He smiled. Will you bring me to the aquarium one time so I can watch you feed the otters?
If you want, I might even be able to let you feed them.
Really? Jonahs voice rose with excitement.
I think so. Ill have to ask, of course, but they let some of the student groups do it, so I dont think it would be a problem.
His little face lit up. Wow. Thanks. Then, getting up from the rocking chair, he added,
Oh, by the way, you owe me ten bucks.
For what?
Hello? For not telling Dad about what Will and you were doing. Duh.
Are you serious? Even though Im going to make you dinner?
Come on. You work and Im poor.
You obviously think I earn far more than I do. I dont have ten dollars. Everything Ive earned has gone to help pay for my lawyer.
He thought about that. How about five, then?
Youd take five dollars from me even though I just told you I dont even have ten dollars to my name? Ronnie feigned outrage.
He thought about that. How about two?
How about one?
He smiled. Deal.
After making Jonah his dinnerhe wanted the hot dogs boiled, not microwavedRonnie headed down the beach, toward the church. It wasnt far, but it lay in the opposite direction from the route she usually walked, and shed barely noticed it the few times shed passed it.
As she approached, she saw the outlines of the spire silhouetted against the evening sky.
Other than that, the church disappeared into its surroundings, mostly because it was so much smaller than either of the homes flanking it and had none of the expensive details. The walls were made of clapboard siding, and despite the new construction, the place already looked weathered.
She had to climb over the dune to reach the parking lot on the street side, and here there was more evidence of recent activity: an overflowing Dumpster, a fresh stack of plywood by the door, and a large work van parked near the entrance. The front door was propped open, illuminated by a soft cone of light, though the rest of the building looked dark.
She walked toward the entrance and stepped inside. Looking around, she could see that the place had a long way to go. The floor was concrete, the drywall looked only half-complete, and there were no seats or pews. Dust coated every exposed two-by-four, yet straight ahead, where Ronnie could imagine Pastor Harris preaching on Sundays, her father was sitting behind a new piano that looked utterly out of place. An old aluminum lamp attached to an extension cord provided the only illumination.
He hadnt heard her come in, and he continued to play, though she didnt recognize the song. It seemed almost contemporary, unlike the music he usually played, but even to her ears it sounded unfinished somehow. Her dad seemed to realize the same thing because he stopped for a moment, appeared to think of something new, and started over from the beginning.
This time, she heard the subtle variations he made. They were an improvement, but the melody still wasnt right. She felt a rush of pride that she still had the ability not only to interpret music, but to imagine possible variations. When she was younger, it was this talent above all else that had amazed her father.
He started over again, making further changes, and as she watched him, she knew he was happy. Though music wasnt part of her life anymore, it had always been part of his, and she suddenly felt guilty for taking that away from him. Looking back, she remembered being angry at the thought that he was trying to get her to play, but had he really been trying to do that? Had it really been about her? Or had he played because it was an essential aspect of who he was?
She wasnt sure, but watching him, she felt moved by what hed done. The serious way he considered every note and the ease with which he made changes made her realize how much hed given up as a result of her childish demand.
As he played, he coughed once, then again, before stopping the song. He coughed some more, the sound thick and mucousy, and when it continued unabated, she broke into a run to reach him.
Dad? she cried. Are you okay?
He looked up, and for some reason, the coughing began to subside. By the time she bent down next to him, he was only wheezing slightly.
Im okay, he said, his voice weak. Theres so much dust in hereit just gets to me after a while. It happens every time.
She stared at him, thinking he looked a little pale. Are you sure thats it?
Yeah, Im sure. He patted her hand. What are you doing here?
Jonah told me you were here.
I guess you caught me, huh?
She waved it off. Its okay, Dad. Its a gift, right?
When he didnt respond, she motioned to the keyboard, remembering all the songs theyd written together. What was that you were playing? Are you writing a new song?
Oh, that, he said. Trying to write one is more like it. Its just something Ive been working on. No big deal.
It was good
No, it wasnt. I dont know whats wrong with it. You mightyou were always better at composing than I wasbut I just cant seem to get it right. Its like Im doing everything backwards.
It was good, she insisted. And it was more modern than what you usually play.
He smiled. You noticed that, huh? It didnt start out that way. To be honest, I dont know whats happening to me.
Maybe youve been listening to my iPod.
He smiled. No, I can assure you that I havent.
She looked around her. So whens the church going to be finished?
I dont know. I think I told you that the insurance didnt cover all the damageits stalled for the time being.
