I couldnt be her, I said a little shakily. I wasnt in the earth when you got free. Id been living on the earth for the past seventeen years.
He kept caressing my hair as he answered me, A-ya had been gone for centuries, dissolved once more into the earth that made her. You are simply she, reborn through a daughter of man. That is why you are different from the others.
That cant be true. Im not her. I didnt know you when you rose, I blurted.
Are you quite sure you didnt know me? I could feel the cold of his skin radiating toward my body, and I wanted to lean into him. My heart was beating hard again, only this time it wasnt from fear. I wanted to be close to this fallen angel worse than Id ever wanted anything in my life. The desire I felt for him was even more than the pull of Heaths Imprinted blood. What would it be like to taste Kalonas blood? The thought made me shiver with the delicious, forbidden impulse. You feel it, too, he murmured. You were made for me; you belong to me.
His words slashed through the haze of my desire. I stood up and stepped around the end of the bench, putting the marble arm of it between us. No. I do not belong to you. I dont belong to anyone except myself and Nyx.
You always hearken back to that wretched Goddess! The seductive intimacy evaporated from his voice, and he was once again the cold, amoral angel whose moods shifted on a whim and who could kill with little more than a thought. Why do you insist on being loyal to her? She isnt here. He spread his arms wide and his magnificent wings rustled around him like a living cape. When you most need her, she steps away from you and lets you make mistakes.
Its called free will, I said.
And what is so wonderful about free will? Humans eternally misuse it. Life can be so much happier without it.
I shook my head. But I wouldnt be me anymore without it. Id be your puppet.
Not you. I would not take your will away. His face changed instantly, shifting back to loving angel, the being who was so beautiful it was easy to understand why someone might throw away their free will just to be close to him.
Thankfully, that someone wasnt me.
The only way you could get me to love you would be to take away my free will and then order me to be with you, like I was your slave. I braced myself for the explosion I thought my words would cause, but he didnt yell or jump off the bench or throw any kind of fit. Instead he simply said, Then we are to be enemies, you and I.
He didnt say it like a question, so I decided my best bet was not to answer him. Instead I asked, Kalona, what do you want?
You, of course, my A-ya.
I shook my head and impatiently brushed aside his answer. No, I dont mean that. I mean, why are you here to begin with? Youre not mortal. YouWell I paused, not sure how far I could push this subject safely, then finally decided I might as well go for it; hed already said we were going to be enemies. You fell, right? From, I dont know, someplace that must be what many mortals would call heaven. I paused again, waiting for some kind of response from him.
Kalona nodded slightly. I did.
On purpose?
He looked vaguely amused. Yes, it was my choice that brought me here.
Well, why did you do it? What do you want?
Another change came over his features. He blazed with a brilliance that could only be immortal. Kalona stood, threw his arms wide as his wings unfurled, spreading around him with a magnificence that made it hard for me to look at him and impossible for me to look away.
Everything! he cried in the voice of a god. I want everything!
And then he was there before me, a shining angelnot fallen at all, just miraculously here, within reach. Mortal enough to touch, but too beautiful to be anything but a god.
Are you sure you couldnt love me? He pulled me into his arms. His wings swept down and enfolded me in their soft darkness, a blanket that was in direct contradiction to the wonderful, painful chill of his body that I was coming to know so well. He bent, and slowly, as if giving me time to pull away, brought his mouth down to mine.
When our lips met, the kiss burned with colbea ^r Ed heat through my body. I felt myself fall. His body, his soul, was all that I knew. I wanted to press myself into him, have him lose himself in me. The question wasnt, could I love him, but how could I not love him? An eternity of embracing himpossessing himloving himcouldnt possibly be enough.
An eternity of embracing him
The thought speared through me. A-ya had been created to love him and embrace him for eternity.
Oh, Goddess! my mind cried, am I really A-ya?
No. I couldnt be. I wouldnt let myself be!
