The choice was clear.
Fuck that; there was no choice. Bella didnt know what he was, and it would kill her to find out the family lie. And she wouldnt be the only casualty. His mother would fall apart. Xhex would be livid and get herself murdered trying to save him. Trez and iAm would do the same.
The whole house of cards would fall.
Compulsively, he grabbed a bright gold bar of soap from the ceramic holder mounted on the wall and worked a froth up between his palms. The shit he used on himself wasnt some kind of fancy milled stuff. It was rotgut Dial, a disinfectant that was like a pavement grader over the skin.
His whores used the same. It was what he stocked in their shower rooms, at their request.
His rule was three times. Three times he went up and down his arms and his legs, his pecs and his abs, his neck and his shoulders. Three times he dipped between his thighs, soaping up his cock and sac. The ritual was stupid, but such were compulsions. He could have used up three dozen Dial bars and still felt vile.
Funny, his whores were always surprised at the way they got treated. Each time a new one came on, they expected to have to sex him up as part of their employment, and they were always prepared to be beaten. Instead, they got their own private dressing room with a shower, reliable hours, security that never, ever touched them, and this thing called respect-which meant they chose their johns, and if the fuckers who paid for the privilege of being with them messed up even a hair of theirs, all they had to do was say the word and a mountain of shit fell on the offender.
More than once, hed had one of the women show up at his office door and ask to speak with him privately. It usually happened about a month into her tenure, and what she said was always the same and always spoken with a kind of confusion that, had he been a normal, would have broken his heart:
Thank you.
He wasnt big on hugging, but hed been known to pull them into his arms and hold on to them for a short breath. None of them knew that it wasnt because he was a nice guy; it was because he was one of them. The hard reality was that life had put them all where they didnt want to be, namely on their backs for people they didnt want to be fucking. Yes, there were some who didnt mind the job, but like everyone, they didnt always want to be working. And God knew the johns always showed up.
Just like his blackmailer.
Getting out of the shower was pure, undiluted hell, and he put off the deep freeze as long as he could, huddling under the spray while he argued with himself over the evac. As the debate continued, he heard the water tinkling against the marble and chattering down the brass drain, but his numbed-out body felt nothing except a slight easing of his inner Alaska. When the hot water ran out, he knew only because his shivering got worse and the beds of his fingernails went from pale gray to deep blue.
He toweled off on the way to the bed and shot under the mink duvet as fast as he could.
Just as he was yanking the covers up to his throat, his phone beeped. Another voice mail.
Fucking Grand Central with his phone tonight.
Checking his missed calls, he found the latest was from his mother, and he sat up quickly, even though the vertical shift meant his chest went bare. Lady that she was, she never called, not wanting to interrupt his work.
He hit some buttons, put in his password, and got ready to delete the wrong numbers confused message which would come up first.
Your call from 518-blah-blah-blah He hit the pound key to shoot past the ID shit and got ready to punch seven to get rid of the thing.
His finger was on the way down just as a female voice said, Hi, I-
That voicethat voice wasEhlena?
Fuck!
Voice mail was inexorable, however, and didnt give a shit that a message from her was the last thing hed choose to erase. As he cursed, the system churned on until he heard his mothers soft voice in the Old Language.
Greetings, dearest son, I hope you fare well. Please excuse the intrusion, but I was wondering if you might stop by the house for a moment over the next couple of days? There is a matter about which I must speak to you. I love you. Good-bye, mine blooded firstborn.
Rehv frowned. So formal, the verbal equivalent of a thoughtful note written in her beautiful hand, but the request was out of character, and that gave it an urgency. Except he was screwed-bad choice of words. Tomorrow evening was a no-go because of his date, so it would have to be the night after, assuming he was well enough.
He called the house, and when one of her doggen picked up, he told the maid hed be there Wednesday night as soon as the sun went down.
Sire, if I may, the servant said. Verily, I am glad you are coming.
Whats going on? When there was a long pause, his inner chill got worse. Talk to me.
She is The voice on the other end grew rough. She is as lovely as ever, but we are all glad you are coming. If you will excuse me, I shall deliver your message.
The line went dead. In the back of his mind, he had a sense as to what it was, but he studiously ignored the conviction. He just couldnt go there. Absolutely couldnt.
Besides, maybe it was nothing. Paranoia, after all, was a side effect of too much dopamine, and God knew he was doing more than his fair share. He would go to the safe house as soon as he was able, and she would be fine-Wait, the winter solstice. That had to be what it was. No doubt she wanted to plan festivities that included Bella and Z and the young, as it would be Nallas first solstice ritual, and his mother took that kind of thing very seriously. She might live on this side, but the Chosen traditions she had been born into were still very much a part of her.
