Stop pretending to be so hard. This is me youre talking to.
It makes me really tired. With you I dont have to work so fucking hard. Im just . . . anyway. Maybe Ill go.
Erin searched her features and Raven didnt want to be known so well right then. She craved the lonelybut under her controlspace people made around her when they didnt get her.
And Erin made it worse by hugging her and speaking in her ear. I love you, Raven. I love every part of you. I accept you because you always have loved every part of me. Thank you.
Stop. Please. Not now. Tears threatened and she willed them away.
Erin brushed the hair back from Ravens face. Im sorry. I just like being around you and its been so awesome having you here more since Alexander has come. I want other people to know you like Brody and I do.
Yeah, well, not everyone finds my honesty refreshing. She stepped back, pulling herself together. I have a client coming in a bit. Ill talk to you soon. I promise. And I love you too.
Brody had noted the exchange with a raised brow to Erin, but said nothing. Erin knew her brother would ask her later on just what had transpired between them.
Alexander patted the hand of the client getting the ink. Nice going, dude. He hopped down as Brody laughed and kissed the top of his head. Bye, Bo. See you later. Love you.
Love you too, monkey.
Alexander ran back to his mom but stopped to get a hug from Raven, whod knelt to get face-to-face with him.
Love you, Auntie.
You know I love you right back. Always and forever. But I like to say it anyway. Because you make me happy.
Erin knew they werent just words to Raven. Many people told kids stuff but didnt really think on the depth of commitment the words given came with. People said I love you with so much ease, but they didnt usually mean it. Not really.
The thing people did not understand about Raven, because they only saw her outside, was that she didnt say anything casually. Or easily. Though she was often blunt, it was her way of trying to connect on some level. But when it didnt work, it only pushed her further away.
She let very few people get close, but once she loved, she loved totally and forever. Alexander was lucky to have her in his life.
Even her men, whod distrusted Raven at first, had come to realize just how fiercely Raven loved their son and through that, theyd come to know her better and even to like her.
She needed the details on this thing with Jonah Warner. For far too long, Raven had kept her dalliances shallow and only about the physical. A man like Jonah might only want a few fucks, but Raven was playing it close to the vest. Which was unusual.
What are you up to tonight?
I have a late client here and after that Im getting a massage.
And tomorrow night is tattoo night with the bossy Mr. Warner. So then we obviously need to talk on Saturday. Come along with me. I need to get a new pair of boots and a birthday present for Ella. Ill pick you up at your place at noon. We can get lunch and go shopping after.
Raven eyed her suspiciously but nodded. All right.
Itd give her more time to work on Raven about going to the supper club too. Win/win.
Come on, monkey. We need to get bread and milk on the way home.
Kay. He tucked his hand into hers and squeezed, grinning up at her.
Whats going on in your life?
Jonah had just signed on to a video chat with Carrie. She was so grown up, so far across the world, that for a moment the bittersweetness of it was a lump in his throat. This was his child. Only she wasnt a child anymore. She was nearly grown up. On the cusp of college. She looked a lot like her mother, but he knew shed react to that beauty differently. And was grateful for it.
Not much. Im getting a tattoo on my back. The wolf idea we talked about before you left.
Really? Good. Grandmother is going to freak. Please wait to share it with her until I get back so I can see it in person. She broke into giggles and he snorted.
Your grandmother thinks youre such a proper young woman. I wont spoil it for her just yet. I miss you.
I miss you too. Im used to telling you everything every single night when you get home from work. Now I have to e-mail you everything. I went out on a date. She laughed again, most likely at the look on his face. Hes in the program here with me. Hes nice, Dad.
It was really, really hard letting go. He knew hed raised her right. With a sense of herself and her limits. He knew shed make mistakes. Everyone did, especially when they were young. But still.
Be aware Ill have to have anyone who hurts you killed. He shrugged. I know people.
Carries delighted laugh soothed his suspicion of the phantom boy.
Mom is going to be in Milan next month. She had her people contact me to see if Id like to go to lunch and do some shopping.
He blew out a breath, trying to take cues from Carrie on how to react. He hoped his suspicion and derision didnt show. Most likely Charlotte wanted an all-expense-paid weekend and would use their daughter to get that. But god knew he wasnt going to let that occur to Carrie if he could help it.
All right. I can add money to your account and get you a ticket and arrange a hotel. That way he could control it somewhat.