I shoved against him. Our embrace had been such a complete and passionate surrender that my sudden rejection caught him by surprise. He staggered back, letting me slip through the double embrace of his arms and wings.
No! I was shaking my head back and forth like a crazy woman. I am not her! I am Zoey Redbird, and if I love someone, its because hes worth loving, and not because Im a piece of dirt thats been brought to life.
His amber eyes narrowed as anger flashed across his face. He started toward me.
No! I screamed.
I was jolted awake to the sounds of Nala hissing like crazy and someone sitting on the side of my bed, trying to defend himself against my flailing arms.
Zoey! Its okay. Wake up! Ow! Shit! the guy said as my fist connected with his cheek.
Get away from me! I cried.
He trapped both of my wrists in one of his hands. Get a grip! Then he reached out and flipped on my bedside light.
I blinked up at the guy who was sitting on my bed rubbing his cheek.
Stark, what the hell are you doing in my room?
CHAPTER 24
I was walking by in the hall out there and I heard your cat yowling and hissing, and then you started yelling. I thought you were in trouble. Stark glanced over at my heavily draped window. Thought maybe a Raven Mocker had gotten in here. Cats really hate them, you know. Anyway, thats why I came busting in.
You just happened to be walking by my room at I glanced at my clock. At noon?
He shrugged, and his lips tilted up in that cocky smile of his that I liked so much. Well, I guess it was more planned than coincidence.
You can let go of me now, I said.
Reluctantly, his hold on my wrists relaxed, but he didnt actually let go of me. I had to pull my hands from his.
That must have been one awful nightmare, he said.
Yeah, it was. I scooted back so that I leaned against the headboard of my bed. Nala had settled down and was curled against my side.
So, what was it about?
I ignored his question and said, What are you doing here?
I told you. I heard noise from in here and
No, I mean why were you outside my door to begin with? And, its noon. All the red fledglings I know dont do well in the sunlight and are seriously sound asleep right now.
Yeah, I could sleep, but whatever. And theres no sunlight out there. Everythings all gray and icy.
Jeesh, the ice storms still going on?
Yeah, another front is moving through today. It would suck to be a human trying to deal with this mess without all the generators and stuff this school has.
What he said made me wonder whether the nuns had a generator at their abbey. I really needed to talk to Sister Mary Angela. Talk to her? Hell, I needed to go there. I missed my grandma, and I was seriously sick of feeling like I was in danger all the time. Unbelievably tired, I sighed. How long had I slept? I counted in my head about five hours. Ugh. And a bunch of that time had been spent in a weird dream place with Kalona, which couldnt be all that restful.
Hey, you look tired, Stark said.
You havent answered my question. Why did you come here? I mean really.
He stared at me and blew out a long breath. Then he said, I needed to see you.
Why?
His brown eyes met mine. He looked so much like the pre-dead undead Stark that it was disconcerting. At that moment his eyes were normal, and there was no scary darkness pulsing from the shadows around him. Only the red outline of his tattoo reminded me that he was different from the kid who had told me secrets and asked for my help in the field house just a few nights ago.
Theyll make you hate me, he blurted.
Whos they? And no one is going to make me feel anything. As soon as I said it, a picture of me in Kalonas arms flashed through my mind, but I purposely shoved the all-too-graphic image away.
TheyEveryone, he said. Theyll tell you Im a monster, and youll believe them.
I kept looking at him, silently and steadily. He was the first to look away.
I gotta think that maybe you doing stuff like biting Becca and hanging around Kalona with your I-cant-miss-anything-I-aim-at bow strapped to your back and ready to shoot might have a little something to do with making them think youre not such a nice guy anymore, I said.
Do you always say exactly what youre thinking?
Well, no, but I try to be honest. Look, Im really tired, and I just had an awful dream. The stuff thats happening around here is not good. I&rsquoT CF tyou;m confused about a bunch of things. And you came to me. I didnt call you up and say, Hey, Stark, why dont you sneak into my room? So Im really not in the mood to play games.
