Said and done (сказано — сделано), the next time, God looks (в следующий раз Бог смотрит) the women are gone ("ушедшие") and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long (длиной 100 миль), on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man (был только один человек).
God got mad (разгневался /to get-got-got/: «стал рассерженным»; mad — сумасшедший, безумный; рассерженный) and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves (вы, мужчины, должны стыдится самих себя). I created you in my image (я создал вас по своему образу), and you were all whipped by your mates (вашими супругами). Look at the only one of my sons (посмотрите на всего лишь одного из моих сыновей) that stood up and made me proud (который был на высоте, выстоял и "сделал меня гордым" /to stand-stood-stood/; to stand up — вставать; оказываться прочным), learn from him! (учитесь у него) Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line? (скажи им, сын мой, как ты ухитрился быть единственным в этом ряду)"
The man said, "I don't know (я не знаю). My wife told me to stand here (моя жена сказала мне встать здесь /to tell-told-told/)."
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long, on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud, learn from him! Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?"
The man said, "I don't know. My wife told me to stand here."
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Learn from him!
While sports fishing off the Florida coast (во время спортивной рыбалки у побережья Флориды), a tourist capsized his boat (турист опрокинул лодку). He could swim (он умел плавать /can-could/), but his fear of alligators (но его боязнь крокодилов) kept him clinging to the overturned craft (заставляла его держаться за перевернутую посудину; craft — судно).
Spotting an old beachcomber (заметив старого бродягу: beach — пляж + to comb — чесать; beachcomber — житель тихоокеанских островов, зарабатывающий на жизнь добыванием жемчуга и подобными вещами) standing on the shore (стоящего на берегу), the tourist shouted (закричал),"Are there any gators around here?! (здесь есть крокодилы)"
"Naw (не-е)," the man hollered back (откликнулся; to holler — орать), "they ain't been around for years! (их нет здесь уже годы; ain’t = have not, are not, is not)"
Feeling safe (почувствовав себя в безопасности), the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore (начал плыть расслабленно по направлению к берегу).
About halfway there (на полпути туда) he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators? (как вы избавились от крокодилов)"
"We didn't do nothin' (мы ничего не делали)," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em (акулы их съели)."
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.
"The sharks got 'em."
How'd you get rid of the gators?
An avid duck hunter (заядлый: «страстный, жадный» охотник на уток) was in the market for a new bird dog (пришел был в магазин за новой собакой для охоты /на птицу/). His search ended (его поиск окончился; to search — искать, просматривать) when he found a dog (когда он нашел собаку /to find-found-found/) that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck (которая могла фактически идти по воде для того, чтобы достать утку; to retrieve — извлекать, вынимать; доставать и приносить охотнику дичь).
Shocked by his find (потрясенный своей находкой), he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him (он был уверен, что никто из его друзей никогда не поверит ему).
He decided to try (он решил попробовать) to break the news (поделиться новостью) to a friend of his (со своим другом), the eternal pessimist (вечным пессимистом) who refused to be impressed with anything (который отказывался "быть впечатленным", поражаться чему-либо). This, surely, would impress him (это, конечно, его впечатлит). He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog (он пригласил его поохотиться с ним и с его новой собакой).
As they waited by the shore (когда они ждали на берегу), a flock of ducks flew by (стая уток пролетела мимо /to fly-flew-flown/). They fired, and a duck fell (они выстрелили, и утка упала /to fall-fell-fallen/). The dog responded (среагировала; to respond — отвечать, реагировать) and jumped into the water (прыгнула в воду). The dog, however (однако), did not sink (не погрузилась /to sink-sank-sunk/) but instead (вместо этого) walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet (не намочив ничего, кроме лап). This continued all day long (это продолжалось весь день); each time (каждый раз) a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface (по поверхности) of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully (наблюдал внимательно), saw everything (видел все), but did not say a single word (но не сказал ни единого слова).
On the drive home (по пути /в машине/ домой) the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog? (ты заметил что-нибудь необычное в моем новом псе)"
"I sure did (конечно, да)," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim (он не умеет плавать)."
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
Did you notice anything unusual about it?
Tom was so excited (был так взволнован) about his promotion (по поводу своего продвижения по службе) to Vice President (до вице-президента) of the company he worked for (компании, в которой он работал) and kept bragging (продолжал хвастаться) about it (этим: «об этом») to his wife (своей жене) for weeks (недели напролет).
