Obviously I knew I'd brought you back, but I wasn't sure for how long. I wasn't Sure I'd actually turned you until I saw you in the canyon just now-"
"You were watching me in the canyon?" I stare at him incredulously.
He nods.
"You mean you were there?"
"No, I was watching you remotely." He rubs his jaw. "It's a lot to explain."
"So let me get this straight. You were watching me, remotely, but still, you could see everything going on, and yet you didn't try to save mer" And when I say it out loud I'm so mad I can barely breathe.
He shakes his head. "Not until you wanted to be saved.
That's when I made the veil appear, and urged you to move toward it."
"You mean you were going to let me die?" I scoot away from him, not wanting to be anywhere near him.
He looks at me, his face completely serious when he says, "If that's what you wanted, then yes." He shakes his head. "Ever, the last time we spoke, in the parking lot, you said you hated me for what I had done, for being selfish, for separating you from your family; for bringing you back. And even though your words really stung, I knew you were right. I had no business interfering. But then, in the canyon, when you filled yourself with such love, well, that love is what saved you, restored you, and it's then that I knew;"
But what about the hospital? Why couldn't I restore myself then?
Why did I have to suffer through all of the casts, and cuts, and contusions? Why couldn't I just-regenerate, like I did in the canyon? I think, folding my arms across my chest, not fully buying it.
"Only love heals. Anger, guilt, and fear can only destroy and separate you from your true capabilities." He no~s, his eyes grazing over me.
"And that's another thing." I glare at him. "Your ability to read my mind, when I can't read yours. It's not fair."
He laughs. "Do you really want to read my mind? I thought my air of mystery was one of the things you liked about me?"
I gaze down at my knees, my cheeks burning as I think of all the embarrassing thoughts he's been privy to.
"There are ways to shield yourself, you know Maybe you should go see Ava."
"You know Ava?" I gape, feeling suddenly ganged up on.
He shakes his head. "My only connection to Ava is through you, your thoughts about Ava."
I look away, watching a family of bunnies hop by, then back at him. "So the racetrack?"
"Premonition, you did it too." "What about the race you lost?"
He laughs. "I have to lose a few; otherwise people tend to get suspicious. But I certainly made up for it, don't you think?"
"And the tulips?"
He smiles. "Manifesting. Same way you made the elephant, and this beach. It's simple quantum physics. Consciousness brings matter into being where there was once merely energy. Not nearly as difficult as people choose to think."
I squint, not really getting it. No mater how simple he thinks it is.
"We create our Own reality. And yes you can do it at home," he says, anticipating my next question, the one that just formed in my head. "In' fact, you already do, you're just not aware of it because it takes so much longer."
"It doesn't take longer for you."
He laughs. "I've been around awhile, plenty of time to learn a few tricks."
''How long?" I ask, gazing at him, remembering that room in his house and wondering exactly what I'm dealing with.
He sighs and looks away. 'Very long." "And now I'll live forever too?"
"That's up to you." He shrugs. "You don't have to do any of this. You can simply put the whole thing out of your mind and go on with your life. Choosing to let go when the time is right. I only provided the ability, but the choice is still yours."
I stare out at the ocean, its sparkling waters so brilliant, so beautiful, I can hardly believe it exists because of me. And even though it's fun to play with such powerful magic, my thoughts soon turn to darker things. "I need to know what happened with Haven. That day I caught you " I grimace at the memory. ':And what about Orina?
She's immortal too, right? Did you make her that way? And how did this even begin?
How did you become immortal in the first place? How does such a thing even happen?
Oid you know she killed Evangeline, and almost killed Haven too? And what's up with your creepy room?"
"Can you repeat the question?" He laughs.
"Oh, and another thing, what the heck did Orina mean when she said she's killed me over and over again?"
"Orina said that?" His eyes go wide as his face drains of color. "Yeah." I nod, remembering her smug and haughty face as she broke the news. "She was all, 'Here we go again, stupid mortal, you always fall for this game, blah blah blah.' I thought you were watching, I thought you saw the whole thing?"