What about the window?
Im still going to finish it. He pointed to a plywood-covered opening in the wall behind him. Thats where itll go, even if I have to install it myself.
You know how to do that? Ronnie asked in disbelief.
Not yet.
She smiled. Why is there a piano here? If the church isnt finished? Arent you worried its going to get stolen?
It wasnt supposed to be delivered until the church was finished, and technically, its not supposed to be in here. Pastor Harris hopes to find someone whos willing to store it, but with no completion date in sight, its not as easy as it sounds. He turned to peek out the doorway and seemed surprised that night had fallen. What time is it?
Its a little after nine.
Oh, geez, he said, starting to rise. I didnt realize the time. Im supposed to camp out with Jonah tonight. And I should probably get him something to eat.
Already taken care of.
He smiled, but as he gathered up his sheet music and turned out the light in the church, she was struck by how tired and frail he looked.
25Steve
Ronnie was right, he thought. The song was definitely modern.
He hadnt been lying when hed told her that it hadnt started out that way. In the first week, hed tried to approximate something by Schumann; for a few days after that, hed been inspired more by Grieg. After that, it was Saint-Saëns he heard in his head. But in the end nothing felt right; nothing he did captured the same feeling hed had when hed recorded those first simple notes on a scrap of paper.
In the past, he worked to create music that he fantasized would live for generations. This time, he didnt. Instead, he experimented. He tried to let the music present itself, and little by little, he realized hed stopped trying to echo the great composers and was content to finally trust himself. Not that he was there yet, because he wasnt. It wasnt right and there was a possibility that it would never be right, but somehow this felt okay to him.
He wondered if this had been his problem all alongthat hed spent his life emulating what had worked for others. He played music written by others hundreds of years earlier; he searched for God during his walks on the beach because it had worked for Pastor Harris. Here and now, with his son sitting beside him on a dune outside his house and staring through a pair of binoculars, despite the fact he most likely wouldnt see a thing, he wondered if hed made those choices less because he thought others had the answers and more because he was afraid to trust his own instincts. Perhaps his teachers had become his crutch, and in the end, he had been afraid to be himself.
Hey, Dad?
Yeah, Jonah.
Are you going to come visit us in New York?
Nothing would make me happier.
Because I think Ronnie will talk to you now.
I would hope so.
Shes changed a lot, dont you think?
Steve put down the binoculars. I think weve all changed a lot this summer.
Yeah, he said. I think Ive gotten taller, for one thing.
You definitely have. And youve learned how to make a stained-glass window.
He seemed to think about that. Hey, Dad?
Yeah?
I think I want to learn to stand on my head.
Steve hesitated, wondering where on earth that came from. Can I ask why?
I like being upside down. I dont know why. But I think Ill need you to hold my legs. At least in the beginning.
Id be glad to.
They were silent for a long time. It was a balmy, starlit night, and as he reflected on the beauty of his surroundings, Steve felt a sudden rush of contentment. About spending the summer with his kids, about sitting on the dune with his son and talking about nothing important. Hed gotten used to days like these and dreaded the thought that they would soon be ending.
Hey, Dad?
Yeah, Jonah?
Its kind of boring out here.
I think its peaceful, Steve responded.
But I can barely see anything.
You can see the stars. And hear the waves.
I hear them all the time. They sound the same every day.
When do you want to start practicing standing on your head?
Maybe tomorrow.
Steve put his arm around his son. Whats wrong? You sound kind of sad.
Nothing. Jonahs voice was barely audible.
Are you sure?
Can I go to school here? he asked. And live with you?
Steve knew hed have to tread carefully. What about your mom?
I love Mom. And I miss her, too. But I like it here. I like spending time with you. You know, making the window, flying kites. Just hanging out. Ive had so much fun. I dont want it to end.
Steve drew him close. I love being with you, too. The best summer of my life. But if youre in school, its not as if wed be together like we are now.
Maybe you could homeschool me.
Jonahs voice was soft, almost scared, and to Steve, he actually sounded his age. The realization made his throat tighten. He hated what he had to say next, even though he had no choice. I think your mom would miss you if you stayed with me.
Maybe you could move back. Maybe you and Mom could get married again.
Steve took a deep breath, hating this. I know this is hard and doesnt seem fair. I wish there were a way I could change that, but I cant. You need to be with your mom. She loves you so much, and she wouldnt know what to do without you. But I love you, too. I never want you to forget that.
Jonah nodded as though hed expected Steves response. Are we still going to Fort Fisher tomorrow?
