Thats what the summer was like for me, and not only because you forgave me. The summer was a gift to me, because I came to know the young woman I always knew you would grow into. As I told your brother, it was the best summer of my life, and I often wondered during those idyllic days how someone like me could have been blessed with a daughter as wonderful as you.
Thank you, Ronnie. Thank you for coming. And thank you for the way you made me feel each and every day we had the chance to be together.
You and Jonah have always been the greatest blessings in my life. I love you, Ronnie, and Ive always loved you. And never, ever forget that I am, and always have been, proud of you. No father has ever been as blessed as I.
Dad
Thanksgiving passed. Along the beach, people began to put up Christmas decorations.
Her dad had lost a third of his body weight and spent nearly all his time in bed.
Ronnie stumbled across the sheets of paper when she was cleaning the house one morning.
Theyd been wedged carelessly into the drawer of the coffee table, and when she pulled them out, it took her only a moment to recognize her fathers hand in the musical notes scrawled on the page.
It was the song hed been writing, the song shed heard him playing that night in the church.
She set the pages on top of the table to inspect them more closely. Her eye raced over the heavily edited series of notes, and she thought again that her dad had been on to something. As she read, she could hear the arresting strains of the opening bars in her head. But as she flipped through the score to the second and third pages, she could also see that it wasnt quite right. Although his initial instincts had been good, she thought she recognized where the composition began to lose its way. She fished a pencil from the table drawer and began to overlay her own work on his, scrawling rapid chord progressions and melodic riffs where her father had left off.
Before she knew it, three hours had gone by and she heard her dad beginning to stir. After tucking the pages back into the drawer, she headed for the bedroom, ready to face whatever the day would bring.
Later that evening, when her father had fallen into yet another fitful sleep, she retrieved the pages, this time working long past midnight. In the morning, she woke up eager and anxious to show him what shed done. But when she entered his bedroom, he wouldnt stir at all, and she panicked when she realized that he was barely breathing.
Her stomach was in knots as she called the ambulance, and she felt unsteady as she made her way back to the bedroom. She wasnt ready, she told herself, she hadnt shown him the song.
She needed another day. Its not time yet. But with trembling hands, she opened the top drawer of his desk and pulled out the manila envelope.
In the hospital bed, her father looked smaller than shed ever seen him. His face had collapsed in on itself, and his skin had an unnatural grayish pallor. His breaths were as shallow and rapid as an infants. She squeezed her eyes closed, wishing she werent here. Wishing she were anywhere but here.
Not yet, Daddy, she whispered. Just a little more time, okay?
Outside the hospital window, the sky was gray and cloudy. Most of the leaves had fallen from the trees, and the stark and empty branches somehow reminded her of bones. The air was cold and still, presaging a storm.
The envelope sat on the nightstand, and though shed promised her dad she would give it to the doctor, she hadnt done so yet. Not until she was sure he wouldnt wake, not until she was sure she was never going to have the chance to say good-bye. Not until she was certain there was nothing more she could do for him.
She prayed fiercely for a miracle, a tiny one. And as though God Himself were listening, it happened twenty minutes later.
Shed been sitting beside him for most of the morning. Shed grown so used to the sound of his breathing and the steady beep of the heart monitor that the slightest change sounded like an alarm. Looking up, she saw his arm twitch and his eyes flutter open. He blinked under the fluorescent lights, and Ronnie instinctively reached for his hand.
Dad? she said. Despite herself, she felt a surge of hope; she imagined him slowly sitting up.
But he didnt. He didnt even seem to hear her. When he rolled his head with great effort to look at her, she saw a darkness in his eyes that shed never seen before. But then he blinked and she heard him sigh.
Hi, sweetheart, he whispered hoarsely.
The fluid in his lungs made him sound as if he were drowning. She forced herself to smile.
How are you doing?
Not too well. He paused, as if to gather his strength. Where am I?
Youre in the hospital. You were brought here this morning. I know you have a DNR, but
When he blinked again, she thought his eyes might stay closed. But eventually he opened them.
Its okay, he whispered. The forgiveness in his voice tore at her heart. I understand.
Please dont be mad at me.
Im not.
She kissed him on the cheek and tried to wrap her arms around his shrunken figure. She felt his hand graze her back.
Are you okay? he asked her.
No, she admitted, feeling the tears start to come. Im not okay at all.
Im sorry, he breathed.
No, dont say that, she said, willing herself not to break down. Im the one whos sorry. I never should have stopped talking to you. Ive wanted so desperately to take it all back.
He gave a ghostly smile. Did I ever tell you that I think youre beautiful?
