The furniturehe gazes out at his manicured lawn, voice low and deepis right back where it started. Returned to its original state of pure vibrating energy with the potential to become anything at all. And as for the rest He shrugs, the strong lines of his shoulders rising ever so slightly before settling again. Well, it hardly matters anymore, does it? Ive no need of it now.
I stare at his back, taking in his lean form, his casual stance. Wondering how he could be so uninterested in reclaiming the precious artifacts of his pastthe Picasso of him in the severe blue suit, the Velázquez astride a rearing white stallionnot to mention all the other amazing relics dating back centuries.
But those objects are priceless! You have to get them back. They can never be replaced!
Ever, relax. Its just stuff. His voice firm, resigned, as he turns toward me again. None of it has any real meaning. The only thing that means anything is you.
And even though the sentiment is undeniably sweet and heartfelt, it doesnt affect me in the way that it should. The only things he seems to care about these days is atoning for his karma and me. And while Im perfectly fine with those occupying the number one and two spots on his list, the problem isthe rest of the page is blank.
But thats where youre wrong. Its not just stuff. I move toward him, voice urging, coaxing, hoping to reach him and make him listen this time. Signed books by Shakespeare and the Brontë sisters, chandeliers from Marie Antoinette and Louis the Sixteenththats hardly what youd call stuff. Its history for Gods sake! You cant just shrug it off as though its nothing more than a box of tired old objects you donate to Goodwill.
He looks at me, gaze softening as he trails the tip of his gloved finger from my temple to my chin. I thought you hated my dusty old room as you once called it.
People change. I shrug. Wishing, not for the first time, that hed change back to the Damen I knew. And speaking of change, why are you so freaked by Miless trip to Florence? Noting the way he stiffens at the mere mention of the word. Is it because of the whole Drina and Roman thing? The connection you dont want him to know about?
He looks at me for a moment, lips parting, about to speak, then he turns away and mumbles, Im hardly what youd call freaked.
You know what? Youre absolutely right. For a normal person, that was hardly what youd call freaked. But for the guy whos always the coolest, calmest one in the roomall it takes is the slight narrowing of your eyes and the most minute clenching of your jaw to know youre upset.
He sighs, eyes searching mine as he moves toward me again. You saw what happened in Florence. He squints. Despite all its virtues, its also a place of unbearable memories, ones Id rather not explore.
I swallow hard, remembering the images I viewed in SummerlandDamen hiding in a small dark cupboard, watching as his parents were murdered by thugs intent on obtaining the elixirthen later, abused as a ward of the church until the Black Plague swept through Florence and he encouraged Drina and the rest of the orphans to drink the immortal juice, hoping only to heal and having no idea it would grant eternal lifeand I cant help but feel like the worlds worst girlfriend for bringing it up.
I prefer to focus on the present. He nods, gesturing around the large empty room. And right now I really need your help furnishing this space. According to my Realtor, buyers like a nice, clean, contemporary look when shopping for homes. And though I was thinking of leaving it empty, to really emphasize the size of the rooms, I suppose we should try
Your Realtor? I gasp, practically choking on the word as my voice raises several octaves at the end. What could you possibly need a Realtor for?
Im selling the house. He shrugs. I thought you understood?
I gaze around, longing for that ancient velvet settee with the lumpy cushions, knowing it would provide the perfect landing for when my body collapses and my head quietly explodes.
But I just stand there instead, determined to keep it together. Gazing at my ridiculously gorgeous boyfriend of the last four hundred years as though its the first time weve met.
Dont look so upset. Nothings changed. Its just a house. A seriously oversized house. Besides, Ive never needed all this space anyway. I never even use most of these rooms.
And what exactly are you planning to replace it with, then? A tent?
I just thought Id downsize, thats all. His gaze is pleading, begging me to understand. Nothing sinister, Ever. Nothing meant to hurt you.
And is your Realtor going to help with that too? With the downsizing? Studying him closely, wondering whats gotten into him, and where this will end. I mean, Damen, if youre seriously looking to downsize, why not just manifest something smaller? Why are you choosing this conventional route?