Finally (наконец) she couldn't take it any longer (она не могла терпеть, выносить это дольше), and told him (и сказала ему /to tell-told-told/), "Listen (послушай), it means nothing (это ничего не значит), they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store! («у них» есть даже главный (вице-президент) по гороху в продуктовом магазине)."
"Really? (правда)" he said (сказал он /to say-said-said/). Not sure if this was true or not (неуверенный в том, правда это или нет), Tom decided to call (решил позвонить) the grocery store.
A clerk answers (секретарь отвечает) and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas? (пожалуйста, могу я поговорить с вице-президентом по гороху)"
The clerk replies (отвечает), "Canned or frozen? (консервированному или замороженному; to freeze — замораживать)"
Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks.
Finally she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it means nothing, they even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Tom decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Tom says, "Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?"
The clerk replies, "Canned or frozen?"
Listen, it means nothing.
Really?
Can I please talk to the Vice President?
Two men were digging a ditch (двое /людей/ копали ров) on a very hot day (очень жарким днем).
One said to the other (один сказал другому), "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch (почему мы внизу в этой дыре, яме копаем ров) when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree? (когда наш начальник стоит там наверху в тени дерева)"
"I don't know (я не знаю)," responded the other (ответил другой). "I'll ask him (я спрошу его)."
So he climbed out of the hole (он вылез из ямы) and went to his boss (и подошел к начальнику). "Why (почему) are we digging in the hot sun (на жарком солнце) and you're standing in the shade?"
"Intelligence (смекалка; сообразительность /- вот причина/)," the boss said.
"What do you mean, 'intelligence'? (что вы имеете в виду, сообразительность)"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you (ну давай, я покажу тебе). I'll put my hand on this tree (я положу руку на это дерево) and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can (я хочу, чтобы ты ударил по ней /твоим/ кулаком так сильно, как можешь)."
The ditch digger ("копальщик" рва) took a mighty swing (взял мощный размах /to take-took-taken/) and tried (попытался) to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed (отодвинул) his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back (вернулся /to go-went-gone/) to his hole. His friend (друг) asked, "What did he say?"
The ditch digger ("копальщик" рва) took a mighty swing (взял мощный размах /to take-took-taken/) and tried (попытался) to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed (отодвинул) his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back (вернулся /to go-went-gone/) to his hole. His friend (друг) asked, "What did he say?"
"He said we are down here because of (из-за) intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" said the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face (на свое лицо) and said, "Take your shovel (возьми лопату) and hit my hand."
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day.
One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?"
"I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?"
"Intelligence," the boss said.
"What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can."
The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree.
The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?"
"He said we are down here because of intelligence."
"What's intelligence?" said the friend.
The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."
What do you mean?
Three Englishmen were in a bar (три англичанина были в баре) and spotted an Irishman (заметили ирландца). So, one of the Englishmen walked over (один из англичан подошел) to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder (хлопнул его по плечу), and said, "Hey, I hear (я слышу) your St. Patrick was a drunken loser (был пьяница-неудачник; to lose — терять; проигрывать)."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that (правда? Я этого не знал)."
Puzzled (озадаченный), the Englishman walked back to his buddies (вернулся к приятелям). "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care (а его это не задело; ему было все равно; to care — заботиться, волноваться)."
The second Englishman remarked (заметил), "You just don't know how to set him off… (ты просто не знаешь как вывести его из себя) watch and learn (смотри и учись)." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying (был лживым), idiotic (идиотичным), low-life scum! (нищим, влачащим жалкое существование мерзавцем; scum — пена, подонок)"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief (невероятно потрясенный: beyond — за пределом; belief — вера), the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right (ты прав). He's unshakable! (он не "потрясаем"; его не расшевелить; to shake — трясти, встряхивать)"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys (парни), I'll really tick him off… just watch (я действительно его "заведу"… только смотрите)." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying (пытались) to tell me."
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care."
The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off… watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off… just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.
Watch and learn!
You're right.
A visitor from Holland (гость из Голландии) was chatting with his American friend (беседовал со своим американским другом) and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag (и шутя объяснял "о" красном, белом и голубом на флаге Нидерландов).
