Book of Shadows - Кейт Тирнан 3 стр.

I stood still and silent in the aisle of Practical Magick, overwhelmed by a strange sense of longing. I longed for Cal, and I longed for this. These books and these smells and these things. New emotionspassion; yearning; gnawing, inexplicable curiositywere waking up inside me, and it was thrilling and threatening at the same time. One part of me wished they would go back to sleep.

I looked up to try to explain some of it to Bree, but now she was bent intently over the jewelry case, and I had no idea how to put my feelings into words.

As I was gazing blankly at the labels on the packets of incense, I felt a slight prickling on the back of my neck. I looked up and was startled by the intent gaze the store clerk had fastened on me.

The clerk was an older guy, maybe in his early thirties, but with short gray hair that made him appear older than he probably was. And he was looking at me with a focused, un-moving stare, as if I were a new kind of reptile, something incredibly interesting.

Most guys don't look at me that way. For one thing, I'm usually with either Bree or Mary K. Bree is straight-up gorgeous, and Mary K. is totally cute. I'd heard that a guy in my class, Bakker Blackburn, was thinking about asking her out. Already Mom and Dad had started instituting rules about dating and going steady and all that stuffrules they hadn't needed to worry about with me.

I turned my back to the clerk. Had he mistaken me for someone he knew? Finally Bree came up and tapped me on the shoulder.

"Find anything interesting?"

"Yeah, this," I said, pointing to a package of incense called Love Me Tonight.

Bree smiled."Ooh, baby."

Laughing, we headed for the bookshelves and started readying titles. There was a whole shelf of books labeled Books of Shadows. One by one I opened them, and they were all completely blank, like journals. Some were like cheap notebooks; some were fancier, with marbled endpapers and deckle-edged leaves; and some were bound in gold-stamped leather, oversized and heavy. I felt sudden distaste for the girlish, pink vinyl-covered journal I'd been keeping since ninth grade.

Fifteen minutes later Bree had chosen a couple of Wiccan reference books, and I had settled on one about a woman who had suddenly discovered Wicca when she was in her thirties and how it had changed her life. It seemed to explain Wicca in a personal way. The books were kind of expensive, and I don't have Bree's access to parental credit, so I was was getting only one.

We headed to the counter.

"This it for you?" the store clerk asked Bree.

"Uh-huh." Bree dug in her purse for her wallet "We can swap books when we're finished," she said to me.

"Good idea," I said.

"Do you have everything you need for Samhain?" the clerk asked.

"Samhain?" Bree looked up.

"One of the biggest Wiccan festivals," the clerk said and pointed to a poster tacked to the wall with rusty thumbtacks. It depicted a large purple wheel. At the top it said The Witches' Sabbats. At eight points around the wheel were the names of Wiccan celebrations and their dates. Mabon appeared at nine o'clock on the wheel. At about ten-thirty was the word Samhain, October 31. My eyes scanned the wheel, fascinated. Yule, Imbolc, Ostara, Beltane, Litha, Lammas, Mabon, Samhain. The very words were strange and also somehow familiar and poetic sounding to me.

Tapping it with his finger, the clerk said, "Get your black and orange candles now."

"Oh, right," Bree said, nodding.

"If you need more information, there are a couple of great books about our festivals, sabbats, and esbats," said the clerk. He was speaking to Bree but looking at me. I was dying for the books but didn't have enough money with me.

"Hang onlet me get them." Bree followed him back to the bookshelves to get the ones he recommended.

I heard a lightbulb flickering overhead and felt the spiral of incense smoke rising above its little stand. As I stood there, it seemed as if everything around me was actually vibrating, almost as if it was full of energy, like a beehive. I blinked and shook my head. My hair suddenly felt heavy. I wished Cal were there.

The clerk returned while Bree continued browsing. He stared at me. The silence was so awkward I broke it. "Why is magic spelled with a K here?" I heard myself asking him.

"To distinguish it from illusionary magic," he responded, as though it was very strange of me not to know this.

He went right back to his silent stare. "What's your name?" he finally asked me in a soft voice.

I looked at him."Um, Morgan. Why?"

"I mean, who are you?" Though soft, the soft voice was quietly insistent.

