Here in the candlelight, in their mated bed, though, all that faded some.
With a sigh, she turned into his warm, heavy body and the contact changed her: Without having to turn herself solid, she became corporeal, the heat flowing between them and magnifying and making her as real as he was. Looking up, she stared at his fierce, beautiful face with its tattoo at the temple and the black hair that he always shoved back and the slashing eyebrows and those icy pale eyes.
Over the past week, shed played and replayed that night when things had gotten so rough. And though a lot of it was disappointing and anxious-making, there was one thing that just didnt make sense.
When theyd met up in the tunnel, Vishous had been wearing a turtleneck. And he never wore turtlenecks. He hated them because he found them confiningwhich was ironic, given what sometimes got him off. Typically, he wore muscle shirts or went naked, and she wasnt stupid. He might be a hard-core hard-ass, but his skin bruised as easily as anyone elses did.
Hed said hed gotten into a fight, but he was a master at hand-to-hand combat. So if he was pulling a head-to-toe black-and-blue it happened for only one reason: because he allowed it.
And she had to wonder who had done it to him.
You all right? V asked.
She reached up and put her palm on his cheek. Are you? Were they?
He didnt blink. What was the dream about?
Were going to have to talk about things, V.
His lips thinned out. And got even tighter as she waited. Finally, he said, Payne is where she is. Its only been a week and
Not about her. About what happened that night you were out alone.
Now he eased back, sinking into the pillows and linking his two hands over his tight abs. In the dim light, the tight bands of muscle and ropes of vein that ran up his neck threw sharp shadows.
You accusing me of being with someone else? I thought we went through this.
Stop deflecting. She stared at him steadily. And if you want to pick a fight, go find some lessers.
In any other male, her hitting back like that might have guaranteed a flat-out argument, with all the attendant dramatics.
Instead, Vishous turned to her and smiled. Listen to you.
Id rather you talked to me.
The sexual light that she was so familiar with, but hadnt seen in a week, boiled up in his eyes as he rolled over toward her. Then his lids lowered and he looked at her breasts underneath the simple Hanes T-shirt shed fallen asleep in.
She put her face in the way, but she was smiling, too. Things had been so stiff and strained between them. This felt normal. Im not going to be distracted.
As heat poured out of his big body in waves, her mate took his fingertip and trailed it along her shoulder. And then he opened his mouth, the white tips of his fangs making an appearance and getting even longer as he licked his lips.
Somehow, the sheet that was covering him got tugged down his ribbed abdomen. Lower. Lower still. It was his gloved hand doing the duty, and with every inch exposed, her eyes had more trouble going anywhere else. He stopped right before his massive erection was revealed, but he gave her a show: The tattoos around his groin stretched and righted themselves as his hips curled and relaxed, curled and relaxed.
Vishous . . .
What.
His gloved hand dipped under the black satin, and she didnt have to see where it went to be well aware hed gripped himself: The fact that he arched back told her everything she needed to know. That and the way he bit down on his lower lip.
Jane . . .
What.
Are you just going to watch, true?
God, she remembered the first time shed seen him like this, all laid out on a bed, erect, ready. Shed been giving him a sponge bath, and hed read her like a book: As much as she hadnt wanted to admit it, shed been desperate to watch him get off.
And shed made sure he had.
Feeling heated herself, she leaned over to him, dropping her mouth so that it almost touched his. Youre still deflecting
In a flash, his free hand snapped up and clasped the back of her neck, trapping her. And didnt that power in him go straight down between her thighs.
Yes. I am. His tongue came out and flicked across her lip. But we can always talk after were through. You know I never lie.
I thought the line was more like . . . youre never wrong.
Well, thats true, too. A pumping growl came out of him. And right now . . . you and I need this.
That last part was said with none of the passion and all of the seriousness she needed to hear. And what do you know, he was right. The pair of them had been circling for the last seven days, stepping carefully, avoiding the land mine in the center of their relationship. Connecting like this, skin-to-skin, was going to help them get through to the words that had to be spoken.
So what do you say? he murmured.
What are you waiting for?
The laugh he let out was low and satisfied, and his forearm tightened and released as he started to stroke himself. Pull the sheet back, Jane.
The command was husky, but clear, and it got to her. As it always did.
Do it, Jane. Watch me.
She put her hand on his pec and drifted it downward, feeling the ribs of his chest and the hard ridges of his abdominals, hearing the hiss as he drew a sharp breath in through his teeth. Lifting the sheet, she had to swallow hard as the head of him breached the top of his fist, breaking free and offering itself with a single, crystal tear.
When she reached out for him, he snapped a hold on her wrist and held her back.
