The ex-churchwarden rose to propose Thomas Spruggins for beadle. He had known him long. He had had his eye upon him closely for years; he had watched him with twofold vigilance for months. (A parishioner here suggested that this might be termed taking a double sight, but the observation was drowned in loud cries of Order!) He would repeat that he had had his eye upon him for years, and this he would say, that a more well-conducted, a more well-behaved, a more sober, a more quiet man, with a more well-regulated mind, he had never met with. A man with a larger family he had never known (cheers). The parish required a man who could be depended on (Hear! from the Spruggins side, answered by ironical cheers from the Bung party). Such a man he now proposed (No, Yes). He would not allude to individuals (the ex-churchwarden continued, in the celebrated negative style adopted by great speakers). He would not advert to a gentleman who had once held a high rank in the service of his majesty; he would not say, that that gentleman was no gentleman; he would not assert, that that man was no man; he would not say, that he was a turbulent parishioner; he would not say, that he had grossly misbehaved himself, not only on this, but on all former occasions; he would not say, that he was one of those discontented and treasonable spirits, who carried confusion and disorder wherever they went; he would not say, that he harboured in his heart envy, and hatred, and malice, and all uncharitableness. No! He wished to have everything comfortable and pleasant, and therefore, he would say nothing about him (cheers).
The captain replied in a similar parliamentary style. He would not say, he was astonished at the speech they had just heard; he would not say, he was disgusted (cheers). He would not retort the epithets which had been hurled against him (renewed cheering); he would not allude to men once in office, but now happily out of it, who had mismanaged the workhouse, ground the paupers, diluted the beer, slack-baked the bread, boned the meat, heightened the work, and lowered the soup (tremendous cheers). He would not ask what such men deserved (a voice, Nothing a-day, and find themselves!). He would not say, that one burst of general indignation should drive them from the parish they polluted with their presence (Give it him!). He would not allude to the unfortunate man who had been proposed he would not say, as the vestrys tool, but as Beadle. He would not advert to that individuals family; he would not say, that nine children, twins, and a wife, were very bad examples for pauper imitation (loud cheers). He would not advert in detail to the qualifications of Bung. The man stood before him, and he would not say in his presence, what he might be disposed to say of him, if he were absent. (Here Mr. Bung telegraphed to a friend near him, under cover of his hat, by contracting his left eye, and applying his right thumb to the tip of his nose). It had been objected to Bung that he had only five children (Hear, hear! from the opposition). Well; he had yet to learn that the legislature had affixed any precise amount of infantine qualification to the office of beadle; but taking it for granted that an extensive family were a great requisite, he entreated them to look to facts, and compare data, about which there could be no mistake. Bung was 35 years of age. Spruggins of whom he wished to speak with all possible respect was 50. Was it not more than possible was it not very probable that by the time Bung attained the latter age, he might see around him a family, even exceeding in number and extent, that to which Spruggins at present laid claim (deafening cheers and waving of handkerchiefs)? The captain concluded, amidst loud applause, by calling upon the parishioners to sound the tocsin, rush to the poll, free themselves from dictation, or be slaves for ever.
On the following day the polling began, and we never have had such a bustle in our parish since we got up our famous anti-slavery petition, which was such an important one, that the House of Commons ordered it to be printed, on the motion of the member for the district. The captain engaged two hackney-coaches and a cab for Bungs people the cab for the drunken voters, and the two coaches for the old ladies, the greater portion of whom, owing to the captains impetuosity, were driven up to the poll and home again, before they recovered from their flurry sufficiently to know, with any degree of clearness, what they had been doing. The opposite party wholly neglected these precautions, and the consequence was, that a great many ladies who were walking leisurely up to the church for it was a very hot day to vote for Spruggins, were artfully decoyed into the coaches, and voted for Bung. The captains arguments, too, had produced considerable effect: the attempted influence of the vestry produced a greater. A threat of exclusive dealing was clearly established against the vestry-clerk a case of heartless and profligate atrocity. It appeared that the delinquent had been in the habit of purchasing six pennorth of muffins, weekly, from an old woman who rents a small house in the parish, and resides among the original settlers; on her last weekly visit, a message was conveyed to her through the medium of the cook, couched in mysterious terms, but indicating with sufficient clearness, that the vestry-clerks appetite for muffins, in future, depended entirely on her vote on the beadleship. This was sufficient: the stream had been turning previously, and the impulse thus administered directed its final course. The Bung party ordered one shillings-worth of muffins weekly for the remainder of the old womans natural life; the parishioners were loud in their exclamations; and the fate of Spruggins was sealed.
