Shadowland - Алисон Ноэль

Alyson NoelShadowland

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

 It takes a whole team of people to make a book happen, and Im incredibly lucky to work with such a great one!

Big, huge, sparkly thanks go to:

Bill Contardithe perfect blend of brains, heart, and sly sense of humorthe best dang agent an author could ask for!

Matthew Shear and Rose Hilliardpublisher and editor extra-ordinaireI couldnt have done it without them!

Anne Marie Tallberg and Brittany Kleinfelterthe brilliant brains behind the immortalsseries.com Web sitethanks for your creative ideas and much-needed tech support!

Katy Hershberger, who not only has great taste in music but happens to be a great publicist too!

The amazingly talented people in the art department, Angela Goddard and Jeanette Levy, who design the most beautiful, drool-worthy covers! Along with everyone else in sales and marketing and production and any other department Im sure Im forgettingthank you for all that you doyou guys rock!

Also, hugs and love to Sandy for being a constant source of inspiration, laughter, and funmy very own Damen Auguste!

And Id be completely remiss not to mention you, the readeryour messages, e-mails, letters, and artwork never fail to make my day. Thanks for being so incredibly awesome!

Fate is nothing but the deeds committed in a prior state of existence.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

CHAPTER 1

Everything is energy.

Damens dark eyes focus on mine, urging me to listen, really listen this time. Everything around us His arm sweeps before him, tracing a fading horizon thatll soon fade to black. Everything in this seemingly solid universe of ours isnt solid at allits energypure vibrating energy. And while our perception may convince us that things are either solid or liquid or gaseouson the quantum level its all just particles within particlesits all just energy.

I press my lips together and nod, his voice overpowered by the one in my head urging: Tell him! Tell him now! Quit stalling, and just get it over with! Hurry, before he starts talking again!

But I dont. I dont say a word. I just wait for him to continue so I can delay even further.

Raise your hand. He nods, palm out, moving toward mine. Lifting my arm slowly, cautiously, determined to avoid any and all physical contact when he says, Now tell me, what do you see?

I squint, unsure what hes after, then shrugging I say, Well, I see pale skin, long fingers, a freckle or two, nails in serious need of a manicure . . .

Exactly. He smiles, as though I just passed the worlds easiest test. But if you could see it as it really is, you wouldnt see that at all. Instead youd see a swarm of molecules containing protons, neutrons, electrons, and quarks. And within those tiny quarks, down to the most minuscule point, youd see nothing but pure vibrating energy moving at a speed slow enough that it appears solid and dense, and yet quickly enough that it cant be observed for what it truly is.

I narrow my eyes, not sure I believe it. Never mind the fact that hes been studying this stuff for hundreds of years.

Seriously, Ever. Nothing is separate. He leans toward me, fully warmed up to his subject now. Everything is one. Items that appear dense, like you and I, and this sand that were sitting on, are really just a mass of energy vibrating slowly enough to seem solid, while things like ghosts and spirits vibrate so quickly theyre nearly impossible for most humans to see.

I see Riley, I say, eager to remind him of all the time I used to spend with my ghostly sister. Or at least I used to, you know, before she crossed the bridge and moved on.

And thats exactly why you cant see her anymore. He nods. Her vibration is moving too fast. Though there are those who can see past all of that.

I gaze at the ocean before us, the swells rolling in, one after another. Endless, unceasing, immortallike us.

Now raise your hand again and bring it so close to mine we just nearly touch.

I hesitate, filling my palm with sand, unwilling to do it. Unlike him, I know the price, the dire consequences the slightest skin-on-skin contact can bring. Which is why Ive been avoiding his touch since last Friday. But when I peer at him again, his palm out, waiting for mine, I take a deep breath and lift my hand toogasping when he draws so close the space that divides is razor thin.

Feel that? He smiles. That tingle and heat? Thats our energy connecting. He moves his hand back and forth, manipulating the push and pull of the energy force field between us.