Yeah, she said, sniffling. Youve told me.
Well, this time I mean it.
She laughed helplessly through her tears. Thanks, she said. Leaning over, she kissed his hand.
Do you remember when you were little? he asked, suddenly serious. You used to watch me playing the piano for hours. One day, I found you sitting at the keyboard playing a melody you had heard me play. You were only four years old. You always had so much talent.
I remember, she said.
I want you to know something, her dad said, gripping her hand with surprising force. No matter how bright your star became, I never cared about the music half as much as I cared about you as a daughter I want you to know that.
She nodded. I believe you. And I love you, too, Dad.
He took a long breath, his eyes never leaving hers. Then will you bring me home?
The words struck her with their full weight, unavoidable and direct. She glanced at the envelope, knowing what he was asking and what he needed her to say. And in that instant, she remembered everything about the last five months. Images raced through her mind, one after the next, stopping only when she saw him sitting in the church at the keyboard, beneath the empty space where the window would eventually be installed.
And it was then that she knew what her heart had been telling her to do all along.
Yes, she said. Ill bring you home. But I need you to do something for me, too.
Her dad swallowed. It seemed to take all the strength he had to say. Im not sure I can anymore.
She smiled and reached for the envelope. Even for me?
Pastor Harris had lent her his car, and she drove as fast as she could. Holding her cell phone, she made the call as she was changing lanes. She quickly explained what was happening and what she needed; Galadriel agreed immediately. She drove as though her fathers life depended on it, accelerating at every yellow light.
Galadriel was waiting for her at the house when she arrived. Beside her on the porch lay two crowbars, which she hefted as Ronnie approached.
Ready? she asked.
Ronnie merely nodded, and together they entered the house.
With Galadriels help, it took less than an hour to dismantle her fathers work. She didnt care about the mess they left in the living room; the only thing she could think about was the time her father had left and what she still needed to do for him. When the last piece of plywood was ripped away, Galadriel turned to her, sweating and breathless.
Go pick up your dad. Ill clean up. And Ill help you bring him in when you get back.
She drove even faster on the way back to the hospital. Before she had left the hospital, shed met with her dads doctor and explained what she planned to do. With the attending nurses help, shed raced through the release forms the hospital required; when she called the hospital from the car, she paged the same nurse and asked her to have her dad waiting downstairs in a wheelchair.
The cars tires squealed as she turned in to the hospital parking lot. She followed the lane toward the emergency room entrance and saw immediately that the nurse had been good to her word.
Ronnie and the nurse helped her dad into the car, and she was back on the road within minutes. Her dad seemed more alert than hed been in the hospital room, but she knew that could change at any time. She needed to get him home before it was too late. As she drove the streets of a town shed eventually come to think of as her own, she felt a rush of fear and hope. It all seemed so simple, so clear now. When she reached the house, Galadriel was waiting for her.
Galadriel had moved the couch into position, and together they helped her father recline on it.
Despite his condition, it seemed to dawn on him what Ronnie had done. Ever so gradually, she saw his grimace replaced by an expression of wonder. As he stared at the piano standing exposed in the alcove, she knew she had done the right thing. Leaning over, she kissed him on the cheek.
I finished your song, she said. Our last song. And I want to play it for you.
36Steve
Life, he realized, was much like a song.
In the beginning there is mystery, in the end there is confirmation, but its in the middle where all the emotion resides to make the whole thing worthwhile.
For the first time in months, he felt no pain at all; for the first time in years, he knew his questions had answers. As he listened to the song that Ronnie had finished, the song that Ronnie had perfected, he closed his eyes in the knowledge that his search for Gods presence had been fulfilled.
He finally understood that Gods presence was everywhere, at all times, and was experienced by everyone at one time or another. It had been with him in the workshop as hed labored over the window with Jonah; it had been present in the weeks hed spent with Ronnie. It was present here and now as his daughter played their song, the last song they would ever share.
In retrospect, he wondered how he could have missed something so incredibly obvious.
God, he suddenly understood, was love in its purest form, and in these last months with his children, he had felt His touch as surely as he had heard the music spilling from Ronnies hands.
37Ronnie
Her dad died less than a week later, in his sleep, with Ronnie on the floor next to him. Ronnie couldnt bring herself to speak of the details. She knew her mom was waiting for her to finish; in the three hours shed been talking, her mom had remained silent, much the way her dad always had. But the moments in which she watched her father draw his last breaths felt intensely private to her, and she knew she would never speak of them to anyone. Being at his side as he left this world was a gift that he had given her, and only her, and she would never forget how solemn and intimate it had felt.
