He held his own emotion back. Just barely. But he knew she needed to get it out. The way she sobbed he bet she hadnt given in to tears in years. This needed to be about her, and if he let go of the rage simmering in his belly, shed hold back. And God knew shed held back more than enough for far too long.
She finally quieted down and after a time he pulled back enough to look into her face. Her gaze was down and he kissed her forehead. Hey.
Im so sorry. She tried to move but he held her in place.
I dont accept your apology. You dont get to apologize for having emotions. Now. How about some tea? He stood, bringing her to her feet along with him. He kept an arm around her waist as he moved to the kitchen area.
She said nothing as he deposited her on a stool at the kitchen island and rustled through her cabinets. Christ, who knew youd be the type to have ninety types of tea?
She sighed and he looked back over his shoulder. Youre going to have to help me. Which? He waved a hand at the array of tea she had in her cabinet.
The one with the sleepy bear on it.
Ah. Makes sense I guess.
He put water in her teakettle and teabags in the mugs.
I dont know what to say. Other than Im honored you shared so much with me. And that youre amazing.
Im not amazing. Im someone who had some bad shit happen to her. Its not unique. It doesnt make me special or amazing. I told you this before.
And you were full of shit then too.
She sighed again, so much emotion in such a simple thing. He knew he had to back off, to let all the stuff shed saidand the fact that shed said itpercolate. She needed it, that space. But he wanted so badly to gather her up and take care of her.
So I have a proposal.
Does it involve your cock and any part of my anatomy?
He grinned at her. You know me so well. But actually, not this time. Maybe later though. I have several guest rooms. How about you come back to my house. You can use my bathroom to your hearts content. You can sleep over in one of the spare rooms.
Wariness warred with exhaustion in her features.
There are locks. On the doors, I mean. My house has a great security system too. No one can get in without my knowing it. Ill leave you be. Until the morning anyway. We havent had morning sex yet and so, well, when you wake up you can come to me.
She wanted to say yes. Really badly. Not least of which because she really loved his bathroom and that claw-foot tub looked like heaven on earth.
I promise to leave you alone. The kettle whistled and he turned to take care of it and pour the water to steep. Ill be there if you want me. But Ill let you make the choices. Dont be alone tonight. Im going to worry about you if youre not with me. And I know thats selfish.
And manipulative.
He handed the mug her way. That too. I want you there. For both of us. But youre so fucking stubborn youll say no, thinking you dont need it. But you do. And its been a hard day and I want you to have it. I want you to sleep tonight knowing Im just down the hall if you want me. I want you to be in my house when I wake up. I want you to sit at my table and drink coffee with me in the morning. Let me take care of you. Let yourself be taken care of.
Why does it matter to you? She needed to know, though she wasnt sure how shed feel when he answered.
It matters because you matter. I cant remove your past. I cant kill anyone to avenge you. I cant make it better that way. But the thought of you here alone after all the stuff youve revealed tonight? After the shit with Gwen and my mother, after what youve told me about sleeping alone? It tears me up. Because I care about you and I want you to know you mean something to me. I want you to understand Id do anything for you, including going back to my house alone if thats what you need. But I dont think it is. I think youve been alone for so long you think its normal. But its not. Let someone care about you. Let me fucking help in some way.
She took the bag out of her mug and sipped. Chamomile would soothe her nerves and her stomach too.
All right, she said at last.
He sighed, his shoulders relaxing. Good. Drink your tea and we can get a bag together for you.
13
He tried to ignore the sound of her in his bathroom. She moved slow, like shed been in a car accident or something. And he supposed in a sense she had.
Hed brought her to his place. She even let him drive her car. Hed put her bag in the guest room just a few doors down from his. Shed run her fingers over the lock on the back of the door as shed left the room and his heart broke anew.
Hed urged her to his bathroom, telling her hed return with a glass of wine in a few minutes, and shed nodded without saying anything.
For then though, he stood in his hallway, leaning against the wall where pictures of his daughter, of his friends and family hung and felt, in no small amount, like that car had hit him too.
She was damaged and jagged. It was true. No one who lived a life like the one she had could have escaped it without a healthy bit of baggage.
That she was so bold and blunt and brutally honest, even with herself, didnt make her weak. It made her strong. He wished he knew how to make her see it. But he desperately didnt want to fuck it up. Didnt want to make her regret sharing.
She seemed confusedbefuddled eventhat he hadnt rejected her. That he wanted to take care of her and hadnt walked away. The helpless rage of it battered his heart.
Because he loved her.
God help him, he loved her so fucking much it hurt to breathe as he thought about her just on the other side of the door. Holding it together because thats all she had.
