Seeker - Кейт Тирнан 6 стр.


I frowned. Writing them down? You have knowledge of this? The idea of a witch compiling a list of the true names of living creatures, especially people, was almost unthinkable. Knowing somethings true name gives one ultimate power over it. In some cases this is useful, even necessary for example, in healing. But it is all too easy to misuse someones true name, to use it for powers sake. Writing this information down would give that power to anyone who read the list. And knowing the true name of a human or witch would give someone ultimate power over them. It was very, very difficult to come by someones true name. How had she been gathering them?

Yes, she doesnt deny it, Kennet said. Weve sent her a letter, demanding she stop, going over some of the basic protocols of craft knowledge, but she hasnt responded. Wed like you to go see her, investigate the matter, and determine a course of action.

No problem, I said, thinking about how relieved I would be to get away from here, if only for a short while.

If its true that shes keeping a list, then she must be stopped and the list destroyed, Kennet went on. For such a list to fall into the wrong hands would be disastrous, and this Justine Courceau must be made to realize that.

I understand. Can you tell me where she lives?

Kennet gave me directions, and I fetched the map from the car and traced the route, making sure I understood. She lived in Ontario Province, near a town called Foxton. It appeared to be about three hours drive from Saint Jérôme du Lac.

When I rang off with Kennet, it was almost dark. I stopped in at the grocers to get more milk and more apples, feeling the irony of wanting to feed Da and yet resenting the fact that it gave him the strength he needed to get to the bith dearc. But I felt we had made real progress today. He had stayed away from the bith dearc. We had talked, really talked, for the first time. I hoped it was just the first step.

However, when I got back, the cabin was empty, the fire burning unbanked in the fireplace. I knew immediately where he had gone. As fast as that, my anger erupted afresh, and in the next second I had thrown the groceries across the kitchen, seeing the container of milk burst against the wall, the white milk running down in streams. This wasnt meI had always been self-control personified. What was happening to me in this place?

This time it took only twenty-five minutes to get to the hut, despite the fact that the path was still spelled and it was dark outside. My anger propelled me forward, my long legs striding through the woods as if it were daylight. The closer I got to the hut, the more I was assaulted by waves of panic and nausea. When I could hardly bear the feelings of dread, I knew I was close. And then I was in the clearing, the moonlight shining down on me, witnessing my shame, my anger.

Without hesitation I stormed into the hut, ducking through the low doorway, to find Daniel crouched over the eerily black bith dearc. He looked up when I came in, but this time his face was excited, glad. He flung out his hand to me.

Hunter! he said, and it struck me that this was perhaps the first time he had used my given name. Hunter, Im close, so close! This time Ill get through, I know it.

Leave off this! I cried. You know this is wrong; you know this is sapping your strength. Its not good, its not right; you know Mum would have hated this!

No, no, son, Da said eagerly. No, your mum loved me; she wants to speak to me; she pines for me as I pine for her. Hunter, Im close, so close this time, but Im weak. With your help I know I could get through, speak to your mother. Please, son, just this once. Lend me your strength.

I stared at him, appalled. So this was what the bith dearc had really been about. Not helping othersthat was incidental. His true goal had always been to contact Mum. But what he was suggesting was unthinkable, going not only against the written and unwritten laws of the craft, but also against my vows to the council as a Seeker.

Son, Da said, his voice raspy and seductive. This is your mother, your mother, Hunter. You know you were her favorite, her firstborn. She died without seeing you again, and it broke her heart. Give her the chance to see you now, see you one last time.

My breath left my lungs in a whoosh; Das low blow had caught me unaware, and I almost doubled over with the pain of it. He was wily, Daniel Niall, he was ruthless. He had seen the chink in my armor and had rammed his knife home. It was a mistake for anyone to discount him as weak, as helpless.

Its a powerful magick, Hunter, he wheedled. Good magick to know, to be master of.

I snorted, knowing that anyone who thought he was master of a bith dearc was telling himself dangerous lies. It was like an alcoholic insisting he could stop anytime he wanted.

Its your mother, son, said Daniel again.

