"Competing? You mean that banal archery competition between the different Houses of Night?" Neferet's laughter made my skin crawl. "It matters little to me if you compete or not. Remember, I am Nyx's mouthpiece here, and I say what is important is that you don't waste your Goddess-given talent. You never know when Nyx might call on youand it won't be for some silly contest."
My stomach flipped over. I knew Neferet was talking about her war against the humans. But Stark, being completely clueless, just looked relieved at not having to compete again, and his expression shifted back to nonchalance tinged with cockiness.
"No problem. I don't mind practicing, Priestess," he said.
"Neferet, what is it you wish us to do about the, uh, dog?" Dragon said.
Neferet paused for just a moment; then she crouched gracefully down in front of the yellow Lab. The dog's big ears pricked forward. She stuck her wet nose up, sniffing with obvious curiosity at Neferet's offered hand. Across the booth from me, Beelzebub hissed menacingly. Nala growled low in her throat. Neferet's eyes lifted and met mine.
I tried to keep my face expressionless, but I don't know how well I succeeded. I hadn't seen Neferet since two days ago when she'd followed me out of the auditorium after she'd announced the humanvampyre war she wanted to start in retribution for Loren's murder. Naturally, we'd had words. She'd been Loren's lover. So had I, but that had been inconsequential. Loren hadn't loved me. Neferet had set up the whole thing between Loren and me, and she knew I knew she had. She also knew I knew Nyx didn't approve of the things she'd been doing.
Basically, she'd seriously hurt my heart, and I hated Neferet almost as much as I feared her. I hoped none of those things showed on my face as our High Priestess strolled over to our table. With a slight hand gesture, she had Stark and his leashed dog following along behind her. The Twins' cat gave one more long hiss before streaking off. I frantically petted Nala, hoping she wouldn't totally lose her mind as the dog got closer. Neferet stopped when she reached our table. Her eyes skipped quickly from me to Aphrodite before they came to rest on Damien.
"I'm glad you're here, Damien. I'd like you to show Stark his room, and help him find his way around campus."
"I'd be happy to, Neferet," Damien said quickly, looking all sparkly-eyed when Neferet beamed her one-hundred-watt thank-you smile at him.
"Dragon will help you with the details," she said. Then her green eyes moved to me. I braced myself. "And Zoey, this is Stark. Stark, this is Zoey Redbird, the leader of our Dark Daughters."
He and I nodded at each other.
"Zoey, as you are our High Priestess in Training, I'll leave the issue of Stark's dog with you. I trust that one of the many abilities Nyx has gifted you with will help you acclimate Duchess into our school." Her cold eyes never left mine. They told a different story than her syrupy-sweet voice. They said, Remember that I'm in charge here and you're just a child.
I purposefully broke eye contact with her and gave Stark a tight smile. "I'd be happy to help your dog fit in."
"Excellent," Neferet cooed. "Oh, and Zoey, Damien, Shaunee, and Erin." She smiled at my friends, and my friends grinned like utter fools right back at her. She completely ignored Aphrodite and Jack. "I've called a special Council Meeting for tonight at ten thirty." She glanced at her diamond-studded platinum watch. "It's almost ten o'clock right now, so you need to finish up eating because I expect you Prefects to be there, too."
"We will!" They trilled like ridiculous baby birds.
"Oh, Neferet, that reminds me," I said, raising my voice so that it carried across the room. "Aphrodite will be joining us. Since she's been gifted by Nyx with an earth affinity, we all agree that she should be on the Prefect Council, too." I held my breath, hoping that my friends would go along with this.
Thankfully, except for Nala's low growl at Duchess, no one said anything.
"How could Aphrodite be a Prefect? She is no longer a member of the Dark Daughters." Neferet's voice had gone cold.
I radiated innocence. "Did I forget to tell you? I'm so sorry, Neferet! It must have been because of all the horrible things that have happened recently. Aphrodite has rejoined the Dark Daughters. She swore to me, and to Nyx, to uphold our new code of conduct, and I allowed her back in. I mean, I thought that's what you'd wantto have her come back to our Goddess."
"That's right." Aphrodite sounded uncharacteristically subdued. "I've agreed to the new rules. I want to make up for my past mistakes."
I knew it would make Neferet look mean and spiteful if she publicly rejected Aphrodite after she'd made it obvious that she wanted to change. And Neferet was all about appearances.
