Will you just fill out the application, please, Bella? It wont hurt you to apply.
My jaw flexed. You know what? I dont think I will.
I reached for the papers, planning to crumple them into a suitable shape for lobbing at the trashcan, but they were already gone. I stared at the empty table for a moment, and then at Edward. He didnt appear to have moved, but the application was probably already tucked away in his jacket.
What are you doing? I demanded.
I sign your name better than you do yourself. Youve already written the essays.
Youre going way overboard with this, you know. I whispered on the off chance that Charlie wasnt completely lost in his game. I really dont need to apply anywhere else. Ive been accepted in Alaska. I can almost afford the first semesters tuition. Its as good an alibi as any. Theres no need to throw away a bunch of money, no matter whose it is.
A pained looked tightened his face. Bella
Dont start. I agree that I need to go through the motions for Charlies sake, but we both know Im not going to be in any condition to go to school next fall. To be anywhere near people.
My knowledge of those first few years as a new vampire was sketchy. Edward had never gone into detailsit wasnt his favorite subjectbut I knew it wasnt pretty. Self-control was apparently an acquired skill. Anything more than correspondence school was out of the question.
I thought the timing was still undecided, Edward reminded me softly. You might enjoy a semester or two of college. There are a lot of human experiences youve never had.
Ill get to those afterward.
They wont be human experiences afterward. You dont get a second chance at humanity, Bella.
I sighed. Youve got to be reasonable about the timing, Edward. Its just too dangerous to mess around with.
Theres no danger yet, he insisted.
I glared at him. No danger? Sure. I only had a sadistic vampire trying to avenge her mates death with my own, preferably through some slow and torturous method. Who was worried about Victoria? And, oh yeah, the Volturithe vampire royal family with their small army of vampire warriorswho insisted that my heart stop beating one way or another in the near future, because humans werent allowed to know they existed. Right. No reason at all to panic.
Even with Alice keeping watchEdward was relying on her uncannily accurate visions of the future to give us advance warningit was insane to take chances.
Besides, Id already won this argument. The date for my transformation was tentatively set for shortly after my graduation from high school, only a handful of weeks away.
A sharp jolt of unease pierced my stomach as I realized how short the time really was. Of course this change was necessaryand the key to what I wanted more than everything else in the world put togetherbut I was deeply conscious of Charlie sitting in the other room enjoying his game, just like every other night. And my mother, Renée, far away in sunny Florida, still pleading with me to spend the summer on the beach with her and her new husband. And Jacob, who, unlike my parents, would know exactly what was going on when I disappeared to some distant school. Even if my parents didnt grow suspicious for a long time, even if I could put off visits with excuses about travel expenses or study loads or illnesses, Jacob would know the truth.
For a moment, the idea of Jacobs certain revulsion overshadowed every other pain.
Bella, Edward murmured, his face twisting when he read the distress in mine. Theres no hurry. I wont let anyone hurt you. You can take all the time you need.
I want to hurry, I whispered, smiling weakly, trying to make a joke of it. I want to be a monster, too.
His teeth clenched; he spoke through them. You have no idea what youre saying. Abruptly, he flung the damp newspaper onto the table in between us. His finger stabbed the headline on the front page:
DEATH TOLL ON THE RISE, POLICE FEAR GANG ACTIVITY
What does that have to do with anything?
Monsters are not a joke, Bella.
I stared at the headline again, and then up to his hard expression. A . . . a vampire is doing this? I whispered.
He smiled without humor. His voice was low and cold. Youd be surprised, Bella, at how often my kind are the source behind the horrors in your human news. Its easy to recognize, when you know what to look for. The information here indicates a newborn vampire is loose in Seattle. Bloodthirsty, wild, out of control. The way we all were.
I let my gaze drop to the paper again, avoiding his eyes.
Weve been monitoring the situation for a few weeks. All the signs are therethe unlikely disappearances, always in the night, the poorly disposed-of corpses, the lack of other evidence. . . . Yes, someone brand-new. And no one seems to be taking responsibility for the neophyte. . . . He took a deep breath. Well, its not our problem. We wouldnt even pay attention to the situation if wasnt going on so close to home. Like I said, this happens all the time. The existence of monsters results in monstrous consequences.
