When the supper was finished, Cullingworth led the way into a small sitting-room, where we both lit our pipes, and Mrs. Cullingworth her cigarette. He sat for some little time in silence, and then bounding up rushed to the door and flung it open. It is always one of his strange peculiarities to think that people are eavesdropping or conspiring against him; for, in spite of his superficial brusqueness and frankness, a strange vein of suspicion runs through his singular and complex nature. Having satisfied himself now that there were no spies or listeners he threw himself down into his armchair.
Munro, said he, prodding at me with his pipe, what I wanted to tell you is, that I am utterly, hopelessly, and irretrievably ruined.
My chair was tilted on its back legs as he spoke, and I assure you that I was within an ace of going over. Down like a pack of cards came all my dreams as to the grand results which were to spring from my journey to Avonmouth. Yes, Bertie, I am bound to confess it: my first thought was of my own disappointment, and my second of the misfortune of my friends. He had the most diabolical intuitions, or I a very tell-tale face, for he added at once
Sorry to disappoint you, my boy. Thats not what you expected to hear, I can see.
Well, I stammered, it IS rather a surprise, old chap. I thought from the from the
From the house, and the footman, and the furniture, said he. Well, theyve eaten me up among them licked me clean, bones and gravy. Im done for, my boy, unless here I saw a question in his eyes unless some friend were to lend me his name on a bit of stamped paper.
I cant do it, Cullingworth, said I. Its a wretched thing to have to refuse a friend; and if I had money
Wait till youre asked, Munro, he interrupted, with his ugliest of expressions. Besides, as you have nothing and no prospects, what earthly use would YOUR name on a paper be?
Thats what I want to know, said I, feeling a little mortified, none the less.
Look here, laddie, he went on; dyou see that pile of letters on the left of the table?
Yes.
Those are duns. And dyou see those documents on the right? Well, those are County Court summonses. And, now, dyou see that; he picked up a little ledger, and showed me three or, four names scribbled on the first page.
Thats the practice, he roared, and laughed until the great veins jumped out on his forehead. His wife laughed heartily also, just as she would have wept, had he been so disposed.
Its this way, Munro, said he, when he had got over his paroxysm. You have probably heard in fact, I have told you myself that my father had the finest practice in Scotland. As far as I could judge he was a man of no capacity, but still there you are he had it.
I nodded and smoked.
Well, hes been dead seven years, and fifty nets dipping into his little fish-pond. However, when I passed I thought my best move was to come down to the old place, and see whether I couldnt piece the thing together again. The name ought to be worth something, I thought. But it was no use doing the thing in a half hearted way. Not a bit of use in that, Munro. The kind of people who came to him were wealthy, and must see a fine house and a man in livery. What chance was there of gathering them into a bow-windowed forty pound-a-year house with a grubby-faced maid at the door? What do you suppose I did? My boy, I took the governors old house, that was unlet the very house that he kept up at five thousand a year. Off I started in rare style, and sank my last cent in furniture. But its no use, laddie. I cant hold on any longer. I got two accidents and an epileptic twenty-two pounds, eight and sixpence thats the lot!
What will you do, then?
Thats what I wanted your advice about. Thats why I wired for you. I always respected your opinion, my boy, and I thought that now was the time to have it.
It struck me that if he had asked for it nine months before there would have been more sense in it. What on earth could I do when affairs were in such a tangle? However, I could not help feeling complimented when so independent a fellow as Cullingworth turned to me in this way.
You really think, said I, that it is no use holding on here?
He jumped up, and began pacing the room in his swift jerky way.
You take warning from it, Munro, said he. Youve got to start yet. Take my tip, and go where no one knows you. People will trust a stranger quick enough; but if they can remember you as a little chap who ran about in knickerbockers, and got spanked with a hair brush for stealing plums, they are not going to put their lives in your keeping. Its all very well to talk about friendship and family connections; but when a man has a pain in the stomach he doesnt care a toss about all that. Id stick it up in gold, letters in every medical class-room have it carved across the gate of the University that if a man wants friends be must go among strangers. Its all up here, Munro; so theres no use in advising me to hold on.
I asked him how much he owed. It came to about seven hundred pounds. The rent alone was two hundred. He had already raised money on the furniture, and his whole assets came to less than a tenner. Of course, there was only one possible thing that I could advise.
You must call your creditors together, said I; they can see for themselves that you are young and energetic sure to succeed sooner or later. If they push you into a corner now, they can get nothing. Make that clear to them. But if you make a fresh start elsewhere and succeed, you may pay them all in full. I see no other possible way out of it.