He shakes his head, mumbling. "I didn't see the whole thing, I tuned in late. Oh God, Ever, it's allmy fault, all of it. I should've known, I should've never gotten you involved, I should've left you alone-"
"She also said she saw you in New York. Or at least she told Haven that."
"She lied," he mumbles. "I didn't go to New York." And when he looks at me his eyes are etched with such pain, I reach for his hand and hold it in mine. Shaken by how sad and vulnerable he looks and wanting only to erase it. I press my lips against his waFm waiting mouth, hoping to convey that whatever it is, there's a pretty good chance I'll forgive him.
"The kiss gets sweeter with every incarnation." He sighs, pulling away and brushing my hair off my face. "Though we never seem to make it further tllan that. And now I know why." He presses his forehead to mine, infusing me with suchjoy, such allconsuming love, then sighing deeply before pulling away. "Aw, yes, your questions," he says, reading my mind. "Where to begin?"
'How about the beginning?"
He nods, his gaze drifting away, all the way back to the beginning, as I cross my legs and settle in. "My father was a dreamer, an artist, a dabbler in sciences and alchemy, a popular idea at the time-"
"Which time?" I ask, hungry for places, dates, things that can be nailed down and researched, not some philosophical litany of abstract ideas.
':A long time ago." He laughs. "I am a tad bit older t,han you."
"Yes, but how old exactly? I mean, what kind of age difference am I dealing with here?" I ask, watching incredulously as he shakes his head.
':All you need to know is that my father, along with his fellow alchemists, believed that everything could be reduced down to one Single element, and that if you could isolate that one element, then you could create anything from it. He worked on that theory for years, creating formulas, abandoning formulas, and then when he and my mother both died, I continued the search, until I finally perfected it."
':And how old were you?" I ask, trying again.
"Young." He shrugs. "Quite young." "So you can still age?"
He laughs. "Yes, I got to a certain point, and then I just stopped. I know you prefer the frozen in time vampire theory, but this is real life, Ever, not fantasy."
"Okay, so " I urge, anxious for more.
"So, my parents died, I was orphaned. You know; in Italy, where I'm from, last names often depicted a person's origins or profession. Esposito means orphan, or exposed. The name was given to me, though I dropped it a century or two ago, since it no longer fit."
"Why didn't you just use your real last name?"
"It's complicated. My father was hunted. So I thought it better to distance myself."
"And Drina?" I ask, my throat constricting at the mere mention of her name.
He nods. "Poverina-or, little poor one. We were wards of the church; that's where we met. And when she grew ill, I couldn't beano lose her, so I had her drink too."
"She said you were married." I press my lips together, my throat feeling hot and constricted, knowing she didn't actually say that, though it was definitely implied when she stated her name, her full name.
He squints and looks away, shaking his head and mumbling under his breath.
"Is it true?" I ask, my stomach in knots, my heart pressing hard against my chest.
He nods. "But it's hardly what you think, it happened so long ago it hardly matters anymore." . "So why didn't you get divorced? I mean, if it hardly matters," I say, my cheeks hot, my eyes stinging.
"So you're proposing I show up in court with a wedding certificate dating back several centuries, and ask for a divorce?"
I press my lips and look away, knowing he's right, but still. "Ever, please. You've got to cut me some slack. I'm not like you. You've only been around, well in this life anyway, seventeen years, while I've lived hundreds! More than enough time to make a few mistakes. And while there are certainly plenty of things to judge me on, I hardly think my relationship with Drina is one of them. Things were different back then. I was different. I was vain, superficial, and extremely materialistic. I was out for myself, taking all that I could. But the moment I met you everything changed, and when I lost you, well, I never knew such agonizing pain. But then later, when you reappeared-" He stops, his gaze far away. "Well, no sooner had I found you, than I lost you again. And so it went, over and over. An endless cycle of love and loss-until now"
"So, we reincarnate?" I say, the word sounding strange on my tongue.
"You do-not me." He shrugs. 'Tm always here, always the same."
