She remembered his cries from the hospital room, and all she could do was nod. Will slipped his arms around her.
Are you okay? he asked.
How do you think Im doing? I just found out my father is dying and that he probably wont live to see Christmas.
I know, he said gently. And Im sorry. I know how hard this is for you. She could feel his hands on her waist. Ill stay tonight so if anything happens and you have to go, someone can be with Jonah. I can stay around here as long as you need me to. I know Im supposed to be leaving in a couple of days, but I can call the deans office and explain whats happening.
Classes dont start until next week.
You cant fix this, she said. Though she could hear the sharpness in her tone, she couldnt help it. Dont you get that?
Im not trying to fix it
Yes, you are! But you cant! Her heart suddenly felt as if it were going to explode. And you cant understand what Im going through, either!
Ive lost someone, too, he reminded her.
Its not the same! She squeezed the bridge of her nose, trying to stifle her tears. I was so mean to him. I quit the piano! I blamed him for everything, and I didnt say more than a few words to him for three years! Three years! And I cant get those years back. But maybe if I hadnt been so angry, he might not have gotten sick. Maybe I caused that extra stress that did all this. Maybe it was me! She pulled away from Will.
Its not your fault.
Will tried to take her back into his arms, but it was the last thing she wanted, and she tried to push him away. When he didnt let go, she pounded his chest.
Let me go! I can handle this alone!
But still he held her, and when she realized he wasnt going to let go, she finally collapsed into him. And for a long time, she let him hold her as she cried.
Ronnie lay in her darkened bedroom, listening to the sound of Jonah breathing. Will was sleeping on the couch in the living room. She knew she should try to rest, but she kept waiting for the phone to ring. She imagined the worst: that her father had begun to cough again, that hed lost more blood, that there was nothing anyone could do
Beside her, on the bedstand, was her fathers Bible. Earlier, shed glanced through it, unsure what she would find. Had he underlined passages or folded down pages? As she flipped through the book, shed found few traces of her father, other than a well-worn feel to the pages that suggested a deep familiarity with nearly every chapter. She wished that hed done something to make it his own, something that left behind clues about himself, but there was nothing even to suggest that hed found one passage more interesting than another.
Shed never read the Bible, but somehow she knew that she would read this one, searching for whatever meaning her father had found within the pages. She wondered if the Bible had been given to him by Pastor Harris or whether hed bought it on his own, and how long it had been in his possession. There was so much she didnt know about him, and she wondered now why shed never bothered to ask him.
But she would, she decided. If she soon would have only memories, then she wanted as many as she could collect, and as she found herself praying for the first time in years, she begged God for enough time to make it possible.
32Will
Will didnt sleep well. Throughout the night, hed heard Ronnie tossing and turning and pacing in her room. He recognized the shock she was feeling; he remembered the numbness and guilt, the disbelief and anger, after Mikey had died. The years had dulled the emotional intensity, but he could remember the conflicting desire for company and the need to be left alone.
He felt sadness for Ronnie and also for Jonah, who was too young to grasp it at all. And even for himself. During the summer, Steve had been incredibly kind to him, as theyd spent a lot more time at Ronnies than they had at his house. He liked the quiet way he cooked in the kitchen and the easy familiarity he shared with Jonah. Hed often seen the two of them out on the beach, flying kites or playing catch near the waves, or working on the stained-glass window in quiet concentration. While most fathers liked to see themselves as the kind of men who made time for their kids, it seemed to Will that Steve was the real thing. In the short time hed known him, hed never once seen Steve get angry, never heard him raise his voice. He supposed that it could have had something to do with the fact that he knew he was dying, but Will didnt think that explained everything. Ronnies dad was just a good man at peace with himself and others; he loved his kids and somehow trusted that they were usually smart enough to make the right decisions.
As he lay on the couch, he reflected that he wanted to be the same kind of father someday.
Though he loved his dad, he hadnt always been the easygoing man Ronnie had met. There were long stretches of Wills life during which he hardly remembered seeing his father as he worked to grow his business. Add in his moms occasional volatility and the death of Mikey, which sent the entire family into depression for a couple of years, and there had been times when he wished hed been born into a different family. He knew he was lucky, and it was true that things had been a lot better lately. But growing up hadnt been all cupcakes and parties, and he could remember wishing for a different life.
But Steve was an altogether different kind of parent.