I flick my gaze over him, moving from his glorious head of longish dark glossy hair to his perfect rubber flip-flopshod feet, remembering how, not so long ago, I longed to be normal again, just like everyone else. But now that Im getting used to my powers I dont see the point.
Whats this really about? I squint, feeling more than a little betrayed. I mean, youre the one who got me here. Youre the one who made me this way. And now that Im finally adjusted, you decide to jump ship? Seriously. Why are you doing this?
But instead of answering, he closes his eyes. Projecting an image of the two of us laughing and happy, frolicking on a beautiful, pink-sand beach.
But I just shake my head and cross my arms tighter, refusing to play until my questions are answered.
He sighs and stares out the window, turning toward me when he says, Ive already told you, my only recourse, my only way out of this hell of my making, is to atone for my karma. And the only way to do that is to forego the manifesting, the high life, the big spending, and all the other extravagances Ive indulged myself in for the last six hundred years, so I can live the life of an ordinary citizen. Honest, hard working, and humble, with the same day-to-day struggles as anyone else.
I stare at him, replaying his words in my head, hardly believing what I just heard. And how exactly are you planning to do that? I squint. Seriously. In your six centuries of living, have you ever even held a real job?
But even though Im dead serious and not at all joking, he throws his head back and laughs like I was. Eventually calming down enough to say, You honestly think no one will hire me? He shakes his head and laughs even harder. Ever, please. Dont you think Ive been around long enough to have honed a few skills?
I start to respond, wanting to explain that while its truly remarkable to watch him paint a Picasso better than Picasso with one hand while simultaneously outdoing Van Gogh with the other, I really dont think thatll help him land that coveted barista position at the Starbucks on the corner.
But before I can say it, hes standing beside me, moving with such speed and grace all I can manage is, Well, for someone whos turned his back on his gifts, you still move awfully fast. Aware of that warm wonderful tingle swarming my skin as he slips his arms around my waist and pulls me close to his chest, carefully avoiding skin-on-skin contact. And what about telepathy? I whisper. Are you planning to ditch that too? So overcome by his proximity I can barely eke out the words.
Ive no plans to ditch anything that brings me closer to you, he says, gaze on mine, steady and still. As for the rest He shrugs, glancing around the large empty space before finding me again. Tell me, what matters more, Ever? The size of my houseor the size of my heart?
I bite my lip and avert my gaze, the truth of his words leaving me feeling small and ashamed.
Does it really matter if I choose the bus over a BMW, and generic over Gucci? Because the car, the wardrobe, the zip codethose are just nouns, things that are fun to have around, sure, but in the end, they have nothing to do with the real me. Nothing to do with who I really am.
I swallow hard, focusing on anything but him. Its not that I care about his BMW or faux French chateaux, I mean, if I want those things Ill just manifest them myself. But even though they arent important, if Im going to be honest then I have to admit they were part of the initial attractionadding to his sleek, shiny, mysterious persona that lured me right in.
But when I finally look at him again, standing before me, stripped bare of all the usual dazzle and flash, honed down to the very essence of who he really is, I realize hes still the same, warm, wonderful guy hes been all along. Which just proves his point. None of that other stuff matters.
None of it has anything to do with his soul.
I smile, suddenly remembering the one place where we can be togethersafe and secure and protected from harm. Reaching for his gloved hand as I grasp it in mine, saying, Come on, I want to show you something, and pulling him along.
CHAPTER 7
At first I was worried hed refuse to visit a place that not only requires a certain amount of magick for entry, but that is nothing but magick once you arrive. But just after landing in that vast fragrant field, he wipes the seat of his jeans and offers his hand, gazing all around as he says, Wow. I dont think I was ever able to make the portal so quickly.
Please, youre the one who taught me. I smile, gazing at the meadow of pulsating flowers and shivering trees, noting how everything here is reduced to its absolute purest form of beauty and energy.