He sucked in a breath and stood taller. Hed be what she never had. Hed love her with the same surety he did everything else. There was nothing but that to be done. He knew he had to be careful not to feel sorry for her, though goddamn, he did in so many ways. But she didnt want or need pity. His pity would only drive her away, or worse, make her think the reason he wanted her was to fix her.
He tapped on the door. Ready for wine? He didnt go in, though he wanted to. There would be time, later, to dominate her and help her let go of the control she clung to so hard right then. But she needed it for the next little while.
Sure.
Her voice was small, but a little better than it had been earlier. Hed take that as a win.
She was in his bathtub, her hair wet, slicked back from her face, leaving her young and vulnerable. Youre beautiful even without makeup. He shook his head as he brought the wine to her. Enjoy it. Ill be back in a while to see if you want another glass. Just call out if you need me. For anything. Ill be in my room.
She let out a shaky sigh as she sipped. Do you have music?
I do. What would you like to hear?
Surprise me.
He bent to kiss the top of her head. All right.
And then . . . you can come back. If you want.
He tried to remain nonchalant but inside he was celebrating the bit of ground shed just given up to him.
Give me a few. Ill be back. Always.
She sipped a rather fine glass of red and sighed when Beth Orton began to fill the air.
He wasnt irresistible enough? He had to like Beth Orton too? How much was a girl supposed to take anyway?
He gave her space. She needed it and hed known that. For a man like himso infuriatingly pushy and bossyto have backed off and let her process had been important.
He came in a few minutes later with a bottle and another glass.
This okay?
I love Beth Orton. Also, this is a very good wine. I should probably get out. The water will be getting cold. But she made no move to do so.
I have a pretty big water heater tank. Want me to freshen the water with hot?
She cracked open an eye. He stood here, his hair tousled, wearing a T-shirt and low-slung sleep pants. He was a thousand kinds of hot. Protective. Dominant.
You scare me sometimes, he muttered, though he smiled and ruined the effect. Or rather, made it a million times hotter.
What have I done to be scary? I mean right now.
You look at me and I know youre thinking stuff. Sometimes its stuff that makes me really lucky. Other times I worry for my safety.
Keeps you on your toes. She stood and felt better at the way he took her in. It wasnt the gaze of a man who felt pity, or that she was damaged goods. His eyes were hungry, lit with appreciation and desire.
He put the wine down and wrapped her in the towel when she stepped out.
Let me.
She struggled, taking the towel and stepping back. Shed only just managed to get her control into place. The lure of letting him take over was a lot to get past. But she needed to or shed fall apart.
I need to do it myself.
Fair enough. He leaned against the counter, sipping his wine as she dried off. He handed her the lotion and she slathered it on, filling the room with the scent of coconut.
The rhythm of it soothed her, the scent, the warmth of the room and the slight buzz from the wine. And him. She should not get used to him, get used to drawing comfort from him, but it was past that.
I forgot a brush. She squeezed the water from her hair with the towel.
He opened a drawer and moved things around before holding one up. Will this do?
She nodded.
Can I?
She nodded, turning to face the mirror. He moved up behind her and began to slowly brush her hair. She closed her eyes and held on to the counter in front of her to keep from melting into a puddle.
How about you get dressed and then we can go into the guest room and you can settle on the bed while I finish brushing? Its been a long day and youll be more comfortable. Plus, youre all glisteny and you smell good and youre naked. A guy can only take so much. He smiled at her reflection and she leaned back against him before nodding.
She pulled panties and her pajamas on and then socks. He smiled at her the whole time. What?
Whats not to smile at? Theres a sleepy, gorgeous woman in my house. Also, its sort of cute how you wear socks.
There is nothing cute about me. Anyway, my feet get cold. Its fall. She frowned, but it didnt last long as he settled on the bed and she joined him. He was so gentle with her she sort of melted into him, totally relaxed.
After what felt like a very long time, he leaned down and kissed her. Go to sleep. Ill take you to breakfast tomorrow if you like. Wake me when youre ready.
He went out, locking the door before he closed it, and she realized she was in way too deep with Jonah.
She pulled the blankets up and snuggled down. The room smelled like him, which calmed her jangled nerves.
She figured dreams would keep her awake, or nervousness would mess with her sleep, but it didnt happen. She was asleep before shed been able to obsess over it too much.
14
He woke up early, as he usually did, even on weekends. Decades of being up for 8 a.m. meetings had pretty much ruined his ability to really sleep late.
But she was there too. Thats what woke him. She stood in his doorway, hugging the doorjamb, looking hesitant.