"So, who was I?" I ask, not sure if I really believe it, yet fascinated with the concept.
"And why can't I remember?"
He smiles, happy to change the subject. "The journey back involves a trip down the River of Forgetfulness. You're not meant to remember, you're here to learn, to evolve, to payoff your karmic debts. Each time starting fresh, forced to find your own way.
Because, Ever, life is not meant to be an open book test."
"Then aren't you cheating, by staying here?" I say, smirking at Mr. Let Me Tell You How the World.Works.
He cringes. "Some might say."
"And how can you possibly know all of this if you've never done it yourself?"
'Tve had plenty of years to study life's greatest mysteries.
And I've met some amazing teachers along the way. All you need to know about your other selves is that you were always female." He smiles, tucking my hair behind my ear.
"Always very beautiful. And always important to me."
I stare at the sea, manifest a few waves just for the heck of it, then make it all go away.
Everything. All of it. Returning us to our outdoor living room.
"Change of scenery?" He smiles.
"Yes, but only the scenery, not the subject."
He sighs. "So after years of searching I found you again-and you know the rest."
I take a deep breath and stare at the lamp, clicking it off and on, on and off with my mind, trying to get a grip on all this.
"I broke off with Drina a long time ago, but she has this awful habit of reappearing.
And the night at the St. Regis? When you saw us together? I was trying to convince her to move on, once and for all. Though obviously, it didn't quite work. And yes, I know she killed Evangeline, because that day at the beach, when you woke up alone?"
I narrow my eyes, thinking: I knew it! I knew he wasn't sutfing! 'T d just found her body, but it was too late to save her. And yes, I know about Haven too, though luckily, I was able to save her."
"So that's where you were that night-when you said you were getting a drink of water "
He nods.
"So what else have you lied about?" I ask, folding my arms across my chest. 'And where'd you go Halloween night, after you left my party?"
"I went home," he says, gazing at me intently. "When I saw the way Drina looked at you, well, I though it better to distance myself. Only I couldn't. I tried. I've been trying all along. But I just couldn't do it. I can't stay away from you." He shakes his head. "And now you know everything. Though I think it's obvious why I couldn't be quite so forthcoming at the time."
I shrug and look away, not willing to give in so easily, even if it's true.
"Oh, and my 'creepy room' as you call it? Well, it just so happens to be my happy place. Not unlike the memory you hold of those last blissful moments in the car with your family." And when he looks at me, I avert my gaze, ashamed for having said it.
"Though I have to admit, I had a good laugh when I realized you thought I was a bloodsucker." He smiles.
"Oh, well excuse me. I mean since there are immortals running around, I figure we may as well bring on the faeries, wizards, werewolves, and-" I shake my head. "I mean jeez, you talk about all this like it's norma!!"
He closes his eyes and sighs. And when he opens them again he says, "For me it is normal. This is my life. And now it's your life too, if you choose it. It's not as bad as you think, Ever, really." He looks at me for a long time, and even though part of me still wants to hate him for making me this way, I just can't. And when I feel that overwhelmingly warm, tingly pull, I gaze down at the hand that he's holding and say, "Stop it."
"Stop what?" He looks at me, his eyes tired, the skin surrounding them tense and pale;
"Stop making that warm, tingly, you know. Just stop it!" I say, my mind torn between love and hate.
'Tm not making that, Ever." His eyes are on mine.
"Of course you are! You're making it happen with your whatever." I roll my eyes and fold my arms across my chest, wondering where we possibly go from here.
"I'm not manifesting that.. I swear. I'd never use trickery to seduceyou."
"Oh, yeah, like the tulips?"
He smiles. "You have no idea what they mean, do you?" I press my lips and look away.
"Flowers have meaning. There's nothing random about it."
I take a deep breath and rearrange the table with my mind, Wishing I could rearrange my mind instead.
"There's so much to teach you," he says. "Though it's not all fun and games. You need to take caution, proceed with care." He pauses and looks at me, making sure that I'm listening. "You have'to guard against the misuse of power; Drina's a good example of that. And you must be discreet-which means you can't share this with anyone, and I mean no one, understand?"
