The owner looked at her and said, "Listen, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet-shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's not so bad."
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation.
A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores; same old faces. Hi George!"
That's not so bad.
Same old faces.
Typical Mexican macho man (типичный мексиканский мачо) married typical good-looking Mexican lady (женился на типичной красивой: «хорошо выглядящей» мексиканской женщине) and after the wedding (и после свадьбы) laid down the following rules: (установил следующие правила) "I'll be home when I want (я буду дома, буду приходить домой, когда я хочу), if I want (если захочу) and at what time I want (и тогда: «в такое время», когда я хочу) - and I don't expect any hassle from you (и я не жду никакого ворчания от тебя = и чтобы не было никакого ворчания, недовольства; hassle — перебранка, стычка). I expect a great dinner to be on the table (я ожидаю отличный ужин на столе) unless I tell you otherwise (если только я не скажу тебе другого: «по-другому»). I'll go hunting (я буду ходить на охоту), fishing (рыбалку), boozing (на попойки; booze — спиртной напиток; to booze — пьянствовать) and card-playing (на карточные игры) when I want with my old buddies (с моими старыми дружками) and don't you give me a hard time (и не надоедай мне: «не давай мне жесткого = тяжелого времени») about it (из-за этого, по этому поводу). Those are my rules! (таковы мои правила, установления) Any comments? (какие-нибудь замечания)"
His new bride said (его новая невеста сказала), "No, that's fine with me (нет, это мне подходит: «это хорошо со мной»). Just understand (только пойми = запомни) that there'll be sex here (здесь будет секс) at seven o'clock every night (в семь часов каждый вечер) - whether you're here or not (будешь ты здесь или нет)."
Typical Mexican macho man married typical good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want — and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night — whether you're here or not."
Don't you give me a hard time about it!
Any comments?
No, that's fine with me.
Pretty girl (миленькая девушка): "May I try on (я могу примерить) that two-piece suit (тот /купальный/ костюм /двойку/; piece — кусок, часть, штука) in the window? (в витрине: «в окне»)"
Store manager (менеджер магазина): "Go right ahead (да, конечно, давайте: «идите прямо вперед»). It might help business (это может помочь бизнесу)."
Pretty girl: "May I try on that two-piece suit in the window?"
Store manager: "Go right ahead. It might help business."
May I try on that suit?
Go right ahead.
It might help business.
This old gal («старушка»: gal — девчонка) was trying on (примеряла; to try — пробовать; стараться) one of those blouses with a plunging neckline (одну из тех блузок, /что/ с глубоким вырезом; to plunge — нырять) and after looking herself over in the mirror (после того, как оглядела себя в зеркале), asked a saleslady (спросила продавщицу) if she thought it was too low-cut (не думает ли она, что вырез слишком глубок: «что это слишком глубоко вырезано» /to think-thought-thought/).
"Do you have hair on your chest? (у вас есть волосы на груди)" the saleslady asked.
"No!" she squealed (взвизгнула).
"Well then (ну, тогда)," the saleslady said, "it's too low-cut (он слишком глубок)."
This old gal was trying on one of those blouses with a plunging neckline and after looking herself over in the mirror, asked a saleslady if she thought it was too low-cut.
"Do you have hair on your chest?" the saleslady asked.
"No!" she squealed.
"Well then," the saleslady said, "it's too low-cut."
It's too low-cut.
A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening (человек сопровождал друга домой на ужин однажды вечером) and noticed (заметил) that as soon as they entered the door (что, как только они вошли в дверь), his friend kissed his wife (поцеловал свою жену) and told her how pretty she looked (и сказал ей, как чудно она выглядит /to tell-told-told/). After dinner, he complimented his wife on the food (он похвалил жену за еду) and kissed her again (снова).
"Do you always do that? (ты всегда так делаешь)" asked the visitor (спросил гость) when they were alone (когда они были одни).
"You bet I do (конечно, да; to bet — держать пари; биться об заклад)," answered the man. "It helps keep our marriage a happy one (это помогает сохранить наш брак счастливым)."