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes (наш флаг символизирует наши налоги)," he said. "We get red when we talk about them (мы краснеем, когда говорим о них), white when we get our tax bill (белеем, когда получаем налоговую квитанцию), and blue after we pay them (и синеем; становимся грустными после того, как их заплатим — игра слов: blue — синий, голубой и blue — грустный, печальный)."
"That's the same with us (то же и с нами)," the American said, "only we see stars, too (только мы еще видим звезды; сравните: I saw stars = у меня звезды посыпались из глаз)."
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.
"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."
A family was visiting an Indian reservation (семья посещала индейскую резервацию) when they happen upon an old tribesman (когда они случайно натыкаются на старика из племени; tribe — племя) laying face down in the middle оf the road (лежащего лицом вниз посреди дороги) with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop (с ухом, крепко прижатым к асфальту; blacktop — щебеночно-асфальтовое покрытие).
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing (отец семейства спросил старика, что он делает).
The tribesman began to speak… (начал говорить /to begin-began-begun/) "woman (женщина), late thirties (под сорок лет), three kids (трое детей), one barking dog (лающая собака) in late model, four door station wagon (в четырехдверном фургоне последней модели), traveling at 65 m.p.h (едущим со скоростью 65 миль в час)."
"That's amazing! (невероятно)" exclaimed (воскликнул) the father.
"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground? (вы можете все это сказать, просто слушая землю)"
"No," said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago! (они просто переехали меня пять минут назад)"
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old tribesman laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing.
The tribesman began to speak…"woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h."
"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father.
"You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground?"
"No," said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"
That's amazing!
A prominent Polish scientist (выдающийся польский ученый) conducted very important experiment (проводил очень важный эксперимент; experiment [Iks'perIment]). He trained a flea to jump (он учил блоху прыгать) upon giving her a verbal command "Jump!" (давая ей устную команду — "прыжок")
In a first stage (на первой стадии) of experiment he removed flea's leg (удалил блошиную лапку), told (сказал /to tell-told-told/) her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook (записал в своей "научной" тетрадке) "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly (после удаления одной лапки все блошиные органы функционируют должным образом)."
So, he removed the second (вторую) leg, asked (попросил, скомандовал) the flea to jump, she obeyed (подчинилась), so he wrote again (снова): "Upon removing the second (второй) leg all flea organs function properly."
Thereafter (после этого) he removed all the legs but one (все лапки, кроме одной), the flea jumped when ordered (когда ей было приказано), so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next (следующей) leg all flea organs function properly."
Then he removed the last (последнюю) leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened (ничего не произошло). He did not want (он не хотел) to take a chance (полагаться на случай), so he repeated (повторил) the experiment several times (несколько раз), and the legless (безногая) flea never (никогда = вовсе не) jumped. So he wrote the conclusion (вывод): "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing (теряет слух: "чувство слуха")."
A prominent Polish scientist conducted very important experiment. He trained a flea to jump upon giving her a verbal command "Jump!"
In a first stage of experiment he removed flea's leg, told her to jump, and the flea jumped. So he wrote in his scientific notebook: "Upon removing one leg all flea organs function properly."
So, he removed the second leg, asked the flea to jump, she obeyed, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the second leg all flea organs function properly."
Thereafter he removed all the legs but one, the flea jumped when ordered, so he wrote again: "Upon removing the next leg all flea organs function properly."
Then he removed the last leg. Told flea to jump, and nothing happened. He did not want to take a chance, so he repeated the experiment several times, and the legless flea never jumped. So he wrote the conclusion: "Upon removing the last leg the flea loses sense of hearing."
The Irish girl knelt (ирландская девушка стала на колени /to kneel-knelt-knelt/) in the confessional (на исповеди: «в исповедальне»; to confess — признавать/ся/; исповедовать/ся/) and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned (благословите меня = отпустите грехи, отче, ибо я согрешила)."
"What is it ("что это" = что ты сделала, что случилось), child? (дитя)"
The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity (я совершила грех тщеславия). Twice a day (дважды в день) I gaze at myself in the mirror (я разглядываю себя в зеркало; to gaze — пристально глядеть) and tell myself how beautiful I am (и говорю себе, как я прекрасна)."
The priest turned (священник повернулся), took a good look (внимательно посмотрел: "взял хороший взгляд" /to take-took-taken/) at the girl, and said, "My dear (моя дорогая), I have good news (у меня хорошие новости). That isn't a sin — it's only a mistake (это не грех — это только ошибка)."