I didnt sneak, he said.
I dont think that part is whats really important, I said.
I came here because you make me feel, he blurted all in one big breath.
I make you feel what?
Just feel. He rubbed a hand across his brow like he might have a headache. Since I died and then came back, its like part of me stayed dead. I havent been able to feel anything. Or at least not anything good. He was talking in short, clipped sentences, as if what he was saying was hard for him to get out. Okay, yeah, I have urges. Especially when I havent had any blood recently. But thats not really feeling. Its just a reaction. You knoweat, sleep, live, die. Its automatic. He grimaced and looked away from me. Its automatic for me to take what I want. Like from that girl.
Becca. My voice was cold. Her name is Becca.
Okay, so her name is Becca.
His expression had hardened. He didnt look scary and red-eyed, but he did look like a complete jerk, and I was just tired enough for that to really piss me off.
You attacked her. You forced yourself on her. Look, its pretty simple. If you dont want people to say bad things about you, then you need to stop doing bad things, I said.
His eyes flashed and I saw a red light in their depths. She would have liked it. If you and the warrior had come along five minutes later, you would have seen her all over me.
Are you kidding me? You actually think mind control is foreplay?
Was she upset when you saw her inside? Or was she talking about how hot I am and how much she wanted me? Stark hurled the questions at me.
And you think that makes what you did okay? You messed with her mind to get her to want to be with you. By any definition thats a violation, and its wrong.
You kissed me right after that, and I didnt have to mess with your mind!
Yeah, well, Ive been having some seriously questionable taste in guys lately. But I can promise you that right now I have absolutely no desire to hurl myself into your arms.
He stood abruptly, shoving away from my bed. I dont know what the hell Im doing here. I am what I am, and nothing can change that. Totally pissed, he started striding toward the door.
You can change that.
I said the words softly, but they seemed to shimmer in the air between us and wrap around Stark, pulling him to a stop. He just stood there for a while, fists clenched at his side, head slightly bowed as if he was fighting with himself. With his back still to me he said, See, thats what I mean. When you say things like that to me, you make me feel again.
Maybe thats because Im the only person whos telling you the truth right now. As I spoke, I got one of my gut-deep feelings that let me know I was saying the words Nyx would have me speak. I drew a long breath and tried to center myself, and even though I was tired and hurt and confused about many things, I followed the thread that had been unraveled before me and tried to sew together the shredded cloth of Starks humanity. I dont think youre a monster, but I also dont think youre just a nice guy. I see what you are, and I believe in what you could choose to be. Stark, dont you understand? Kalona and Neferet are keeping you like this because theyre using you. If you dont want to turn into a creature of their creation, then youre going to have to choose a different way and fight against them, and against the darkness they surround themselves with. I sighed, searching for the right words. Dont you see, evil will win if good people do nothing. I must have struck a nerve with Stark, because he slowly turned around to face me.
But Im not good people.
You were a good guy before all of this. I know you were. I didnt forget, just like I promised you. And you can be a good guy again.
When I hear you say it, I almost believe it.
Believing it is the first step. Acting on it is the second. I paused, and he didnt say anything, so I filled the dead air with some of the babble that was drifting through my mind. Have you stopped to think about why we keep coming together?
His smile was completely Bad Boy. Yeah, I thought it was because youre so damn hot.
I tried, unsuccessfully, not to grin back at him. Well, yeah, I mean besides that.
He shrugged. You being hot is enough for me.
Thanks, I guess. But thats not exactly what I meant. I was thinking it has something to do with Nyx and your being important to her.
Starks smiled faded instantly. The Goddess couldnt want anything to do with me. Not anymore.
I think youd be surprised. Remember Aphrodite?
He nodded. Yeah, kinda. Shes that really stuck-up chick who actually thinks shes a love goddess.
Thats Aphrodite. She and Nyx are like this. I crossed my fingers.
Are you sure?