Who am I? I frowned at him. What did he want me to say? "I'm a junior at Widow's Vale," I offered awkwardly.

The clerk looked puzzled, as if he were asking me a question in English and I was insisting on answering in Spanish.

Bree came back, holding a book called Sabbats: Past and Present, by Sarah Morningstar.

"I'll get this, too," she said, sliding it onto the counter. The clerk silently rang it up.

Then, as Bree took her paper bag, he said to me, "You might be interested in one of our history books." He reached for it beneath the worn wooden counter.

It's black, I thought, and he pulled out a black-covered paperback. Its title was The Seven Great Clans: Origins of Witchcraft Examined.

I stared at the book, tempted to blurt out, "That's mine!" But of course it wasn't mineI had never seen it before. I wondered why it seemed so familiar.

"It's practically required reading," the clerk said, looking at me. "It's important to know about blood witches," he went on. "You never know when you might meet one."

I nodded quickly. "I'll take it," I said, and fished out my wallet. Buying it cleaned me out entirely.

When I had bought my books, we took our bags and stepped again into the sunny day. Bree slipped on her sunglasses and instantly looked like a celebrity going incognito.

"What a cool place, huh?"

"Very cool," I said, though for me that didn't express even a tiny part of the emotions storming in my chest.

CHAPTER 7 Metamorphosis

I can't stop thinking about Practical Magick and the strange mixture of fear and familiarity I felt there. Why did the names of the esbats and festivals feel like deeply buried memories? I never gave much thought to the possibility of past lives, but now, who knows?

"Morgan! Mary K.!" my mom called from downstairs. "Eileen's here!"

I rolled off my bed, marked my place in the book, and put it on my desk next to Bar journal, trying to pull myself back to the regular world. I was blown away by what I had been readingabout Wicca's roots in pre-Christian Europe thousands and thousands of years ago.

My brain still felt glazed as I padded downstairs in my socks just as my dad came in the front door with bags of food from Kabob Palace, Widow's Vale's only Middle Eastern restaurant. The smell of falafel and hummus started bringing me back to my senses.

I went into the living room, where the rest of the group was already gathered.

"Hi, Aunt Eileen," I said, and hugged her hello.

"Hi, sweetie," she said. "I'd like you to meet my friend, Paula Steen."

Paula stood up as I turned toward her, a smile already on my face. The first impression I had was of animals, as if Paula were covered with animals. I stopped dead and blinked. I mean, I saw Paula: She was a bit taller than I am, with sandy hair down to her shoulders and wide, pale green eyes. But I also saw dogs and cats and birds and rabbits all around her. It was weird and scary, and I felt an instant of panic.

"Hi, Morgan," Paula said, her voice friendly. "Urn, are you okay?"

"I'm seeing animals," I said faintly, wondering if I should sit down and put my head between my knees.

Paula laughed. "I guess I can never quite get all the fur off," she said matter-of-factly. "I'm a vet," she explained, "and I just came from a Sunday clinic." She looked down at her skirt and jacket"! thought with enough masking tape, I might be presentable."

"Oh, you are!" I said, feeling stupid. "You look fine." I shook my head and blinked a couple of times, and all the weird afterimages were gone. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Maybe you're psychic," Paula suggested easily, as if she were suggesting that maybe I was a vegetarian or a Democrat.

"Or maybe she's just a weirdo," Mary K. said brightly, and I aimed a kick at her leg.

The doorbell rang, and I ran to get it.

"What's she like?" whispered Bree, stepping into the foyer.

"She's great I'm a freak," I whispered back as Bree hung her jacket on a peg.

"You can explain later," she said and followed me into the living room to meet Paula.

"Okay!" my mom announced a few minutes later. "Why don't you all come in and sit down? Food's ready."

Once we were seated and served, I thought back to what I had said. Why had I seen those images of animals? Why did I say anything?

In spite of my weirdness, dinner was great. I liked Paula right away. She was warm and funny and obviously crazy about Aunt Eileen. I was happy to have Bree there, talking to everyone and teasing Mary K. She felt like one of us, one of our family. Once she told me that she loves coming to our house for dinner because it feels like a real family. At her house it's usually just her and her dad. Or just her, eating alone.