He pulled his blankets back and she came to him. Best wake-up Ive had in ages, he said as he snuggled her up against his body.
Yeah? She climbed atop, grinding her cunt against him.
Well, I do like to say theres always room for improvement. Youve got a good start. She was glorious in the morning. Her hair tousled and soft around her face. No makeup. She was warm and soft and goddamn, he wanted more.
The shadows from the night before were gone. He knew those memories took up a permanent place inside her, but he was glad she looked better.
Howd you sleep?
Bed is very comfortable. Its quiet. You have a great house. Thank you for . . . you know, everything.
He cupped her neck. Anytime.
Yeah?
He tried to focus on the words, but hello, nearly naked woman grinding herself against his cock. Careful there, missy, youre playing with fire.
She pulled her shirt up and over her head. I am? Gosh, I sure wouldnt want that.
He rolled and she landed on his bed on her back. One quick movement and her pants and underwear were gone and she was gloriously naked on his sheets. Where she should be.
Now then. Are you being deliberately provocative? He tugged a nipple between his teeth and she moaned.
What gave me away?
He laughed, really liking this side of her.
Dont move. He got out of bed and she watched him, a smile on her lips.
He went to his drawer, the one hed begun to think of as Ravens drawer. He kept his toys in it. Things hed bought with her in mind. The chain hed bought for her was there and he thought of a good use for it. Just not right then.
He saw what he was looking for and pulled it out, turning.
Her gaze went to the collar in his hand, one of those imperious brows of hers rising.
Kneeling please.
She did it immediately and he liked that more than he could put into words. Her hands went behind her back.
After hed gotten her in bed the night before hed stayed up very late thinking about the entire situation. Whether or not it was a good idea to continue with the D/s nature of their relationship. The last thing he wanted to do was harm her. Or push any of her buttons related to what he knew was a pretty fucked-up childhood.
But then hed realized that if he had pushed buttons that way she would have told him. Probably not directly, but Raven Smith did not do things she didnt want to do. And she got off on their relationship just as much as he did. It wasnt therapy. It wasnt a balm to her wounds. She liked it when he dominated her and he liked to do it. All the other stuff wasnt a part of it. And if it ever became part of it, shed call a halt to it.
You see, I was thinking about you. As I often do. And I realized how much it would please me if you wore a collar. My collar. But youre not a leather-collar type of woman. I wanted something that would be unique. Like you are. He held up the platinum choker.
You want to collar me? Like a slave?
He laughed. No. I dont want a slave, and if I did, you and I wouldnt be together. I want you to be reminded of me; of the way youre mine. All day. Every day. I dont need the whole world to know it. Just you and me.
Her eyes glittered. Not with anger. Not with fear.
Im not one to make a commitment.
Because none of the people before were right for you. I am. You know it or youd have stormed out of here two minutes ago when I first held up the choker. You like it. When you get these fool ideas about how flighty you are, or how you dont do monogamy, you can think about what youre wearing around your neck and know youre lying to yourself. Youre mine, Raven. Try to deny that. I dare you.
She sucked in a breath, her mouth opening to speak. He waited.
No one owns me, she said at long last.
No one but you. I said, I dont want to own you. When I say youre mine, you know exactly what I mean. And youre scared. Scared Ill fuck you over, or run away or whatever. Im telling you right now that youre here with me. Like I want. Like Ive wanted since the first conversation we ever had. I get what I want and I want you. Not to own. Not to harm. But to cherish.
He held the choker closer to her and she examined it. But her hands were still clasped at her back.
And if I wear it, what does that mean?
I told you what it means to me. What would it mean to you? Hm? Thats not something I want or even am prepared to tell you. You own your own feelings, your own reactions. When I put it on and youre wearing a declaration of your connection and commitment to me, what would it mean to you?
She took a slightly shaky breath.
I dont know.
He smiled at her. She was scared and he didnt blame her. Yes, you do.
He stroked a hand down her neck with the backs of his fingers. Cosseted? Hm? Protected? Safe in the knowledge theres someone out there who adores you, flaws and all? Confined, but in the best way? All these others who tolerated your refusal to commit, they were one thing. Im another. Were another and you know it. Will you wear it?
She swallowed hard and then nodded.
He slid it on and it felt totally right as he secured the two clasps to hold it. It glittered against her skin, fitting perfectly. It was a lovely piece of jewelry. Something she could wear and no one would think twice over. But shed know. And he would too.
Beautiful.
Her gaze dropped and he tipped her chin up. Mmmm. Cant deny it, gorgeous. Beautiful. And mine. Like Im yours, and thats good too. Makes me hard.