But if were all connected like you say, then why doesnt it all feel the same? I whisper, drawn by the undeniable magnetic stream that links us, causing the most wonderful warmth to course through my body.

We are all connected, all of us made of the same vibrating source. But while some energy leaves you cold and some leaves you lukewarm, the one that youre destined for? It feels just like this.

I close my eyes and turn, allowing the tears to stream down my cheeks, no longer able to keep them in check. Knowing Im barred from the feel of his skin, the touch of his lips, the solid warm comfort of his body on mine. This electric energy field that trembles between us is the closest Ill get, thanks to the horrible decision I made.

Science is just now catching up with what metaphysicians and the great spiritual teachers have known for centuries. Everything is energy. Everything is one.

I can hear the smile in his voice as he draws closer, eager to entwine his fingers with mine. But I move away quickly, catching his eye just long enough to see the look of hurt that crosses his facethe same look hes been giving me since I made him drink the antidote that returned him to life. Wondering why Im acting so quiet, so distant, so remoterefusing to touch him when just a few weeks before I couldnt get enough. Incorrectly assuming its because of his hurtful behaviorhis flirting with Stacia, his cruelty toward mewhen the truth is, it has nothing to do with that. He was under Romans spell, the entire school was. It wasnt his fault.

What he doesnt know is that while the antidote returned him to life, the moment I added my blood to the mix it also ensured we could never be together.

Never.

Ever.

For all of eternity.

Ever? he whispers, voice deep and sincere. But I cant look at him. Cant touch him. And I certainly cant utter the words he deserves to hear:

I messed upIm so sorryRoman tricked me, and I was desperate and dumb enough to fall for his ployAnd now theres no hope for us because if you kiss me, if we exchange our DNAyoull die

I cant do it. Im the worst kind of coward. Im pathetic and weak. And theres just no way I can find it within me.

Ever, please, what is it? he asks, alarmed by my tears. Youve been like this for days. Is it me? Is it something Ive done? Because you know I dont remember much of what happened, and the memories that are starting to surface, well, you must know by now that wasnt the real me. I would never intentionally hurt you. Id never harm you in any way.

I hug myself tightly, scrunching my shoulders and bowing my head. Wishing I could make myself smaller, so small he could no longer see me. Knowing his words are true, that hes incapable of hurting me, only I could do something so hurtful, so rash, so ridiculously impulsive. Only I could be stupid enough to fall for Romans bait. So eager to prove myself as Damens one true lovewanting to be the only one who could save himand now look at the mess that Ive made.

He moves toward me, sliding his arm around me, grasping my waist and pulling me near. But I cant risk the closeness, my tears are lethal now, and must be kept far from his skin.

I scramble to my feet and run toward the ocean, curling my toes at its edge and allowing the cold white froth to splash onto my shins. Wishing I could dive under its vastness and be carried by the tide. Anything to avoid saying the wordsanything to avoid telling my one true love, my eternal partner, my soul mate for the last four hundred years, that while he may have given me eternityIve brought us our end.

I remain like that, silent and still. Waiting for the sun to sink until I finally turn to face him. Taking in his dark shadowy outline, nearly indistinguishable from the night, and speaking past the sting in my throat when I mumble, Damen . . . baby . . . theres something I need to tell you.

CHAPTER 2

I kneel beside him, hands on my knees, toes buried in sand, wishing hed look at me, wishing hed speak. Even if its only to tell me what I already knowthat I made a grave and stupid mistakeone that will possibly never be erased. Id gladly accept itheck, I deserve it. What I cant stand is his absolute silence and faraway gaze.

And Im just about to say something, anything, to break this unbearable stillness, when he looks at me with eyes so weary theyre the perfect embodiment of his six hundred years. Roman. He sighs, shaking his head. I didnt recognize him, I had no idea His voice trails off along with his gaze.

Theres no way you couldve known, I say, eager to erase any guilt he might feel. You were under his spell from the very first day. Believe me, he had it all planned, made sure any memories were completely erased.

