didn't pay so well (но если бы она не «платила» так хорошо), I'd quit! (я бы ушел; to quit — оставлять, покидать; увольняться, бросать работу) That would be better! (это было бы лучше)"
An industrial expert went around asking different people, "What do you like best about your job?"
"The good pay," one factory worker replied.
"What do you like least about your job?" asked the expert.
"The good pay," he said again.
The expert was surprised. "What do you mean? You like it the best and you like it the least?"
"Well, I like it because it pays me well, so that's the good part. But if it didn't pay so well, I'd quit! That would be better!"
What do you like best about your job?
What do you mean?
So that's the good part.
That would be better!
A newspaper was running a competition (газета проводила соревнование) to discover (чтобы выявить: «открыть») the most high principled (самого высокопринципиального), sober (здравомыслящего: «трезвого»), well-behaved (добропорядочного: to behave well — вести себя хорошо) citizen (гражданина ['sItIzn]). Among the entries came one which read (среди заявок пришла одна /to come-came-come/, которая гласила: «читала» /to read [ri:d]-read [red]-read [red]/):
"I don't smoke (я не курю), touch intoxicants (не употребляю спиртные напитки; to touch — трогать, прикасаться) or gamble (не играю в азартные игры). I am faithful to my wife (я верен своей жене) and never look at another woman (и никогда не смотрю на другую женщину). I am hard working (я много работающий), quiet (спокойный) and obedient (послушный; obedient [@'bi:[email protected]]). I never go to the movies or the theater (я никогда не хожу в кино или в театр), and I go to bed early (и ложусь спать: «иду в постель» рано) every night (каждый вечер) and rise with the dawn (и поднимаюсь с зарей). I attend chapel regularly every Sunday (посещаю церковь каждое воскресенье) without fail (обязательно: «без недостатка = без пропуска»; to fail — потерпеть неудачу; обманывать ожидания, не удаваться; недоставать, не хватать).