If you want to. And afterwards, maybe we can go to the waterslides.
There are waterslides there?
No. But theres a place not too far from there. We just have to remember to bring our suits.
Okay, Jonah said, sounding more animated.
Maybe well go to Chuck E. Cheeses, too.
Really?
If you want to. We can make it happen.
Okay, he said. I want to.
Jonah was quiet again before finally reaching for the cooler. When he pulled out a plastic bag of cookies, Steve knew enough not to say anything.
Hey, Dad?
Yeah?
Do you think the turtles will hatch tonight?
I dont think theyre quite ready yet, but it shouldnt be long.
Jonah brought his lips together but said nothing, and Steve knew his son was thinking about leaving again. He squeezed him a little closer, but inside he felt something break, something he knew would never quite heal.
Early the next morning, Steve stared down the beach, knowing that if he walked, he would do so simply to enjoy the morning.
God, he came to realize, wasnt there. At least for him, anyway. But that made sense, now that he thought about it. If pinpointing Gods presence were really that simple, then he supposed the beaches would be more crowded in the mornings. They would be filled with people on their own quests, instead of people jogging or walking their dogs or fishing in the surf.
The search for Gods presence, he understood now, was as much of a mystery as God himself, and what was God, if not mystery?
Funny, though, that it took him so long to see it that way.
* * *
He spent the day with Jonah, just as theyd planned the night before. The fort was probably more interesting to him than Jonah, since he understood some of the history of the War Between the States and knew that Wilmington was the last major functioning port in the Confederacy. The waterslides, however, were far more exciting for Jonah than they were for Steve. Everyone was responsible for carrying his own mat up to the top, and while Jonah was strong enough the first couple of times, Steve soon had to take over.
He honestly felt as though he were going to die.
Chuck E. Cheeses, a pizza parlor with dozens of video games, kept Jonah occupied for another couple of hours. They played three games of air hockey, accumulated a few hundred game tickets, and, after cashing in the tickets, walked out with two squirt guns, three bouncy balls, a packet of colored pencils, and two erasers. He didnt even want to think about how much it had cost him.
It was a good day, a day of laughter, but wearying. After spending some time with Ronnie, he went to bed. Exhausted, he fell asleep within minutes.
26Ronnie
After her dad and Jonah had taken off for the day, Ronnie went to look for Blaze, hoping to catch her before she was due at the aquarium. She figured she had nothing to lose. The worst that could happen was that Blaze would blow her off or reject her out of hand, which would leave her in the same position she was already in. She didnt expect Blaze to suddenly change her mind and didnt want to get her hopes up, but it was hard not to. Will had a point: Blaze wasnt anything like Marcus, who had no conscience at all, and she had to be feeling just a little guilty, right?
It didnt take long to find her. Blaze was sitting on the dune near the pier, watching the surfers. She said nothing as Ronnie walked up.
Ronnie wasnt even sure where to start, so she began with the obvious.
Hi, Blaze, she said.
Blaze said nothing, and Ronnie collected herself before going on.
I know you probably dont want to talk to me
You look like an Easter egg.
Ronnie glanced at the outfit she was required to wear at the aquarium: turquoise shirt with the aquarium logo, white shorts, and white shoes.
I tried to get them to change the uniform to black, but they wouldnt let me.
Too bad. Blacks your color. Blaze flashed a quick smile. What do you want?
Ronnie swallowed. I wasnt trying to pick up Marcus that night. He came on to me, and I dont know why he said what he did, other than because he wanted to make you jealous. Im sure you dont believe me, but I want to let you know I never would have done something like that to you. Im not that kind of person. It had all come out in a rush, but she had said it now.
Blaze paused, then said, I know.
It wasnt the answer Ronnie had expected. Then why did you put those things in my bag?
she blurted out.
Blaze squinted up at her. I was mad at you. Because it was obvious he liked you.
Ronnie bit back a response that would have put an immediate end to the conversation, giving Blaze the opportunity to go on. Blaze focused on the surfers again. I see youve been spending a lot of time with Will this summer.
He said the two of you used to be friends.
Yeah, we were, she said. A long time ago. Hes nice. Youre lucky. She wiped her hands on her pants. My moms going to marry her boyfriend. After she told me, we got in this really big fight and she kicked me out of the house. She changed the locks and everything.
Im sorry to hear that, Ronnie said, and she was.
Ill survive.
Her comment made Ronnie think about the similarities in their livesdivorce, anger, and rebellion, a parents remarriageyet despite those things, they were no longer the same at all.