That was totally it.
Relieved, he put Ehlenas number into his addy book and hit her back.
All he could think about as the phone rang, aside from, Pick up, pick up, pick up, was that he hoped like hell she was okay. Which was nuts. Like she would ever call him if she were in trouble?
So why had she-
Hello?
The sound of her voice in his ear did something the hot shower, the mink throw, and the eighty-degree ambient air temperature couldnt. Warmth spread out from his chest, beating back the numbness and the cold, suffusing him withlife.
He extinguished the lights so he could concentrate all he had on her.
Rehvenge? she said after a moment.
He eased back down onto his pillows and smiled in the dark. Hi.
TWELVE
Theres blood on your shirtand-oh, God-your pant leg. Wrath, what happened?
Standing in his study at the Brotherhood mansion, facing his beloved shellan, Wrath pulled the two halves of his biker jacket more tightly across his chest, and thought, well, at least hed washed the lesser blood from his hands.
Beths voice dropped. How much of what Im looking at is yours.
She was as beautiful as she had always been to him, the one female he wanted, the only mate for him. In her jeans and her black turtleneck, with her dark hair down around her shoulders, she was the most attractive thing hed ever seen. Still.
Wrath.
Not all of it. The cut on his shoulder had no doubt leaked all over his wife-beater, but hed held the civilian male to his chest as well, so the males blood had no doubt mixed with his own.
Unable to keep still, he walked around the study, going from the desk to the windows and back. The rug his shitkickers crossed was blue, gray, and cream, an Aubusson whose colors matched the pale blue walls and whose curvilinear swirls played off the delicate Louis XIV furniture, fixtures, and swirly moldings.
Hed never really appreciated the decor. And he didnt start now.
Wrathhow did it get there. Beths hard tone told him she knew the answer already, but was hoping there was another explanation.
Manning up, he turned to face the love of his life across the expanse of the frilly-ass room. Im fighting again.
Youre what?
Im fighting.
As Beth went silent, he was glad the study door was closed. He saw the math she was doing in her head and knew the sum of what she was pulling together added up to one and only one thing: She was thinking about all those nights up north with Phury and the Chosen. All those times hed worn long-sleeved, bruise-hiding shirts to bed because he had a chill. All the Im limping because I worked out too hard excuses.
Youre fighting. She plugged her hands into the pockets of her jeans, and even though he couldnt see a hell of a lot, he knew damn well that black turtleneck was a perfect complement to her stare. Just to clarify. Is this as in, youre going to start fighting. Or have been fighting.
That was a rhetorical, but clearly she wanted him to present the full lie. Have been. For the last couple of months.
Anger and hurt rolled off her, spilling toward him, smelling to him of scorched wood and burned plastic.
Look, Beth, I have to-
You have to be honest with me, she said sharply. Thats what you have to do.
I didnt expect to be going out for more than a month or two-
A month or two! How the hell long- She cleared her throat and lowered her voice. How long have you been doing this?
When he told her, she went quiet again. Then, Since August? August.
He wished she would let loose with her temper. Yell at him. Call him a cocksucker. Im sorry. IShit, Im really sorry.
She didnt say anything else, and the scent of her emotions drifted away, dispersed by the hot air blowing up through the heating vents on the floor. Out in the hall, a doggen was vacuuming, the sound of the carpet attachment whirring up and back, up and back. In the silence between them, that normal, everyday sound was something he clung to-the kind of thing you heard all the time and rarely noticed because you were busy dealing with paperwork, or distracted by the fact that you were peckish, or trying to decide whether you wanted to decompress by watching TV or hitting the gym It was a safe sound.
And during this devastating moment in his mating, he hung on to the Dysons lullaby with a death grip, wondering if he was ever going to be lucky enough to ignore it again.
It never occurred to me She cleared her throat once more. It never occurred to me that there was something you couldnt talk to me about. Ive always assumed that you were telling meeverything you could.
As she stopped talking, he was chilled to the bone. Her voice was now the one she used to answer wrong numbers on the phone: She addressed him as if he were a stranger, without warmth or particular interest.
Look, Beth, I have to be out there. I have to-
She shook her head and raised her hand to stop him. This isnt about you fighting.
Beth stared up at him for a heartbeat. Then she turned and went for the double doors.
Beth. Was that strangled croak his voice?
No, leave me alone. I need some space.
Beth, listen, we dont have enough fighters in the field-
Its not the fighting! She wheeled around and faced off at him. You lied to me. Lied. And not just once, but for four months straight.