Would you like me to do something about that?
She knew that he found her attractive, yes, but there was this way she had, she got right to him. It wasnt coy, it wasnt practiced, and though she certainly wasnt innocent, the way she got to him was.
He shoved his pants down and off, kicking them to the side. Now you can. Suck my cock.
She gave him one last look. Can I move my hands? This angle will make it hard to keep from falling off the bed.
Yes.
She bent forward, kissing his belly and over to his hip bone before doing the same on the other side. He watched her back, the shock of how alluring she was ricocheting through him.
With one hand braced on the bed, she grabbed his cock at the root with the other and held him out so she could take him into her mouth. First she sucked slow, keeping him really wet. She licked around the crown, sucking hard and then soft, enough to bring a grunt and a flex of his hips, demanding more.
She slid her fist down, holding the skin taut as she followed, taking him deep. She stretched her fingers out to stroke his balls. Up and down. Over and over. It was so good he let it go longer than he should have. He was right up against climax when he put a restraining hand on her shoulder and stepped back.
He struggled for breath as he looked down at her.
She licked her lips and he grinned. Goddamn. Im going to fuck you.
The choker was cool against the skin of her neck. It was wide enough that she knew it was there. It wasnt a piece of jewelry shed forget about, which she guessed was the point after all. It made her feel . . . it anchored her, the solid weight of it, the way it seemed to caress her throat the way he held her throat in his palm at times.
It made her pussy slick, hardened her nipples and her clit. She wanted him to fuck her so badly it had taken all her control not to beg him, to keep sucking his cock the way she knew he liked. Knowing hed take care of her.
It was a big step and one that had scared her spitless. Trusting anyone else to put her needs first and foremost wasnt something she did often. The number of people she trusted like that, she could count on one hand.
But this man, this reason she broke her rules, well, there seemed to be nothing else she could do. She was still scared enough to shake a little. But she was so sick of being scared and alone.
I want you facedown on the bed. One leg bent, knee up. I want you open.
She did it quickly. Placing her hands high, like she knew hed tell her to.
He hummed his satisfaction and she knew shed made the right choice.
One cuff slid over her hand and to her wrist where he tightened it. He hooked it to the strap on his bed. A few ticks later and she was stretched. Not painfully so, but certainly very aware she was giving over to him.
The other wrist, same movements, and she had to close her eyes against it. Nothing in her life had ever felt like this. She wasnt even sure what this was. Only that it kept her from floating. His hands on her, his attention and focus made her feel beautiful and desired. Not as a thing. Not as some white-trash whore as shed been regarded for many years. But as this mans woman.
A shiver ran through her as he ran covetous hands from her fingertips, down her arms and back. He stopped at her hips and held on, his fingers digging in.
Youre so fucking beautiful. It drives me out of my mind to see you this way in my bed.
She heard the condom wrapper tear and knew hed be in her soon. Even so, she couldnt help but arch as much as she could to take him deeper when he finally nudged her open with the head of his cock.
He swore under his breath and she loved it. His fingers tightened on her hips and she loved it. She did it again, taking him deep, and he let go, slapping one ass cheek so hard she could picture the red mark he would have left. It burned against the coolness of the room, burned against his skin when he adjusted, fucking her in earnest now.
His weight pressed her into the bed, limited her range of movement. And she loved that too.
More, she managed to gasp out.
He let go of her hip and she waited for the slap on her ass. But he slid a hand between her body and the bed and found her clit. He managed to squeeze her clit with the tips of his fingers as he continued to fuck her deep.
You cant come until I say so.
She wanted to argue. It was ridiculous after all to order such a thing. Shed come when she wanted to, damn it. It wasnt as if she was a yogi with that sort of mind/body control.
But she knew it would be a lie. Knew shed do her damndest to make it happen however he wanted it to.
He kept thrusting and she sort of floated awhile, the pleasure flooding her system, lulling her even as it excited. She wanted to come. Wanted him to come. Wanted to please him.
She squeezed her inner muscles over and over and he hummed. Well now, thats quite lovely. And then he growled as she kept it up. His fingers on her clit sped up a little, squeezed just a little harder. Im ready. Come around my cock.
Like he hit a switch, orgasm burst through her with alarming speed. Brilliant. Sharp shards of pleasure seemed to slice through her as she heard him say her name, knew he was coming too.
It went on and on for some time until he pressed a kiss to her shoulder and pulled out gently. The bed moved as he got up, but she was content to keep lying there, her arms up above her head, wrists bound. On display.
All the noise quieted when he touched her. What all it meant she didnt really know, only that it made things better.