I just shrug, thinking: Whatever. Knowing he's read my thoughts when he shakes his head and leans toward me.
"Ever, I'm serious, you cannot tell a soul. Promise me." I look at him.
He raises his brow, his hand squeezing mine. "Scout's honor," I mumble, looking away.
He lets go of my hand and relaxes, leaning back against the cushions when he says, "But in the interest of full disclosure you need to know that there's still a way out. You can still cross over. In fact, you could've died right there in the canyon, but instead, you chose to stay."
"But I was prepared to die, I wanted to die."
"You empowered yourself with your memories. You empowered yourself with love.
It's like I said earlier-thoughts create. And in your case, they created healing and strength.
If you really wanted to die you would've simply given up. On some deeper level you must've known this."
And just when I'm about to ask him why he was sneaking into my room while I slept, he says, "It's not what you think."
"Then what was it?" I ask, wondering if I really want to know:
"I was there to observe. I was surprised you could see me, I was transmuted, so to speak."
I wrap my arms around my knees and bring them close to my chest. Everything he just said went right over my head, but I get just enough of the gist to be sUitably creeped out.
He shrugs. "Ever, I feel responsible for you, and-"
"And you wanted to check out the goods?" I look at him, eyebrows raised.
But he just laughs. "May I remind you of your penchant for flannel pajamas?"
I roll my eyes. "So you feel responsible for me, like-like a dad?" I say, laughing as he cringes.
"No, not like a dad. But Ever, I was only in your room that one time, the night we saw each other at the St. Regis, if there were other times-"
"Drina." I cringe, picturing her creeping around my room, spying on me. ':Are you sure she can't come here?" I ask, glancing around.
He takes my hand and squeezes, wanting to reassure me when he says, "She doesn't even know it exists. Doesn't know how to get here. As far as she's concerned, you Simply vanished into thin air."
"But how'd you get here? Did you die once, like me?"
He shakes his head. "There are two types of alchemyphysical, which I stumbled upon because of my father, and spiritual, which I stumbled upon when I sensed something more, something bigger, something grander than me. I studied and practiced and worked hard to get here, even learned TM." He stops and looks at me. "Transcendental Meditation from Maharishi Mahesh Yogi." He smiles.
"Um, if you're trying to impress me, it's not really working, I have no idea what any of that means."
He shrugs. "Let's just say it took hundreds of years for me to translate it from the mental to the physical. But you-from the moment you wandered into the field, you were granted a sort of backstage pass, your visions and telepathy are by-products of that."
"God, no wonder you hate high school," I say, wanting to change the subject to something concrete, something I can actually urtderstand. "I mean, you must've finished like, a gazillion, bazillion years ago, right?" And when he winces, I realize his age is a serious sore spot, which is actually pretty funny, considering how he chose to live forever. "I mean, why bother? Why even enrolI?"
"That's where you come in." He smiles.
"Oh, so you see some chick in baggy jeans and a hoodie, and you just have to have her so bad, you decide to repeat high school, just to get to her?"
"Sounds about right." He laughs.
"Couldn't you have found another way to ingratiate yourself into my life? It just doesn't make any sense." I shake my head and roll my eyes, getting worked up all over again, until he trails his fingers down the side of cheek and gazes into my eyes.
"Love never does."
I swallow hard, feeling shy, euphoric, and unsure all at once.
Then I clear my throat and say, "I thought you said you suck at love." I narrow my eyes on his, my stomach like a cold bitter marble, wondering why lean' t just be happy when the most gorgeous guy on the planet professes his love. Why do I insist on going all negative?
"I was hoping this time would be different/' he whispers.
I turn away, my breath coming in short, shallow gasps as I say, "I don't know if I'm up for all this. I don't know what to do."
He pulls me tight against his chest, his arms wrapped around me, as he says, "There's no rush to decide." And when I turn, he has this faraway look in his eyes.