I tilt my head back, closing my eyes against the warm hazy glow and shimmering mist. Remembering the last time I was here, how I danced with a manifest Damen in this very same field, delaying the moment when Id have to let go.
So youre okay with being here? I ask, unsure just how far his ban on magick extends. Youre not mad?
He shakes his head and takes my hand. I never grow tired of Summerland. Its a manifestation of beauty and promise in its purest form.
We make our way through the pasture, buoyed by the grass just under our feet as our fingers graze the tops of golden wild-flowers that bend and sway alongside us. Knowing anything is possible in this wonderful place, anything at all, includingjust maybeus.
I missed this. He smiles, gazing all around. Not that I remember the last few weeks without it, but still, it seems like such a long time since we were last here.
It felt strange coming without you, I say, leading him toward a beautiful Balinese-style cabana perched beside the rainbow-colored stream. Though I did discover a whole other side I cant wait to show you. Only laternot now.
I push the gauzy white fabric aside and plop onto the soft white cushions, smiling as Damen lands right beside me, the two of us lying side by side, gazing up at the elaborately carved coconut beams. Heads together, the soles of our feet just a few inches shythe result of my elixir-fueled growth spurt.
What is this? He turns onto his side as I draw the curtains closed with my mind. Eager to shut out all that surrounds us so we can enjoy our own private space.
I saw one on the cover of a travel magazine featuring some exotic resort, and I liked it so much I thought Id manifest one. You know, so we couldhang outandstuff. I avert my gaze, heart racing, face flushing, knowing Im quite possibly the most pathetic seductress hes met in his six hundred years.
But he just laughs, pulling me so close we just nearly touch. Separated only by the slimmest veil of shimmering energy, a pulsating screen that hovers between usallowing us to be near without harming each other.
I close my eyes, surrendering to the wave of warmth and tingle as our bodies come together. Two hearts pumping in perfect unison, reaching and retreating, expanding and retracting, the tempo perfectly synchronized as though beating as one. Everything about it feeling so good, so natural, so right, I snuggle closer. Nestling my face in the hollow where his shoulder meets his neck, longing to taste his sweet skin and inhale his warm musky scent. A low moan escaping from deep in his throat as I close my eyes and press into his hips, my tongue tipped toward his skin, only to have him spring from my reach so fast Im met with a mouthful of cushion.
I scramble upright, seeing him move so quickly hes reduced to a blur. Stopping only when hes safely ensconced on the other side of the curtain, eyes blazing, body trembling, as I beg him to tell me what happened.
I move toward him, wanting to help. But just as I get close, he moves again, hand held before him, gaze warning me away.
Dont touch me, he says. Please, stay right where you are. Dont come any closer.
Butwhy? My voice hoarse, unstable, hands trembling by my sides. Did I do something wrong? I just thoughtwellbecause were hereand since nothing bad can happen in SummerlandI just thought it would be okay if we maybe tried to
Ever, its not thatits He shakes his head, his eyes darker than Ive ever seen them. So dark the irises are indistinguishable from the pupils, blending right in. And who says nothing bad can happen here? His tone so edgy, gaze so harsh, its clear hes traveled a very long way from his usual state of infallible calm.
I swallow hard and stare at the ground, feeling foolish, ridiculousto think I was so desperate to be with my boyfriend I risked taking his life.
I guessI just assumed . . . My voice fades, knowing very well what happens when one assumes. Not only do you make an ass out of u and me, but in this particular case, that very same u just might end up dead. Im sorry. I shake my head, knowing its completely inadequate considering the life-and-death circumstances were in. II guess I didnt think it through. I dont know what to say.
I pull my shoulders in, wrapping my arms around my waist, trying to make myself smaller, so small Ill disappear from his sight. And yet, I cant help but wonder exactly what kind of bad thing could happen in a place where magick comes easily, and wounds are healed instantly. I mean, if were not safe here, then where?
Damen looks at me, answering the thought in my head when he says, Summerland contains the possibility of all things. So far, weve only seen the light, but whos to say theres not a dark side? Maybe its not at all what we think.