I knew that youd say that, and its just what I thought myself. Isnt it, Hetty? Well, then, that settles it; and I am much obliged to you for your advice, and thats all well say about the matter to-night. Ive made my shot and missed. Next time I shall hit, and it wont be long either.
His failure did not seem to weigh very heavily on his mind, for in a few minutes he was shouting away as lustily as ever. Whiskey and hot water were brought in, that we might all drink luck to the second venture.
And this whiskey led us to what might have been a troublesome affair. Cullingworth, who had drunk off a couple of glasses, waited until his wife had left the room, and then began to talk of the difficulty of getting any exercise now that he had to wait in all day in the hope of patients. This led us round to the ways in which a man might take his exercise indoors, and that to boxing. Cullingworth took a couple of pairs of gloves out of a cupboard, and proposed that we should fight a round or two then and there.
If I hadnt been a fool, Bertie, I should never have consented. Its one of my many weaknesses, that, whether its a woman or a man, anything like a challenge sets me off. But I knew Cullingworths ways, and I told you in my last what a lamb of a temper he has. None the less, we pushed back the table, put the lamp on a high bracket, and stood up to one another.
The moment I looked him in the face I smelled mischief. He had a gleam of settled malice in his eye. I believe it was my refusal to back his paper which was running in his head. Anyway he looked as dangerous as he could look, with his scowling face sunk forward a little, his hands down near his hips (for his boxing, like everything else about him, is unconventional), and his jaw set like a rat-trap.
I led off, and then in he came hitting with both hands, and grunting like a pig at every blow. From what I could see of him he was no boxer at all, but just a formidable rough and tumble fighter. I was guarding with both hands for half a minute, and then was rushed clean off my legs and banged up against the door, with my head nearly through one of the panels. He wouldnt stop then, though he saw that I had no space to get my elbows back; and he let fly a right-hander which would have put me into the hall, if I hadnt slipped it and got back to the middle of the room.
I led off, and then in he came hitting with both hands, and grunting like a pig at every blow. From what I could see of him he was no boxer at all, but just a formidable rough and tumble fighter. I was guarding with both hands for half a minute, and then was rushed clean off my legs and banged up against the door, with my head nearly through one of the panels. He wouldnt stop then, though he saw that I had no space to get my elbows back; and he let fly a right-hander which would have put me into the hall, if I hadnt slipped it and got back to the middle of the room.
Look here, Cullingworth, said I; theres not much boxing about this game.
Yes, I hit pretty hard, dont I?
If you come boring into me like that, Im bound to hit you out again, I said. I want to play light if youll let me.
The words were not out of my mouth before he was on me like a flash. I slipped him again; but the room was so small, and he as active as a cat, that there was no getting away from him. He was on me once more with a regular football rush that knocked me off my balance. Before I knew where I was he got his left on the mark and his right on my ear. I tripped over a footstool, and then before I could get my balance he had me on the same ear again, and my head was singing like a tea-kettle. He was as pleased as possible with himself, blowing out his chest and slapping it with his palms as he took his place in the middle of the room.
Say when youve had enough, Munro, said he.
This was pretty stiff, considering that I had two inches the better of him in height, and as many stone in weight, besides being the better boxer. His energy and the size of the room had been against me so far, but he wasnt to have all the slogging to himself in the next round if I could help it.
In he came with one of his windmill rushes. But I was on the look-out for him this time. I landed him with my left a regular nose-ender as he came, and then, ducking under his left, I got him a cross-counter on the jaw that laid him flat across his own hearthrug. He was up in an instant, with a face like a madman.
You swine! he shouted. Take those gloves off, and put your hands up! He was tugging at his own to get them off.
Go on, you silly ass! said I. What is there to fight about?
He was mad with passion, and chucked his gloves down under the table.
By God, Munro, he cried, if you dont take those gloves off, Ill go for you, whether you have them on or not.
Have a glass of soda water, said I.
He made a crack at me. Youre afraid of me, Munro. Thats whats the matter with you, he snarled.
This was getting too hot, Bertie. I saw all the folly of the thing. I believed that I might whip him; but at the same time I knew that we were so much of a match that we would both get pretty badly cut up without any possible object to serve. For all that, I took my gloves off, and I think perhaps it was the wisest course after all. If Cullingworth once thought he had the whiphand of you, you might be sorry for it afterwards.