Oh, Goddess. The reality of this opportunity suddenly sank in with a power that was all too seductive. Fiona. . I had missed seeing my mother by two short months. To see her nowone last timeto feel her presence. . Fiona the Bright, dancing around a maypole, laughing.

I sank to my knees across from my father, on the opposite side of the bith dearc. I felt sick and weakened; I was angry and embarrassed at my own weakness, angry at Da for being able to seduce me to his dark purpose. Yet if I could see my mother, just once. . I knew how he felt.

Da reached out and put his bony hands on my shoulders. I did the same, clasping his shoulders in my hands. The bith dearc roiled between us, a frightening rip in the world, an oddly glowing black hole. Then together, with Daniel leading, we began the series of chants that would take us through to the other side.

The chants were long and complicated; I had learned them, of course: they were part of the basic knowledge I had to prove before I could be initiated. But naturally, I had never used them and had forgotten them in places. Then Daniel sang, his voice cracked and ruined, and I followed as best I could, feeling ashamed for my weakness and his.

I dont know how long we knelt there on the frozen ground, but gradually, gradually I began to become aware of something else, another presence.

It was my mother.

Though I hadnt seen or spoken to her in eleven years, there was no mistaking the way her soul felt, touching mine. I glanced up in awe to look at Daniel and saw that tears of joy were streaming down his hollowed cheeks. Then I realized that my mothers spirit had joined us in the hut. I could sense her shimmering presence, floating before us.

At last, at last, came Das whisper, like sandpaper.

I was scared, my mouth dry. I was not master of this magick, and neither was Daniel. This was wrong, it was trouble, and I should have had no part of it. This was how my brother had died, calling on dark magick to find a taibhs that had turned on him and taken his life.

Hunter, darling. I felt rather than heard her voice.

Mum, I whispered back. I couldnt believe that after eleven years, I was near her again, feeling her spirit.

Darling, is it you? Unlike Da, Mum seemed genuinely happy to see me, genuinely full of love for me. From her spirit I received waves of love and comfort, welcome and regret more emotion than my father had spared for me so far. Oh, Gìomanachyoure a man, a man before my eyes, my mother said, her pride and wonder palpable. I started crying.

My sweet, no, came her voice inside my head. Dont spoil this with sadness. Lets take joy from this one chance to express our love. For I do love you, my son, I love you more than I can say. In life I was far from you; you were beyond my reach. Now nothing is. Now I can be with you, always, wherever you are. You need never miss me again.

Ive never been comfortable with crying, but this was all too much for methe pain of my last five days, my fear and worry for my father, my anger, and now this, seeing and hearing my long-lost mother, having her confirm what I thought I would wonder about my whole life: that she loved me, that shed missed me, that she was proud of me, of who I had become.

Fiona, my love, youve come back to me, said Da, weeping openly.

No, my darling, said Mum gently. Youve called me here, but you know it cant be. I am where I am now and must stay. And you must stay in your world, until we can be together again.

We can be together now! my father said. I can keep the bith dearc open; we can be together.

No, I said, pulling myself back to reality. The bith dearc is wrong. You have to shut it down. If you dont, I will.

His eyes blazed at me. How can you say that? Its given you your mother back!

Shes not back, Da, I said. Its her spirit; it isnt her. And she cant stay. And you cant make her. This isnt good for her, and its going to kill you.

Angrily my father started to say something, but my mother intervened. Hunters right, Maghach, she said, a slight edge to her voice. This isnt right for either of us.

It is. It could be, Da insisted.

Hunter is thinking more clearly than you, my love, Mum said. I am here this once. I cant come here again.

You must come back, my father said, a note of desperation entering his voice. I must be with you. Nothing is worthwhile without you.

Be ashamed, Maghach, my mother said in her no-nonsense tone. It gave me joy to hear it, bringing back memories of my childhood, when Id had parents. To say that nothing is worthwhile dishonors the beauty of the world, the joy of the Goddess.

If you cant stay, then Ill kill myself! Daniel said wildly, his hands reaching for her spirit. Ill kill myself to be with you!