As I was helping myself to more tabouli, I looked up and absently said, "Oh, Momit's Ms. Fiorello."

"What?" my mom asked, dipping her pita bread into some hummus. Just then the phone rang. Mom got up to answer it. She talked in the kitchen for a minute, then hung up and came to sit back down. She looked at me.

"It was Betty Fiorello," she said. "Had she told you she was going to call?"

I shook my head and applied myself to my tabouli.

Bree and Mary K. started humming the theme from The X-Files.

"She is psychic!" Aunt Eileen laughed. "Quick, who's going to win the play-offs for the World Series?"

I laughed self-consciously. "Sorry. Nothing's coming to me."

Dinner went on, and Mary K. teased me about my supernatural brain powers. A couple of times I felt my mother's eyes on me.

Maybe since I had been in the circle, since I had banished limitations, something inside me was opening up. I didn't know whether to feel glad or terrified. I wanted to talk to Bree about it, but she had to get home right after dinner.

"Bye, Mr. and Mrs. Rowlands," Bree said, putting on her jacket. "Thanks for dinnerit was great. Nice meeting you, Paula."

Later, after Aunt Eileen and Paula left, I went upstairs and did my calculus homework I called Bree, but she was watching a football game with her dad and said she'd talk to me the next day.

Around eleven I got a weird urge to call Cal and tell him what was going on with me. Luckily I realized how completely insane this was and let the urge pass. I fell asleep with my face against the pages of The Seven Great Clans.

"Welcome to Rowlands Airlines," I intoned on Monday morning as Mary K. slid into the car, trying to hold her cardboard tray level so the scrambled eggs didn't slide into her lap. "Please fasten your seat belts and keep your seat in its upright and locked position."

Mary K. giggled and took a bite of her sausage patty. "Looks like rain," she said, chewing.

"I hope it does rain so Mr. Herndon won't clean his stupid gutters," I said, steering with my knees so I could open a soda.

Mary K. paused, her eyes narrowed. "Urn, okaaay," she said in an exaggerated soothing tone. "I hope so, too." She continued chewing, giving me a sidelong glance. "Are we back to The X-Files again?"

I tried to laugh, but I was puzzled by my own words. The Herndons were an old couple who lived three houses down. I hardly ever thought about them.

"Maybe you're metamorphosing into a higher being," my sister suggested, opening a small carton of orange juice. She took a deep swig, then wiped her mouth on the back of her hand. Her straight, shiny, russet-colored hair swung in a perfect bell to her shoulders, and she looked pretty and feminine, like my mom.

"I'm already a superior being," I reminded her.

"I said higher, not superior," Mary K. said.

I took another drink and sighed, feeling my brain cells waking up. Another one of these and I would feel ready to face the day. Cal would be at school. Just the idea that I would see Cal soon, be able to talk to him, made me so pleasantly nervous that my hands tightened on the steering wheel.

"Um, Morgan?" Mary K.'s voice was tentative.

"Yeah?"

"Call me old-fashioned, but it's traditional to stop for red lights."

I snapped to attention, leaning forward, tensed to brake. Looking back quickly, I saw that I had just breezed through the intersection of St Mary's and Dimson, right through a red light. At this hour of the morning there was always traffic. It was amazing we hadn't gotten into an accidentno one had even honked.

"Jeez, Mare, I'm sorry," I said, clutching the steering wheel. "I was daydreaming. Sorry. I'll be more careful."

"That would be good," she said calmly. She scooped up the last of her scrambled eggs and shoved the tray into my car's trash bag.

We managed to get to school without my killing us, and I found a great parking spot practically right outside the building. Mary K. was immediately surrounded by a gaggle of friends who ran over to greet her. Mary K. had arrived: The party could begin.

I saw Bree and Robbie hanging out not by the stoners, not by the nerds, not by the cool kids, but in a completely new area around the old cement benches that face each other across the brick path by the east-side door. Raven was there, Jenna and Matt, Beth, Ethan, Alessandra,Todd, Suzanne, Sharon, and Cal. Everyone who had done the circle Saturday night. My heart started a slow, dull pound.

Before I got there, Chris walked up and spoke to Bree. Frowning, she headed off with him, talking intently as they walked away.