Wrath wanted to argue, to defend himself, to point out that hed lost track of time, that those 120 nights and days had flown by at the speed of light, that all hed been doing was putting one foot in front of the other in front of the first, going minute by minute, hour by hour, trying to keep the race afloat, trying to keep the lessers back. He hadnt meant it to go on for so long. He hadnt set out to deceive her for that long.
Just answer me one thing, she said. One thing. And it had better be the truth or, so help me, God, Im going to She put her palm to her mouth, catching a soft sob in her gentle hand. Honestly, Wrathdid you honestly think you were going to stop? In your heart, did you truly think you were going to-
He swallowed hard as her words choked off.
Wrath took a deep breath. In the course of his life, he had been wounded many, many times. But nothing, no pain ever inflicted upon him, hurt a fraction of what answering her felt like.
No. He inhaled again. No, I dont thinkI was going to stop.
Who talked to you tonight. Who was the one who made you decide to tell me.
Vishous.
I should have known. Hes probably the only person other than Tohr who could have Beth crossed her arms around herself, and he would have given his dagger hand to have him being the one holding her. Your being out there fighting scares the shit out of me, but you forget something I mated you without knowing that the king isnt supposed to be in the field. I was prepared to stand by you even though it terrified mebecause fighting in this war is in your nature and in your blood. You fool- Her voice cracked. You fool, I would have let you do it. But instead-
Beth-
She cut him off. Remember that night you went out at the beginning of the summer? When you stepped in to save Z and then stayed downtown and fought with the others?
He sure as hell did. When hed come back home, hed chased her up the stairs and theyd had sex on the rug in the second-floor sitting room. A number of times. Hed kept the cutoffs hed ripped from her hips as a souvenir.
Jesuscome to think of itthat was the last time they had been together.
You told me only for one night, she said. One night. Only. You swore to it, and I trusted you.
ShitIm sorry.
Four months. She shook her head, her gorgeous dark hair swinging around her shoulders, catching the light so beautifully even his piss-poor eyes registered its glory. You know what hurts the most? That the Brothers knew and I didnt. Ive always accepted this secret-society stuff, understood that there are things I cant know-
They didnt have a clue either. Okay, Butch had known, but there was no reason to throw him under the bus. V only found out tonight.
She wobbled, steadying herself against the pale blue walls. Youve been going out alone?
Yes. He reached out for her arm, but she tore it away from him. Beth-
She yanked open the door. Dont touch me.
The thing clapped shut behind her.
Rage at himself had Wrath spinning toward his desk, and the instant he saw all the papers, all the requests, all the complaints, all the problems, it was like someone hooked jumper cables up to his shoulder blades and hit him with a charge. He shot forward, swept his arms across the top, and sent the shit flying everywhere.
As papers fluttered down like snow, he took off his sunglasses and rubbed his eyes, a headache spearing into his frontal lobe. Robbed of breath, he stumbled around, finding his chair by feel and collapsing into the damn thing. With a ragged grunt, he let his head fall back. These stress headaches were becoming a daily occurrence lately, wiping him out and lingering like a flu that refused to be cured.
Beth. His Beth
When he heard a knock, he gave the f-word a workout.
The knock came again.
What, he barked.
Rhage put his head around the jamb, then froze. Ah
What.
Yeah, wellAh, going by the door slamming-and, wow, the stiff wind that clearly just blew by your desk-do you still want to meet with us?
Oh, Godhow was he going to get through another one of these conversations.
Then again, maybe he should have thought about that before hed decided to lie to his nearest and dearest.
My lord? Rhages voice became gentle. Do you want to see the Brotherhood?
No. Yes.
You need Phury on speakerphone?
Yeah. Listen, I dont want the boys in this meeting. Blay, John, Qhuinntheyre not invited.
Figured. Hey, how about I help you clean up?
Wrath looked down at the carpet of paperwork. Ill deal with it.
Hollywood proved he had half a brain by not offering again or pulling an are-you-sure. He just ducked out and shut the door.
Across the way, the grandfather clock in the corner tolled. It was yet another familiar sound Wrath didnt hear on a regular basis, but now, as he sat alone in the study, the chimes rang out as if they were broadcast over concert speakers.
He dropped his hands onto the arms of the spindly, fragile chair, and they dwarfed the supports. The piece of furniture was more on the scale of something a female would perch on to take off her stockings at the end of the night.
It was not a throne. Which was why he used it.
He hadnt wanted to accept the crown on many levels, having been king by birthright but not inclination or actuality for three hundred years. But then Beth had come along and things had changed and hed finally gone to the Scribe Virgin.
That had been two years ago. Two springs and two summers and two autumns and two winters.