But, as fate would have it, our little barney was nipped in the bud. Mrs. Cullingworth came into the room at that instant, and screamed out when she saw her husband. His nose was bleeding and his chin was all slobbered with blood, so that I dont wonder that it gave her a turn.
James! she screamed; and then to me: What is the meaning of this, Mr. Munro?
You should have seen the hatred in her doves eyes. I felt an insane impulse to pick her up and kiss her.
Weve only been having a little spar, Mrs. Cullingworth, said I. Your husband was complaining that he never got any exercise.
Its all right, Hetty, said he, pulling his coat on again. Dont be a little stupid. Are the servants gone to bed? Well, you might bring some water in a basin from the kitchen. Sit down, Munro, and light your pipe again. I have a hundred things that I want to talk to you about.
So that was the end of it, and all went smoothly for the rest of the evening. But, for all that, the little wife will always look upon me as a brute and a bully; while as to Cullingworth well, its rather difficult to say what Cullingworth thinks about the matter.
When I woke next morning he was in my room, and a funny-looking object he was. His dressing-gown lay on a chair, and he was putting up a fifty-six pound dumb-bell, without a rag to cover him. Nature didnt give him a very symmetrical face, nor the sweetest of expressions; but he has a figure like a Greek statue. I was amused to see that both his eyes had a touch of shadow to them. It was his turn to grin when I sat up and found that my ear was about the shape and consistence of a toadstool. However, he was all for peace that morning, and chatted away in the most amiable manner possible.
I was to go back to my fathers that day, but I had a couple of hours with Cullingworth in his consulting room before I left. He was in his best form, and full of a hundred fantastic schemes, by which I was to help him. His great object was to get his name into the newspapers. That was the basis of all success, according to his views. It seemed to me that he was confounding cause with effect; but I did not argue the point. I laughed until my sides ached over the grotesque suggestions which poured from him. I was to lie senseless in the roadway, and to be carried into him by a sympathising crowd, while the footman ran with a paragraph to the newspapers. But there was the likelihood that the crowd might carry me in to the rival practitioner opposite. In various disguises I was to feign fits at his very door, and so furnish fresh copy for the local press. Then I was to die absolutely to expire and all Scotland was to resound with how Dr. Cullingworth, of Avonmouth, had resuscitated me. His ingenious brain rang a thousand changes out of the idea, and his own impending bankruptcy was crowded right out of his thoughts by the flood of half-serious devices.
But the thing that took the fun out of him, and made him gnash his teeth, and stride cursing about the room, was to see a patient walking up the steps which led to the door of Scarsdale, his opposite neighbour. Scarsdale had a fairly busy practice, and received his people at home from ten to twelve, so that I got quite used to seeing Cullingworth fly out of his chair, and rush raving to the window. He would diagnose the cases, too, and estimate their money value until he was hardly articulate.
There you are! he would suddenly yell; see that man with a limp! Every morning he goes. Displaced semilunar cartilage, and a three months job. The mans worth thirty-five shillings a week. And there! Im hanged if the woman with the rheumatic arthritis isnt round in her bath-chair again. Shes all sealskin and lactic acid. Its simply sickening to see how they crowd to that man. And such a man! You havent seen him. All the better for you. I dont know what the devil you are laughing at, Munro. I cant see where the fun comes in myself.
Well, it was a short experience that visit to Avonmouth, but I think that I shall remember it all my life. Goodness knows, you must be sick enough of the subject, but when I started with so much detail I was tempted to go. It ended by my going back again in the afternoon, Cullingworth assuring me that he would call his creditors together as I had advised, and that he would let me know the result in a few days. Mrs. C. would hardly shake hands with me when I said goodbye; but I like her the better for that. He must have a great deal of good in him, or he could not have won her love and confidence so completely. Perhaps there is another Cullingworth behind the scenes a softer, tenderer man, who can love and invite love. If there is, I have never got near him. And yet I may only have been tapping at the shell. Who knows? For that matter, it is likely enough that he has never got at the real Johnnie Munro. But you have, Bertie; and I think that youve had a little too much of him this time, only you encourage me to this sort of excess by your sympathetic replies. Well, Ive done as much as the General Post Office will carry for fivepence, so Ill conclude by merely remarking that a fortnight has passed, and that I have had no news from Avonmouth, which does not in the very slightest degree surprise me. If I ever do hear anything, which is exceedingly doubtful, you may be sure that I will put a finish to this long story.