My mothers face softened, even as I despised the weakness my father was showing. My darling, she said gently. I love you with all my heart. I always did, from the first moment I saw you. I look forward to loving you again, in our next lives together, and again, in our lives after that. You will always be the one for me. But now I am dead, and you are not, and you mustnt desecrate the Goddess by wishing to be dead yourself. To deny life is wrong. To mourn in a negative, self-centered way is wrong. You must live for yourself, and for your children. Hunter and Alwyn need your help and your love.

I was glad to hear my mother confirm the feelings Id had about this. I felt a mixture of pathos and disgust, pity and shame, watching the despair on Das face.

I dont care! he cried, and I wanted to hate him. All I want is to be with you! You are my life! My breath, my soul, my happiness, my sanity! Without you there is nothing. Dont you understand? My father fell forward onto his arms, sobs shaking his thin frame. Once again I felt this couldnt be the father I had known. I was horrified at how weak he had become.

Dont judge him too harshly, Hunter, came Mums voice, and I sensed she was speaking to me alone. When you were a child, he was a god to you, but now you see that hes just a man, and hes mourning. Dont judge him until you too have lost something precious.

I did lose something precious, I said, looking in her direction. I lost my brother. I lost my parents.

Her voice was sad and regretful. Im so sorry, my love. We did what we thought was best. Perhaps we were wrong. I know youve suffered. And Linden suffered, too, perhaps most of all. But that wasnt your fault; you know that. And please believe me when I say that I loved you, Linden, and Alwyn with every breath, every second of every day. I made you, I bore you, and I will be with you forever.

I hung my head, unwilling to start crying again.

My son, she said, please take your father away from here. Destroy this bith dearc. Dont let Daniel return. My shadow world will eventually sap his strength and take his life if he doesnt stay away. And if he keeps calling me back, my spirit will be unable to progress on its journey. As much as I love your father, you, and Alwyn, I know that its right for my spirit to move on, to see what more lies ahead of me.

I understand, I choked out. My father was still bent double, weeping. I felt something brush me, as if Mum had touched me with her hand, and as she faded away, I saw a flash of her beautiful face.

Fiona! No! Da cried, reaching futilely for her, then collapsing again. When she was gone, I swallowed hard and rubbed the sleeve of my shirt against my face. Then, getting to my feet, I grabbed hold of my fathers arm and dragged him outside, into the cold air. As awful as it was outside, it was still better than the wretched sickness of the hut.

Daniel crumpled to the ground, and I stumbled, trying to catch him. I felt weak, light-headed, and sick, as if someone had dosed me with poison. At first I didnt understand why I felt so terrible, but then I realized that Mum had meant her words literally: contacting the shadow world saps ones life force. I looked at my father, facedown on the ground, clawing at the snow-encrusted dirt, and realized exactly why Daniel looked so awfulwho knew how long hed been doing this? Two months? It was a wonder he was alive at all, if I felt like this after only one time, and I was a young, strong, healthy man.

It came to me that I might have to turn Daniel in to the council to save his life. I wondered whether I would have the strength. I staggered to my feet and pulled my father up by one arm. Then, with him leaning heavily on me, we headed back to the cabin.

10. Shadows

There is something coming.

I first became aware of it this morning as I tried to concentrate on my work down in the library. I had laid out the salt, I had lit the candles, and I felt like I had been chanting for hours but to no avail. I wasnt breaking through. My shadow friends seemed hesitant to meet me. It was almost as if they were afraid-of something or somebody. I went upstairs to scry, and there I had my vision. A Seeker, coming here. I had a vague sense of youth, of emotional turmoil. Whoever this Seeker is, I do not fear him. He has his own troubles. He will not sway me from my life's work.

On Wednesday, I made an amazing breakthrough. I have developed a host of friends in the shadow world-many of them fellow Rowanwands who see the value of my research and are eager to help. One of these friends, an older man who will only give the name Bearnard, brought to me a new and eager associate, a woman who calls herself Maible and who brought with her a wealth of knowledge. Never before have I come across anyone-in the living world or the shadow world- who has such an extensive knowledge of true names as this woman. From her I obtained nearly twenty true names that day, and she has promised to return with more knowledge, more names. Oh, Goddess, I have only gratitude for this generous woman and her love of knowledge. I wish that I had known her while she was among the living, what a remarkable team we would have made.