"Hey, Morgan," said Tamara, walking up to me. I glanced over at Cal. He was talking to Ethan.

"Hi," I said. "How was your weekend?"

"Okay. I called you on Sunday, but I guess you were at church. How was the circle? What happened after I left?"

I grinned. "It was really neat," I said. "We just made a circle and went around the fire. We talked about things we wanted to get rid of."

"Like pollution or what?" asked Tamara.

"Pollution!" I said. "That would have been a good one. I wish I'd thought of it. No, stuff like anger and fear. Ethan tried to banish his stepmother."

Tamara laughed, and Janice walked up and joined us.

"Hi," she said, pushing her glasses up on her delicate nose. "Listen, Tam, I have to go put a proof up on Dr. Gonzalez's board. Want to come?"

"Sure," said Tamara. "Coming, Morgan?"

"No, that's okay," I said. They walked off, and I headed over to the east-side benches.

"Hey, Morgan," Jenna said, sounding friendly.

"Hi," I said.

"We're talking about our next circle," Raven said. "That is, if you've recovered." Today Raven was wearing a boned maroon corset, a black skirt, black ankle boots, and a black velvet jacket Eye-catching.

I felt my cheeks heating up. "I'm recovered," I said, playing with the zipper of my hooded sweatshirt.

"It's not unusual for a sensitive person to have some kind of reaction to circles at first," said Cal in his low voice. The timbre of it fluttered in my chest"! did myself."

"Ooh, sensitive Morgan," said Todd.

"So when's our next circle?" asked Suzanne, flicking back her surfer-blond hair.

Cal looked at her evenly. "I'm afraid you're not invited to our next circle," he said.

Suzanne looked shocked. "What?" she said, forcing a laugh.

"No," Cal continued."Not you, nor Todd. Nor Alessandra."

The three of them stared at him, and I felt fiercely glad. I remembered how snide they had been on Saturday night. They were part of Bree's clique, and it was unthinkable that someone would stand up to them, would cut them out of something. I was enjoying it.

"What are you talking about?" Todd asked. "Didn't we do it right?" He sounded belligerent as if trying to cover up embarrassment.

"No," Cal said calmly. "You didn't do it right." He offered no other explanation, and we all stood there, waiting to see what would happen next.

"I don't believe this," said Alessandra.

"I know," Cal said. He sounded almost sympathetic.

Todd, Alessandra, and Suzanne looked at each other, at Cal, and at the rest of us. No one said anything or asked them to stay. It was very odd.

"Huh," said Todd. "I guess we know when we're not wanted. Come on, ladies." He offered his arms to Alessandra and Suzanne, and they had no choice but to take them. They looked humiliated and angry, but they had brought it on themselves.

Daringly, I gave Cal a look of thanks, and he kept his eyes locked on mine for several beats. I couldn't look away.

Suddenly Cal pushed himself off the bench he'd been leaning against and came to stand in front of me. "What do I have behind my back?" he asked.

My brow creased for a second, then I said, "An apple. Green and red." It was as if I had seen it in his hand.

He smiled, and his expressive, gold-colored eyes crinkled at the edges. He brought his hand from around his back and handed me a hard, greenish red apple, with a leaf still attached to its stem.

Feeling awkward and shy, aware of everyone's eyes on me, I took the apple and bit it, hoping juice wouldn't run down my chin.

"Good guess," Raven said, sounding irritated. It occurred to me that she was probably Jones for Cal big time.

"It wasn't a guess," Cal said softly, his eyes on me.

That afternoon when Mary K. and I got home, we found out that Mr. Herndon from down the street had fallen off a ladder while cleaning his gutters. He had broken his leg. Mary K. started calling me the Amazing Kreskin. I was so freaked out, I called Bree and asked if I could come over after dinner.

CHAPTER 8 Cal and Bree

There's a spark there. I wasn't wrong. I saw it again today. But she hasn't recognized it yet. I have to wait. She needs to be shown, but very carefully.

Bree answered the door. The night air was brisk, but I was comfy in my sweater.

"Come on in," she said. "Want something to drink? I've got coffee."

"Sounds good," I said, following her to the Warrens' huge, professional-style kitchen. Bree poured two tall mugs of coffee, then added milk and sugar.