The High Priestess smiled at the room in general, not looking at Aphrodite or me. "How very generous of our Zoey to accept Aphrodite back into the bosom of the Dark Daughters, especially as she'll be held responsible for Aphrodite's conduct. But then our Zoey seems to be comfortable with a great deal of responsibility." She did look at me then, and the hatred in her gaze made my breath catch in my throat. "Do be careful that you don't strangle under so much self-inflicted pressure, Zoey dear." Then, as if she'd thrown a switch, her face was filled with sweetness and light again, and she beamed at the new kid. "Welcome to the House of Night, Stark."
CHAPTER 3
"Well, uh, are you hungry?" I asked Stark after Neferet and the rest of the vamps had glided out of the cafeteria.
"Yeah, I guess," he said.
"If you hurry, you can eat with us, and then Damien can show you to your room before we have to go to the Council Meeting," I said.
"I think your dog is pretty," Jack said, leaning around Damien to get a better look at Duchess. "I mean, she's big, but she's still pretty. She won't bite, will she?"
"Not if you don't bite her first," Stark said.
"Oh, eew," Jack said. "I'd get dog hair in my mouth and that'd be nasty."
"Stark, this is Jack. He's Damien's boyfriend." I decided to get the introductions and the possible Oh, no! He's a fag! issues out of the way.
"Hi," Jack said with a really sweet smile.
"Yeah, hi," Stark said. It wasn't a hugely warm hi, but he didn't seem to be giving off any homophobe vibes.
"And this is Erin and Shaunee." I pointed to each of them in turn. "They also answer to Twin, which will make sense once you've known them for about two-point-five minutes."
"Hey, there," Shaunee said, giving him a very obvious look.
"Ditto," Erin said, giving him an identical look.
"This is Aphrodite," I said.
His slightly sarcastic smile was back. "So you're the Goddess of Love. I've heard a lot about you."
Aphrodite was looking at Stark with a weird intensity that didn't seem particularly flirtatious, but when he spoke to her, she automatically executed a truly spectacular hair flip and said, "Hi. I like it when I'm recognized."
His smile widened and got even more sarcastic as he gave a little laugh. "It'd be hard not to recognize youthe name's pretty obvious."
I watched as Aphrodite's intense look instantly dissipated and was replaced by her much more familiar public expression of snobby disdain, but before she could verbally begin to slice up the new kid, Damien spoke. "Stark, I'll show you where the trays and stuff are." He stood up and then stopped in front of Duchess, looking more than a little confused.
"No worries," Stark said. "She'll stay put. As long as no cats do anything stupid."
His gaze had shifted to Nala, who was the only cat left close to Duchess. Nala hadn't started growling again, but she was perched on my lap, staring unblinkingly at the dog, and I could feel the tension in her body.
"Nala will be good," I said, hoping she would. I really had no control over my cat. Hell, who actually had control over any cat?
"All right, then." He gave me a quick nod before telling the dog, "Duchess, stay!" Sure enough, when he followed Damien over to the main line, Duchess stayed.
"You know, dogs are a lot louder than cats," Jack said, studying Duchess like she was a science experiment.
"It's all that panting they do," Erin said.
"And they're more flatulent than cats, Twin," Shaunee said. "My mom has those ginormic standard poodles, and they are some gaseous creatures."
"Okay, well, this has really been not fun," Aphrodite said. "I'm out of here."
"Don't you want to stay around and make eyes at the new guy?" Shaunee asked in a too-nice voice.
"Yeah, and he seemed to like you so much," Erin said sweetly.
"I'll leave the new guy to you two, which is only right, being as he likes dogs so much. Zoey, come by my room when you're done with your nerd herd. I want to talk to you about something before the Council Meeting." And with a hair fling and a sneer for the Twins, she left the cafeteria.
"She's not actually as bad as she pretends to be," I told the Twins. They gave me disbelieving looks and I shrugged. "It's just that she pretends to be bad a lot."
"Well, we say please, just please, to her crappy attitude," Erin said.
"Aphrodite makes us understand why women have drowned their babies," Shaunee said.
"Just try to give Aphrodite a chance," I said. "She's started letting me in past that hateful crap she puts up. You'll see. She can be nice sometimes."