"What's the matter?" I ask. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Because I suck at good-byes," he says, attempting a smile that never gets past his mouth. "See, now there's two things I suck at-love and good-byes."
"Maybe they're related." I press my lips together, warning myself not to cry. "So where you going?" I fight to keep my voice calm and neutral, even though my heart doesn't want to beat, and my breath doesn't want to come, and I feel like I'm dying inside.
He shrugs and looks away. "Are you coming back?"
"Up to you." Then he looks at me and says, "Ever, do you still hate me?"
I shake my head, but hold his gaze. "Do you love me?"
I turn my head and look away. Knowing I do, knowing I love him with every strand of hair, with every skin cell, with every drop of blood, that I'm bursting with love, boiling over, but Ijust can't bring myself to say it. But then again, if he can truly read my mind, then I shouldn't have to say it. He should just knovv.
"It's always nicer when it's spoken," he says, tucking my hair behind my ear, and pressing his lips to my cheek. "When you do decide, about me, about being immortal, just say the word and I'll be there. I have all of eternity laid out before me; you'll find r m quite patient." He smiles, then reaches into his pocket, retrieving the silver, crystale,ncrusted, horse-bit bracelet he bought me at the track. The one I returned when I threw it at him that day in the parking lot. "May It' he gestures.
I nod, my throat too constricted to speak, as he closes the clasp, then cradles my face between the palms of his hands. Brushing my bangs to the side, and pressing his lips to my scar, infusing me with all of the love and forgiveness I know I don't deserve. But when I try to pull away, he holds me that much tighter and says, "You have to forgive yourself, Ever. You're not responSible for any of it."
"What do you know?" I bite down on my lip.
"I know you blame yourself for something that's not your fault. I know you love your little sister with all of your heart and you ask yourself every day if you're doing the right thing by encouraging her visits. I know you, Ever. I know everything about you."
I turn away, my face wet with tears I don't want him to see. . "None of that's true. You've.got it all wrong. I'm a freak, and bad things happen to everyone I come near, even though I'm the one who deserves it." I shake my head, knowing I don't deserve to be happy, don't deserve this kind of love.
He pulls me into his arms, his touch calm and soothing, but unable to erase the truth.
"I have to go," he finally whispers. "But Ever, if you want to love me, if you truly want to be with me, then you'll have to accept what we are. I'll understand if you can't."
And then I kiss him, pressing into him, needing the feel of his lips against mine, basking in the wonderful, warm glow of his love, the moment growing and swelling and expanding until it fills every space, every nook, every cranny.
And when I open my eyes and pull away, I'm back in my room, all alone.
Thirty-Two
"So what happened? We looked everywhere and never found you.I thought you were on your way?"
I roll over, turning my back to the window and chiding myself for failing to craft an excuse, which puts me in the awkward position of winging it. "I was, but then-well, I kind of got cramps, and-"
"Stop right there," Miles says. "Seriously, say no more."
"Did I miss anything?" I ask, closing my eyes against the thoughts in his head, the words scrolling before me like a latebreaking news ribbon on CNN: Ew! Disgusting!
Why do they insist on talking about that stuff?
"Other than the fact that Drina never showed? Nope, not a thing. I spent the first part of the night helping Haven look for her, and the second part, trying to convince her she's better off with" out her. I swear, you'd think they were dating. Creepiest friendship ever, Ever! Hal Get it?" He loves making pun of my name.
I clutch my head and crawl out of bed, realizing it's the first morning in over a week that I've woken without a hangover. And even though I know that qualifies as a very good thing, that doesn't change the fact that I feel worse than ever.
"So what's going on? Care to indulge in a little Fashion Island Christmas shopping?"
"Can't. I'm still grounded," I say, pilfering through a pile of sweatshirts and pausing when I get to the one Damen bought me on our Disneyland date, before everything changed, before my life went from very weird to extraordinarily weird.
"How much longer?"
"No say." I drop the phone on my dresser and pull a lime green hoodie over my head, knowing it doesn't really matter how long Sabine grounds me, if I want to go out, I'll go out, I'll just make sure to return before she gets home. I mean, it's hard to contain a psychic. Though it does provide the perfect excuse to stay home, lay low; and avoid all that random energy, which is the only reason I'm going along with it.