I tried not to see the names on the page, but they jumped out from the rest of the print like they were in bold. The five people whose lives were over, whose families were mourning now. It was different from considering murder in the abstract, reading those names. Maureen Gardiner, Geoffrey Campbell, Grace Razi, Michelle OConnell, Ronald Albrook. People whod had parents and children and friends and pets and jobs and hopes and plans and memories and futures. . . .
It wont be the same for me, I whispered, half to myself. You wont let me be like that. Well live in Antarctica.
Edward snorted, breaking the tension. Penguins. Lovely.
I laughed a shaky laugh and knocked the paper off the table so I wouldnt have to see those names; it hit the linoleum with a thud. Of course Edward would consider the hunting possibilities. He and his vegetarian familyall committed to protecting human lifepreferred the flavor of large predators for satisfying their dietary needs. Alaska, then, as planned. Only somewhere much more remote than Juneausomewhere with grizzlies galore.
Better, he allowed. There are polar bears, too. Very fierce. And the wolves get quite large.
My mouth fell open and my breath blew out in a sharp gust.
Whats wrong? he asked. Before I could recover, the confusion vanished and his whole body seemed to harden. Oh. Never mind the wolves, then, if the idea is offensive to you. His voice was stiff, formal, his shoulders rigid.
He was my best friend, Edward, I muttered. It stung to use the past tense. Of course the idea offends me.
Please forgive my thoughtlessness, he said, still very formal. I shouldnt have suggested that.
Dont worry about it. I stared at my hands, clenched into a double fist on the table.
We were both silent for a moment, and then his cool finger was under my chin, coaxing my face up. His expression was much softer now.
Sorry. Really.
I know. I know its not the same thing. I shouldnt have reacted that way. Its just that . . . well, I was already thinking about Jacob before you came over. I hesitated. His tawny eyes seemed to get a little bit darker whenever I said Jacobs name. My voice turned pleading in response. Charlie says Jake is having a hard time. Hes hurting right now, and . . . its my fault.
Youve done nothing wrong, Bella.
I took a deep breath. I need to make it better, Edward. I owe him that. And its one of Charlies conditions, anyway
His face changed while I spoke, turning hard again, statue-like.
You know its out of the question for you to be around a werewolf unprotected, Bella. And it would break the treaty if any of us cross over onto their land. Do you want us to start a war?
Of course not!
Then theres really no point in discussing the matter further. He dropped his hand and looked away, searching for a subject change. His eyes paused on something behind me, and he smiled, though his eyes stayed wary.
Im glad Charlie has decided to let you outyoure sadly in need of a visit to the bookstore. I cant believe youre reading Wuthering Heights again. Dont you know it by heart yet?
Not all of us have photographic memories, I said curtly.
Photographic memory or not, I dont understand why you like it. The characters are ghastly people who ruin each others lives. I dont know how Heathcliff and Cathy ended up being ranked with couples like Romeo and Juliet or Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy. It isnt a love story, its a hate story.
You have some serious issues with the classics, I snapped.
Perhaps its because Im not impressed by antiquity. He smiled, evidently satisfied that hed distracted me. Honestly, though, why do you read it over and over? His eyes were vivid with real interest now, tryingagainto unravel the convoluted workings of my mind. He reached across the table to cradle my face in his hand. What is it that appeals to you?
His sincere curiosity disarmed me. Im not sure, I said, scrambling for coherency while his gaze unintentionally scattered my thoughts. I think its something about the inevitability. How nothing can keep them apartnot her selfishness, or his evil, or even death, in the end. . . .
His face was thoughtful as he considered my words. After a moment he smiled a teasing smile. I still think it would be a better story if either of them had one redeeming quality.
I think that may be the point, I disagreed. Their love is their only redeeming quality.
I hope you have better sense than thatto fall in love with someone so . . . malignant.
Its a bit late for me to worry about who I fall in love with, I pointed out. But even without the warning, I seem to have managed fairly well.