The Twins didn't say anything for a couple of seconds, then they looked at each other, and at the same time they shook their heads and rolled their eyes. I sighed again.
"But on to a much more important topic," Erin said.
"Yeah, the new hottie," Shaunee said.
"Check out his butt," Erin said.
"I wish he'd sag them jeans a little so I could get a better look," Shaunee said.
"Twin, sagging is seriously lame. It's so clichéd gang-wannabe circa 1990s. Hotties should just say no to it," Erin said.
"I'd still like to see his butt, Twin," Shaunee said. Then she glanced over at me and smiled. It was a reserved version of her old, friendly grin, but at least it wasn't the sarcastic wariness she'd been treating me with for the past couple days. "So, what do you think? Is he Christian Bale hot, or just Tobey Maguire hot?"
I wanted to burst into happy tears and yell, Yea! You guys are starting to talk to me again! Instead I acted like I had some sense and joined the Twins in checking out the new kid.
Okay, so they were right. Stark was cute. He was medium tall, not quarterback tall like my human ex-boyfriend, Heath, or abnormally gorgeous Superman tall like my fledgling-turned-vampyre ex-boyfriend, Erik. But he wasn't short, either. Actually, he was about Damien's height. He was kinda on the thin side, but I could see muscles through his old T-shirt, and his arms were definitely yummy. He had cute, messy guy hair, that sandy color between blond and brown. His face was okay, too, with a strong chin, straight nose, big brown eyes, and nice lips. So, dissected into separate parts, Stark was an okay-looking kid. As I watched him, I realized that what took him from meh to hot was his intensity and his confidence. He moved like everything he did was deliberate, but that the deliberateness was tinged with sarcasm. It was like he was a part of the world, and at the same time he was flipping it off.
And, yes, it was weird that I got that about him so quickly.
"I think he's definitely cute," I said.
"Ohmigod! I just realized who he is!" Jack gasped.
"Do tell," Shaunee said.
"He's James Stark!" Jack said.
"No shit," Erin said, rolling her eyes. "Jacky, we already know that."
"No, no, no. You don't get it. He's the James Stark who is the best archer in the whole world! Don't you remember reading about him online? He kicked butt in the track and field Summer Games this past year. Guys, he competed against grown vamps, actual Sons of Erebus, and he beat them all. He's a star . . ." Jack ended on a dreamy sigh.
"Well, shit! Slap me and call me impaired, Twin. Jacky's right!" Erin said.
"I knew his hotness was of major proportions," Shaunee said.
"Wow," I said.
"Twin, I'm gonna try to like his dog," Erin said.
"Of course we are, Twin," Shaunee said.
Naturally, all four of us were staring at Stark like total morons when he and Damien came back to the table.
"What?" he said, mouth filled with a bite of sandwich. He glanced from us down to Duchess. "Did she do something while I was gone? She kinda likes to lick toes."
"Eesh, that's," Erin began, but shut up when Shaunee kicked her under the table.
"No, Duchess was a perfect lady whilst you were gone," Shaunee said, giving Stark a very, very friendly grin.
"Good," Stark said. When everyone continued to stare at him, he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. As if on cue, Duchess moved so that she could lean against his leg and gaze up at him lovingly. I watched him relax as he automatically reached a hand down and ruffled her ears.
"I remember hearing about you beating all of those vamps in archery!" Jack blurted; then he squeezed his lips shut and blushed bright pink.
Stark didn't look up from his plate. He just shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, I'm good at archery."
"You're that fledgling?" Damien said, just now getting it. "Good at archery? You're amazing at archery!"
Stark looked up. "Whatever. It's just something I've been good at ever since I've been Marked." His eyes went from Damien to me. "Speaking of famous fledglings, I see the rumor about your extra Marks is true."
"It's true." I really hated these first meetings. It made me uncomfortable as hell when I met someone and all they could see about me was the uber-fledgling and not the real Zoey.
Then I got it. What I was feeling was probably a lot like what Stark was feeling.
I asked the first thing I could think of to get the subject away from how "special" he and I both were. "Do you like horses?"
"Horses?" The sarcastic smile was back.
"Yeah, well, you seem like you might be an animal lover," I said lamely, jerking my chin in the direction of his dog.
"Yeah, I guess I like horses. I like most animals. Except cats."
"Except cats!" Jack squeaked.