"Your dad here?" I asked.

"Yep. Working," she said, stirring. "How unusual."

Mr. Warren is a lawyer. I don't get exactly what he does, but it's the kind of thing where he and a bunch of other lawyers defend big corporations from people who sue them. He makes tons of money but is hardly ever around, at least now that Bree's older.

Five years ago, when Bree was twelve and her brother Ty, was eighteen, Bree's mom took off and divorced Bree's dad. It was a huge scandal here in Widow's ValeMrs. Warren moving to Europe to be with her much younger boyfriend. Bree's only seen her mom once since then and hardly ever talks about her.

Upstairs, in Bree's large bedroom, I dove right in. "I think I'm losing my mind. Do you think the circle was dangerous or something?" I sat nervously upright in her tan suede beanbag chair.

"What are you talking about?" Bree asked, leaning back against the pillows of her double bed. "All we did was dance around in a circle. How could it be dangerous?"

So I told Bree about my newly discovered sixth sense and that it had started after Saturday night. In a rush I told her how I had felt sick Sunday and saw animals around Paula. How I knew about Cal's apple and Mr. Herndon. I reminded her about Mom's phone call.

Bree waved her hand. "Well, if that stuff was happening to me, I might be a little weirded out, too. But I have to tell youlistening to you talk about it, it seems like you might be kind of overreacting," she said gently. "I mean, you might have heard your mom mention the hymn numbers. We already talked about that. Then the phone callMs. Fiorello calls your mom all the time, right? God, she's called every time I've been at your house! I can't explain seeing the animals except maybe your subconscious picked up the scent of all the vet stuff somehow. And the other thingsmaybe it's just a bunch of weird coincidences all at the same time, so it adds up and freaks you out But I don't think you're going crazy." She grinned. "At least not yet."

I felt a little reassured.

"It's just that it's all at once," I explained, "and this whole Wicca thing. Have you been reading about it?"

"Uh-huh. So far I like it. It's all about women," Bree said, and laughed. "No wonder Cal is into it."

I smiled wryly. "Too bad for Justin Bartlett."

"Oh, Justin's dating someone from Seven Oaks," Bree said dismissively. "He can't hog Cal, too. Hey, remember all those Books of Shadows we saw at Practical Magick?"

"Uh-huh," I said.

"They're for witches," Bree said cheerfully. "Witches write down things in their Books of Shadows. Like a diary. They keep notes of spells and stuff they try. Isn't that cool?"

"Yeah," I agreed. "Do you think local witches go there to buy them?"

"Sure," said Bree.

I drank the coffee, hoping it wouldn't keep me up. "Do you think Cal keeps a Book of Shadows?" I asked. "With notes about our circles?" I was leading up to telling Bree about my feelings for Cal, but I was self-conscious. This was bigger and harder to explain than any shallow crush I'd ever had. And even though Bree had named it so casually in Practical Magick, she didn't know how much I liked Cal, how deep my feelings were.

"Ooh, I bet he does," Bree said with interest. "I'd love to see it. I can't wait for our next circleI already know what I'm going to wear."

I laughed. "And how does Chris feel about this?"

Bree looked solemn for a moment. "It doesn't really matter. I'm going to break up with him."

"Really? That's too bad. You guys had so much fun over the summer." I felt a nervous flutter in my stomach and shifted back in the beanbag chair.

"Yeah, but number one, he's started being a jerk, bossing me around. I mean, screw that."

I nodded in agreement. "Number two?"

"He hates all this Wicca stuff, and I think it's cool. If he isn't going to be supportive of my interests, then who needs him?"

"Too true," I said, looking forward to having her around to hang out with more often, at least until she found his replacement.

"And number three" she said, twining her short hair around one finger.

"What?" I smiled and drained the last of my coffee.

"I'm totally and completely crazy about Cal Blaire," Bree announced.

For several long moments I sat there, encased by the beanbag. My face was frozen, and so was the breath in my lungs. So much for being the Amazing Kreskin. Why hadn't I seen this coming?

Slowly, slowly, I released my breath. Slowly I drew it in again. "Cal?" I asked, trying to sound calm. "Is that why you want to break up with Chris?"