He laughed quietly. Im glad you think so.
Well, I hope youre smart enough to stay away from someone so selfish. Catherine is really the source of all the trouble, not Heathcliff.
Ill be on my guard, he promised.
I sighed. He was so good at distractions.
I put my hand over his to hold it to my face. I need to see Jacob.
His eyes closed. No.
Its truly not dangerous at all, I said, pleading again. I used to spend all day in La Push with the whole lot of them, and nothing ever happened.
But I made a slip; my voice faltered at the end because I realized as I was saying the words that they were a lie. It was not true that nothing had ever happened. A brief flash of memoryan enormous gray wolf crouched to spring, baring his dagger-like teeth at mehad my palms sweating with an echo of remembered panic.
Edward heard my heart accelerate and nodded as if Id acknowledged the lie aloud. Werewolves are unstable. Sometimes, the people near them get hurt. Sometimes, they get killed.
I wanted to deny it, but another image slowed my rebuttal. I saw in my head the once beautiful face of Emily Young, now marred by a trio of dark scars that dragged down the corner of her right eye and left her mouth warped forever into a lopsided scowl.
He waited, grimly triumphant, for me to find my voice.
You dont know them, I whispered.
I know them better than you think, Bella. I was here the last time.
The last time?
We started crossing paths with the wolves about seventy years ago. . . . We had just settled near Hoquiam. That was before Alice and Jasper were with us. We outnumbered them, but that wouldnt have stopped it from turning into a fight if not for Carlisle. He managed to convince Ephraim Black that coexisting was possible, and eventually we made the truce.
Jacobs great-grandfathers name startled me.
We thought the line had died out with Ephraim, Edward muttered; it sounded like he was talking to himself now. That the genetic quirk which allowed the transmutation had been lost. . . . He broke off and stared at me accusingly. Your bad luck seems to get more potent every day. Do you realize that your insatiable pull for all things deadly was strong enough to recover a pack of mutant canines from extinction? If we could bottle your luck, wed have a weapon of mass destruction on our hands.
I ignored the ribbing, my attention caught by his assumptionwas he serious? But I didnt bring them back. Dont you know?
Know what?
My bad luck had nothing to do with it. The werewolves came back because the vampires did.
Edward stared at me, his body motionless with surprise.
Jacob told me that your family being here set things in motion. I thought you would already know. . . .
His eyes narrowed. Is that what they think?
Edward, look at the facts. Seventy years ago, you came here, and the werewolves showed up. You come back now, and the werewolves show up again. Do you think thats a coincidence?
He blinked and his glare relaxed. Carlisle will be interested in that theory.
Theory, I scoffed.
He was silent for a moment, staring out the window into the rain; I imagined he was contemplating the fact that his familys presence was turning the locals into giant dogs.
Interesting, but not exactly relevant, he murmured after a moment. The situation remains the same.
I could translate that easily enough: no werewolf friends.
I knew I must be patient with Edward. It wasnt that he was unreasonable, it was just that he didnt understand. He had no idea how very much I owed Jacob Blackmy life many times over, and possibly my sanity, too.
I didnt like to talk about that barren time with anyone, and especially not Edward. He had only been trying to save me when hed left, trying to save my soul. I didnt hold him responsible for all the stupid things Id done in his absence, or the pain I had suffered.
He did.
So I would have to word my explanation very carefully.
I got up and walked around the table. He opened his arms for me and I sat on his lap, nestling into his cool stone embrace. I looked at his hands while I spoke.
Please just listen for a minute. This is so much more important than some whim to drop in on an old friend. Jacob is in pain. My voice distorted around the word. I cant not try to help himI cant give up on him now, when he needs me. Just because hes not human all the time. . . . Well, he was there for me when I was . . . not so human myself. You dont know what it was like. . . . I hesitated. Edwards arms were rigid around me; his hands were in fists now, the tendons standing out. If Jacob hadnt helped me . . . Im not sure what you would have come home to. I owe him better than this, Edward.
I looked up at his face warily. His eyes were closed, and his jaw was strained.