Look at me, Jane . . . came the groan. But dont touch.
Son of a bitch. She hated when he did this. Loved it, too.
Vishous didnt let go of his hold on her as he worked his erection with his gloved hand, his body so beautiful as it found a rhythm with the pump of his palm. Candlelight turned the whole episode into something mysterious, but then . . . it was always like that with V. With him, she never knew what to expect, and not just because he was the son of a deity. He was sex on the edge all the time, hard-cornered and crafty, twisted and demanding.
And she knew that she merely got the watered-down version of him.
There were deeper caves in his underground maze, ones that she had never visited and could never go to.
Jane, he said roughly. Whatever youre thinking about, drop it. . . . Stay with me here and now and dont go there.
She closed her eyes. Shed known what she was mating and what she loved. Back when shed committed to him for eternity, shed been well aware of the men and the women and the way hed had them. Shed just never have guessed that that past would come between them
I wasnt with anyone else. His voice was strong and sure. That night. I swear to it.
Her lids lifted. Hed stopped working himself out and was lying still.
Abruptly, the sight of him was obscured by tears. Im so sorry, she croaked. I just needed to hear that. I trust you, I honestly do, but I
Shh . . . its okay. His gloved hand reached out and brushed the tear from her cheek. Its all right. Why wouldnt you question whats doing with me?
Its wrong.
No, Im wrong. He took a deep breath. Ive spent the last week trying to force things to come out of my mouth. Ive hated this shit, but I didnt know what the hell to say that wouldnt make it worse.
On some level, she was surprised at the compassion and the understanding. The two of them were so very independent and that was why their relationship worked: He was reserved and she didnt need much emotional support, and usually that math added up beautifully.
Not this week, however.
Im sorry, too, he murmured. And I wish I were a different kind of male.
Somehow, she knew he was talking about so much more than his reserved nature. Theres nothing you cant talk to me about, V. When all she got back was a Hmm, she said, Theres a lot of stress right now for you. I know that. And I would do anything to help you.
I love you.
Then youve got to talk to me. The one thing guaranteed not to work is silence.
I know. But its like looking into a dark room. I want to tell you shit, but I cant . . . I cant see anything I feel.
She believed thatand recognized it as something that victims of child abuse tended to struggle with in adulthood. The early survival mechanism that got them through everything was compartmentalization: When things got too much to handle, they fractured their inner selves and stashed their emotions far, far away.
The danger, of course, was the pressure that invariably built up.
At least the ice between them was broken, though. And they were in this quiet, semi-peaceful space now.
Of their own volition, her eyes drifted down to his arousal, which lay flat up his stomach, stretching even beyond his navel. Suddenly, she wanted him so badly she couldnt speak.
Take me, Jane, he growled. Do whatever the fuck you want to me.
What she wanted to do was suck on him and so she did, bending over his hips, taking him into her mouth, drawing him down to the back of her throat. The sound he made was all animal, and his hips jerked up, pushing the hot length of him farther into her. Then one of his knees abruptly bent up so that he wasnt just prone, but sprawled, as he gave himself over to her completely, cupping the back of her head while she found a rhythm that drove him
The shift of her body was both fast and smooth.
With his tremendous strength, V repositioned her in the blink of an eye, pivoting her around and shoving the sheets out of the way so he could lift her hips up and over his torso. Her thighs were split over his face and
Vishous, she said around his erection.
His mouth was slick and warm and right on target, fusing with her sex, latching on and sucking before his tongue snaked out and licked inside of her. Her brain didnt so much turn off as explode, and with nothing left to think with, she was blissfully lost in what was happening and not what had gone before. She had a feeling V was the same. . . . He was all about the stroking, lapping at her and sucking on her, his hands digging into her thighs as he moaned her name against her core. And it was damn hard to concentrate on what he was doing to her at the same time she was doing it for him, but what a problem to have. His erection in her mouth was hot and hard, and he was pure velvet between her legs, and the sensations were proof that even though she was a ghost, her physical reactions were just the same as when shed been alive
Fuck, I need you, he cursed.
On another quick burst of power, Vishous lifted her as if she didnt weigh more than the sheet did, and the shift was not a surprise. He always preferred to come inside her, deep inside of her, and he spread her legs before settling her on top of his hips, his blunt head nudging into her . . . and slamming home.
The invasion was not just about sex, but him staking his claim, and she loved it. This was the way it should be.
Falling forward and bracing herself against his shoulders, she stared into his eyes as they moved together, the rhythm pounding until they came at the same time, both of them going rigid as he jerked inside of her and her sex milked him. And then V flipped her onto her back and shot down her body, going back to where hed been, his mouth fusing on her, his palms locking on her thighs as he ate at her.