His eyes search my face studying me closely before he stands and turns away. Gazing out at the ocean, hands balled into fists as he says, Did he hurt you? Did he go after you or harm you in any way?

I shake my head. He didnt have to. It was enough to hurt me through you.

He turns, eyes growing darker as his features harden, inhaling deeply as he says, This is my fault.

I gape, wondering how he could possibly believe that after the case I just made. Rising to my feet and standing beside him as I cry, Dont be ridiculous! Of course its not your fault! Did you listen to anything I said? I shake my head. Roman poisoned your elixir and hypnotized you. You had nothing to do with it, you were just doing his biddingit was beyond your control!

But Ive barely finished when hes already dismissing it with a wave of his hand. Ever, dont you see? This isnt about Roman, or you, this is karma. This is retribution for six centuries of selfish living. He shakes his head and laughs, though its not the kind that asks you to join in. Its the other kindthe kind that chills you to the bone. After all those years of loving you and losing you, again and again, I was sure that was my punishment for the way Id been living, having no idea youd died at Drinas hand. But now I see the truth Ive missed all along. Just when I was sure Id evaded karma by making you immortal and keeping you forever by my side, karma gets the last laugh, allowing us an eternity together, but only to look, never to touch each other again.

I reach for him, wanting to hold him, comfort him, convince him that its not at all true. But I pull away just as quickly. Remembering how our inability to touch is the very thing that got us both here.

Thats not true, I say, gaze fixed on his. Why would you be punished when Im the one who made the mistake? Dont you see? I shake my head, frustrated by his singular way of thinking. Roman planned it all along. He loved DrinaI bet you didnt know that, huh? He was one of the orphans you saved from the plague back in Renaissance Florence, and he loved her for all of those centuries, wouldve done anything for her. But Drina didnt care about him, she only loved youand you only loved meand then, well, after I killed her, Roman decided to go after meonly he did it through you. Wanting me to feel the pain of never being able to touch you againjust like he feels with Drina! And it all happened so fast, I just I stop, knowing its useless, a total waste of words. He stopped listening just after I started, convinced hes at fault.

But I refuse to even visit that place, and I wont let him either.

Damen, please! You cant just give up. This isnt karmaits me! I made a mistake, a horrible, dreadful mistake. But that doesnt mean we cant fix it! There must be a way. Clinging to the falsest of hopes, forcing an enthusiasm I dont really feel.

Damen stands before me, a dark silhouette in the night, the warmth of his sad tired gaze serving as our only embrace. I never shouldve started, he says. Never shouldve made the elixirshouldve let things take their own natural course. Seriously, Ever, just look at the resultits brought nothing but pain! He shakes his head, his gaze so sad, so contrite, my heart caves. Theres still time for you though. Youve got your whole life ahead of youan eternity where you can be anything you want to be, do anything you want to do. But me He shrugs. Im tainted. I think we can all see the result of my six hundred years.

No! My voice quivers as my lips tremble so badly it spreads to my cheeks. You dont get to walk away, you dont get to leave me again! I spent the last month going through hell to save you, and now that youre well Im not about to give up. Were meant for each other, you said it yourself! Were just experiencing a temporary setback, thats all. But if we can just put our heads together, I know well think of a way to . . .

I stop, voice fading, seeing hes already moved on, retreating to his bleak sorry world where hes solely to blame. And I know its time to tell the rest of the story, the sorry, regretful parts Id prefer to leave out. Maybe then hell see it differently, maybe then

Theres more, I say, rushing ahead though Ive no idea how to phrase what comes next. So before you assume karmas out to get you or whatever, you need to know something else, something Im not exactly proud of, but still

Then I take a deep breath and tell him about my trips to Summerlandthat magical dimension between the dimensions where I learned how to go back in timeand that given the choice between my family and himI chose them. Convinced I could somehow restore the future I was sure had been stolen, and yet all it really amounted to was a lesson I already knew:

Sometimes destiny lies just outside of our reach.

I swallow hard and stare at the sand, reluctant to see Damens reaction when he looks into the eyes of the one who betrayed him.