Instead, she stared out at the freezing December rain and spoke of her last recital, the most important recital of her life.
I played for him as long as I could, Mom. And I tried so hard to make it beautiful for him, because I knew how much it meant to him. But he was just so weak, she whispered. At the end, Im not sure he could even hear me. She pinched the bridge of her nose, wondering idly if she had any tears left to shed. There had been so many tears already.
Her mom opened her arms and beckoned to her. Her own tears shone bright in her eyes.
I know he heard you, sweetheart. And I know it was beautiful.
Ronnie gave herself over to her mothers embrace, resting her head on her chest as she used to do when she was a child.
Never forget how happy you and Jonah made him, her mother murmured, stroking her hair.
He made me happy, too, she mused. I learned so much from him. I just wish I had thought to tell him. That, and a million other things. She shut her eyes. But now its too late.
He knew, her mom assured her. He always knew.
The funeral was a simple affair, held in the church that had recently been reopened. Her dad had asked to be cremated, and his wishes had been honored.
Pastor Harris gave the eulogy. It was short but brimming with authentic grief and love. He had loved her father like a son, and despite herself, Ronnie cried along with Jonah. She slipped her arm around him as he sobbed the bewildered cries of a child, and she tried not to think about how he would remember this loss, so early in life.
Only a handful of people had come to the service. Shed spotted Galadriel and Officer Pete as shed walked in and had heard the church door open once or twice after shed taken her seat, but other than that, the church was empty. She ached at the thought that so few people knew how special her dad had been or how much hed meant to her.
After the service, she continued to sit in the pew with Jonah while Brian and her mom went outside to talk to Pastor Harris. The four of them were flying back to New York in just a few hours, and she knew she didnt have much time.
Even so, she didnt want to leave. The rain, pouring down all morning, had stopped, and the sky was beginning to clear. She had been praying for that, and she found herself staring at her fathers stained-glass window, willing the clouds to part.
And when they did, it was just as her father had described it. The sun flooded through the glass, splitting into hundreds of jewel-like prisms of glorious, richly colored light. The piano stood in a waterfall of brilliant color, and for a moment Ronnie pictured her father sitting at its keys, his face upturned to the light. It didnt last long, but she squeezed Jonahs hand in silent awe. Despite the weight of her grief, she smiled, knowing that Jonah was thinking the same thing.
Hi, Daddy, she whispered. I knew you would come.
When the light had faded, she said a silent good-bye and pulled herself to her feet. But when she turned around, she saw that she and Jonah werent alone in the church. Near the door, seated in the last pew, she saw Tom and Susan Blakelee.
She put her hand on Jonahs shoulder. Would you go outside and tell Mom and Brian that Ill be right out? I have to talk to someone first.
Okay, he said, rubbing his swollen eyes with a fist as he exited the church. Once he was gone, she started toward them, watching as they rose to greet her.
Surprising her, Susan was the first to speak.
Im sorry for your loss. Pastor Harris told us your father was a wonderful man.
Thank you, she said. She looked from one of Wills parents to the other and smiled. I appreciate that you came. And I also want to thank you both for what you did for the church. It was really important to my dad.
At her words, she saw Tom Blakelee glance away, and she knew shed been right. It was supposed to be anonymous, he murmured.
I know. And Pastor Harris didnt tell me or my dad. But I guessed the truth when I saw you at the site. It was a beautiful thing, what you did.
He nodded almost shyly, and she saw his eyes flicker to the window. He, too, had seen the light flood the church.
In the silence, Susan waved toward the door. Theres someone here to see you.
Are you ready? her mom asked as soon as she exited the church. Were already running late.
Ronnie barely heard her. Instead, she stared at Will. He was dressed in a black suit. His hair was longer, and her first thought was that it made him look older. He was talking to Galadriel, but as soon as he saw her, she watched him raise a finger, as if asking her to hold that thought.
I need a few more minutes, okay? she said without taking her eyes off Will.
She hadnt expected him to come, hadnt expected to see him ever again. She didnt know what it meant, that he was here, and wasnt sure whether to feel ecstatic or heartbroken or both.
She took a step in his direction and stopped.
She couldnt read his expression. As he started toward her, she recalled the way hed seemed to glide through the sand the first time shed ever seen him; she remembered their kiss on the boat dock the night of his sisters wedding. And she heard again the words shed said to him on the day theyd said good-bye. She was besieged by a storm of conflicting emotionsdesire, regret, longing, fear, grief, love. There was so much to say, yet what could they really begin to say in this awkward setting and with so much time already passed?