Ill never forgive myself for leaving you, he whispered. Not if I live a hundred thousand years.
I put my hand against his cold face and waited until he sighed and opened his eyes.
You were just trying to do the right thing. And Im sure it would have worked with anyone less mental than me. Besides, youre here now. Thats the part that matters.
If Id never left, you wouldnt feel the need to go risk your life to comfort a dog.
I flinched. I was used to Jacob and all his derogatory slursbloodsucker, leech, parasite. . . . Somehow it sounded harsher in Edwards velvet voice.
I dont know how to phrase this properly, Edward said, and his tone was bleak. Its going to sound cruel, I suppose. But Ive come too close to losing you in the past. I know what it feels like to think I have. I am not going to tolerate anything dangerous.
You have to trust me on this. Ill be fine.
His face was pained again. Please, Bella, he whispered.
I stared into his suddenly burning golden eyes. Please what?
Please, for me. Please make a conscious effort to keep yourself safe. Ill do everything I can, but I would appreciate a little help.
Ill work on it, I murmured.
Do you really have any idea how important you are to me? Any concept at all of how much I love you? He pulled me tighter against his hard chest, tucking my head under his chin.
I pressed my lips against his snow-cold neck. I know how much I love you, I answered.
You compare one small tree to the entire forest.
I rolled my eyes, but he couldnt see. Impossible.
He kissed the top of my head and sighed.
No werewolves.
Im not going along with that. I have to see Jacob.
Then Ill have to stop you.
He sounded utterly confident that this wouldnt be a problem.
I was sure he was right.
Well see about that, I bluffed anyway. Hes still my friend.
I could feel Jacobs note in my pocket, like it suddenly weighed ten pounds. I could hear the words in his voice, and he seemed to be agreeing with Edwardsomething that would never happen in reality.
Doesnt change anything. Sorry.
2 EVASION
I FELT ODDLY BUOYANT AS I WALKED FROM SPANISH toward the cafeteria, and it wasnt just because I was holding hands with the most perfect person on the planet, though that was certainly part of it.
Maybe it was the knowledge that my sentence was served and I was a free woman again.
Or maybe it wasnt anything to do with me specifically. Maybe it was the atmosphere of freedom that hung over the entire campus. School was winding down, and, for the senior class especially, there was a perceptible thrill in the air.
Freedom was so close it was touchable, taste-able. Signs of it were everywhere. Posters crowded together on the cafeteria walls, and the trashcans wore a colorful skirt of spilled-over fliers: reminders to buy yearbooks, class rings, and announcements; deadlines to order graduation gowns, hats, and tassels; neon-bright sales pitchesthe juniors campaigning for class office; ominous, rose-wreathed advertisements for this years prom. The big dance was this coming weekend, but I had an ironclad promise from Edward that I would not be subjected to that again. After all, Id already had that human experience.
No, it must be my personal freedom that lightened me today. The ending of the school year did not give me the pleasure it seemed to give the other students. Actually, I felt nervous to the point of nausea whenever I thought of it. I tried to not think of it.
But it was hard to escape such an omnipresent topic as graduation.
Have you sent your announcements, yet? Angela asked when Edward and I sat down at our table. She had her light brown hair pulled back into a sloppy ponytail instead of her usual smooth hairdo, and there was a slightly frantic look about her eyes.
Alice and Ben were already there, too, on either side of Angela. Ben was intent over a comic book, his glasses sliding down his narrow nose. Alice was scrutinizing my boring jeans-and-a-t-shirt outfit in a way that made me self-conscious. Probably plotting another makeover. I sighed. My indifferent attitude to fashion was a constant thorn in her side. If Id allow it, shed love to dress me every dayperhaps several times a daylike some oversized three-dimensional paper doll.
No, I answered Angela. Theres no point, really. Renée knows when Im graduating. Who else is there?
How about you, Alice?
Alice smiled. All done.
Lucky you. Angela sighed. My mother has a thousand cousins and she expects me to hand-address one to everybody. Im going to get carpal tunnel. I cant put it off any longer and Im just dreading it.