Blaze had changed since the beginning of the summer. Gone was the zest for life Ronnie had noticed when they first met, and Blaze seemed older, too, as if shed aged years instead of weeks. But not in a good way. There were bags under her eyes, and her skin was sallow. Shed lost weight, too. A lot of weight. In a strange way, it was as if Ronnie were seeing the person she might have become, and she didnt like what she saw.
What you did to me was wrong, Ronnie said. But you can still make it right.
Blaze shook her head slowly. Marcus wont let me. He said he wouldnt talk to me again.
Listening to her robotic tone made Ronnie want to shake her. Blaze seemed to sense what Ronnie was thinking, and she sighed before going on.
I dont have anywhere else to go. My mom called all the relatives and told them not to take me in. She told them that its hard for her, but what I need is tough love right now. But I dont have any money to eat, and unless I want to sleep on the beach every night for the rest of my life, I have to do what Marcus tells me. When hes mad at me, he wont even let me shower at his place. And he wont give me any money from the shows we do, so I cant eat, either. He treats me like a dog sometimes, and I hate it. But who else do I have?
Have you tried talking to your mom?
Whats the point? She thinks Im a lost cause, and she hates me.
Im sure she doesnt hate you.
You dont know her like I do.
Ronnie flashed back on the time she had visited Blazes house and seen the money tucked into the envelope. It didnt sound like the same mother, but Ronnie didnt want to say that. In the silence, Blaze pushed herself up and stood. Her clothes were dirty and rumpled, as though shed been wearing them for a week straight. Which was probably true.
I know what you want me to do, Blaze said. But I cant. And its not because I dont like you. I do. I think youre nice, and I shouldnt have done what I did. But Im as trapped as you are. And I dont think Marcus is done with you, either.
Ronnie stiffened. What do you mean?
Blaze stood. Hes been talking about you again. And not in a good way. Id stay away from me if I were you.
Before Ronnie could respond, Blaze started walking off.
Hey, Blaze, she called out.
Blaze slowly turned around.
If you ever need something to eat or a place to stay, you know where I live.
For an instant, Ronnie thought she saw not only a flash of gratitude, but something that reminded her of the smart, lively girl shed first met in June.
And one more thing, Ronnie added. That fire stuff youre doing with Marcus is crazy.
Blaze gave her a sad smile. Do you really think its crazier than anything else in my life right now?
The following afternoon, Ronnie stood in front of her closet, knowing she had absolutely nothing to wear. Even if she was going to the weddingwhich she still wasnt certain aboutshe didnt have anything remotely appropriate, unless it was a wedding with Ozzy Osbourne and his clan.
But this was a formal, black-tie wedding: Tuxedos and gowns were required for guests, not just the wedding party. Shed never imagined attending something like this when she was packing for the summer back in New York. She hadnt even brought along the pair of black pumps her mom had purchased for her last Christmas, the ones that were still in the box.
She really didnt understand why Will wanted her to come. Even if she found a way to look presentable, it wasnt as though shed have anyone to talk to. Will was in the wedding party, which meant tons of pictures while she went to the reception, and he had to sit at the head table, so they wouldnt even be together for the meal. Shed probably end up sitting at a table with the governor or a senator or some family that had flown in on a private jet talk about awkward.
Add in the fact that Susan hated her, and the whole thing was a bad idea. A really bad idea.
Horrible in every conceivable way.
On the other hand
When would she ever be invited to a wedding like this again? Supposedly, the house had undergone a major transformation in the last couple of weeks: A new, temporary deck had been erected over the pool, tents had been raised, tens of thousands of flowers had been planted, and not only had lights been rented from one of the film studios in Wilmington, but the crew had come in and set up everything using stand-ins. The cateringeverything from caviar to Cristal champagnewas being supplied by three different restaurants in Wilmington, and overseeing the whole operation was a chef Susan knew from Boston, who was supposedly once considered for the position of head chef at the White House. It was completely over the top, certainly nothing she would ever want for her own weddingsomething beachside in Mexico with a dozen people in attendance was more her stylebut she supposed that was part of the appeal of attending. Shed never go to another wedding like it for as long as she lived.
Assuming, of course, she could find something to wear. Honestly, she didnt even know why she was searching her closet. She couldnt wave a magic wand and turn a pair of her jeans into a dress or pretend that a new part in her hair would make someone overlook one of her concert T-shirts. The only halfway decent outfit she owned, the only one that Susan might not find repugnant if shed simply stopped by on her way to a movie, was the outfit she wore to the aquarium, the one that made her look like an Easter egg.