I gaze at him, remembering when I first met Romy and Rayne and how they said something similar. Watching as he manifests a beautifully carved wood bench, then motions for me to sit.
Come. He nods, urging me toward him as I take a seat at the far end, not wanting to get too close and risk setting him off again. Theres something you need to seesomething you need to understand. So please just close your eyes and clear your mind of any random thoughts and clutter as best you can. Keeping yourself open and receptive to any visions I send. Can you do that?
I nod, eyes shut tight, doing my best to sweep my mind of such thoughts as: Whats going on? Is he mad at me? Of course hes mad at me! How could I be so stupid? But how mad is he? Is it possible to change his mind and start over again? My usual paranoid play-list set on permanent repeat.
But even after clearing it out and waiting for what feels like a reasonable amount of time, all Ive gotten so far is a heavy void of dense solid black.
I dont get it, I say, opening one eye and peeking at him.
But he just shakes his head, eyes shut tight, brows merged in concentration, as he continues to focus with all of his might. Listen, he says. And look deep down inside. Just close your eyes and receive.
I take a deep breath and try again, but still, all I get is a foreboding silence and the feeling of black empty space.
Um, Im really sorry, I whisper, not wanting to upset him but sure that Im missing the point. Im not getting much of anything other than silence and darkness.
Exactly, he whispers, unfazed by my words. Now please, take hold of my hand and go deeper, delve past the surface using all of your senses, then tell me what you see.
I take a deep breath and do as he says, reaching for his hand and pushing past the solid wall of black, but all I get is more of the same.
Until
Until
Im sucked into a black hole, limbs flailing, unable to stop or slow down. Free-falling into the darkness, my horrible high-pitched scream the only sound. And just as Im sure that this fall has no endit stops. The scream. The fall. All of it. Everything. Leaving me to hang there. Untethered. Suspended. Completely alone in this solitary place with no beginning or end. Lost in this dark and dismal abyss with no trace of light coming in. Abandoned in this infinite void, a lost and lonely world of permanent midnight. The horrible realization slowly dawning on meThis is where I live now.
A hell with no escape.
I try to run, scream, cry for helpbut its no use. Im frozen, paralyzed, unable to speakcompletely alone for all of eternity. Purposely held apart from everything I know and lovecut off from everything that exists. Knowing Ive no choice but to surrender as my mind goes blank and my body limp.
Theres no use in fighting when no one can save me.
I remain like that, solitary, eternal, a shadowy awareness creeping upon me, tugging from a place just outside of my reach
Until
Until
Im yanked out of that hell and into Damens arms, relieved to see his beautiful, anxious face hovering over me.
Im so sorryI thought Id lost youI thought youd never come back! he cries, holding me tight, his voice like a sob in my ear.
I cling to him, body shaking, heart racing, clothes drenched with sweat. Never having felt so isolated beforeso disconnectedfrom everything. From everylivingthing. Hugging him tighter, unwilling to let go, my mind connecting with his, asking why he chose to put me through that.
He pulls away, cupping my face in his hands as his eyes search mine. Im sorry. I wasnt trying to punish you, or harm you in any way. I only wanted to show you something, something you needed to experience firsthand in order to understand.
I nod, not trusting my voice. Still shaken from an experience so awful it felt like the death of my soul.
My God! His eyes widen. Thats it! Thats exactly what it is. The soul ceases to exist!
I dont understand, I say, voice hoarse, shaky. What was that horrible place?
He looks away, fingers squeezing mine when he says, The future. The Shadowland. The eternal abyss Id thought was meant only for methat Id hoped was meant only for me . . . He closes his eyes and shakes his head. But now I know better. Now I know that if youre not careful, extremely carefulyoull go there too.