Ill help you, I volunteered. If you dont mind my awful handwriting.
Charlie would like that. From the corner of my eye, I saw Edward smile. He must like that, toome fulfilling Charlies conditions without involving werewolves.
Angela looked relieved. Thats so nice of you. Ill come over any time you want.
Actually, Id rather go to your house if thats okayIm sick of mine. Charlie un-grounded me last night. I grinned as I announced my good news.
Really? Angela asked, mild excitement lighting her always-gentle brown eyes. I thought you said you were in for life.
Im more surprised than you are. I was sure I would at least have finished high school before he set me free.
Well, this is great, Bella! Well have to go out to celebrate.
You have no idea how good that sounds.
What should we do? Alice mused, her face lighting up at the possibilities. Alices ideas were usually a little grandiose for me, and I could see it in her eyes nowthe tendency to take things too far kicking into action.
Whatever youre thinking, Alice, I doubt Im that free.
Free is free, right? she insisted.
Im sure I still have boundarieslike the continental U.S., for example.
Angela and Ben laughed, but Alice grimaced in real disappointment.
So what are we doing tonight? she persisted.
Nothing. Look, lets give it a couple of days to make sure he wasnt joking. Its a school night, anyway.
Well celebrate this weekend, then. Alices enthusiasm was impossible to repress.
Sure, I said, hoping to placate her. I knew I wasnt going to do anything too outlandish; it would be safer to take it slow with Charlie. Give him a chance to appreciate how trustworthy and mature I was before I asked for any favors.
Angela and Alice started talking about options; Ben joined the conversation, setting his comics aside. My attention drifted. I was surprised to find that the subject of my freedom was suddenly not as gratifying as it had been just a moment ago. While they discussed things to do in Port Angeles or maybe Hoquiam, I began to feel disgruntled.
It didnt take long to determine where my restlessness stemmed from.
Ever since Id said goodbye to Jacob Black in the forest outside my home, Id been plagued by a persistent, uncomfortable intrusion of a specific mental picture. It popped into my thoughts at regular intervals like some annoying alarm clock set to sound every half hour, filling my head with the image of Jacobs face crumpled in pain. This was the last memory I had of him.
As the disturbing vision struck again, I knew exactly why I was dissatisfied with my liberty. Because it was incomplete.
Sure, I was free to go to anywhere I wantedexcept La Push; free to do anything I wantedexcept see Jacob. I frowned at the table. There had to be some kind of middle ground.
Alice? Alice!
Angelas voice yanked me from my reverie. She was waving her hand back and forth in front of Alices blank, staring face. Alices expression was something I recognizedan expression that sent an automatic shock of panic through my body. The vacant look in her eyes told me that she was seeing something very different from the mundane lunchroom scene that surrounded us, but something that was every bit as real in its own way. Something that was coming, something that would happen soon. I felt the blood slither from my face.
Then Edward laughed, a very natural, relaxed sound. Angela and Ben looked toward him, but my eyes were locked on Alice. She jumped suddenly, as if someone had kicked her under the table.
Is it naptime already, Alice? Edward teased.
Alice was herself again. Sorry, I was daydreaming, I guess.
Daydreamings better than facing two more hours of school, Ben said.
Alice threw herself back into the conversation with more animation than beforejust a little bit too much. Once I saw her eyes lock with Edwards, only for a moment, and then she looked back to Angela before anyone else noticed. Edward was quiet, playing absentmindedly with a strand of my hair.
I waited anxiously for a chance to ask Edward what Alice had seen in her vision, but the afternoon passed without one minute of alone time.
It felt odd to me, almost deliberate. After lunch, Edward slowed his pace to match Bens, talking about some assignment I knew hed already finished. Then there was always someone else there between classes, though we usually had a few minutes to ourselves. When the final bell rang, Edward struck up a conversation with Mike Newton of all people, falling into step beside him as Mike headed for the parking lot. I trailed behind, letting Edward tow me along.
I listened, confused, while Mike answered Edwards unusually friendly queries. It seemed Mike was having car troubles.