Whats your plan for the rest of the day? He asked her this as they sat at a diner, their breakfasts piping hot on the table in front of them.
I promised Erin Id go out to Bainbridge to a Halloween party thing. Theyre doing a costume parade and MilesGillian and Adrians sonhis band is playing. I tried very hard to get out of it, but she guilted me.
He smiled at her. Why try to get out of it?
Its exhausting trying to behave all the time. She poured syrup on her stack of pancakes.
He laughed then. Oh, gorgeous, youre something else.
Hm.
Behave how?
Theyre all so nice. Perky. Everyone loves everyone else and theyre close and blah. I go because Alexander will look adorable in his little costume and Im sure Martine and Poppy will too. Rennie tells me shes too old for that stuff, but shes old enough to get a little giggly around Miless friends who, thankfully, are old enough to think shes an annoying-little-sister type instead of make-out material.
I notice youre talking about the kids and not the adults.
I like children better. She chewed for a while, sipping her coffee, before she spoke again. Though some adults do all right.
I never really pegged you for an earth-mother type.
She laughed. Stop, youre going to make me choke. Im not. Not in a million years. But Im a decent aunt. And Alexander, Martine and Poppy are too young to judge me for anything but the quality of snacks in my cabinets and how many of those tiny board books Im willing to read.
Just when I think Im getting you figured out, you go and prove me wrong. Do you ever, you know, think about having a child of your own someday?
Im getting older. I come from some fucked-up stock. My family was enough. What kind of person would I be to do that to a kid?
I had a child and my mother . . . well, youve met her.
Your mother loves you. Shes a hard-case bitch with her nose a little too high in the air, dont get me wrong. But I can guarantee she never left you alone for ten minutes, much less dropped you off at the corner convenience store and didnt come back for nearly two years.
He blinked at her.
Im sorry. I . . . Its like telling you stuff has loosened my tongue.
He took her hand, his fingers tangling with hers. Dont apologize. Im glad youre sharing with me. I cant get past that initial moment of rage when I hear how you were treated when you were at your most vulnerable.
So I come from a bunch of assholes. There are already a lot of assholes who had kids and fucked them up. Im not sure I can overcome my DNA to not do the same. I mean, can you imagine me at a PTA meeting?
He grinned. I totally can. He shrugged. Ive seen you when you talk about Alexander. I know you love him, and from what I understand, he loves you right back. Seems to me what your situation was had a lot more to do with how they acted, not their biology. Hell, Charlotte, my ex-wife, her parents were really involved when she and her siblings grew up. And shes a terrible mother. Its not always biology, Raven. Some people are just, as you so eloquently put it, assholes.
Anyway, I dont know. I have a studio apartment and I like to travel. Having a baby isnt in the cards for me.
But he could see her holding a baby. Their baby. He didnt say that out loud, not wanting to scare her away and also needing to process, yet again, how fast this was all moving. He wasnt impulsive. He was the type of man who took forever just to decide what to order off a menu. But the way he felt for Raven was apparently outside all the rules in his life. The way he felt for her simply was. He knew it as sure as he knew gravity existed and that he had to pay his taxes.
Do you . . . She shook her head and went back to eating.
What?
Never mind.
No way, you dont get to do that. Do I what?
Do you want to go with me? To this Halloween thing tonight?
It was the first time shed done the asking, and he liked it.
Yeah. Id like that. I want to get to know your friends better. Im sure Daisy and Levi will be there. I know Daisy and Gillian are close. Shes got pictures of Poppy and Miles all over her and Levis house.
Okay then. I need to go home for a while. I really need to exercise. Ive done nothing but eat too much and drink a lot of beer since you came along. My clothes are going to get tight.
Want to go kayaking with me and my brother Eli?
Warily she considered that. I dont know.
Hell like you. I told him about you earlier this week. Hes sort of feral himself.
Dont you want to do the brother thing? If you spend a lot of time with me, youre going to figure out Im sort of a bitch.
He laughed, having to put down his cup of coffee before he started to choke.
Gorgeous, I figured that out weeks ago. Im still here.
She pulled her phone out to check her calendar and noted she had several bookings starting in just a few hours and lasting until about an hour before the party. She frowned. Shed told Maggie, the woman who ran the shop, that it was all right to give her appointments, so it wasnt like anyone had done anything wrong. The business was good. She liked having money in savings. But, she had to admit she liked the idea of spending time with Jonah and meeting his brother.
She looked up from the phone and shrugged. Apparently Im going to be inking people for many hours today. Im sorry. I love to kayak though, so if you want to in the future and feel up to having me along, Id go.