Ronnie had told him that he would sit with her for hours as she learned to play the piano, but in all the time hed been at the house, hed never heard Steve talk about it. He hadnt even mentioned it in passing, and though at first Will thought it odd, he began to see it as a powerful indication of his love for Ronnie. She didnt want to talk about it, so he didnt, even though it had been a major part of their life together. Hed even boarded up the alcove because she didnt want to be reminded of it.
What kind of person would do that?
Only Steve, a man hed grown to admire, a man hed learned from, and the kind of man he himself hoped to be as he grew older.
He was awakened by the morning sunlight streaming through the living room windows, and he stretched before rising to his feet. Peeking down the hall, he saw that the door to Ronnies room was open, and he knew that she was already awake. He found her on the porch in the same spot as the night before. She didnt turn around.
Good morning, he said.
Her shoulders sagged as she turned toward him. Good morning, she said, offering the slightest of smiles. She opened her arms, and he wrapped himself around her, grateful for the embrace.
Im sorry about last night, she said.
Theres no reason to be sorry. He nuzzled her hair. You didnt do anything wrong.
Mmmm, she said. But thanks anyway.
I didnt hear you get up.
Ive been up for a while. She sighed. I called the hospital and talked to my dad. Though he didnt say as much, I could tell hes still in a lot of pain. He thinks they might keep him for a couple of days after his tests are done.
In almost any other situation, he would have assured her that everything would be fine, that it would all work out. But in this case, they both knew the words would mean nothing. Instead, he leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers.
Were you able to get any sleep? I heard you wandering around last night.
Not really. I finally crawled in bed with Jonah, but my brain just wouldnt shut off. But not just because of whats going on with my dad. She paused. It was because of you, too. Youre leaving in a couple of days.
I already told you I could postpone it. If you need me to stay, I will
She shook her head. I dont want you to. Youre about to start a whole new chapter of your life, and I cant take that away from you.
But I dont have to go now. Classes dont start right away
I dont want you to, she said again. Her voice was soft but implacable. Youre going off to college, and its not your problem. I know that might sound harsh, but it isnt. Hes my dad, not yours, and that will never change. And I dont want to think about what you might be giving up, in addition to everything else thats going on in my life. Can you understand that?
Her words had the ring of truth to them, even if he wished she were wrong. After a moment, he untied his macramé bracelet and held it out to her.
I want you to have this, he whispered, and by her expression, he could tell that she understood how much her acceptance meant to him.
She flashed a small smile as she closed her hand around it. He thought she was about to say something when both of them heard the workshop door suddenly bang open. For an instant, Will thought someone had broken in. Then he saw Jonah clumsily dragging a broken chair outside.
With enormous effort, he lifted it up and tossed it over the dune near the workshop. Even from this distance, Will could see the fury in Jonahs expression.
Ronnie was already moving off the porch.
Jonah! she screamed, breaking into a run.
Will leapt after her, almost bumping into her as she reached the workshop door. Looking past her, he saw Jonah trying to push a heavy crate across the floor. He was struggling mightily, oblivious to their sudden appearance.
What are you doing? Ronnie cried. When did you come out here?
Jonah continued to push at the crate, grunting with the effort.
Jonah! Ronnie shouted.
Her cry broke through his tunnel-like focus, and he turned toward Will and his sister, surprised by their presence. I cant reach it! he cried, angry and on the verge of tears. Im not tall enough!
Cant reach what? she asked before taking a sudden step forward. Youre bleeding! she said, panic rising in her voice.
Will noticed the torn jeans and blood on Jonahs leg as Ronnie rushed toward him. Driven by his own demons, Jonah pushed frantically at the crate, and the corner of the box smashed into one of the shelves. The half-squirrel/half-fish creature toppled off, landing on Jonah just as Ronnie reached him.
His face was tight and red. Go away! I can do this by myself! I dont need you! he screamed.
He tried to move the crate again, but it was pinned by the shelf, locked in place. Ronnie tried to help him, but Jonah shoved her away. By now, Will could see the tears on his cheeks.
I told you to go away! he shouted at her. Dad wants me to finish the window! Me! Not you! Thats what we were doing all summer! His words came out in broken gasps, angry and terrified. This was what we did! All you ever cared about were the turtles! But I was with him every day!
As he shouted through his tears, his voice cracked.
And now I cant reach the middle part of the window! Im too short! But I have to finish it, because maybe if I finish it, then Dad will get better. He has to get better, so I tried to use the chair to reach the middle of the window, but it broke and I fell into the glass and I got mad and then I wanted to use the crate, but its too heavy
By then, he could barely get the words out, and he suddenly rocked back and collapsed onto the ground. Wrapping his arms around his knees and lowering his head, he began to sob, his shoulders convulsing.