Totally, I said, and couldnt stop the humongous yawn that overtook me. Sorry. I didnt get much sleep lately. Between the stress going on around here, me getting hurt, and some seriously bad dreams, sleep has not been very friendly to me.
Can I ask you something about your dreams?
I shrugged and nodded sleepily.
Has Kalona been in them?
I blinked id instantl ~Z#n surprise at him. Why would you ask that?
He does that. Gets in peoples dreams.
Hes been in your dreams?
Nah, not me, but Ive overhead the fledglings talking, and hes definitely been in their dreams, only they liked it a lot more than you do.
I thought about how sexy Kalona could be and how easy it would be for me to give in to his hypnotic appearance. Yeah, Ill just bet they do.
I want to tell you something, but I dont want you to think Im making it up just so I can hit on you, he said.
What is it? He was looking massively uncomfortable, as if what he was about to say made him really nervous.
Its harder for him to get into your dreams if youre not sleeping alone.
I stared hard at him. He was right. It sounded like something a guy would make up to get into a girls bed (and panties).
I wasnt sleeping alone the first time it happened, I said.
You were with a guy?
I felt my cheeks start to get warm. No. I was with my roommate.
It has to be a guy. Its like he doesnt want to compete or something.
Stark, that sounds like utter bullpoopie.
He smiled. Is bullpoopie really a word?
Its my word, I said. And how the hell would you know this little tidbit about Kalona?
He talks a lot around me. Its almost like he doesnt notice Im there sometimes. I heard him and Rephaim talking about the dreams. Kalona said he was thinking about putting Raven Mocker guards up between the girls and guys dorms to keep them apart, but he decided he wouldnt because he really wasnt having an issue with controlling the fledglingswith or without being in their dreams.
Gross, I said. What about the professors? Are they all under his control, too?
Apparently. At least none of them have stood up against him or Neferet.
I expected Stark to start to get defensive with my questioning, but he didnt seem to mind and was talking to me like it was no big deal to let me know this stuff. So I decided to see how much I could find out. What about the Sons of Erebus? I saw one when we first came on campus but havent even seen him since.
There arent many of them left, Stark said.
What do you mean?
I mean a bunch of them are dead. When Shekinah fell, Ate freaked and led an attack against Kalona, even though I dont think Kalona was the one who killed her.
He didnt. Neferet killed Shekinah.
Jui Stark
Huh. Well, that figures. Neferet is a vindictive bitch.
I thought you were one of her minions.
No.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Does she know that? I asked.
No, he said. I remember something you said right before I died. You tried to warn me to be careful around Neferet.
Yeah, I remember that, too.
Well, you were right.
Stark, shes changing, isnt she? I mean shes not just a vamp High Priestess anymore, I said.
Shes not normal, thats for sure. Her powers are bizarre. I swear she can spy on people better than Kalona can. He looked away from me, and when he met my eyes again, his were shadowed by a soul-deep sadness. I wish you had been there instead of Neferet.
Been there? I asked, even though the tightening in my gut told me I knew exactly what he meant.
Youd been watching my body, hadnt you? With that camera thing.
Yeah, I said softly. Jack installed it. I didnt want to leave you alone and that was the best way I could think of to keep an eye on you. Then my grandma was in an accident and things got crazyIm sorry.
Im sorry, too. It would have turned out differently if it had been you instead of her I opened my eyes to see.
I wanted to ask him questions about what exactly happened with the whole dying and un-dying thing, as well as question him further about Neferet, but his face was closed off and his eyes were filled with pain.
Look, he said, abruptly changing the subject, you want to get some sleep. Im tired, too. What if we sleep together? Just sleep together. I promise I wont try anything.
I dont think so, I said.
Youd rather have Kalona show up in your dreams again?
No, but I, well, I, uh, dont think you sleeping with me is a good idea.
His expression got hard and cold again, but I could see the pain that was still in his eyes. Because you dont think Ill keep my promise.