Its all right. I have a museum trip that weekend. I dont want to miss it.
He didnt know how to make it better. It tore him up.
Tell me what you need.
She walked away. I wish she hadnt. But she did. And I have you and everyone else at home. Maybe when Im older I can do lunch with her and itll be okay. But not now. Not for a while. Not here.
You dont have to not see her because youre worried about how Ill feel. I want you to have a relationship with your mother, Carrie. She loves you.
In her way. But its all about her. And right now, here its about me. She probably wants to see me to get you to give her more money anyway.
He scrubbed his hands over his face. That bitch hed married had no right to manipulate their child to get more of anything from him. But she did it and he believed part of it was that she wanted to poke at him, knowing how much he hated it.
Im sorry you get put in the middle.
Im a big girl. Anyway, I dont want you to feel bad. I only told you in case you heard about it otherwise. I didnt want you to think I was hiding it. Lets change the subject now. Are you dating?
Theres someone interesting. I dont know yet. Not dating. More like getting to know her first. If shes dating material, Ill tell you more.
Im not harboring any fantasies that youre going to get back with Mom or anything. Youre a man in the prime of his life. I want you out there.
I promise Im not withering up and dying. I take my personal life seriously. I have a family and Im not just going to bring random people into it. Not because I think you cant handle it. But because I respect my life and my daughter enough to make the right choices.
Youre so awesome. By the way, since Im buttering you up and all, can I take a side trip to Paris with some of the other kids after Halloween? Just for four days. Therell be chaperones even.
Hm. I want to hear from your program assistant about it. If it looks safe, yes. As long as youre home for Thanksgiving.
Thanks, Dad. And yes, Ill definitely be home! I got the ticket and everything.
Things were changing. More than they had in a really long time. Since the divorce, when all the change had been positive but came from an extremely negative process.
But it was five years later. Seven, really, since things had deteriorated so badly between him and the ex. Carrie had blossomed as a teenager. Her grades had improved when Charlotte had left for New York and exited Carries life.
Carrie was moving on to the next step. Going to college in the fall. He missed that little girl hed taught how to sail. But he knew shed be a wonderful woman. Knew she was strong and intelligent and would succeed. He was proud of that. Proud of her.
And now he had time to think about himself again. Not as a father. Not as a son or a partner at work. But as a man.
Change was good.
6
So lets try you sitting first. Im going to get the outline started.
Raven had shown up with her hair tied away from her face, in an ages-old Bikini Kill T-shirt and faded jeans. She was just as beautiful as she was more dressed up.
How long will it take, do you think?
All told? A full back piece can take several sessions. This is mainly black and gray work, but therell be lots of shading. That sort of detail is more time consuming than the larger sections of black. She shrugged. Its not going to be a quick one.
Not like he was going to complain at getting her in his house one on one.
Okay then. Dinner after?
She gave him a raised brow. Youre not going to feel like making me dinner after I work on you for two hours.
I know how to dial a phone. And I promised martinis.
She shrugged. All right then.
He turned music on before pulling his shirt off and sitting, straddling the back of the chair as she rolled a nearby stool over.
Step one is that Im going to do a transfer of sorts of my design to your back. Mainly so you can see the position to be sure you like the placement. The detail I do as I go along. I like that part. Its organic. We gonna be all right with that?
Whatever are you trying to say?
She snorted. Youre a control freak. This is my design. I make the choices. Im quite bossy about that.
Im not sure you know me well enough yet to say Im a control freak. Though youre right. There are areas Im willing to cede to you. How the tattoo evolves is one of them. Ive seen enough of your work to know you have a great aesthetic and one I click with.
Hm.
She settled in behind him, touching him matter-of-factly for several moments before rolling back and putting a mirror in his hand. Go look to be sure its where you want it.
He did, liking where shed put it.
Good.
Itll dominate your back, but in a good way.
He smiled her way and liked her startled response. Liked shaking her up for some reason. He felt like a predator around her.
Sit down so I can get started.
He got back into position and so did she. He watched in the corner of his vision as she got her ink and stuff set up on a low table next to her stool. It wasnt long before the buzz of the needle machine filled the air and she got closer and began the outline.
Tattooing was a ritual for her. Some people lit candles or prayed. She loved the hum of the needle. Loved the feel of the skin under her hands and the beginning of a new design.