But instead of getting mad or upset like I thought, he surrounds me with the most beautiful glowing white lighta light so comforting, so forgiving, so pureits like the portal to Summerlandonly better. So I close my eyes and surround him with light too, and when I open them again, were wrapped in the most beautiful warm hazy glow.

You had no choice, he says, voice gentle, gaze soothing, doing everything he can to ease all my shame. Of course you chose your family. It was the right thing to do. I wouldve done the samegiven the choice

I nod, shining his light even brighter and tacking on a telepathic embrace. Knowing its not nearly as comforting as the real thing but for now itll do. I know about your family, I know everything, I saw it all He looks at me with eyes so dark and intense I force myself to continue. Youre always so secretive about your past, where you came from, how you livedand so one day, while I was in Summerland, I asked about youandwellyour entire life story was revealed.

I press my lips together and peer at him standing before me so silent and still. Sighing as he gazes into my eyes and telepathically traces his fingers along the curve of my cheekcreating an image so deliberate, so palpable, it almost seems real.

Im sorry, he says, thumb mentally smoothing my chin. Im sorry I was so shut down and unwilling to share that I reduced you to that. But even though it happened a long time ago, its still something I prefer not to discuss.

I nod, having no intention of pushing it. His witnessing his parents murder followed by years of abuse at the hands of the church is not a subject I intend to pursue.

But theres more, I say, hoping I can maybe restore a little hope by sharing something else that I learned. When I was watching your life unfold, at the end, Roman had killed you. But even though that seemed fated to happen, I still managed to save you. I gaze at him, sensing hes far from convinced and rushing ahead before I lose him completely. I mean, yeah, maybe our fate is sometimes fixed and unchangeable, but there are other times when its shaped purely by the actions we take. So when I couldnt save my family by going back in time, its only because that was a destiny that couldnt be changed. Or as Riley said seconds before the second accident that took them again, You cant change the past, it just is. But when I found myself right back here in Laguna, and I was able to save you, well, I think it proves that the future isnt always concrete, not everything is ruled solely by fate.

Maybe so. He sighs, gaze fixed on mine. But you cant escape karma, Ever. It is what it is. It doesnt judge, its neither good nor bad like most people think. Its the result of all actions, positive and negativea constant balancing of eventscause and effecttit for tatreaping and sowingwhat goes around comes around. He shrugs. However you phrase it, its the same in the end. And as much as youd like to think otherwise, thats exactly whats happening here. All actions cause a reaction. And this is where my actions have brought me. He shakes his head. All this time I told myself I turned you out of lovebut now I see it was really out of selfishnessbecause I couldnt be without you. Thats why this is happening now.

So, thats it? I shake my head, hardly believing hes determined to give up so easily. Thats how it ends? Youre just so dang sure youve been chased down by karma you dont even try to fight back? You came all this way just so we could be together and now that were facing an obstacle, youre not even going to try to scale the brick wall in our path?

Ever. His gaze is warm, loving, all-encompassing, but it does nothing to cancel the defeat in his voice. Im sorry, but there are some things I just know.

Yeah, well . . . I shake my head and gaze down at the ground, burying my toes deep in the sand. Just because youve got a few centuries on me doesnt mean you get the last word. Because if were truly in this together, if our lives, like our fate, is truly entwined, then youll realize this isnt just happening to you, Im part of it too. And you dont get to walk away from ityou dont get to walk away from me! Weve got to work together! There has to be a way I stop, body shaking, throat closed so tight I can no longer speak. All I can do is stand there before him, silently urging him to join me in a fight Im not sure we can win.

Ive no plans to leave you, he says, gaze filled with the longing of four hundred years. I cant leave you, Ever. Believe me, Ive tried. But in the end, I always find my way back to your side. Youre all Ive ever wantedall Ive ever lovedbut Ever

No buts. I shake my head, wishing I could hold him, touch him, press my body tightly against his. Theres got to be a way, some kind of cure. And together well find it. I just know that we will. Weve come too far to let Roman keep us apart. But I cant do it alone. Not without your help. So please promise mepromise youll try.