Hed had great plans back then, in the beginning. Great, wonderful plans for bringing the Brotherhood together, getting everyone under one roof, consolidating forces, shoring up against the Lessening Society. Winning.
Saving.
Reclaiming.
Instead, the glymera had been slaughtered. More civilians were dead. And there were even fewer Brothers.
They hadnt made progress. Theyd lost ground.
Rhage poked his head in again. Were all still out here.
Goddamn it, I told you I needed some-
The grandfather clock chimed again, and as Wrath listened to the number of beats, he realized hed been sitting by himself for an hour.
He rubbed his aching eyes. Give me another minute.
Whatever you need, my lord. Just take your time.
THIRTEEN
As Rehvenges hi came through the phone, Ehlena sat up from the pillow shed been lying against and swallowed back a holy crap except then she wondered why she was so surprised. Shed called him, and the textbook way people handled those kind of things waswell, hey, they called you back. Wow.
Hi, she said.
I didnt answer your call only because I didnt know the number.
Man, his voice was sexy. Deep. Low. Like a males should be.
In the silence that followed, she thought, and she had called him why? Oh, right. I wanted to follow up about your appointment. When I did your discharge papers, I noticed that you received nothing for your arm.
Ah.
The pause that followed was one she couldnt interpret. Maybe he was pissed she was interfering? I just want to make sure youre okay.
Do you do this with patients a lot?
Yes, she lied.
Havers know youre checking his work?
Did he even look at your veins?
Rehvenges laugh was low. I would rather you had called for a different reason.
I dont understand, she said tightly.
What? That someone might want to have something to do with you outside of work? Youre not blind. Youve seen yourself in mirrors. And surely you know youre smart, so its not all just pretty window dressing.
As far as she was concerned, he was speaking in a foreign language. I dont understand why youre not taking care of yourself.
Hmmm. He laughed softly, and she felt the purr as well as heard it in her ear. Ohso maybe this is a pretense just so I can see you again.
Look, the only reason I called was-
Because you needed an excuse. You shut me down in the exam room, but really wanted to talk to me. So you called about my arm to get me on the phone. And now you have me. That voice dropped even lower. Do I get to pick what you do with me?
She stayed quiet. Until he said, Hello?
Are you finished? Or do you want to run around in circles a little longer, reading into what Im doing here?
There was a beat of silence, and then he broke out in a rich baritone belly laugh. I knew there was more than one reason I liked you.
She refused to be charmed. And was anyway. I called about your arm. Period. My fathers nurse just left, and she and I were talking about his
She clammed up as she realized what shed revealed, feeling like shed tripped on the conversational equivalent of an untacked carpet edge.
Go on, he said with gravity. Please.
Ehlena? Ehlena
Are you there, Ehlena?
Later, much later, she would reflect that those four words were the precipice. Are you there, Ehlena?
Truly it was the beginning of everything that followed, the starting line of a harrowing journey disguised in the form of a simple question.
She was glad she didnt know where it would take her. Because sometimes the only thing that got you through hell was that you were in too deep to pull out.
While Rehv waited for a response, his fist tightened on the cell phone so hard, it cranked in toward his cheek and one of the keys let out a beep of, Hey, man, lay off a little.
The electronic curse seemed to break the spell for them both.
Sorry, he muttered.
Its okay. I, ah
You were saying?
He didnt expect her to answer, but thenshe did. My fathers nurse and I were talking about a cut hes having trouble with, and thats what made me think of your arm.
Your father is ill?
Yes.
Rehv waited for more, trying to decide whether prompting her would shut her up-but she solved the issue.
Some of the medications he takes make him unsteady, so he bumps into things and doesnt always know hes hurt himself. Its a problem.
Im sorry. Caring for him must be hard on you.
Im a nurse.
And a daughter.
So it was clinical. When I called you.
Rehv smiled. Let me ask you something.
Me first. Why wont you get your arm looked at? And dont tell me Havers saw those veins. If he had, he would have prescribed you antibiotics, and if you refused them there would have been a note in your chart that youd pulled an AMA. Look, all you need to treat it is some pills, and I know youre not medicine phobic. You take a hell of a lot of dopamine.
If you were worried about my arm, why didnt you just talk to me at the clinic?
I did, remember.
Not like this. Rehv smiled in the dark and ran his hand up and down the mink duvet. He couldnt feel it, but he imagined the pelts were as soft as her hair. I still think you wanted to get me on the phone.
The pause that followed made him worry she was going to pull out of the call.
He sat up, like getting vertical would keep her from hitting her end button. Im only sayingwell, shit, my point is, Im glad you called. Whatever the reason.
I didnt talk to you at the clinic about it any further because you left before I entered Haverss notes into the computer. Thats when it all sank in.