What are you doing?
Jonah stood in the doorway, staring at her.
I need to find something to wear, she said.
Are you going out?
No. I meant to wear to the wedding.
He tilted his head. Youre getting married?
Of course not. Wills sister is getting married.
Whats her name?
Megan.
Is she nice?
Ronnie shook her head. I dont know. Ive never met her.
Then why are you going to her wedding?
Because Will asked me to go. Thats the way it works, she explained. He can bring a guest to the wedding. Im supposed to be the guest.
Oh, he said. What are you going to wear?
Nothing. I dont have anything.
He motioned toward her. What youre wearing is nice.
The Easter egg outfit. Figures.
She tugged at her shirt. I cant wear this. Its a formal wedding. Im supposed to wear a gown.
Do you have a gown in the closet?
No.
Then why are you standing there?
Right, she thought, closing the door. She flopped down on her bed.
Youre right, she said. I cant go. Its as simple as that.
Do you want to go? Jonah asked curiously.
In an instant, her thoughts flashed from Absolutely not to Kind of and, finally, to Yeah, I do.
She tucked her legs up under her. Will wants me to go. Its important to him. And it would be something to see.
Then why dont you buy a gown?
Because I dont have any money, she said.
Oh, he said. Thats easy to fix. He went to his collection of toys in the corner. Wedged in at one end was a model of an airliner; he picked it up and brought it over, unscrewing the nose of the plane. As he began dumping the contents on her bed, Ronnies jaw dropped at the sight of all the cash hed accumulated. There had to be at least a few hundred dollars.
Its my bank, he said. He wiped his nose. Ive been saving for a while.
Where did you get all this?
Jonah pointed to a ten-dollar bill. This one was for not telling Dad I saw you that night at the carnival. He pointed to a single. This one was for not telling Dad that you were making out with Will. He continued to point at various bills. This one was for the guy with blue hair, and this was from liars poker. This one was for that time you snuck out after your curfew
I get it, she said. But still She blinked. You saved it all?
What else was I supposed to do with it? he answered. Mom and Dad buy me everything I need. All I have to do is beg long enough. Its pretty easy to get what I want. You just have to know how to work it. Mom needs me to cry, but Dad needs me to explain why I deserve it.
She smiled. Her brother, the blackmailer slash psychologist. Amazing.
So I dont really need it. And I like Will. He makes you happy.
Yeah, she thought, he does.
Youre a pretty good little brother, you know?
Yeah, I know. And you can have it all, on one condition.
Here it comes, she thought. Yes?
Im not going to go dress shopping with you. Its boring.
It didnt take long for her to make a decision. Deal.
Ronnie stared at herself, hardly able to recognize the image in the mirror. It was the morning of the wedding, and she had spent the past four days trying on pretty much every appropriate gown in the city, walking back and forth in various pairs of new shoes, and sitting for hours in the hair salon.
It had taken her almost an hour of curling and blowing to do her hair the way the girl at the salon had taught her. As Ronnie sat in the chair, shed also asked advice about makeup, and the girl had given her some suggestions that Ronnie had followed carefully. The dressthere werent all that many good choices despite the number of stores shed visitedfeatured a deep V-neck and black sequins, a far cry from anything shed ever imagined wearing. The night before, shed filed and painted her nails on her own, taking her time, pleased that she hadnt smeared any of the polish.
I dont know you, Ronnie told her reflection, turning this way and that. Ive never seen you before. She tugged at her dress, adjusting it slightly. She looked pretty good, she had to admit.
She smiled. And definitely good enough for the wedding.
She slipped into her shoes on the way out the door and headed down the hallway to the living room. Her dad was reading his Bible again, and Jonah was watching cartoons, as usual.
When her dad and brother looked up, they did visible double takes.
Holy crap, Jonah said.
Her dad turned to glare at him. You shouldnt say that word.
What word? Jonah asked.
You know the word Im talking about.
Sorry, Dad, he said, chastised. I meant jiminy crap, he tried again.
Ronnie and her dad laughed, and Jonah turned from one to the other. What?
Nothing, her dad said. Jonah moved nearer to inspect her more closely.
What happened to the purple in your hair? he asked. Its gone.
Ronnie bobbed her curls. Temporarily, she said. Is it okay?
Before her dad could answer, Jonah piped up. You look normal again. But you dont look like my sister.
You look wonderful, her dad said quickly.