"No, I told youChris is being as ass. I'd break up with him anyway," Bree said, her dark eyes shining in her beautiful face.

Inside my brain, nerve impulses were misfiring frantically, but a new thought managed to formulate. "Is that why you like Wicca?" I asked. "Because of Cal?"

"No, not really," Bree said thoughtfully, looking up at the paisly fabric on her bed's canopy. "I think i'd like Wicca even without Cal. But I'm justfalling for him in a big way. I want to be with him. And if we have this huge thing in common"

She shrugged. "Maybe it'll help us get together."

I opened my mouth, fearing that a thousand mean, angry, jealous, awful words were about to fly out. I shut it with a snap. So many pained thoughts were swirling in my head that I didn't know where to start. Was I hurt? Angry? Spiteful? This was Bree. My best firiend for parcatically my whole life. We had both hated boys in fourth grade. We had both gotten our periods in sixth grade. We'd both had crushes to eternal secrecy in ninth.

And now Bree was telling me she was crazy about the only guy I'd ever felt serious about. The only guy I'd ever wanted, even if I knew I couldn't have him.

I should have predicted it. My own feelings had blinded me. Cal is unmistakably gorgeous, and Bree falls in love easily. Obviously Bree would be attracted to him. Obviously Chris would be no competition for a guy like Cal.

Bree was so perfect. So was Cal. They would be awesome together. I felt like I was going to throw up.

"Hmmm," I murmured, my mind racing hysterically. I tried to take a sip from my empty mug. Cal and Bree. Cal and Bree.

"You don't approve?" she asked with raised eyebrows.

"Approve, disapprove, what does it matter?" I said, trying to hold my face in some normal position. "It just seems like he's gone out with a couple of different people already. And I think Raven's trying to get her claws into him, too. I don't want you to get hurt," I heard myself babbling.

Bree smiled at me. "Don't worry about me. I think I can handle him. In fact, I want to handle him," she joked."AII over'

The forced smile froze on my face. "Well, good luck."

"Thanks," Bree said. "I'll let you know what happens."

"Uh-huh. Um, thanks for listening to me," I said, getting to my feet. "I better get home. See you tomorrow."

I walked out of Bree's room, her house, stiffly and carefully, as if I were trying not to jostle a wound.

I started Das Boot's engine, then realized that chilly tears were sliding down my cheeks. Bree and Cal! Oh God. I would never, ever be with him, and she would. It was a physical pain inside my chest and I cried all the way home.

CHAPTER 9 Thirsty

Am I losing my mind? I'm changing, changing inside. My mind is expanded. I'm seeing in color now instead of black and white. My universe is moving outward at the speed of light. I'm scared.

The next day I woke early after thrashing unhappily all night. I'd had horribly vivid, realistic dreams, mostly featuring Caland Bree. I had kicked off my covers and was freezing now, so I grabbed them and burrowed under again, scared to go hack to sleep.

Lying in bed, I watched my windows as they gradually grew lighter. I almost never saw this time of morning, and my parents were right: There was something magical about it. By six-thirty my parents were up. It was comforting to hear them moving in the kitchen, making coffee, shaking cereal into bowls. At seven Mary K. was in the shower.

I lay on my side and thought about things. Common sense told me Bree had much more of a chance with Cal than I did. I had no chance. I wasn't in Cal's league, and Bree was. Did I want Bree to be happy? Could I sort of live vicariously through Bree if she went out with Cal?

I groaned. How sick is that? I asked myself.

Was I ok with Bree and Cal going out? No. I would rather eat rats. But if I wasn't okay with it and they did get together (and there was no reason to assume they wouldn't), then it would mean losing Bree's friendship. And probably looking pretty stupid.

By the time my alarm went off for school, I had decided to perform the supreme sacrifice and never let Bree know how I felt about Cal, no matter what happened.

"Some people are coming over to my house on Saturday night," Cal said. "I thought we could do a circle again. It's not a holiday or anything. But it'd be cool for us to get together!"

He was hunkered down in front of me, one tanned knee showing through the rip in his faded jeans. My butt was cold as I sat on the school's concrete steps, waiting for the classroom to open up for the math club meeting. As if in recognition of Mabon, last week's autumnal equinox, the air had suddenly acquired a deeper chill.