Ronnie took a seat on the floor beside him. She slipped an arm around his shoulder and pulled him toward her as he continued to cry. As Will watched, he could feel a lump in the back of his throat, knowing he didnt belong here.
Still, he stayed while Ronnie held her brother as he cried, not trying to hush him or assure him that everything was going to be okay. She just held him wordlessly until his sobs began to subside. Finally he looked up, his eyes red through his glasses, his face blotchy with tears.
When Ronnie spoke, her voice was gentleas kind as he had ever heard her.
Can we go in the house for a few minutes? I just want to check the cut on your leg.
Jonahs voice was still quavering. What about the window? It has to be finished.
Ronnie met Wills eyes, then returned her gaze to Jonah. Can we help?
Jonah shook his head. You dont know how.
Show us.
After Ronnie cleaned Jonahs leg and put some Band-Aids on it, Jonah led them back to the workshop.
The window was nearly completeall of the detailed etchings of the faces were finished, and the reinforcing bars were already in place. The work that remained consisted of adding hundreds of intricate pieces to form the heavenly glow in the sky.
Jonah showed Will how to cut the lead strips and taught Ronnie how to solder; Jonah cut the glass, as hed been doing most of the summer, and slid them into the lead strips before making room for Ronnie to set the pieces in place.
It was hot and crowded in the workshop, but eventually the three of them fell into a rhythm of sorts. At lunchtime, Will ran out to pick up some burgers and a salad for Ronnie; they took a short break while they ate but were soon back at their task. As the afternoon rolled on, Ronnie called the hospital three times, only to learn that her dad was either in tests or sleeping but doing well. By the time dusk settled in, theyd finished about half the work; Jonahs hands were getting tired, and they took another break to eat before moving some lamps from the living room to add additional light to the workshop.
Darkness fell, and Jonah was yawning steadily by ten; when they went inside to relax for a few minutes, Jonah fell asleep almost immediately. Will carried him to his room and put him in bed. By the time he returned to the living room, Ronnie was already back at the workshop.
Will took over the glass cutting; hed seen Jonah doing it all day, and though he made some mistakes in the beginning, he quickly got the hang of it.
They worked through the night, and by the time dawn began to break, both of them were dead on their feet. On the table in front of them lay the completed window. Will wasnt sure how Jonah would feel knowing he hadnt had a hand in finishing the final pieces, but he figured Ronnie would know how to handle it.
You two look like youve been up all night, said a voice behind them. Turning around, Will saw Pastor Harris standing in the doorway.
Pastor Harris was leaning on his cane. He was wearing a suitprobably for his Sunday church servicebut Will noticed the horrific scars on the backs of his hands and knew immediately that they extended up his arms. Thinking back to the fire at the church and the secret hed kept all these months, he found it impossible to meet the pastors eyes.
Weve been finishing the window, Ronnie said hoarsely.
Pastor Harris motioned toward the window. May I?
Ronnie nodded. Of course.
Pastor Harris stepped into the workshop, moving slowly. His cane tapped against the wooden floor as he approached. At the table, his expression changed from curiosity to wonderment. Leaning on his cane, he ran a knobby, scarred hand over the glass.
Its incredible, he breathed. Its more beautiful than I would have imagined possible.
My dad and Jonah did all the real work, Ronnie said. We just helped to finish it.
He smiled. Your father will be so pleased.
Hows the church coming? I know my dad would love to see the window in place.
From your mouth to Gods ears. He shrugged. The church isnt as popular as it once was, so there arent as many members. But I have faith that it will work out.
From her anxious expression, Will knew Ronnie was wondering whether or not the window would be installed in time but was afraid to ask.
Your dad is doing well, by the way, Pastor Harris said. He should be out of the hospital soon, and you should be able to visit him this morning. You didnt miss much yesterday. I spent most of the day sitting in his room alone while they were running tests.
Thanks for staying with him.
No, sweetheart, he said. He glanced at the window again. Thank you.
It was quiet in the workshop as Pastor Harris made his way out. Will watched him go, unable to shake the image of his scarred hands.
In the silence, he studied the window, struck by the work that had been necessary to make a new one, a window that shouldnt have had to be replaced. He thought of the pastors words and the possibility that Ronnies dad might not even live to see the window installed.
Ronnie was lost in her own thoughts as he turned to her.