He looks at me, his gaze luring me in. Closing his eyes as he fills the beach with so many tulips the entire cove is bursting with waxy red petals atop green curving stemsthe ultimate symbol of our undying love covering every square inch of sand.

Then he slips his arm through mine and leads me back to his car. Our skin separated only by his supple black leather jacket and my organic cotton tee. Enough to spare the consequences of any accidental DNA exchange, but unable to temper the tingle and heat that pulsates between us.

CHAPTER 3

 Guess what?

Miles gazes at me as he climbs into my car, big brown eyes wider than usual, cute baby face curving into a grin. No, you know what? Dont guess. Ill just tell you, cause youre never gonna believe it! Youre never gonna guess!

I smile, hearing his thoughts a few moments before he can speak them, refraining from saying: Youre going to acting camp in Italy! Just moments before he says, Im going to acting camp in Italy! No, correction, make that Florence, Italy! Home of Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, Raphael

And your good friend Damen Auguste, who actually knew all of those artists!

Ive known about the possibility for a few weeks but it just became official last night and I still cant believe it! Eight weeks in Florence, doing nothing but acting, eating, and stalking smoldering hot Italian men . . .

I glance at him as I back out of his drive. And Holts good with all that?

Miles looks at me. Hey, you know the drill. What happens in Italy stays in Italy.

Except when it doesnt. My thoughts drifting to Drina and Roman, wondering how many more immortal rogues are still out there, just waiting to show up in Laguna Beach and terrorize me.

Anyway, Im leaving soon, just after school gets out. And I have so much to prepare between now and then! Oh, and I almost forgot the best partwellone of the best parts. As it just so happens it all works out perfectly since my Hairspray run ends the week before I leave, so Ill still get my final bow as Tracy TurnbladI mean, seriously, how perfect is that?

Seriously perfect. I smile. Really. Congrats. Thats so cool. And well deserved I might add. I only wish I could go with you.

And the moment I say it, I realize its true. It would be so nice to escape all my problems, board a plane and fly away from all this. Besides, I miss hanging with Miles. The last few weeks when he and Haven (along with the rest of the school) were under Romans spell were some of the loneliest days of my life. Not having Damen beside me was more than I could bear, but not having the support of my two best friends nearly sent me over the edge. But Miles and Haven dont remember any of that, none of them do. Only Damen can access small bits and pieces, and what he recalls leaves him feeling terribly guilty.

I wish you could come too, he says, messing with my car stereo, trying to find just the right soundtrack to match his good mood. Maybe after graduation we can all go to Europe! We can get Eurail passes, stay in youth hostels, backpack aroundhow cool would that be? Just the six of us, you know, you and Damen, Haven and Josh, and me and whoever . . .

You and whoever? I glance at him. Whats that about?

Im a realist. He shrugs.

Please. I roll my eyes. Since when?

Since last night when I found out Im going to Italy. He laughs, running a hand through his cropped brown hair. Listen, Holts great and all, dont get me wrong. But Im not fooling myself. Im not pretending its anything more than it is. Its like weve got an expiration date, you know? A full three acts with a definite beginning, middle, and end. Its not like with you and Damen. You guys are different. Youre lifers.

Lifers? I peer at him, shaking my head as I stop at a traffic light. Sounds more like a prison term than a happily ever after.

You know what I mean. He inspects his manicure, turning his hot-pink Tracy Turnblad nails this way and that. Its just that you guys are so in tune with each other, so connected. And I mean that literally by the way since youre pretty much always going at it.

Not anymore. I swallow hard, punching the gas the second the light turns green, crossing the intersection with a loud screech of wheels and leaving a thick trail of rubber behind. Refusing to slow until I pull into the parking lot and scan for Damen who always parks in the second best space next to mine.

But even after I set the brake, hes nowhere to be found. And Im just about to climb out, wondering where he could be, when he appears right beside me, gloved hand on my door.