The Seeker is coming, and once he arrives, I will not be able to continue my research until he is gone. Goddess, give me the courage to remember my objectives and the intelligence to prevent this Seeker from truly learning what I seek. If only Maible could give me the true name of this Seeker then he would stand no chance against me.

 J.C.

On Sunday, I woke up to find my fathers bed empty. Hell! I had been right: it was like living with a junkie, and I always had to be on alert in case he tried to score. I immediately threw on some clothes, feeling a mixture of anger, a reluctant empathy, and a tight impatience.

It was amazing what desperation could lead a man to do, I thought twenty minutes later. My father was so weak that a trip to the grocery store could exhaust him for hours, but here, in his overwhelming desire to reach his bith dearc, he was able to trudge for miles through a Canadian forest in winter.

As I neared the place of darkness, feeling the familiar senses of nausea and fear, I wondered bleakly what I was going to do with my fatherlet him kill himself? Try to save him? Steeling myself, drawing on any strength I had, I ducked into the low opening of the hut and found my father, his face lighting with ecstasy. As my eyes focused, I felt my mothers spirit take shape above the glowing opening into the shadow world. Daniel looked up, joy making him seem twenty years younger. He reached out his hands to her ethereal form.

I crept close, awed by my mothers presence as I had been the first time. Kneeling by Daniel, I couldnt help allowing myself to enjoy the feel of her presence, which would be all I could have until I joined her one day in the shadow world.

Daniel, Mum said, Im telling you that you must stop this. You must remain among the living. It is not your time. Her voice sounded more firm, and I was glad. If she had been truly needy or welcoming, Da would have been dead a month ago.

I dont know how, Fi, Da answered, shaking his head. I only know how to be with you.

That isnt true, my mother said. You had a lifetime of other people before me. I felt a warmth from her directed at me, almost like a smile, and I smiled back, though I was feeling queasy and weakened by the bith dearc.

I dont want other people, Da said stubbornly.

You will learn to want other people, Mum said firmly, taking on a tone that was so familiar to methe one she took when one of us kids had persisted too long in lame excuses for a wrongdoing. Now Im telling you, Daniel, you must not call me back again. You are hurting me. My spirit must move on. Youre not letting that happen. Do you want to hurt me?

Goddess, Fiona, no! said my father, looking appalled.

My mothers voice softened. Daniel, you were the strong one in our marriage. You kept us going when I would have given up. It was your strength I relied on. I need to rely on that strength now. You must be strong enough not to call me back, to stay with the living. Do you understand?

Da looked at the ground, seeming lost, bereft. Finally he gave a broken nod and covered his face with his hands.

Once again I felt the warmth from my mother, but tinged with sadnessa sadness borne of understanding and empathy. She knew how much my father was suffering; she knew how much I had suffered. She loved us both with all her heart, and in return I felt an intense love for her, the mother I had lost.

Silently Fionas spirit brushed a shadowy kiss across us both, and floated through the bith dearc. As soon as she was gone, my father collapsed on his side on the ground. I sagged myself, hating the feeling of weakness and sickness that pulled me down. But I struggled to sit up and quickly performed the rite that would shut the bith dearc down. When the last of it had faded and I could see solid, frozen ground again, I sat back, trying not to throw up.

As soon as I could, I got Da out of there, and again we sank down outside in the snow, too weak to move. Ten minutes later I felt together enough to call to my da, who was lying, gray-faced, on the ground a few feet away from me.

I cant believe you! I said, letting fly with my frustration. Could you possibly be more stupid, more self-destructive? Could you be a little more selfish?

Das eyes fluttered open, and he sat up slowly, with difficulty. If he had been the old da, he would have come over and backhanded me. But this da was weak, in mind, body, and spirit.

Why are you choosing death over being with your live children? I went on, feeling my anger ignite. Im the only son you have left! Alwyns the only daughter youll ever have! You dont think you should stick around for our sakes? Not only that, but youre deliberately hurting Mum. Every time you contact her, every time you draw her to the bith dearc, youre slowing down her spirits progress. She needs to move on. She must go on to the next phase of her existence. But you dont give a bloody flip! Because you can only think about yourself!