Hi. If only I were telepathic, and you could read my mind.
Hey, he said. He seemed to be searching her face for something, but for what, she didnt know.
He made no move toward her, nor did she reach out to him.
You came, she said, unable to keep the wonder out of her voice.
I couldnt stay away. And Im sorry about your dad. He was a great person. For a moment, a shadow seemed to cross his face, and he added, Ill miss him.
She flashed on the memory of their evenings together at her dads house, the smell of his cooking and Jonahs shouts of laughter as they played liars poker. She felt suddenly dizzy. It was all so surreal, to see Will here on this terrible day. Part of her wanted to throw herself into his arms and apologize for the way she had let him go. But another part, mute and paralyzed from the loss of her dad, wondered whether she was still the same person Will had once loved.
So much had happened since the summer.
She shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other. Hows Vanderbilt? she finally asked.
Its what I expected.
Is that good or bad?
Instead of answering, he nodded at the rental car. I take it youre heading home, huh?
Ive got to catch a plane in a little while. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, hating how self-conscious she felt. It was as if they were strangers. Are you finished with the semester?
No, Ive got finals next week, so Im flying back tonight. My classes are harder than I expected. Im probably going to have to pull some all-nighters.
Youll be home for break soon. A few walks on the beach and youll be good as new.
Ronnie summoned an encouraging smile.
Actually, my parents are hauling me off to Europe as soon as Im finished. Well spend Christmas in France. They think its important for me to see the world.
That sounds like fun.
He shrugged. What about you?
She looked away, her mind flashing unbidden to her last days with her dad.
I think Im going to audition at Juilliard, she said slowly. Well see if theyll still have me.
For the first time, he smiled, and she caught a glimpse of the spontaneous joy he had shown so often during those warm summer months. How she had missed his joy, his warmth, during the long march of the fall and winter. Yeah? Good for you. And Im sure youll do great.
She hated the way they were talking around the edges of things. It felt so wrong, given everything theyd shared over the summer and all theyd been through together. She drew a long breath, trying to keep her emotions in check. But it was just so hard right now, and she was so tired. The next words came out almost automatically.
I want to apologize for the things I said to you. I didnt mean them. There was just so much going on. I shouldnt have taken it all out on you
He took a step toward her and reached for her arm. Its okay, he said. I understand.
At his touch, she felt all the pent-up emotion of the day burst to the surface, overwhelming her fragile composure, and she squeezed her eyes closed, trying to stop the tears. But if youd done what I demanded, then Scott
He shook his head. Scotts okay. Believe it or not, he even got his scholarship. And Marcus is in jail
But I shouldnt have said those awful things to you! she interrupted. The summer shouldnt have ended like that. We shouldnt have ended like that, and Im the one who caused it. You dont know how much it hurts to think that I drove you away
You didnt drive me away, he said gently. I was leaving. You knew that.
But we havent talked, we havent written, and it was just so hard to watch what was happening to my dad I wanted so much to talk to you, but I knew you were mad at me
As she began to cry, he pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her. His embrace somehow made everything better and worse at the same time.
Shhh, he murmured, its okay. I was never as mad as you thought I was.
She squeezed him harder, trying to cling to what theyd shared. But you only called twice.
Because I knew your dad needed you, he said, and I wanted you to concentrate on him, not me. I remember how it was when Mikey died, and I remember wishing that Id had more time with him. I couldnt do that to you.
She buried her face in his shoulder as he held her. All that she could think was that she needed him. She needed his arms around her, needed him to hold her and whisper that theyd find a way to be together.
She felt him lean into her and heard him murmur her name. When she pulled back, she saw him smiling down at her.
Youre wearing the bracelet, he whispered, touching her wrist.
In my thoughts forever. She gave a shaky smile.
He tilted her chin so he could stare closely into her eyes. Im going to call you, okay?
After I get back from Europe.
She nodded, knowing it was all they had, yet knowing it wasnt enough. Their lives were on separate tracks, now and forever. The summer was over, and they were each moving on.
She closed her eyes, hating the truth.
Okay, she whispered.
Epilogue
Ronnie
In the weeks since her dads funeral, Ronnie continued to experience some emotional upheaval, but she supposed that was to be expected. There were days when she woke with a feeling of dread, and she would spend hours reliving those last few months with her dad, too paralyzed with grief and regret to cry. After such an intense period together, it was hard for her to accept that he was suddenly gone, unreachable to her no matter how much she needed him. She felt his absence with a knife-edged sharpness she couldnt contain, and it sometimes left her in a bitter mood.