He was muscled. Not in a bodybuilder sense, but he was fit and he had wide shoulders and a strong back. The tat would look sexy on him and he was certainly bold enough to carry off a full back piece.
Why did you decide to do tattoos?
It was a way to get away from sweeping up hair and doing shitty perms at the salon I worked at when I came out to L.A.
Did you apprentice or go to school for it?
I got a job at a tattoo shop, cleaning up after hours. So I scrubbed toilets, and oh my god, let me say that was enough to get up the nerve to ask the owner if I could do ink work instead. He was a good guy and around my scrubbing and sweeping, he started to train me.
Hed been good to her. It had been hard for a good year not to suspect that he would use that kindness to get her into bed. But he never betrayed her that way. It had been the first real positive in years. A step into her new life. Where she was in control.
The money was decent. I had benefits. The better I got and the better my reputation, the easier it was for me to move around and work here and there. Did you always want to be a lawyer?
He lifted his shoulders. Its the family business. My dad and his brother took over the firm their father started.
Dont shrug.
Sorry. Youre bossy.
I am about my ink.
I have to say the pain and the hum of the needle sort of puts me in a trance. Having your hands on me isnt bad either.
Im the same way when Im getting work done. I think its fairly common. As for having my hands on youits not like you have to get a tattoo for that to happen.
True.
Back to the subject of the law. Do you like it? Or do you do it because you were expected to?
Do you just say whatever pops into your head?
Sometimes. If that was rude though, youll have to explain why, because I cant see it.
Not rude. Just . . . blunt, I guess. Most people dont say stuff like, Do you like your job or do you do it because your parents told you to?
Well, one, Im not most people, and two, I didnt say exactly that. Lots of people do things because theyre expected to do them. Very few people do things because they love to do them.
She leaned around him to grab some tissues and thats when he saw the glasses she had to wear when she worked.
You wear glasses?
When Im doing close-up work, yes.
I like them.
Hm.
I went to college because it was expected. I never had any intention of doing anything else. Im the oldest, its my duty. But I dont resent that. My family values education and its absolutely true that my education has served me well, presented me with opportunities Id never have had otherwise. As for law school? For a while I considered urban planning. I still love it, though I do it from a different angle.
What about urban planning appeals to you so much?
She liked to listen to him talk. Liked the easy way he had. So sure of himself, cocky, arrogant even, but not in a douchey way. He liked who he was.
As you point out, I grew up with a lot. My parents raised us with the knowledge that we had a duty to give back because not everyone had what we did. My father and grandfather before him have always been involved in city planning issues. My grandfather is a master at getting people to pony up money and other resources to social services, for instance. My father and I sit on a committee of public and private representatives to deal with the scarcity of services for the homeless in the county.
And how does planning affect that?
For instance, there are shelters, but the people in them cant come in until after six at night and must be out by seven in the morning. They dont always have the sort of facilities youd need to land and then keep a job. So how do you then transition from homelessness to getting an apartment if you cant wash your clothes? If you have no ability to shower?
You took shitty baths in sinks at gas stations. Your clothes smelled. She got that.
So we helped raise money and get the neighborhood involved in the planning of a day center. Theres a laundry where people can wash their clothing and their blankets if they stay on the streets. There are showers with donated soap. A few days a week weve got nurse practitioners who come in. It took a lot of people from a huge array of perspectives and interested groups to make it happen. Took us seven years from the first talks about ideas to getting it up and running.
Wow. Congratulations, it sounds like a much-needed service. And it was a prime example of what shed meant about how he was an asshole, but not an entitled one. He took his skills and his connections and he used them for good. But you went into law instead of planning?
I did. I like the law. Levi and I are good at it. We have different practice areas of course, but its a family business and I found my place in it. I do have a brother who is an architect, so clearly that runs in our genes too. I interned at my familys firm during the summers and realized thats what I wanted to do. I like the courtroom and not everyone does.
So youre like one of those TV lawyers?
He laughed as she smiled at her desired result. Of course she knew television lawyer shows were like the bane of actual lawyers, but she liked it when he laughed.
Not so much. I do a lot of trial work. Appellate. I dont know if Id love it as much if my practice was mainly motions and briefs. I like the people I deal with. Most of the time I like my clients.
Appellate is what?
State supreme courts, United States Supreme Court, U.S. appellate courts.
She had him pegged as a mover and a shaker and he clearly was. She wasnt an expert on the legal system, but she knew enough to understand that if you argued before those courts you were a hotshot.