Stark shrugged again. "I've never really liked them. They're too bitchlike for my tastes."
I heard both the Twins snort.
"Cats are independent creatures," Damien began. I heard the schoolteacher lecture tone in his voice and knew my mission to change the subject had been successful. "We all know, of course, that they have been worshipped in many ancient cultures of the world, but did you know that they were also?"
"Uh, guys, sorry to interrupt," I said, standing and shifting my grip on Nala so that I wouldn't drop her on Duchess's back. "But I gotta go see what Aphrodite wants before the Council Meeting. I'll see you there, 'kay?"
"Yeah, okay."
"I guess."
"Whatever."
At least I got some sort of good-bye.
I gave Stark a friendly smile. "It was nice to meet you. If you need anything for Duchess, just let me know. There's a good Southern Ag not far from here. They carry an extra lot of cat stuff, but I'll bet they have dog stuff, too."
"I'll let you know," he said.
And then, as Damien resumed his cats-are-wonderful lecture, Stark gave me a quick wink and a nod that clearly said he appreciated my not-so-subtle subject shift. I winked back at him and was halfway to the door that led outside before I realized I was grinning like a fool instead of thinking about the fact that the last time I'd been outside, something had seemed to attack me.
I was standing in front of the big oak door like a Special Needs/Special Services student when a group of Sons of Erebus Warriors poured down the stairway that led to the staff dining room on the second floor.
"Priestess," several of them said when they caught sight of me, and the entire group paused to give me respectful bows with lovely crisp salutes, hands fisted over their muscular chests.
I returned the salute nervously.
"Priestess, allow me to get the door for you," said one of the older warriors.
"Oh, uh, thank you," I said, and then with a sudden inspiration added, "I was wondering if one of you could walk back to the dorm with me and maybe give me a list of the names of the warriors who will be assigned to guard the girls' dorm. I think it would make the guys feel more at home if we knew their names."
"That's quite considerate of you, my lady," said the older warrior, who was still holding the door for me. "I would be happy to give you a list of names."
I smiled and thanked him. All the way to the girls' dorm, he chatted courteously about the warriors who would be assigned to guard us while I nodded and made the appropriate noises and tried to sneak glances up into the quiet night sky.
Nothing flapped or chilled the air, but I couldn't get rid of the frightening feeling that someone or something was watching me.
CHAPTER 4
I had barely touched my door handle when it was pulled open and Aphrodite grabbed my wrist. "Would you get your butt in here? Shit, you are slow as a fat kid on crutches, Zoey." She pulled me into the room and slammed the door firmly behind us.
"I'm not slow, and you have a whole hell of a lot of explaining to do," I said. "How did you get in here? Where is Stevie Rae? When did your Mark come back? What?" My tirade of questions was cut off by a loud, insistent tapping that was coming from my window.
"First of all, you're a moron. It's the House of Night not Tulsa Public Schools. No one locks their doors, so I walked right in your room. Second, Stevie Rae is over there." Aphrodite breezed past me as she hurried to the window. I just stood there staring at her while she pulled back the thick drapes and started unlatching the heavy leaded-glass windowpane. She gave me an irritated look over her shoulder. "Hello! A little help would be nice."
Utterly confused, I joined her at the window. It took both of us to wrench it open. I gazed out from the top floor of the old raw stone building that looked more like a castle than like a dorm. The late December night was still cold and dreary, and it was now making a halfhearted attempt at rain. I could just see the east wall through the darkness and the shrouding trees. I shivered, but fledglings rarely feel cold, and it wasn't the weather giving me the chills. It was a glimpse of the east walla place of power and mayhem. Beside me, Aphrodite sighed and leaned forward so she could peek out the window and down the wall. "Stop messing around and get in here. You're going to get caught, and more importantly, the humidity is going to frizz my hair."
When Stevie Rae's head bobbed up into view, I almost peed on myself.
"Hi, Z!" she said cheerfully. "Check out my new ultracool climbing abilities."
"Ohmygod. Get. In. Here." Aphrodite reached through the open window, grabbed one of Stevie Rae's hands, and yanked. Like she was a balloon, Stevie Rae popped into the room. Aphrodite quickly closed the window and pulled shut the drapes.
I closed my flapping open mouth, but continued to stare as Stevie Rae stood up, brushing off her Roper jeans and retucking her long-sleeved shirt into them.