He felt something collapse inside him, like a house of cards. Theres something I need to tell you.
As they sat on the dune, Will told her everything from the beginning. When he finished, Ronnie seemed confused.
Youre saying that Scott started the fire? And that youve been protecting him? Her voice rang with disbelief. Youve been lying for him?
Will shook his head. Its not like that. I told you it was an accident.
It doesnt matter. Ronnies eyes searched his. Accident or not, he needs to take responsibility for what he did.
I know. I told him to go to the police.
But what if he doesnt? Are you going to keep covering for him forever? Youre going to let Marcus keep controlling your life? Its wrong.
But hes my friend
Ronnie leapt to her feet. Pastor Harris almost died in that fire! He spent weeks in the hospital. Do you know how painful burns are? Why dont you ask Blaze how it feels? And the church you know he cant even rebuild it and now my dads never going to see the window where it belongs!
Will shook his head, trying to stay calm. He could see that it was all too much for Ronnieher dad, his impending departure, her upcoming court date. I know it was wrong, he said quietly. And Ive felt guilty about it. I cant tell you how many times Ive wanted to go to the police.
So what? she demanded. That doesnt mean anything! Didnt you hear me when I told you about admitting in court what I had done? Because I knew what I did was wrong! Truth only means something when its hard to admit! Dont you get that? That church was Pastor Harriss life! It was my dads life! And now its gone and the insurance wont cover the damage and they have to hold services in a warehouse
Scotts my friend, he protested. I cant just throw him to the wolves.
She blinked, wondering if he could even hear what he was saying. How can you be so selfish?
Im not being selfish
Thats exactly what you are, and if you cant understand that, then I dont want to talk to you! she said. She turned and started toward the house. Just go! Leave!
Ronnie! he called out, getting up to follow her. She sensed his movement and whirled to face him.
Its over, okay?
Its not over. Cmon, be reasonable
Reasonable? She waved her hands. You want me to be reasonable? You havent just been lying for Scott, youve been lying to me, too! You knew why my dad was making the
window! You stood right next to me and you never said anything about it! Her words seemed to clarify something in her mind, and she took another step backward. Youre not who I thought you were! I thought you were better than this!
He flinched, unable to think of a response, but when he took a step forward, she retreated.
Go! Youre leaving anyway, and were never going to see each other again. Summers always come to an end. We can talk and pretend all we want, but we cant change that, so lets just end it here and now. I cant handle all this right now, and I cant be with someone I dont trust. Her eyes glittered with unshed tears. I dont trust you, Will. You need to go.
He couldnt move, couldnt speak.
Leave! she shouted, and ran back to the house.
That night, his last night in Wrightsville Beach, Will sat in the den, still trying to make sense of everything that had happened. He looked up when his dad walked in.
You okay? Tom asked. You were kind of quiet at dinner.
Yeah, Will answered. Im okay.
His dad wandered to the couch and took a seat across from him. Are you nervous about leaving tomorrow?
Will shook his head. No.
Are you all packed?
Will nodded and felt his dad studying him. His dad leaned forward.
Whats going on? You know you can talk to me.
Will took his time before answering, suddenly nervous. Finally, he met his fathers eyes. If I asked you to do something important for me, something big, would you do it? No questions asked?
Tom leaned back, still studying him, and in the silence, Will knew what the answer would be.
33Ronnie
You really finished the window?
Ronnie watched her dad as he talked to Jonah in the hospital room, thinking he seemed better. He still looked tired, but his cheeks had a bit more color and he was moving with greater ease.
Its awesome, Dad, Jonah said. I cant wait for you to see it.
But there were still so many pieces left.
Ronnie and Will helped a little, Jonah admitted.
Yeah?
I had to show them how. They didnt know anything. But dont worry, I was patient even when they made mistakes.
Her dad smiled. Thats good to hear.
Yeah, Im a pretty good teacher.
Im sure you are.
Jonah wrinkled his nose. It smells kinda funny in here, doesnt it?
A little.
Jonah nodded. I thought so. He motioned toward the television. Have you been watching any movies?
Her dad shook his head. Not too many.
What does that do?
Her dad glanced at the IV bag. Its got some medicine in it.
Will it make you better?
Im feeling better now.
So youre coming home?
Pretty soon.
Today?
Maybe tomorrow, he said. But you know what I could use?
What?
A soda. Do you remember where the cafeteria is? Down the hall and around the corner?
I know where it is. Im not a little kid. What kind do you want?