No, because I dont want anyone to know youve been here, I said honestly.
Ill leave before anyone knows, he said quietly.
And suddenly I knew my response to him could be what tipped him over in the struggle for his humanity. The last two lines of Kramishas poem echoed through my mind: Humanity saves her / Will she save me? I knew what I had to do.
Okay, fine. But you really have to get out of here early before anyone sees you.
His eyes widened in surprise, and then his lips tilted up in his cocky Bad Boy smile. You mean it?
Sadly, yes. Now come over here because Im about to fall asleep in the middle of talking to you.
Cool! I dont have to be told twice. Im a monster, not a moron. He moved quickly back to the bed.
I scooted over, dislodging Nala, which pissed her off. Grumbling, she padded to the end of the bed, made three quick circles, and I swear she was asleep again before her head was pillowed on her paws. I looked from her to Stark and hastily threw my arm across his side of the bed before he could tuck himself in.
What? he said.
First you have to get rid of that bow and arrow business thats practically growing on your back.
Oh, okay. He pulled over his head the leather contraption that held the bow and quiver of arrows to his back and dropped them on the floor beside the bed. When I still didnt move my arm, he said, What now?
You are so not getting in my bed with your shoes on.
Crap. Sorry, he muttered, kicking off his shoes. Then he looked down at me. Want me to take anything else off?
I frowned up at him. Like he wasnt hot enough already in his black T-shirt, his jeans, and his cocky smile? But no way was I going to tell him that. No. You may not take anything else off. Jeesh, just get in here. Im seriously tired.
As he slid into bed beside me, I realized just how small my bed was when I was sharing it with a guy. I had to remind myself that I really was tired and that the whole point of Stark sleeping with me was for me to get some rest.
Turn off the light, would ya? I asked him, sounding way more nonchalant than I felt.
He reached over and snapped the light off.
So, you think youll be going to class tomorrow? he asked.
Yeah, I suppose. Then, because I really didnt want to talk about why I might be going to class so soon after Id been hurt so badly, I added, And I have to remember to look through the Hummer Darius drove us in here with. I think I left my purse in it. Or at least I hope I did, cause having a lost purse really sucks.
Now that scares me, Stark said.
What scares you?
Chicks purses. Or at least all the weird stuff you people keep inside of them.
Us people? Jeesh. Were girls, and purses just have girl stuff in them. His normal-sounding guyness was making me smile.
Theres no just about purse stuff, he said. And I swear I felt him shudder.
I laughed out loud this time. My grandma would say that youre a conundrum.
Is that good or bad?
A conundrum is something thats puzzling, even kinda paradoxical. For instance, here you are this macho, dangerous, warrior guy who cant miss anything he shoots at, but youre totally squeed out by girls purses? Its like theyre your spiders.
He chuckled. My spiders? Whats that supposed to mean?
Well, I dont like spiders. At all. I shuddered like hed just done.
Oh, I get it. Yeah, purses are my spiders. Really big spiders you can open up and theyre filled with a whole nest of baby spiders.
Okay! Okay! Youre totally grossing me out. Lets change the subject.
Sounds good to me. SoI think you have to be touching whoever youre sleeping with for this to really work. His voice sounded weirdly intimate coming from the darkness beside me.
Yeah, sure. My stomach felt all fluttery, and not just because wed been talking about spiders.
His sigh was heavy and long-suffering. Im telling you the truth. Why do you think it doesnt keep him away if youre just sleeping with a roommate? You have to be touching. A guy and a girl. I guess a guy and a guy would work, too, if it was like Damien and his boyfriend. Or even a girl and a girl if they were into each other. He paused. I think Im babbling.
I think you are, too. Actually, babbling was usually what I did when I was nervous, and it was refreshing to meet someone else who was a nervous babbler.
You really dont have to be scared of me. Im not going to hurt you.
Because you know I can kick your butt with the elements?
Because I care about you, he said. You were starting to care about me, werent you? I mean before all of this happened to me.