"Stevie Rae," I finally managed. "Did you just crawl up the side of the dorm?"
"Yep!" She grinned at me, nodding her head so that her short blond curls bounced around like a crazed cheerleader's. "Cool, huh? It's like I'm a part of the stones that the building's made of, and I get all weightless, and, well, here I am." She held out her hands.
"Like Dracula," I said, and knew I'd spoken my thought out loud only when Stevie Rae frowned and said, "What's like Dracula?"
I sat down heavily on the end of my bed. "In the book, Dracula, the old one by Bram Stoker," I explained, "Jonathan Harker says he sees Dracula crawling down the side of his castle."
"Oh, yeah, I can do that. When you said 'like Dracula,' I thought you meant I looked like Draculaall kinda creepy and pale with bad hair and those long, nasty fingernails. That's not what you meant, was it?"
"No, you look great, actually." I was definitely telling her the truth. Stevie Rae did look great, especially compared to how she'd been looking (and acting and smelling) the past month. She looked like Stevie Rae again, before my best friend's body had rejected the Change and she'd died almost exactly one month ago, and then, somehow, come back from the dead. But she'd been differentbroken. Her humanity had been almost completely lost, and she wasn't the only kid it had happened to. There was a pack of nasty undead dead kids lurking around the old Prohibition tunnels beneath Tulsa's downtown abandoned depot. Stevie Rae had almost become one of themmean, hateful, and dangerous. Her Goddess-given affinity with the element earth was all that had helped her retain any bit of herself, but it hadn't been enough. She'd been slipping away. So, with the help of Aphrodite (who had also been given an affinity for the element earth), I'd cast a circle and asked Nyx to heal Stevie Rae.
And the Goddess had, but during that healing process, it seemed like Aphrodite had had to die to save Stevie Rae's humanity. Thankfully, that hadn't been true. Instead of dying, Aphrodite's Mark had disappeared as Stevie Rae's Mark had miraculously been colored in and expanded, showing that she had completed her Change into vampyre. Except to add to the general confusion, Stevie Rae's tattoo hadn't appeared in the traditional color of sapphire, as all adult vampyre Marks are colored. Stevie Rae's Mark was bright scarletthe color of new blood.
"Uh, hello. Earth to Zoey. Anybody home in there?" Aphrodite's smart-alecky voice cut through my mental babble. "Better check your BFF. She's kinda losing it."
I blinked. Even though I'd been gawking at Stevie Rae, I hadn't been seeing her. She was standing in the middle of the roomwhat used to be our room up until a month ago, when her death had completely and utterly changed everything foreverstaring around her with big tear-filled eyes.
"Oh, honey, I'm sorry." I hurried to her and gave Stevie Rae a hug. "It must be hard for you to be back here." She felt stiff and odd in my arms, and I pulled away a little so that I could look at her.
The expression on her face chilled my blood. The teary-eyed shock had been replaced by anger. I wondered for an instant why her anger looked familiarStevie Rae rarely got pissed. And then I realized what I was recognizing. Stevie Rae looked like she had before I'd cast the circle and she'd been given back her humanity. I took a step away from her.
"Stevie Rae? What's wrong?"
"Where's my stuff?" Her voice, like her face, was just plain mean.
"Honey," I said gently. "The vamps take a fledgling's stuff away when she, uh, dies."
Stevie Rae turned narrowed eyes on me. "I'm not dead."
Aphrodite moved so that she was standing beside me. "Hey, don't get all mental on us. The vamps think you're dead, remember?"
"But don't worry," I said quickly. "I made them give me back a bunch of your things. And I know where the rest of your stuff is. I can get it all back if you want it."
And just like that, the meanness vanished and I was looking at my best friend again. "Even my lamp made outta a cowboy boot?"
"Even that," I said, smiling at her. Hell, I'd be pissed, too, if someone had taken all my stuff.
Aphrodite said, "You'd think if someone died, at least their shitty non-fashion fashion sense would change. But no. Your bad taste is fucking immortal."
"Aphrodite," Stevie Rae told her firmly, "you really should be nicer."
"And I say whatever to you and your countrified Mary Poppins outlook on life," Aphrodite said.
"Mary Poppins was British. Which means she wasn't countrified," Stevie Rae said smugly.