Das eyes were focused intently on me now, and his ashen cheeks were splotched pale red with anger. Ive tried to resist he began, but I cut him off.

You havent tried bloody hard enough! I shouted, getting to my feet. My stomach roiled, but I stood, looming over him like a bully. You just keep giving in! Is that what you want to teach me, your son? You want to teach me how to give in, give up, think only about myself? Thats what youre showing me. You never would have been this way eleven years ago. Back then you were a real father. Back then you were a real witch. Now look at you, I concluded bitterly. I could count on one hand the number of times I had been this hateful, this mean to someone I cared about. I hated the words coming out of my mouth but couldnt stop them once I started.

You have no idea how hard it is, my father said, his voice scraped raw.

I snorted and paced around the spent fire in the middle of the log benches. I felt ill, exhausted; I needed to get out of there. I knew I had to bring Da back to the cabin, but I had to talk myself out of leaving him there to freeze. Minutes passed, and I wondered what the hell I was going to do with myself. Everything in my life right now was miserable. The only person who could make me feel at all better wasnt here, and I couldnt seem to reach her. Bloody hell, why did I ever come here?

At last, after a long time, Da said, Youre right. He sounded impossibly old and broken down.

I looked over at him, and he went on, struggling to find the words.

Youre right. Im being selfish, thinking only of myself. Your mother would have been stronger. She should have been the one to live.

My eyes narrowed as I readied to nip his self-pity in the bud.

But it was me who lived, and Im making a hash of it, arent I, lad? He gave a crooked, fleeting smile, then looked away. Its justI cant let her go, son. She was my life. I gave up my firstborn son for her.

I gave a short nod. Cal.

And then, he went on, for the past eleven years its been only me and Fiona, Fiona and me, everywhere we went, every day. We were alone; we didnt dare make friends; we went for months without seeing another human, much less another witch. I dont even know how to be with other people anymore.

I looked away and let out a long breath. When Da sounded like this, somewhat rational, somewhat familiar, it was impossible to hold on to my anger. Mum had reminded me that he was just a man, in mourning for his wife, and I needed to cut him a huge swath of slack.

I raised my hands and let them fall. Da, you could learn how

Maybe I could, he said. I guess Ill have to. But right now theres no way I can give up the bith dearc, no way I can give up Fiona. The only thing that will stop me is to be stripped of my powers. If I have no power, I cant make a bith dearc; I wont be able to. So thats what I need from you. Youre a Seeker; you know how. Take my powers from me, and save me from myself.

My eyebrows rose, and I searched his eyes, hoping to find any trace of sanity left. Was he joking about such a terrible thing? Have you ever seen anyone stripped of their powers?I asked. Do you have any idea how incredibly horrible it is, how painful, how you feel as though your very soul has been ripped from you?

It would be better than this! Da said, his voice stronger. Better than this half existence. Its the only way. As long as I have power, Ill be drawn to the bith dearc.

Thats not true! I said, pacing again. Its been only two months. You need more time to healanyone would. We just need to come up with a plan, thats all. We need to think.

He made no answer but allowed me to pull him to his feet. It took almost forty minutes for us to get back to the cabin, with our slow, awkward pace. Inside, I stoked up a fire. A dense chill permeated my bones, and I felt like I would never get rid of it. Keeping my coat on, I lowered myself to the couch. Da was sitting, small and gray and crumpled, in his chair. I felt exhausted, ill, near tears. Frustrated, pained, joyful at seeing my mother. Horrified and shocked at my fathers demand that I strip him of his powers. I had too many emotions inside me. Too many to name, too many to express. I was so overwhelmed that I felt numb. Where to start? All at once I felt like a nineteen-year-old kidnot like a mighty Seeker, not like the older, more experienced witch that Morgan saw me as. Not like an equal, like Alyce felt. Just a kid, without any answers.