As she came hard, there was no break or pause. He surged forward, stretching up both her legs and swording in, entering her on a solid stroke and taking over. His body was a massive, pistoning machine on top of her, his bonding scent roaring in the room as he orgasmed hard, the week of abstinence getting dusted in one glorious session.
While his orgasm rocked through him, she watched him as he came, loving all parts of him, even the ones that she sometimes struggled to understand.
And then he kept going. More sex. And still more.
Nearly an hour later, they were finally sated, lying still and breathing deep in the candlelight.
Vishous rolled them over, keeping them joined, and his eyes roamed her face for a long moment. I have no words. Sixteen languages, but no words.
There was both love and despair in his voice. He was truly handicapped when it came to emotions, and falling in love hadnt changed that . . . at least, not when things were as stressful as they were right now. But that was okayafter this time together it was okay.
Its all right. She kissed his pec. I understand you.
I just wish you didnt have to.
You get me.
Yeah, but youre easy.
Jane propped herself up. Im a frickin ghost. In case you havent noticed. Not something a lot of men would be psyched about.
V pulled her to his mouth for a quick, hard kiss. But I get you for the rest of my life.
That you do. Humans, after all, didnt last a tenth of what vampires did.
When the alarm went off beside them, V glared at the thing. Now I know why I sleep with a gun under my pillow.
As he reached out to silence the clock, she had to agree. You know, you could just shoot it.
Nah, Butch would get his ass in here, and I dont want a weapon in my palm if he ever sees you naked.
Jane smiled and then lay back as he got out of bed and walked over to the bathroom. At the door, he paused and looked over his shoulder. I came to you, Jane. Every night this week, I came to you. I didnt want you to be alone. And I didnt want to sleep without you.
On that note, he ducked into the bath, and a moment later she heard the shower come on.
He was better at words than he thought.
With a satisfied stretch, she knew she had to get up and moving, tootime to relieve Ehlena from her day shift in the clinic. But man, she would love to lie here all night. Maybe just a little longer . . .
Vishous left ten minutes later to go to meet with Wrath and the Brotherhood, and he kissed her on the way to the exit. Twice.
Getting out of bed, she hit the bathroom for a while, and then went to their closet and opened the double doors. Hanging from the rod there were leathershis; plain white T-shirtshers; white coatshers; biker jacketshis. The weapons were all locked up in a fire safe; shoes were down on the floor.
Her life was in many ways incomprehensible. Ghost married to a vampire? Come on.
But looking at this closet, so nice and arranged with their crazy lives at rest among these carefully placed clothes and footwear, she felt good about where they were. Normal was not a bad thing in this lunatic world; it really wasnt.
No matter how it happened to be defined.
EIGHTEEN
Down in the training centers clinic, Payne was doing her exercises, as shed come to think of them.
Lying in the hospital bed with the pillows pushed to the side, she crossed her arms over her chest and tightened her stomach, pulling her torso upright on a slow rise. When she was perpendicular to the mattress, she extended her arms straight out and held them there while she eased back down. After even one round, her heart was pounding and her breath was short, but she gave herself only a brief recovery and repeated. And repeated. And repeated.
Each time the effort grew progressively more strenuous, until sweat beaded on her forehead and her stomach muscles strained into pain. Jane had shown her how to do this, and she supposed it was a benefitalthough compared to what she had been capable of, it was a spark measured against a bonfire.
Indeed, Jane had tried to get her to do so much more . . . had even wheeled in a chair for her to sit in and ambulate, but Payne couldnt bear the sight of the thing, or the idea of spending her life rolling from place to place.
In the past week, she had summarily closed off all avenues of accommodation in the hopes of a singular miracle . . . that had never materialized.
It felt like centuries since shed fought with Wrath . . . since she had known the coordination and strength of her limbs. She had taken so much for granted, and now she missed who she had once been with a grief that shed assumed one had only for the dead.
Then again, she supposed she had died. Her body just wasnt smart enough to stop working.
With a curse in the Old Language, she collapsed back and left herself lying there. When she was able, she found the leather strap that she had cranked down over her thighs. The thing was so tight, she knew it was cutting off circulation, but she felt neither the constriction of the binding nor any sweet release as she sprang the clasp and the leather popped loose.
It had been thus since the night she had returned herein.
No change.
Closing her eyes, she reentered into an inner war whereupon her fears drew swords against her mind, and the results were eer more tragic. After seven cycles of night and day, her army of rationality was suffering from a sorry lack of ammunition and deep fatigue amongst its troops. Thus, the tide was turning. First, she had been buoyed by optimism, but that had faded, and then there had been a period of resolved patience, which had not lasted long. Since then, she had tarried along this barren road of baseless hope.