Stevie Rae sounded so much like her old self that I gave a little happy shout and threw my arms around her again. "I'm so darn glad to see you! You're really okay now, aren't you?"
"Kinda different, but okay," Stevie Rae said, hugging me back.
I felt an amazing wash of relief that drowned out the kinda different part of what she'd said. I guess I was just so glad to see her, whole and herself again, that I had to hold that knowledge safe and special inside myself for a while, and that need didn't let me consider that there could be any leftover problems with Stevie Rae. Plus, I remembered something else. "Hang on," I said suddenly. "How did you guys get back on campus without the warriors going crazy?"
"Zoey, you really gotta start paying attention to the stuff that's going on around you," Aphrodite said. "I walked through the front gate. The alarm's down, which I imagine makes sense. I mean, I got the same school notification call on my cell about winter break being over I bet everyone else who was away from campus got. Neferet had to unzap this place or she'd go insane dealing with all the alarms the returning students would set off, not to mention the zillions of delicious Sons of Erebus who are descending on this place like yummy presents for us students."
"Don't you mean all the alarms would make Neferet go more insane than she already is?"
"Yes, Neferet is definitely batshit crazy," Aphrodite said, for an instant in complete agreement with Stevie Rae. "Anyway, the alarm's gone, even for humans."
"Huh? Even for humans? How do you know that?" I asked.
Aphrodite sighed, and with a weirdly slow motionlike movement, she brought the back of her hand up and wiped it across her forehead, causing the outline of the crescent moon to smear and partially rub off.
I gasped. "Oh, god, Aphrodite! You're . . ." My words sputtered out as my mouth refused to say it.
"Human," Aphrodite supplied for me in a flat, cold voice.
"How? I mean, are you sure?"
"I'm sure. Damn sure," she said.
"Uh, Aphrodite, even though you're human, you're definitely not a normal human," Stevie Rae said.
"What does that mean?" I asked.
Aphrodite shrugged. "Doesn't mean shit to me."
Stevie Rae sighed. "You know, you're lucky you turned into a human and not a wooden boy, 'cause with all the lying you're doin', your nose would be like a mile long."
Aphrodite shook her head in disgust. "Again with the bad G-rated movie analogy. I don't know why I couldn't have just died and gone to hell. At least I wouldn't be bombarded with Disney there."
"Would you just tell me what the hell's going on?" I said.
"Better explain it to her. She's almost cussing," Aphrodite said snidely.
"You're so hateful. I should have eaten you when I was dead," Stevie Rae said.
"You should have eaten your countrified mom when you were dead," Aphrodite said, bowing up like she thought she was black. "No wonder Zoey needs a new BFF. You're totally a Pollyanna pain in the ass."
"Zoey does not need a new BFF!" Stevie Rae yelled, turning on Aphrodite and taking a step toward her. For an instant, I thought I saw her blue eyes start to flash the ugly red that illuminated them when she was undead and out of control.
Feeling like my head was going to explode, I stepped between them. "Aphrodite, stop messing with Stevie Rae!"
"Then you better check your friend." Aphrodite walked to the mirror that was over my sink, grabbed a Kleenex, and started to wipe what was left of the smeared crescent from her forehead. I noticed that for all her nonchalant tone, her hands were shaking.
I turned back to Stevie Rae, whose eyes were once again a familiar blue.
"Sorry, Z," she said, smiling like a guilty kid. "I guess two days with Aphrodite has gotten on my nerves."
Aphrodite snorted and I looked over at her. "Just don't start again," I said.
"Fine, whatever." Our eyes met in the mirror, and I was almost sure I saw fear in Aphrodite's gaze. Then she went back to work fixing her face.
Feeling utterly confused, I tried to pick up where the conversation had gotten way weird. "So, what's the deal with you saying Aphrodite isn't normal? And I don't mean her abnormally bad attitude," I hastily added.
"Easy-peasy," Stevie Rae said. "Aphrodite still has visions, and visions aren't normal for humans." She gave Aphrodite a so there look. "Go ahead. Tell Zoey."
Aphrodite turned from the mirror and sat on the little stool I kept close by. She ignored Stevie Rae and said, "Yeah, I still have my visions. Whoop-tee-fucking-do. The only thing I didn't like about being a fledgling is the only thing I get to keep now that I'm a stupid human again."