Finally I just started talking, my head resting against the back of the couch, my eyes closed. Mum was right, you know, I said without accusation. His request that I strip him of his powers had blown my anger apart. I understand how you felt about her, I really do. She was your mùirn beatha dàn, your other half. You only get the one, and now shes gone. But you were a whole person before you met Mum, and you can be a whole person now that shes gone.

My father kept silent.

I dont know how I would feel if I lost my mùirn beatha dàn, I said, thinking of Morgan, the unbelievable horror of Morgan being dead. I cant really say if I would have the strength to behave any differently. I just dont know. But surely you can see how this is going down the dark path. Ignoring life in favor of death isnt something you would have taught us kids. This is the path that killed Linden. But two of your children are still alive, and we need you. Looking at him, I saw his shoulders shake, perhaps with just exhaustion.

I made up my mind. The council wanted me to head west, to go interview Justine Courceau. I decided to take Da with me, whether he wanted to go or not. Mum was right if Da stayed here, he would keep using the bith dearc and eventually kill himself. It wasnt a great plan, a long-term fix, but it was all I had.

Standing up, I went and threw clothes for both of us into a duffel. Da didnt look up, showed no interest. I made tea, packed some food and drinks for the three-hour drive, and loaded the car. Then I knelt by his chair, looking up at him.

Da. I need to go west for a few days on council business. Youre going with me, I said.

No, he weakly, not looking up. Thats impossible. I need to rest. Im staying here.

Sorrycant let you do that. Youll end up killing yourself. Youre coming with me.

In the old days, Da could have lifted me up and thrown me like a sack of potatoes. These days, I was the strong one. In the end, pathetically, he didnt have much choice.

Half an hour later he was buckled into the front seat next to me, his mouth set in a defeated line, his hands twitching at the knees of his corduroys, as if waiting for the day when he would be strong enough to fasten them around my neck. I had no idea whether that day would ever come, whether my da would ever resemble the father I had known before. All I knew was that we were headed for Foxton, a small town in Ontario, and after my job there was doneI didnt know what I was going to do.

Justine Courceau lived at the very edge of the Quebec-Ontario province border. I endured three and a half hours of stony silence on the way. Fortunately the scenery was incredible: rocky, hilly, full of small rivers and lakes. In springtime it would be stunning, but here, at the tail end of winter, it still had a striking and imposing beauty.

The small town Kennet had directed me to, Foxton, had one bed-and-breakfast. First I got Da and me settled there and brought up our lone duffel. Da seemed completely spent, his face cloud-colored, his hands shaky, and he seemed relieved enough to curl up on one of the twin beds in our room. I felt both guilty and angry about his misery. Since he seemed dead asleep, I performed a few quick healing spells, not knowing whether they were strong enough to have any effect on a man in my das condition. Then I put a watch sigil on one of his shoes, figuring he couldnt go anywhere without it and that he would be less likely to feel it than if it was on his body. This way I could stay in contact with him, be more or less aware of what he was doing, be aware if he tried to do something stupid, like harm himself. Then I grabbed my coat and car keys and locked the door behind me. Regretting it, I spelled the door so it would be hard for him to get out. In any other circumstance, such a thing would be unthinkable, but I didnt trust Da to be making the best decisions right now.

This was never how Id thought Id be using my magick. It left a bad taste in my mouth.

Kennet had told me Justine Courceau was a Rowanwand, and I had to deliberately put aside my personal feelings about the clan before I got to her house. Frankly, Ive often found Rowanwands to be rather full of themselves. They make such a production of their dedication to good, of their fight against dark, evil Woodbanes. It just seems a bit much.

Kennet had been able to give me very accurate directions, and, barely twenty minutes after I had left Da, I was bumping down a long driveway bordered on both sides with hardwoods: oaks, maples, hickories. It was a pretty spot, and again I imagined how it would look in springtime. I hoped I wouldnt be here to see it.

After about a quarter mile, the driveway stopped in front of a cottage that to my eyes screamed witch. It was small, picturesque, and made of local stone. Surrounding it was the winter version of a garden that must, in summer, be astounding. Even now, dormant and dusted with snow, it was well tended, tidy, pleasing.

Назад Дальше