A Sprite or a Seven-Up.
I dont have any money, though.
When her dad glanced at her, Ronnie took it as a cue to reach into her back pocket. Ive got some, she said. She pulled what she thought hed need from her pocket and handed it to him as he headed out the door. As soon as he was gone, she could feel her dad staring at her.
The lawyer called this morning. Theyve postponed your court date until late October.
Ronnies gaze flickered to the window. I cant think about that right now.
Im sorry, he said. He was quiet for a moment, and she could feel him watching her.
Hows Jonah really holding up? he asked.
Ronnie gave a half shrug. Lost. Confused. Scared. Barely holding it together. Like me, she wanted to say.
Her dad motioned for her to come over. She took a seat in the chair that Jonah had been using. He reached for her hand and squeezed it. Im sorry I wasnt strong enough to stay out of the hospital. I never wanted you to see me like this.
She was already shaking her head. Never, ever apologize for that.
But
No buts, okay? I needed to know. Im glad I know.
He seemed to accept that. But then he surprised her.
Do you want to talk about what happened with Will?
What makes you say something like that? she asked.
Because I know you. Because I know when something else is on your mind. And because I know how much you cared for him.
Ronnie sat up straighter, not wanting to lie to him. He went home to pack, she said.
She could feel her dad studying her.
Did I ever tell you my dad was a poker player?
Yeah, you told me. Why? Do you want to play poker?
No, he said. I just know theres more to what happened with Will than what youre saying, but if you dont want to talk about it, thats okay, too.
Ronnie hesitated. She knew hed be understanding, but she wasnt ready yet. Like I said, hes leaving, she said instead. And with a nod, her dad let it go.
You look tired, he said. You should go home and take a nap later.
I will. But I want to stay here for a while.
He adjusted his hand in hers. Okay.
She glanced at the IV bag Jonah had asked about before. But unlike her brother, she knew that it wasnt medicine to make him better.
Does it hurt? she asked.
He paused before answering. No, he answered. Not too much.
But it has hurt?
Her dad started to shake his head. Sweetheart
I want to know. Did it hurt before you got here? Tell me the truth, okay?
He scratched at his chest before answering. Yes.
How long?
I dont know what you mean
I want to know when it started hurting, Ronnie said, leaning over the bedrail. She willed him to meet her eyes.
Again, he shook his head. Its not important. Im feeling better. And the doctors know what to do to keep helping me.
Please, she said. When did it start hurting?
He looked down at their hands, clasped so tightly on the bed. I dont know. March or April? But it wasnt every day
When it hurt before, she went on, determined to hear the truth, what did you do?
It wasnt so bad before, he answered.
But it still hurt, right?
Yes.
What did you do?
I dont know, he protested. I tried not to think about it. I focused on other things.
She could feel the tension in her shoulders, hating what he might say but needing to know.
What did you focus on?
Her dad smoothed out a wrinkle in the bedsheet with his free hand. Why is this so important to you?
Because I want to know whether you focused on other things by playing the piano.
As soon as she said it, she knew she was right. I saw you playing that night in the church, the night you had that coughing fit. And Jonah said youd been sneaking over there as soon as the piano came in.
Honey
Do you remember when you said that playing the piano made you feel better?
Her dad nodded. He could see what was coming, and she was sure he wouldnt want to answer. But she had to know.
Did you mean that you didnt feel the pain as much? And please tell me the truth. Ill know if youre lying. Ronnie would not be deflected, not this time.
He closed his eyes briefly, then met her gaze. Yes.
But you built the wall around the piano anyway?
Yes, he said again.
With that, she felt her fragile composure give way. Her jaw began to quiver as she lowered her head to her dads chest.
Her dad reached out to her. Dont cry, he said. Please dont cry
But she couldnt help it. The memories of how shed acted back then and the knowledge of what he had been going through drained whatever energy she had left. Oh, Daddy
No, baby please dont cry. It wasnt so bad back then. I thought I could handle it, and I think I did. It wasnt until the last week or so that He touched a finger to her jaw, and when she looked into his eyes, what she saw there almost broke her heart. She had to look away.
I could handle it then, he repeated, and she knew by his voice that he meant it. I promise.
It hurt, but it wasnt the only thing I thought about, because I could escape it in other ways. Like working on the window with Jonah, or just enjoying the kind of summer I dreamed about when I asked your mom to let both of you stay with me.
His words seared her, his forgiveness more than she could bear. Im so sorry, Daddy