But those mornings werent as common as theyd been during the first week she was home, and she sensed that theyd become less frequent over time. Staying with and caring for her dad had changed her, and she knew that she would survive. Thats what her dad would have wanted, and she could almost hear him reminding her that she was stronger than she realized. He wouldnt want her to mourn for months; he would want her to live her life much the way he had in the final year of his own life. More than anything, he wanted her to embrace life and flourish.
Jonah, too. She knew her dad would want her to help Jonah move on, and since shed been home, shed spent a lot of time with him. Less than a week after they returned, Jonah was released from school for Christmas break, and shed used the time to make special excursions with him: Shed taken him ice-skating at Rockefeller Center and brought him to the top of the Empire State Building; theyd visited the dinosaur exhibits at the Museum of Natural History, and shed even spent most of one afternoon at FAO Schwarz. Shed always considered such things touristy and unbearably clichéd, but Jonah had enjoyed their outings, and surprisingly, so had she.
They spent quiet time together, too. She sat with him while he watched cartoons, drew pictures with him at the kitchen table, and once, at his request, shed even camped out in his room, sleeping on the floor beside his bed. In those private moments, they sometimes reminisced about the summer and told stories about their dad, which they both found comforting.
Still, she knew Jonah was struggling in his own ten-year-old way. It seemed as though something specific was bothering him, and it came to a head one night when theyd gone for a walk after dinner one blustery night. An icy wind was blowing, and Ronnie had her hands tucked deep into her pockets when Jonah finally turned to her, peeking up from the depths of his parka hood.
Is Mom sick? he asked. Like Dad was?
The question was so surprising that it took her a moment to respond. She stopped, squatting down so she could be at eye level. No, of course not. Why would you think that?
Because the two of you dont fight anymore. Like when you stopped fighting with Dad.
She could see the fear in his eyes and even, in a childlike way, could understand the logic of his thoughts. It was true, after allshe and her mom hadnt argued once since shed returned.
Shes fine. We just got tired of fighting, so we dont do it anymore.
He searched her face. You promise?
She pulled him close, holding him tight. I promise.
Her time with their dad had altered even her relationship with her hometown. It took some time to get accustomed to the city again. She wasnt used to the relentless noise or the constant presence of other people; she had forgotten how the sidewalks were endlessly shadowed by the enormous buildings around her and the way people rushed everywhere, even in the narrow grocery store aisles. Nor did she feel much like socializing; when Kayla had called to see if she wanted to go out, shed passed on the opportunity, and Kayla hadnt called again. Though she supposed they would always share memories, it would be a different sort of friendship from this point on. But Ronnie was okay with that; between being with Jonah and practicing the piano, she had little time for anything else.
Because her dads piano had yet to be shipped back to the apartment, she took the subway to Juilliard and practiced there. Shed called on her first day back in New York and had spoken to the director. Hed been good friends with her dad and had apologized for missing the funeral.
He sounded surprisedand yes, excited, she thoughtto hear from her. When she told him that she was reconsidering applying to Juilliard, he arranged for an accelerated audition schedule and even helped expedite her application.
Only three weeks after arriving back in New York, shed opened her audition with the song shed composed with her dad. She was a little rusty in her classical techniquethree weeks wasnt much time to prepare for a high-level auditionbut as she left the auditorium, she thought her dad would have been proud of her. Then again, she thought with a smile as she tucked his beloved score under her arm, he always had been.
Since the audition, shed been playing three or four hours a day. The director had arranged to let her use the schools practice rooms, and she was beginning to tinker with some fledgling compositions. She thought of her dad often while sitting in the practice rooms, the same rooms that he had once sat in. Occasionally, when the sun was setting, the rays would slice between the buildings around her, throwing long bars of light on the floor. And always when she saw the light, she would think back to his window at the church and the cascade of light shed seen at the funeral.
She thought constantly about Will, of course.
Mostly, she dwelled on memories of their summer rather than their brief encounter outside the church. She hadnt heard from him since the funeral, and as Christmas came and went, she began to lose hope that he would call. She remembered that hed said something about spending the holidays overseas, but as each day elapsed without word from him, she vacillated between the certainty that he still loved her and the hopelessness of their situation. Perhaps it was best that he didnt call, she told herself, for what was there really to say?
She smiled sadly, forcing herself to push such thoughts away. She had work to do, and as she turned her attention to her latest project, a song with country-western and pop influences, she reminded herself that it was time to look ahead, not back. She might or might not be admitted to Juilliard, even if the director had told her that the status of her application looked very promising. No matter what happened, she knew that her future lay in music, and one way or another, she would find her way back to that passion.