. . . but I just replaced the battery, Mike was saying. His eyes darted ahead and then back to Edward warily. Mystified, just like I was.
Perhaps its the cables? Edward offered.
Maybe. I really dont know anything about cars, Mike admitted. I need to have someone look at it, but I cant afford to take it to Dowlings.
I opened my mouth to suggest my mechanic, and then snapped it shut again. My mechanic was busy these daysbusy running around as a giant wolf.
I know a few thingsI could take a look, if you like, Edward offered. Just let me drop Alice and Bella at home.
Mike and I both stared at Edward with our mouths hanging open.
Er . . . thanks, Mike mumbled when he recovered. But I have to get to work. Maybe some other time.
Absolutely.
See ya. Mike climbed into his car, shaking his head in disbelief.
Edwards Volvo, with Alice already inside, was just two cars away.
What was that about? I muttered as Edward held the passenger door for me.
Just being helpful, Edward answered.
And then Alice, waiting in the backseat, was babbling at top speed.
Youre really not that good a mechanic, Edward. Maybe you should have Rosalie take a look at it tonight, just so you look good if Mike decides to let you help, you know. Not that it wouldnt be fun to watch his face if Rosalie showed up to help. But since Rosalie is supposed to be across the country attending college, I guess thats not the best idea. Too bad. Though I suppose, for Mikes car, youll do. Its only within the finer tunings of a good Italian sports car that youre out of your depth. And speaking of Italy and sports cars that I stole there, you still owe me a yellow Porsche. I dont know that I want to wait for Christmas. . . .
I stopped listening after a minute, letting her quick voice become just a hum in the background as I settled into my patient mode.
It looked to me like Edward was trying to avoid my questions. Fine. He would have to be alone with me soon enough. It was only a matter of time.
Edward seemed to realize that, too. He dropped Alice at the mouth of the Cullens drive as usual, though by this point I half expected him to drive her to the door and walk her in.
As she got out, Alice threw a sharp look at his face. Edward seemed completely at ease.
See you later, he said. And then, ever so slightly, he nodded.
Alice turned to disappear into the trees.
He was quiet as he turned the car around and headed back to Forks. I waited, wondering if he would bring it up himself. He didnt, and this made me tense. What had Alice seen today at lunch? Something he didnt want to tell me, and I tried to think of a reason why he would keep secrets. Maybe it would be better to prepare myself before I asked. I didnt want to freak out and have him think I couldnt handle it, whatever it was.
So we were both silent until we got to back to Charlies house.
Light homework load tonight, he commented.
Mmm, I assented.
Do you suppose Im allowed inside again?
Charlie didnt throw a fit when you picked me up for school.
But I was sure Charlie was going to turn sulky fast when he got home and found Edward here. Maybe I should make something extra-special for dinner.
Inside, I headed up the stairs, and Edward followed. He lounged on my bed and gazed out the window, seeming oblivious to my edginess.
I stowed my bag and turned the computer on. There was an unanswered e-mail from my mom to attend to, and she got panicky when I took too long. I drummed my fingers as I waited for my decrepit computer to wheeze awake; they snapped against the desk, staccato and anxious.
And then his fingers were on mine, holding them still.
Are we a little impatient today? he murmured.
I looked up, intending to make a sarcastic remark, but his face was closer than Id expected. His golden eyes were smoldering, just inches away, and his breath was cool against my open lips. I could taste his scent on my tongue.
I couldnt remember the witty response Id been about to make. I couldnt remember my name.
He didnt give me a chance to recover.
If I had my way, I would spend the majority of my time kissing Edward. There wasnt anything Id experienced in my life that compared to the feeling of his cool lips, marble hard but always so gentle, moving with mine.
I didnt often get my way.
So it surprised me a little when his fingers braided themselves into my hair, securing my face to his. My arms locked behind his neck, and I wished I was strongerstrong enough to keep him prisoner here. One hand slid down my back, pressing me tighter against his stone chest. Even through his sweater, his skin was cold enough to make me shiverit was a shiver of pleasure, of happiness, but his hands began to loosen in response.