I pick up the phone just in time to hear Miles say, "Okay, well, call me when you're released."
I step into some jeans, then sit down at my desk. And even though my head's pounding, my eyes are burning, and my hands are shaking, I'm determined to get through the day without the aid of alcohol, Damen, or illicit trips to the astral planes.
Wishing I'd been more insistent-demanded that Damen show me how to shield myself. I mean, why does the solution always seem to flow back to Ava?
Sabine tentatively knocks on my door and I turn as she steps into my room. Her face is pale and pinched, her eyes rimmed with red, and her aura has gone all spotty and gray.
And I cringe when I realize it's all because of Jeff, and the fact that she finally uncovered his mountain of lies. Lies I could've unveiled from the very beginning, sparing her all of this heartache, if only I hadn't put my needs before hers.
"Ever," she says, pausing by my bed. 'Tve been thinking.
Since I'm not really comfortable with this whole grounding business, and since you're almost an adult, I figure I may as well treat you like one so-"
So you're no longer grounded, I think, finishing the sentence in my head. But when I realize she still thinks my troubles are due to my grief, my face burns with shame.
"-you're no longer grounded." She smiles, a gesture of peace I do not deserve.
"Though I was wondering if you changed your mind about talking to someone, because
I know this therapistwho-"
I shake my head before she can finish, knowing she means well, though refusing any part of. it. And when she turns to leave, I surprise myself by saying, "Hey, you want to go out for dinner tonight?"
She hesitates in the doorway, clearly surprised by the offer. "My treat." I smile encouragingly, having no idea how I'll possiby get through a night in a big, crowded restaurant, but figuring I can use some of my racetrack money to cover the bill.
"That would be great," she says, tapping the wall with her knuckles before heading into the hall. 'Tll be home by seven."
The second I hear the front door close and the dead bolt click, into place, Riley taps on my shoulder and shouts, "Ever! Ever!
Can you see me?"
And I nearly jump out of my skin.
'Jeez, Riley, you scared the hell out of me! And why are you yelling?" I say, wondering why I'm acting so crabby, when the truth is, I'm overjoyed just to see her again.
She shakes her head and plops onto my bed. "For your information, I've been trying to get through to you for days. ~ thought you lost your ability to see me and I was totally starting to freak!"
"I did lose my ability. But only because I started drinkingheavily. And then I got expelled." I shake my head. "It was a mess."
"I know:" She nods, brows knit with concern. "I was watching the whole time, jumping up and down"in front of you, yelling and screaming and clapping my hands, anything to try to get through to you, but you were too whacked to see me. Remember that one time, when the bottle flew out of your hand?" She smiles and curtsies before me. "That was me. And you're lucky I didn't conk you over the head with it instead. So, what the heck happened?"
I shrug and gaze down at the ground, knowing I owe her an answer, a valid explanation to ease· her concern, but not sure where to begin. "Well, it's like, all that random energy just became so overwhelming, I couldn't take it anymore. And when I realized how alcohol shielded me from it, I guess I just wanted to keep that good feeling going, I didn't want to go back to the way I was before."
"And now?"
"And now-" I hesitate, looking at her. "And now I'm right back where I started.
Sober and miserable." I laugh.
"Ever-" She pauses, averting her gaze before looking at me.
"Please don't get mad, but I think you should go see Ava." And when I start to balk, she raises her hand and says, 'Just hear me out, okay? I really think she can help you. In fact I know she can help you. She's been trying to help you but you won't let her. But now, well, it's pretty clear that you're running out of options. I mean, you can either start drinking again, hide in your room for the rest of your life, or go see Ava. Pretty much a no-brainer, don't you think?"
I shake my head despite all the pounding, then I look at her and say, "Listen, I know you're all enamored with her, and fine, whatever, that's your choice. But she's got nothing for me, so please just-just give it a rest already, would you?"