Im impressed.
No, youre not.
Annoyance rankled her. She was being serious and he blew that off. Dont tell me what I am or am not.
He turned his head, careful to keep his body in place. I didnt mean to offend you.
Its pretty difficult to offend me. But telling me what I think or feel is a way. I dont say things I dont mean. And if Im wrong, Ill say so.
I apologize. And thank you for the compliment.
Apology accepted. She paused a moment and got back to work. So tell me about your daughter.
Its your turn to tell me something. I know you were in foster care. Do you have any biological family at all?
Some.
Are you in contact with them?
She had one aunt who sent her Christmas cards. She used to never even open them. But a few years back she started to. They never said much and she wasnt sure if she was relieved or not.
Not really, no.
Ah.
Ah? Like he knew? She was touchy when it came to this subject, which is why she so frequently steered far in the other direction from it.
How did you meet your ex-wife?
Were still talking about you. Why did you leave Arkansas?
Have you ever been to Happy Bend?
He chuckled.
But there are a lot of states between Arkansas and California.
Sure, and that was part of the appeal. Not that anyone really would have looked for her by that point anyway. Los Angeles had lots of opportunity. Or I thought it did anyway.
It didnt?
It was harder than I thought it would be. I was homeless for a while when I first arrived. That sucked. Not as much as the place she lived back in Happy Bend though. But in a few months I had enough saved for a shitty little apartment. I had a few jobs. It got better.
You were how old?
Seventeen.
Christ. Thats young.
I was never young. She kept working, working to keep herself detached from the details. It was her life; she wasnt ashamed. She didnt necessarily hide it. But she didnt go into it with much depth with many people. With most people, she supposed.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Tell me about it.
Not much to tell really. Shitty childhood. Its not a unique story. My adulthood is better. I overcame it and I prefer to keep it that way. My past doesnt hinder me, it serves as a reminder that theres better out there for me and it wasnt in Arkansas.
Im sorry. Abuse?
Here and there.
While in foster care?
Not always.
He sucked in a breath. Im sorry.
Dont be. Its long done. Be glad your daughter has a bright future and a wonderful past to look back on.
I am. Her mother, my ex, well, Carrie will probably have stuff to deal with, but she seems to be handling it fine.
Shes got a parent who loves her. Shes got a great future. If she cant make something of herself with that, shes not the kid you talk about.
She and I went to counseling for a while. Did you ever go?
She laughed but then cringed because there was nothing but loathing in the sound.
No.
Dont believe in it?
Look, there was no money for that stuff. There wasnt anything. I made it through. Thats what counts.
It was easier to talk about it to his back.
She outlined, wiped the ink away, outlined, wiped the blood away. It was what she did. She created new things and didnt think about the old. Looking back slowed you down.
He sighed. I dont know what to say.
Theres nothing to say. Not really. It was a shitty childhood. It made me into who I am today. I survived it. Lots of people didnt. So, lets talk about you again.
No, I want to keep talking about you.
For fucks sake, why? Im not a project like a hygiene center.
I dont think that. Im trying to know you.
This is why she kept things light. Dont. Im sure youve heard. I know you asked about me. Im not worth knowing. Just fuck me and enjoy it and then move on.
Thats not who I am. And thats not who you are.
She snorted. Thats totally who I am, Jonah. Im a bitch. Im a whore. I like to fuck. Lots of people.
He turned then, grabbing her wrist, his eyes ablaze. She didnt even have a moment to be angry at how he could have just made her ink a line across his back if shed had the needle down.
Youre not a whore. Ive touched you. Ive seen you. Stop.
Dont make me into something Im not. Ill break your heart if you expect more.
I expect all of you. You should know that going in.
Her heart pounded so hard and fast she was a little light-headed. He tore her defenses down. She barely knew him and he had this much power to affect her. What would it be like if they continued?
Then we should be friends. I can do that much better.
Oh, we are friends. And well continue that. But weve moved past the just friends stage.
You barely know me. I dont do relationships.
Oh yes, you do. Youre doing it right now. Neither of us is naive. Neither of us is so young we dont know what this is between us. Im too old to pretend away what this is.
I told you, I dont do relationships. Im not a monogamous person.
When youre in my bed you are.
Then I cant be in your bed.
He smiled and it sent a shiver through her.
Oh. Yes. Yes, you can. You are.