Yes. On one hand, right about then was an excellent opportunity for me to mention the little fact that Erik and I were supposed to be back together. And maybe even say something about Heath. (Or maybe not.) On the other hand, I was trying to somehow fix the kids humanity, or lack thereof, and it probably wouldnt help for me to be all: Hey, Ill sleep with you and act like I care about you, but I kinda have a boyfriend. Or two. And besides all that, I needed to start being honest with myself. Erik had seemed so perfect for me; hes who everyone thought I should be with. Then why have I always liked other guys, too, and thats even before he started acting all insanely possessive? It wasnt just Heath Id been drawn to, but Loren and then Stark. The only thing I could think was that something must be missing with Erik, or else I was just turning into a nasty skank. I mean, really. I didnt feel like a nasty skank. I felt like a girl who liked more than one guy.
He shifted on the bed beside me and I tried not to jump when I felt his arm lift up. Come on over here. You can put your head on my chest and go to sleep. Ill keep you safe. I promise.
I pushed the Erik problem from my mind, and figuring I might as wellI mean, I was already in bed with the kidI slid over. He put his arm around me and I tried to relax against his side with my head kinda awkwardly resting on his chest. I kept wondering if he was comfortable. Was I too heavy? Was I too close to him? Not close enough?
Then his hand lifted and found my head. At first I thought he was going to move my head (because it was too heavy), or maybe even strangle me or whatnot. So it surprised me when he started to stroke my hair like I was a skittish horse.
You have really pretty hair. Did I tell you that before I died, or did I just think it?
You must have just thought it, I said.
I would tell you that you looked really hot today when I saw you naked, but that probably wouldnt be appropriate, being as were in bed together but not doing anything.
No, I stiffened, getting ready to pull out of his arms. It wouldnt be appropriate.
His chest rumbled under my ear as he chuckled. Relax, will ya?
Then dont talk about seeing me naked.
Okay. He caressed my hair silently for a little while, then he said, That Raven Mocker hurt you pretty badly.
It wasnt a question, but I still said, Yeah.
Kalona doesnt want you hurt, so hell be in for some shit when he gets back here.
He wont be getting back. I killed him. Burned him up, I said simply.
Good, he said. Zoey, would you make me one more promise?
I suppose, but you dont seem one hundred percent happy when I keep my promises to you.
Ill be happy if you keep this one.
What is it this time?
Promise me if I become a real monster like them, youll burn me up, too.
Thats not a promise I feel comfortable making, I said.
Well, think about it because it might be a promise youll have to fulfill.
We were silent again. The only sound in my room was Nalas soft snoring from the foot of my bed, and the steady beat of Starks heart under my ear. He kept stroking my hair, and it wasnt long before my eyelids started to feel incredibly heavy. But before I fell asleep I had one more thing I wanted him to hear.
Would you do something for me? I asked sleepily.
I think Id do almost anything for you, Stark said.
Stop calling yourself a monster.
His hand stilled for a moment. He shifted slightly and I felt his lips against my forehead. Go to sleep now. Ill watch over you.
I drifted to sleep while he was still slowly stroking my hair. Kalona didnt once enter my dreams.
CHAPTER 25
Stark was gone when I woke up. Feeling majorly refreshed as well as starving, I stretched and yawned, which is when I found the arrow lying on the pillow beside me. Hed broken it in half, which immediately caught my attention. I mean, Im from a town named Broken Arrow. I know what the symbolism of an arrow snapped in half meanspeace, an end to fighting. There was a note folded underneath the arrow pieces with my name printed on it. I opened it and read: I watched you while you were sleeping and you looked completely at peace. I wish I could feel that. I wish I could close my eyes and feel at peace. But I cant. I cant feel anything if Im not with you, and even then all I can do is want something that I dont think I can ever have, at least not now. So I left this, and my peace, with you. Stark.
What the hell does that mean? I asked Nala.