It was in vain that the twins were exhibited in dresses of the same pattern, and night-caps, to match, at the church door: the boy in Mrs. Sprugginss right arm, and the girl in her left even Mrs. Spruggins herself failed to be an object of sympathy any longer. The majority attained by Bung on the gross poll was four hundred and twenty-eight, and the cause of the parishioners triumphed.
CHAPTER V THE BROKERS MAN
The excitement of the late election has subsided, and our parish being once again restored to a state of comparative tranquillity, we are enabled to devote our attention to those parishioners who take little share in our party contests or in the turmoil and bustle of public life. And we feel sincere pleasure in acknowledging here, that in collecting materials for this task we have been greatly assisted by Mr. Bung himself, who has imposed on us a debt of obligation which we fear we can never repay. The life of this gentleman has been one of a very chequered description: he has undergone transitions not from grave to gay, for he never was grave not from lively to severe, for severity forms no part of his disposition; his fluctuations have been between poverty in the extreme, and poverty modified, or, to use his own emphatic language, between nothing to eat and just half enough. He is not, as he forcibly remarks, one of those fortunate men who, if they were to dive under one side of a barge stark-naked, would come up on the other with a new suit of clothes on, and a ticket for soup in the waistcoat-pocket: neither is he one of those, whose spirit has been broken beyond redemption by misfortune and want. He is just one of the careless, good-for-nothing, happy fellows, who float, cork-like, on the surface, for the world to play at hockey with: knocked here, and there, and everywhere: now to the right, then to the left, again up in the air, and anon to the bottom, but always reappearing and bounding with the stream buoyantly and merrily along. Some few months before he was prevailed upon to stand a contested election for the office of beadle, necessity attached him to the service of a broker; and on the opportunities he here acquired of ascertaining the condition of most of the poorer inhabitants of the parish, his patron, the captain, first grounded his claims to public support. Chance threw the man in our way a short time since. We were, in the first instance, attracted by his prepossessing impudence at the election; we were not surprised, on further acquaintance, to find him a shrewd, knowing fellow, with no inconsiderable power of observation; and, after conversing with him a little, were somewhat struck (as we dare say our readers have frequently been in other cases) with the power some men seem to have, not only of sympathising with, but to all appearance of understanding feelings to which they themselves are entire strangers. We had been expressing to the new functionary our surprise that he should ever have served in the capacity to which we have just adverted, when we gradually led him into one or two professional anecdotes. As we are induced to think, on reflection, that they will tell better in nearly his own words, than with any attempted embellishments of ours, we will at once entitle them.
Its very true, as you say, sir, Mr. Bung commenced, that a brokers mans is not a life to be envied; and in course you know as well as I do, though you dont say it, that people hate and scout em because theyre the ministers of wretchedness, like, to poor people. But what could I do, sir? The thing was no worse because I did it, instead of somebody else; and if putting me in possession of a house would put me in possession of three and sixpence a day, and levying a distress on another mans goods would relieve my distress and that of my family, it cant be expected but what Id take the job and go through with it. I never liked it, God knows; I always looked out for something else, and the moment I got other work to do, I left it. If there is anything wrong in being the agent in such matters not the principal, mind you Im sure the business, to a beginner like I was, at all events, carries its own punishment along with it. I wished again and again that the people would only blow me up, or pitch into me that I wouldnt have minded, its all in my way; but its the being shut up by yourself in one room for five days, without so much as an old newspaper to look at, or anything to see out o the winder but the roofs and chimneys at the back of the house, or anything to listen to, but the ticking, perhaps, of an old Dutch clock, the sobbing of the missis, now and then, the low talking of friends in the next room, who speak in whispers, lest the man should overhear them, or perhaps the occasional opening of the door, as a child peeps in to look at you, and then runs half-frightened away its all this, that makes you feel sneaking somehow, and ashamed of yourself; and then, if its wintertime, they just give you fire enough to make you think youd like more, and bring in your grub as if they wished it ud choke you as I dare say they do, for the matter of that, most heartily. If theyre very civil, they make you up a bed in the room at night, and if they dont, your master sends one in for you; but there you are, without being washed or shaved all the time, shunned by everybody, and spoken to by no one, unless some one comes in at dinner-time, and asks you whether you want any more, in a tone as much to say, I hope you dont, or, in the evening, to inquire whether you wouldnt rather have a candle, after youve been sitting in the dark half the night. When I was left in this way, I used to sit, think, think, thinking, till I felt as lonesome as a kitten in a wash-house copper with the lid on; but I believe the old brokers men who are regularly trained to it, never think at all. I have heard some on em say, indeed, that they dont know how!