He still wasnt buying that the call was completely professional. She could have e-mailed him. She could have told the doctor. Could have turfed it to one of the day nurses to follow up.
So theres no chance you feel bad for slamming me down as hard as you did?
She cleared her throat. I am sorry for that.
Well, I forgive you. Totally. Completely. You looked like you were not having a great night.
Her exhale was exhaustion made manifest. Yeah, it wasnt my best.
Why?
Another long pause. You are much better over the phone, you know that?
He laughed. Much better how?
Easier to talk to. Youre actuallypretty easy to talk to.
I do okay with the one-on-one.
Abruptly he frowned, thinking of the bookie hed tuned up out in the office. Shit, that poor bastard was just one in a huge number of drug dealers and Vegas lackeys and bartenders and pimps hed beaten into conversating over the years. His philosophy had always been that confession was good for the soul, especially when it came to scumbags who thought he wouldnt notice they were fucking him. His management style also sent an important message in a business where weakness got you killed: Back-alley commerce required a strong hand, and hed always believed that was just the reality in which he lived.
Now though, in this quiet time, with Ehlena so close, he felt like his one-on-ones were something to apologize for and conceal.
So why was tonight not so good? he asked, desperate to shut himself the fuck up.
My father. And thenwell, I got stood up.
Rehv frowned so hard he actually felt a slight sting between his eyes. For a date?
Yeah.
He hated the idea of her out with another male. And yet envied the motherfucker, whoever he was. What an ass. Im sorry, but what an ass.
Ehlena laughed, and he loved everything about the sound, especially the way his body warmed a little more in response. Man, to hell with a hot shower. That soft, quiet chuckle was what he needed.
Are you smiling, he said softly.
Yeah. I mean, I guess. How did you know?
Was just hoping you were.
Well, you can be kind of charming. Quickly, as if to cover up the compliment, she said, The date wasnt a big deal or anything. I didnt know him that well. It was just coffee.
But you ended the night on the phone with me. Which is so much better.
She laughed again. Well, I wont ever know what its like to go out with him.
You wont?
I justwell, I thought about it, and I dont think dating is a good idea for me right now. His surge of triumph was sacked when she tacked on, With anyone.
Hm.
Hm? What does hm mean?
It means I have your phone number.
Ah, yes, you do- Her voice caught as he shifted around. Wait, are youin bed?
Yeah. And before you go any farther, you dont want to know.
I dont want to know what?
How much Im not wearing.
Er As she hesitated, he knew she was smiling again. And probably blushing. I so wont ask.
Wise of you. Its just me and the sheets-oops, did I just spill that?
Yes. Yes, you did. Her voice got a little lower, as if she were imagining him naked. And not minding the mental pinup in the slightest.
Ehlena He stopped himself, his symphath urges giving him the self-control to slow down. Yes, Rehv wanted her as naked as he was. But even more than that, he wanted her on the phone.
What? she said.
Your fatherhas he been ill for long?
I, ahyes, yes, he has. Hes schizophrenic. Weve got him on meds now, though, and hes better.
Goddamn. Thats got to be really difficult. Because hes there but hes not there, right.
Yesthats exactly what it feels like.
It was kind of the way he went through life, his symphath side a constant, other reality that dogged him as he tried to get through the nights as a normal.
So do you mind if I ask, she said with care, what you need the dopamine for? Theres no immediate diagnosis in your medical record.
Probably because Havers has been treating me forever.
Ehlena laughed awkwardly. Guess that must be why.
Shit, what the hell did he tell her.
The symphath in him said, Whatever, just lie to her. Trouble was, from out of nowhere there was another competing voice in his brain, one that was unfamiliar and faint, but utterly compelling. Because he had no idea what it was, however, he led with his routine.
I have Parkinsons. Or the vampire equivalent of it, as it were.
OhIm sorry. Thats the cane you use, then.
My balance is bad.
The dopamines doing you well, though. You have almost no tremors.
That quiet voice in his head morphed into an odd ache in the center of his chest, and for a moment he dropped pretense and actually spoke the truth. I have no idea what I would do without that drug.
My fathers medications have been a miracle.
Are you his sole caretaker? When she mm-hmed, he asked, Where is the rest of your family?
Its just him and me.
So youre carrying a hell of a burden.
Well, I love him. And if the roles were reversed, he would do the same. Its what parents and children do for each other.
Not always. Clearly you come from good people. Before he could stop himself, he continued, But thats why youre lonely, isnt it. You get guilty if you leave him even for an hour, except if you stay home you cant ignore the fact that your life is passing you by. Youre trapped and screaming, but you wouldnt change a thing.