Wheres your car? Miles asks, glancing at him as he slams his door shut and slings his backpack over his shoulder. And whats up with your hand?

I got rid of it, Damen says, gaze fixed on mine. Then glancing at Miles and seeing his expression he adds, The car, not the hand.

Did you trade it in? I ask, but only because Miles is listening. Damen doesnt need to buy, trade, or sell, like normal people do. He can just manifest anything at will.

He shakes his head and walks me to the gate, smiling as he says, No, I just dropped it off on the side of the road, key in the ignition, engine running.

Excuse me? Miles yelps. You mean to tell me that you left your shiny, black, BMW M6 Coupeby the side of the road?

Damen nods.

But thats a hundred-thousand-dollar car! Miles gasps as his face turns bright red.

A hundred and ten. Damen laughs. Dont forget, it was fully customized and loaded with options.

Miles stares at him, eyes practically bugging out of his head, unable to comprehend how anyone could do such a thingwhy anyone would do such a thing. Um, okay, so let me get this straightyou just woke up and decidedHey, what the hell? I think Ill just dump my ridiculously expensive luxury car by the side of the roadWHERE JUST ANYONE CAN TAKE IT?

Damen shrugs. Pretty much.

Because in case you havent noticed, Miles says, practically hyperventilating now. Some of us are a little car deprived. Some of us were born to parents so cruel and unusual theyre forced to rely on the kindness of friends for the rest of their lives!

Sorry. Damen shrugs. Guess I hadnt thought about that. Though if it makes you feel any better, it was all for a very good cause.

And when he looks at me, eyes meeting mine in that way that he has, along with the usual wave of warmth I get this horrible feeling that ditching the car is just the start of his plans.

Howd you get to school? I ask, just as we reach the front gate where Haven is waiting.

He rode the bus. Haven glances between us, her recently dyed, royal blue bangs falling into her face. I kid you not. I wouldnt have believed it either, but I saw it with my own eyes. Watched him climb right off that big yellow bus with all the other freshmen, dorks, retards, and rejects who, unlike Damen, have no other choice but to ride. She shakes her head. And I was so shocked by the sight of it, I blinked a bunch of times just to make sure it was really him. And then, when I still wasnt convinced, I snapped a pic on my cell and sent it to Josh who confirmed it. She holds it up for us to see.

I glance at Damen, wondering what he could possibly be up to, and thats when I notice hes ditched his usual cashmere sweater in place of a plain cotton tee, and how his designer jeans have been replaced with no-name plain pockets. Even the black motorcycle boots hes practically famous for have been swapped for brown rubber flip-flops. And even though he doesnt need any of that dash and flash to look as devastatingly handsome as the first day we metthis new low-key look just isnt him.

Or at least not the him that Im used to.

I mean, while Damen is undeniably smart, kind, loving, and generoushes also more than a tad flamboyant and vain. Always obsessed with his clothes, his car, his image in general. And dont even try and pin him down on his exact date of birth, because for someone who chose to be immortal he has a definite complex about his age.

But even though I normally couldnt care less about the clothes he wears or his ride to school, when I look at him again, I get this horrible ping in my gutan insistent push, demanding my notice. A definite warning that this is merely the beginning. That this sudden transformation goes way deeper than some cost-cutting, altruistic, environmentally conscious agenda. No, this has something to do with last night. Something about being haunted by his karma. Like hes convinced himself that giving up his most prized possessions will somehow balance it all out.

Shall we? He smiles, grasping my hand the second the bell rings, leading me away from Miles and Haven wholl spend the next three periods texting back and forth, trying to determine whats up with Damen.

I look at him, his gloved hand in mine as we head down the hall, whispering, Whats going on? What really happened to your car?

I already told you. He shrugs. I dont need it. Its an unnecessary indulgence I no longer care toindulge. He laughs, looking at me. But when I fail to join in he shakes his head and says, Dont look so serious. Its not a big deal. When I realized its not something I need, I drove it out to a depressed area and left it by the side of the road where someone can find it.