The visitor was greatly impressed (сильно впечатлен) and decided (решил) to use the same procedure with his own wife (использовать то же действие с его собственной женой; procedure — образ действия; процедура /напр. парламентская/ [[email protected]'si:[email protected]]). That night (в тот вечер) he swept her into his arms (он сгреб ее в объятия: «в руки» /to sweep-swept-swept — мести/) when he got home (когда он пришел домой /to get-got-got — получать; прибыть, добраться/) and kissed her warmly (нежно; warm — теплый). "Sweetheart (милая: sweet — сладкий + heart — сердце)," he said, "you look wonderful tonight (ты выглядишь чудесно сегодня /вечером/), and I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful wife (я счастлив, имея такую прелестную жену)."
His wife looked at him in amazement (с удивлением), then burst into tears (затем залилась слезами /to burst-burst-burst — лопнуть; разразиться/).
"For Pete's sake (ради /святого/ Петра)," exclaimed (воскликнул) the astonished (изумленный) man, "what's the matter? (в чем дело, что случилось)"
"What a day this has been! (что за день это был)" his wife answered. "First Johnny (сначала Джонни) sprained his ankle (растянул лодыжку), then the washing machine (затем стиральная машина) broke down (сломалась /to break-broke-broken/) and flooded the basement (затопила подвал; basement — фундамент, цоколь; подвал), and now you come home drunk! (а теперь /и/ ты /еще/ приходишь домой пьяный)"
A man accompanied a friend home for dinner one evening and noticed that as soon as they entered the door, his friend kissed his wife and told her how pretty she looked. After dinner, he complimented his wife on the food and kissed her again.
"Do you always do that?" asked the visitor when they were alone.
"You bet I do," answered the man. "It helps keep our marriage a happy one."
The visitor was greatly impressed and decided to use the same procedure with his own wife. That night he swept her into his arms when he got home and kissed her warmly. "Sweetheart," he said, "you look wonderful tonight, and I'm a lucky man to have such a beautiful wife."
His wife looked at him in amazement, then burst into tears.
"For Pete's sake," exclaimed the astonished man, "what's the matter?"
"What a day this has been!" his wife answered. "First Johnny sprained his ankle, then the washing machine broke down and flooded the basement, and now you come home drunk!"
You bet!
It helps keep our marriage a happy one.
Sweetheart, you look wonderful tonight!
For Pete’s sake (for God’s; Heaven’s)!
What a day this has been!
Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world (два священника обсуждали недостаток морали в современном мире).
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married (я не спал со своей женой до того, как мы поженились)," said one clergyman self-righteously (сказал один священник самодовольно: «с чувством собственной правоты»). "Did you? (а вы)"
"I don't know (я не знаю)," said the other. "What was her maiden name? (какая была ее девичья фамилия)"
Two ministers were discussing the lack of morals in the modern world.
"I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married," said one clergyman self-righteously. "Did you?"
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
What was her maiden name?
Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything (дядюшка Пит никогда не просил Господа о чем-либо), but one day he heard about this Oregon Lottery… (но однажды он услышал об этой Орегонской лотерее /to hear-heard-heard/) He began to think about it (он начал думать об этом /to begin-began-begun/), and think about it… (и думать об этом). Then a couple of days later (потом, пару дней спустя), he asked the Lord (он попросил Бога: «Господа»),
"You know Lord (ты знаешь, Господи), I never asked you for anything (я никогда тебя ни о чем не просил), I've been going to church every Sunday (я ходил в церковь каждое воскресенье), praising you and thanking you for what I have (восхваляя тебя и благодаря тебя за то, что имею), and I sure would like to win that lottery! (и я, конечно, хотел бы выиграть в эту лотерею)"
Well, a couple of years went by (пара лет прошла) and Uncle Pete still wanted to (все еще хотел), and didn't win (и не выиграл) that Oregon Lottery. One day while plowing a field (однажды, во время распашки поля, когда распахивал поле) he starts thinking about not winning the lottery (он начинает думать о том, что он не выиграл в лотерею, как он все никак не может выиграть в лотерею), and get frustrated (/начинает/ расстраиваться, отчаиваться), so he decides (и решает поэтому) to ask the Lord why He won't help him to win the lottery (спросить Бога, почему Он не поможет ему выиграть в лотерею).
He yelled up at the sky (он прокричал в небо), "Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' (= anything) but ta' (= to — но только) win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help (и Ты «никогда» = вовсе, ни разу не помог), well WHY? (ну почему)"
Then the clouds above (облака над /ним/) began to part (начали раздвигаться) and in a booming voice (и громовым голосом; to boom — греметь) he heard the Lord say (он услышал, /как/ Бог говорит),
"Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this (Пит, мне понадобится кое-какая помощь в этом; gonna = going to), you have to buy a ticket first (ты должен купить билет для начала)."