I look at him, starting to speak, but he cuts me off before I can get to the words. The past few days Ive been getting these flashesglimpses, reallyof various moments from my pastboth distant and near. He looks at me, carefully searching my face. But the moment we came here He gestures around. It started trickling back, slowly at first until it all came surging forth, including the moments I was under Romans control. I also relived my death. Those few brief moments after you broke through the circle, before you had me drink the antidote, as you know, I was dying. I watched my entire life flash before me, six hundred years of unchecked vanity, narcissism, selfishness, and greed. Like an endless reel of all of my actions, every misdeed that Id doneaccompanied by the impact I hadthe mental and physical effect of my mistreatment of others. And though there were a few decent acts here and there, the majority, well, it amounted to centuries of me focusing on nothing but my own self-interest, giving very little thought to anything or anyone else. Focusing solely on the physical world to the detriment of my soul. Leaving me no doubt I was right all along, my karmas to blame for what were going through now. He shakes his head and meets my gaze with such unflinching honesty I want to reach out and touch him, hold him, tell him it will all be okay. But instead I stay put, sensing theres more and its about to get worse.
Then, at the moment of my death, instead of coming here, to Summerland His voice cracks but he forces himself to continue. II went to a place the exact opposite of this. A place so dark and cold its more like a Shadowland. Experiencing the same thing you just did. Solitary, suspended, aloneleft to stay that way for all of eternity. He looks at me, willing me to understand. It was exactly like you felt. It was as though I was isolated, soullesswith no connection to anything or anyone else.
I stare into his eyes, an ominous chill blanketing my skin, never having seen him so tired, so jaded, soregretfulbefore.
And now I understand the very thing thats escaped me all these years
I pull my knees to my chest, shielding myself from whatever comes next.
Only our physical bodies are immortal. Our souls are most certainly not.
I avert my gaze, unable to look at him, unable to breathe.
This is the future youre facing. The one Ive granted you, if, God forbid, anything should happen, that is.
My fingers instinctively fly to my throat, remembering what Roman said about my compromised chakra, my lack of discernment and weakness, wondering if theres some way to guard it. Buthow can you be sure? I look at him as though caught in a dream, some horrible nightmare with no way to escape. I mean, theres a good chance youre wrong since it happened so fast. So maybe that was just a temporary state. You know, like I brought you back to life so fast you didnt have time to make the trip here.
He shakes his head, his gaze meeting mine when he says, Tell me, Ever, what did you see when you died? How did you spend those few moments between the time when your soul left your body and I returned you to life?
I swallow hard and look away, gazing at the trees, the flowers, the colorful stream flowing nearbyremembering that day I found myself in this very same field. So taken by its heady fragrance, its shimmering mist, the all-encompassing feel of unconditional love, I was tempted to linger forever, never wanting to leave.
The reason you didnt see the abyss is because you were still mortal. Youd died a mortals death. But the moment I had you drink from the elixir, granting you infinite life, everything changed. Instead of an eternity in Summerland or the place beyond the bridgethe Shadowland became your fate.
He shakes his head and looks away, so deeply mired in his private world of regret Im afraid Ill never reach him again. But just as quickly his eyes meet mine when he says, We can live an eternity in the earth plane, you and I together. But if something should happen, if one of us should die He shakes his head. The abyss is where well go, and well never see each other again.
I start to speak, desperate to refute it, tell him hes wrong, but I cant. Its no use. All I have to do is look in his eyes to see the real truth.
And as much as I believe in the powerful healing magick of this placejust look at the way it healed my memory He shrugs and shakes his head. I cant afford to give in, no matter how safe my desire for you may seem. Its too risky. And weve no proof itll be any different here than on the earth plane. Its a gamble I cant afford to take. Not when I need to do everything I can to keep you safe.
Keep me safe? I gape. Youre the one who needs saving! Its my fault all this happened in the first place! If I hadnt
Ever, please, he says, voice stern, willing me to listen. Youre in no way to blame. When I think about the way Ive livedthe things Ive done He shakes his head. I deserve nothing better. And if there was any question that my karma was to blame, well, I think it ends here. Ive spent the better part of six hundred years devoting myself to physical pleasure and neglecting my souland this is the resultthe wake-up call, and unfortunately, Ive dragged you along. So make no mistake, my concern is for you and you only. Youre my only priority. My life is only important in that I stay well long enough to protect you from Roman and whoever else he might hurt. And that means we can never be together. Never. Its a risk we cant take.