Alone.
Verily, the loneliness was the worst part of the ordeal: For all the people who were free to come and go, in and out of her room, she was utterly separate even when they sat and talked to her or attended to her very basic needs. Confined to this bed, she was on another plane of reality from them, separated by a vast, invisible desert that she could see clearly oer, but was unable to cross.
And it was strange. All that she had lost became most acute whenever she thought of her human healerwhich was so often she could not count the times.
Oh, how she missed that man. Many were the hours she had spent remembering his voice and his face and that last moment between them . . . until her memories became a blanket with which to warm herself during the long, cold stretches of worry and concern.
Unfortunately, however, much like her rational side, that blanket was fraying from overuse, and there was no repairing it.
Her healer was not of her world and neer to returnnothing but a brief, vivid dream that had disintegrated into filaments and fragments now that she had awoken.
Cease, she said to herself out loud.
With the upper-body strength she was trying to maintain, she turned to the side for the two pillows, fighting against the deadweight of her lower body as she strained to
Her balance failed in a flash, and sent her careening even in her prone position, her arm knocking the glass of water from the table next to her.
And alas, it was not an object well suited for impact.
As it shattered, Payne closed her mouth, which was the only way she knew to keep her screams in her lungs. Otherwise, they would breach the seal of her lips and neer stop.
When she thought she had enough self-control, she looked over the side of the bed at the mess on the floor. Ordinarily, it would be so simplesomething spilled and one would clean it up.
Previously, all she would have done was bend over and mop it up.
Now? She had two choices: Lie here and call for help like an invalid. Or prethink and strategize and make an attempt to be independent.
It took her some time to figure out the bracing points for her hands and then judge the distance to the floor. Fortunately, she was unplugged from all the tubing that had been running into her arm, but a catheter remained . . . so mayhap trying to do this herself was a bad idea.
Yet she could not bear the indignity of just lying here. No soldier was she; now she was a child incapable of caring for herself.
It was no longer supportable.
Snapping out squares of Kleenex, as people called them, she lowered the railing on the bed, gripped the top of it, and curled herself over onto her side. The torsion caused her legs to flop around like those of a puppet, all motion without grace, but at least she could reach downward to the smooth floor with the white fluff on her palm.
As she stretched whilst trying to maintain a precarious balance on the ledge of the bed, she was tired of being done for, tended to, washed and wrapped like a young newly born unto the world
Her body went the way of the glass.
Without warning, her grip slipped off the smooth rail, and with her hips so far off the mattress, she fell headfirst toward the floor, the grab of gravity too strong for her to overcome. Throwing out her hands, she caught herself on the wet flooring, but both palms shot from under her and she took the force of impact on the side of the face, breath exploding out of her lungs.
And then there was no movement.
She was trapped, the bed buttressing her useless limbs so that they remained directly over her head and torso, cramming her into the floor.
Dragging air down her throat, she called out, Help . . . hellllp . . .
With her face squeezed, her arms starting to go numb, and her lungs burning from suffocation, rage lit up within her until her body trembled
It started as a squeak. Then the noise turned into movement as her cheek began to skid on the tile, the skin stretching so thin, she felt like it was being peeled off her skull. And then pressure grew on the nape of her neck, her thick braid pulling her head in one direction at the same time her strange position drove her forward.
Summoning all her strength, she focused her rage and maneuvered her arms so that her palms were back flat to the floor. After a tremendous inhale, she shoved hard, pushing herself up and flipping herself on her back
Her rope of hair fell in and among the railings supports and locked in tight, the thick length keeping her in place, whilst wrenching her neck to her shoulder. Trapped and going nowhere, she could see only her legs from her vantage point, her long, slender legs that she had never before given any particular thought to.
As the blood gradually pooled into her torso, she watched the skin on her calves get paper white.
Fists curling, she willed her toes to move.
Damn you . . . move. . . . She would have closed her eyes to concentrate, but she didnt want to miss the miracle if it happened.
It did not.
It had not.
And she was coming to realize . . . it would not.
As the pads of her toenails went from pink to gray, she knew she had to come to terms with where she was. And was not there a fine analogy to her current physical position.
Broken. Useless. Deadweight.
The breakdown that finally ensued carried with it no tears or sobs. Instead, the snap was demarcated by a grim resolve.
Payne!
At the sound of Janes voice, she closed her eyes. This was not the savior she wanted. Her twin . . . she needed her twin to do right by her.