Uncle Pete never asked the Lord for anything, but one day he heard about this Oregon Lottery… He began to think about it, and think about it… Then a couple of days later, he asked the Lord,
"You know Lord, I never asked you for anything, I've been going to church every Sunday, praising you and thanking you for what I have, and I sure would like to win that lottery!"
Well, a couple of years went by and Uncle Pete still wanted to, and didn't win that Oregon Lottery. One day while plowing a field he starts thinking about not winning the lottery, and get frustrated, so he decides to ask the Lord why He won't help him to win the lottery.
He yelled up at the sky, "Lord, I never asked you for ana' thin' but ta' win that there Oregon Lottery, and You never did help, well WHY?"
Then the clouds above began to part and in a booming voice he heard the Lord say,
"Pete, I'm gonna need some help on this, you have to buy a ticket first."
I'm gonna need some help on this.
Two fishermen are out on the lake (два рыбака посреди озера) in a boat they had rented at the dock (в лодке, которую они взяли напрокат у пристани).
After an hour or so (через час или около того), they drift over a deep hole (они проплывают над глубокой ямой, впадиной) and start catching fish (и начинают ловить рыбу) faster than they ever had before in their lives (быстрее, чем когда-либо прежде в их жизни). This goes on for a while (это продолжается какое-то время) until one of them (пока один из них) pulls a large piece of chalk (/не/ вытаскивает большой кусок мела) out of his tackle box (из своего ящика со снаряжением) and draws a large "X" (и рисует большую букву «X») in the bottom of the boat (на дне лодки).
"What did you do that for? (для чего ты это сделал)" asks the other one (спрашивает другой).
"So we can find this spot again! (чтобы мы могли найти это место снова)" is the reply (ответ).
"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard (это самый дурацкий ответ: «вещь», который я когда-нибудь слышал)," says his buddy (приятель).
"… How do you know we'll get the SAME boat next time? (откуда ты знаешь, что мы получим ту же лодку в следующий раз)"
Two fishermen are out on the lake in a boat they had rented at the dock.
After an hour or so, they drift over a deep hole and start catching fish faster than they ever had before in their lives. This goes on for a while until one of them pulls a large piece of chalk out of his tackle box and draws a large "X" in the bottom of the boat.
"What did you do that for?" asks the other one.
"So we can find this spot again!" is the reply.
"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard," says his buddy.
"… How do you know we'll get the SAME boat next time?"
What did you do that for?
That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.
Two winkies went on a hunting trip (двое эвенков были на охоте). After it began to get dark (после того, как начало темнеть /to begin-began-begun/), they thought it was about time to go home (они подумали, что время идти домой /to think-thought-thought/). They unfortunately got lost (к несчастью, они потерялись).
One winkie said to the other (один сказал другому), "I read that if you get lost in the woods you should fire three shots in the air (я читал, что если ты потерялся в лесу, ты должен выстрелить три раза в воздух /to lose-lost-lost — терять/). It is supposed to be (это значит: «это предполагается быть») an "S.O.S."
So, the second winkie shot three times into the air. After waiting for a few hours (после нескольких часов ожидания), they repeated the signal (они повторили сигнал). They tried it over and over (они пробовали еще раз и еще), but nobody came to help them (но никто не пришел им на помощь: «помочь им»).
Finally (наконец), the second winkie said, "O.K., I'll try again (я попробую еще раз), but we're running out of arrows! (но у нас заканчивается запас стрел; to run out off… — исчерпать запас /чего-либо/)"
Two winkies went on a hunting trip. After it began to get dark, they thought it was about time to go home. They unfortunately got lost.
One winkie said to the other, "I read that if you get lost in the woods you should fire three shots in the air. It is supposed to be an "S.O.S."
So, the second winkie shot three times into the air. After waiting for a few hours, they repeated the signal. They tried it over and over, but nobody came to help them.
Finally, the second winkie said, "O.K., I'll try again, but we're running out of arrows!"
I tried it over and over.
O.K., I'll try again.
We're running out of arrows!