Then you need to accept you may have to share me.
He shook his head slowly. Gorgeous, I dont even share pizza. Id never share something as delicious as you. I dont share.
He scared her. Not physically. He held her wrist but if she really wanted to get away, hed let go. And that scared her too.
It shouldnt scare her. She barely knew him! But this was different on so many levels. The way he spoke to her, the way she found herself speaking back to him. He wasnt shocked by her. He wasnt scared off.
Dont be a coward, Raven. Give yourself to me and me only. I promise to make it worth your while.
It was a struggle to keep her breath even. A struggle not to run for the door. She should run for the door. She was not cut out for this stuff. If she couldnt make it work with a stand-up guy like Brody, she truly was a failure at it.
But Jonah wasnt like Brody. They shared things in common, yes. Both men were both strong and intelligent. But this thing . . . the way her entire system reacted when Jonah touched her or even just spoke to her, well, that was something else entirely.
She understood without a doubt that should she refuse to keep things monogamous, things would be over.
And while shed been able to accept that and move on every other time this came up . . . she was couldnt just then. She didnt want to walk away.
Its not marriage. Its monogamy. You can do it. Youre the girl who came out to L.A. at seventeen and made herself a life. You sure as hell can fuck me and only me. Unless . . . well, Id say something like unless youre not really into this thing between us. But that would be a lie. Because I know you are. I can see it in your features. I can feel it around my cock when Im inside you. Youre not a liar, Raven, and neither am I. I wont let you be.
Fascinated, he watched the emotion play across her face. Panic. A whole lot of it. He wondered, not for the first time, what shed endured to make her this way.
Fear. Oh yes. Not of him. At least not that hed physically harm her. He hoped his own didnt show. His fear that shed reject this and back off. Because though hed made the threat that it was all or nothing, he wanted her too much and he wasnt entirely sure if he could resist her.
Desire. Which he knew mirrored his own.
Hope. Which nearly broke his heart. And reminded him that she was not a thing to be played with, but a complicated woman with flaws and no small amount of baggage. But he wanted something with her. There was no denying it. No denying this woman brought so many things to the surface. More than need, which he nearly drowned in. More than lust and sexual hunger for her.
He wanted to dominate her in all the best ways. Her pupils flared when hed grabbed her wrist. Her lips had parted, skin flushed. She got off on it as much as he got off doing it. And that only made him want it more. Hed given himself a little; the delight of that crack on her bare ass as hed fucked her had only whetted his appetite for more.
He wanted to show her the power of what they could have together. Wanted her to trust him enough to give it to him willingly. Wanted to cosset and shower her with delights. If any woman hed ever met needed spoiling, it was this one.
He wasnt stupid. He knew she was headstrong and it would take a strong hand to set a tone. To keep the balance right. He had to deserve her submission, and once given, he needed to keep deserving it.
Against his fingertips, the rapid beat of her pulse told him she was freaked out. But the way she hadnt just told him to fuck off also told him she was considering it.
He needed to push.
What do you say, gorgeous? Be mine and only mine. If you want out, you only have to say it.
She licked her lips, her pupils still so huge they nearly swallowed all the color in her irises.
With his free hand he reached up to slide his knuckles down the column of her throat. Youre the most beautiful woman Ive ever seen. Vivid. Headstrong. I know you want me.
She still held the needle machine but had turned it off. His back was cool and slightly sticky where shed been working.
Take a leap, Raven. Ill catch you.
She sucked in a breath. Im not good at this.
At what?
At monogamy. Her voice trembled and this uncharacteristic outward vulnerability tore at him. He wanted to gather her up and hold her close. But he needed to break this stubborn refusal to let him in first. Once hed done that, hed show her the gentleness she deserved.
Youve never tried it. Because no other man had ever demanded it of her before. But he wasnt any other man. Hed have all of her and prove she was right to make that decision.
Youre a very nice man. I really dont want to ruin this.
Have you so little faith in yourself? Hm? If you come across a sudden, unquenchable desire to get laid, call me. Im ten minutes away. Ill come to you and quench it.
But it wasnt that. He knew it. She hadnt committed before because she needed to be fucked and had no self-control to stop herself from getting it from whomever she could.
Its not that.
He smiled. I know. But still, the offer is open.
She smiled back. Victory hovered just out of reach. He forced himself to wait, outwardly patient.
I dont want to hurt you.