Please get Vishous, she said hoarsely. Please.
Janes voice got very close. Lets get you up off the floor.
Vishous.
There was a click and she knew that the alarm she had not been able to reach had been sounded.
Please, she groaned. Get Vishous.
Lets get you
Vishous.
Silence. Until the door was thrown open.
Help me, Ehlena, she heard Jane say.
Payne was aware that her own mouth was moving, but she went deaf as the two females hefted her back upon the bed and resettled her legs, lining them up parallel to each other before covering them with white sheeting.
Whilst various and sundry cleaning endeavors occurred both upon the bed and the floor, she focused across the room at the white wall she had stared at for the eternity since she had been moved into this space.
Payne?
When she didnt reply, Jane repeated, Payne. Look at me.
She shifted her eyes over and felt nothing as she stared into the worried face of her twins shellan. I need my brother.
Of course Ill get him. Hes in a meeting right now, but Ill have him come down before he leaves for the night. Long pause. Can I ask you why you want him?
The even, level words told her clearly that the good healer was no imbecile.
Payne?
Payne shut her eyes and heard herself say, He made me a promise when this all started. And I need him to keep it.
* * *
In spite of the fact that she was a ghost, Janes heart was still capable of stopping in her chest.
And as she eased down onto the edge of the hospital bed, there was nothing moving behind her sternum. What promise was that, she said to her patient.
It is a matter betwixt the pair of us.
The hell it was, Jane thought. Assuming that she was guessing right.
Payne, there might be something else we can do.
Although what that was, she hadnt a clue. The X-rays were showing that the bones had been aligned properly, Mannys skills having fixed them perfectly. That spinal cord, thoughthat was the wild card. Shed had a hope that some regeneration of nerves might be possibleshe was still learning about the vampire bodys capabilities, many of which seemed like pure magic compared to what humans could do in terms of healing.
But no luck. Not in this case.
And it didnt take an Einstein extrapolation to figure out what Payne was looking for.
Be honest with me, shellan of my twin. Paynes crystal eyes locked on hers. Be honest with yourself.
If there was one thing that Jane hated about being a doctor, it was the judgment call. There were a lot of incidents when decisions were clear: Some guy presented at the ER with his hand in an ice cooler and a tourniquet around his arm? Reattach the appendage and run those nerves back where they needed to be. Woman in labor with a preemergent cord? C-section her. Compound fracture? Open it up and set it.
But not everything was that simple. On a regular basis, the gray fog of maybe-this, maybe-that rolled in, and she had to stare into the cloudy and the murky
Oh, who was she kidding.
The clinical side of this equation had reached its correct sum. She just didnt want to believe the answer.
Payne, let me go get Mary
I did not wish to speak with the counseling female two nights ago, and I shant speak unto her now. This is over for me, healer. And as much as it pains me to call upon my twin, please go and get him. You are a good female and you should not be the one.
Jane looked at her hands. She had never once used them to kill. Ever. It was antithetical not just to her calling and her commitment to her profession, but her as a person.
And yet as she thought about her hellren and the time theyd spent together when shed woken up with him, she knew she couldnt let him come here and do what Payne wanted him to: Hed taken a small step back from the precipice hed been about to jump off of, and there was nothing Jane wouldnt do to keep him from that ledge.
I cant go get him, she said. Im sorry. I just wont put him in that position.
The moan that rose from Paynes throat was despair from the heart given wings and released. Healer, this is my choice. My life. Not yours. You wish to be a true savior, then make it look accidental, or get me a weapon and Ill do it. But leave me not in this state. I cannot bear it, and you have done no good for your patient if I continue thus.
On some level, Jane had known this was coming. She had seen it clear as the pale shadows in the dark X-rays, the ones that told her everything should be working rightand if it wasnt, the spinal cord had been irreparably injured.
She stared at those legs that lay under the sheet so still and thought of the Hippocratic oath she had taken years ago: Do no harm was the first commandment.
It was hard not to see Payne as having been harmed if she were left like thisespecially because she hadnt wanted the procedure in the first place. Jane had been the one urging the salvation, pushing it on the female for her own reasonsand V had been the same.
I shall find a way, Payne said. Somehow, I shall find a way.
Hard not to believe that.
And there was a greater chance of safe success if Jane helped in some mannerPayne was weak, and any weapon in her hand would be a disaster waiting to happen.
I dont know if I can do this. The words left Janes mouth slowly. Youre his sister. I dont know if hed ever forgive me.
He need never know.
God, what a bind. If she were stuck in that bed, she would feel exactly as Payne did, and she would want someone to help her execute her final wish. But the burden of keeping something like that from V? How could she do that?