I turn toward the stream, a thousand thoughts storming my brain. And even though I heard everything he just said, even though I experienced the abyss for myself, I still wouldnt change what I am.
And the other orphans? I whisper, remembering how I counted six, including Roman. What happened to them? Do you know if they turned evil like Roman and Drina?
Damen shrugs, rising from the bench and pacing before me. I always assumed they were too old and feeble by now to ever pose a real threat. Thats what happens after the first one hundred and fifty yearsyou age. And the only way to reverse the process is to drink the elixir again. My guess is that Drina stockpiled it while we were married and slipped it to Roman who eventually learned how to make his own and then passed it to the others. He shakes his head.
So thats where Drina is now, I whisper, overcome with remorse when I realize the truth. No matter how evil she was, she didnt deserve that. Nobody does. I sent her to the Shadowlandand now shes I shake my head, unable to finish.
It wasnt you who did it, it was me. He fills the space beside me, sitting so close theres only a sliver of energy pulsating between us. The moment I made her an immortal, I sealed her fate. Just like I did yours.
I swallow hard, comforted by his warmth along with his wanting to assure me that Im truly not responsible for sending my number-one enemy through all of my lives straight into that hell.
Im so sorry, he whispers, gaze full of regret. Im sorry I involved you in any of this. I shouldve left you aloneshouldve walked a long time ago. You wouldve been so much better off if youd never met me
I shake my head, unwilling to even visit that place, its far too late for looking back or second-guessing. But if were destined to be togetherthen maybe this is our fate. Knowing he remains unconvinced the second I read his expression.
Or maybe Ive forced something that was never meant to be. He frowns. Did you ever think of that?
I look away, taking in the surrounding beauty, knowing words alone can never change any of this. Only action can help. And lucky for us, I know just where to start.
I stand, pulling him up alongside me as I say, Come on. We dont need Romandont need anyoneI know just the place!
CHAPTER 8
We head for the Great Halls of Learning. Stopping just shy of its steep marble steps as I peer at him, wondering (hoping!) he can see what I seethe ever-changing façade thats required for entry.
So you really did find it, he says, voice tinged with awe as we watch the revolving collection of the most sacred and beautiful places on Earth. The Taj Mahal morphing into the Parthenon, which turns into the Lotus temple, which becomes the Great Pyramids of Giza, and so on. Our mutual acknowledgment of its beauty and wonder allowing us into the grand marble hall lined with elaborately carved columns straight out of ancient Greek times.
Damen gazes around, face a mask of absolute wonder as he takes it all in. I havent been here since
I peer at him, holding my breath, dying to know the details of the last time he was here.
Since I came to find you.
I squint, unsure what that means.
Sometimes He looks at me. I was lucky enough to just happen upon you, ending up in the same place at just the right time. Though more often than not Id have to wait a few years before it was proper to meet.
You mean you were spying on me? I gape, hoping it wasnt nearly as creepy as it sounds. When I was a kid?
He cringes, averting his gaze when he says, No, not spying, Ever. Please. What do you take me for? He laughs and shakes his head. It was more likekeeping tabs. Patiently waiting until the time was right. But the last few times when I was unable to find you, no matter how hard I triedand believe me, I tried, living like a nomad, wandering from place to place, sure Id lost you foreverI decided to come here. And I ran into some friends who showed me the way.
Romy and Rayne. I nod, neither hearing nor seeing the answer in his head, but somehow sensing its true. Overcome by an immediate rush of guilt for failing to even think of them until now. Not even wondering how they might be, where they might be, until a second ago.
You know them? He squints, clearly surprised.
I press my lips together, knowing Ill have to tell him the rest of the story, the parts Id hoped to omit.