A boy was walking down the street with his Dad (мальчик шел по улице со своим папой) and noticed a dog mounting another dog (и заметил собаку, забравшуюся на другую собаку). The boy asked his Dad (спросил своего папу), "Hey Dad, what are those two dogs doing? (что те две собаки делают)"
"Well son, the dog on top's front paws are sore (у собаки сверху передние лапы больные, болят), so the dog on the bottom is giving him a ride home (и собака внизу ведет, подвозит ее домой: «дает ей поездку»; to ride — скакать; ride — прогулка, поездка)."
The son thinks it over (обдумывает это), and then comes to the conclusion (и потом приходит к заключению),
"Geez Dad, isn't that just like the world today… (да, пап, разве мир сейчас не таков: «не подобно ли это миру сегодня») you help someone out (ты кому-то помогаешь), and you end up getting fucked (а кончается все тем, что тебя поимели: to get fucked — быть оттраханным)."
A boy was walking down the street with his Dad and noticed a dog mounting another dog. The boy asked his Dad, "Hey Dad, what are those two dogs doing?"
"Well son, the dog on top's front paws are sore, so the dog on the bottom is giving him a ride home."
The son thinks it over, and then comes to the conclusion,
"Geez Dad, isn't that just like the world today… you help someone out, and you end up getting fucked."
Can you give me a ride?
In front of a delicatessen (перед кулинарией), an art connoisseur (знаток искусства [[email protected]'[email protected]:]) noticed a mangy little kitten (заметил паршивого маленького котенка; mangy ['meIndZi]) lapping up milk from a saucer (лижущего молоко из блюдца). The saucer, he realized with a start (он понял «с толчком» = вздрогнув, у него даже дыхание захватило), was a rare (редкое) and precious piece of pottery (дорогое, ценное изделие из керамики; pottery — гончарные изделия; pot — горшок). He strolled into the store (он вошел в магазин; to stroll — прогуливаться, бродить) and offered (предложил) two dollars for the cat.
"It's not for sale (он не продается: «не для продажи»)," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable (грязный и непривлекательный; to desire - /сильно/ желать), but I'm eccentric (но я чудак: «эксцентричен»). I like cats that way (вот таких). I'll raise (подниму) my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal (договорились; deal — сделка, соглашение)," said the proprietor (владелец), and pocketed the money (и положил деньги в карман; pocket — карман).
"For that sum (сумма) I'm sure you won't mind (не будете против; to mind — помнить; возражать, быть против /в отрицательных и вопросительных предложениях/) throwing in the saucer (прибавить: «вбросить» и блюдце)," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it (похоже, котенок так счастлив = ему так нравится пить из него)."
"Nothing doing (не пойдет)," said the proprietor firmly (твердо). "That's my lucky (счастливое) saucer. From that saucer, so far this week (только на этой неделе; so far - до сих пор, до настоящего времени) I've sold (я продал /to sell-sold-sold/) 34 cats."
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery. He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat.
"It's not for sale," said the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the money.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34 cats."
It's a deal.
Nothing doing.
My wife invited some people to dinner (моя жена пригласила несколько человек к ужину). At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said (за столом она повернулась к нашей шестилетней дочери и сказала), "Would you like to say the blessing? (хочешь произнести молитву: «благословение»; to bless — благословлять)"
"I wouldn't know what to say (я не знаю, что говорить)," she replied (ответила).
"Just say what you hear Mommy say (просто говори, то, что ты слышишь, что твоя мама говорит)," my wife said (сказала моя жена).
Our daughter bowed her head (склонила голову) and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner? (Боже ты мой: «дорогой Господь», во имя всего святого: «почему на земле», зачем я пригласила всех этих людей на ужин)"
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
I wouldn't know what to say.
Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?
This guy is in a bar (парень в баре), just looking at his drink (смотрит на стакан с выпивкой), he stays like that for half an hour (он в этом состоянии около получаса), or so (или вроде того), then (затем), this big (большой) burly (здоровенный, сильный: «дородный, плотный»; burl — узел на нитке в ткани; наплыв на дереве) trouble-maker (хулиган: «делатель беспорядков»; trouble — беспокойство, волнение; беспорядки) a truck driver (водитель грузовика) comes and sits next to him (приходит и садится рядом с ним), and drinks what the guy was staring at (и выпивает то, на что этот парень /так/ пристально смотрел). The poor man starts crying (несчастный: «бедный» парень начинает плакать).