I put in a good many distresses in my time (continued Mr. Bung), and in course I wasnt long in finding, that some people are not as much to be pitied as others are, and that people with good incomes who get into difficulties, which they keep patching up day after day and week after week, get so used to these sort of things in time, that at last they come scarcely to feel them at all. I remember the very first place I was put in possession of, was a gentlemans house in this parish here, that everybody would suppose couldnt help having money if he tried. I went with old Fixem, my old master, bout half arter eight in the morning; rang the area-bell; servant in livery opened the door: Governor at home? Yes, he is, says the man; but hes breakfasting just now. Never mind, says Fixem, just you tell him theres a gentleman here, as wants to speak to him partickler. So the servant he opens his eyes, and stares about him all ways looking for the gentleman, as it struck me, for I dont think anybody but a man as was stone-blind would mistake Fixem for one; and as for me, I was as seedy as a cheap cowcumber. Howsever, he turns round, and goes to the breakfast-parlour, which was a little snug sort of room at the end of the passage, and Fixem (as we always did in that profession), without waiting to be announced, walks in arter him, and before the servant could get out, Please, sir, heres a man as wants to speak to you, looks in at the door as familiar and pleasant as may be. Who the devil are you, and how dare you walk into a gentlemans house without leave? says the master, as fierce as a bull in fits. My name, says Fixem, winking to the master to send the servant away, and putting the warrant into his hands folded up like a note, My names Smith, says he, and I called from Johnsons about that business of Thompsons. Oh, says the other, quite down on him directly, How is Thompson? says he; Pray sit down, Mr. Smith: John, leave the room. Out went the servant; and the gentleman and Fixem looked at one another till they couldnt look any longer, and then they varied the amusements by looking at me, who had been standing on the mat all this time. Hundred and fifty pounds, I see, said the gentleman at last. Hundred and fifty pound, said Fixem, besides cost of levy, sheriffs poundage, and all other incidental expenses. Um, says the gentleman, I shant be able to settle this before to-morrow afternoon. Very sorry; but I shall be obliged to leave my man here till then, replies Fixem, pretending to look very miserable over it. Thats very unfortnate, says the gentleman, for I have got a large party here to-night, and Im ruined if those fellows of mine get an inkling of the matter just step here, Mr. Smith, says he, after a short pause. So Fixem walks with him up to the window, and after a good deal of whispering, and a little chinking of suverins, and looking at me, he comes back and says, Bung, youre a handy fellow, and very honest I know. This gentleman wants an assistant to clean the plate and wait at table to-day, and if youre not particularly engaged, says old Fixem, grinning like mad, and shoving a couple of suverins into my hand, hell be very glad to avail himself of your services. Well, I laughed: and the gentleman laughed, and we all laughed; and I went home and cleaned myself, leaving Fixem there, and when I went back, Fixem went away, and I polished up the plate, and waited at table, and gammoned the servants, and nobody had the least idea I was in possession, though it very nearly came out after all; for one of the last gentlemen who remained, came down-stairs into the hall where I was sitting pretty late at night, and putting half-a-crown into my hand, says, Here, my man, says he, run and get me a coach, will you? I thought it was a do, to get me out of the house, and was just going to say so, sulkily enough, when the gentleman (who was up to everything) came running down-stairs, as if he was in great anxiety. Bung, says he, pretending to be in a consuming passion. Sir, says I. Why the devil ant you looking after that plate? I was just going to send him for a coach for me, says the other gentleman. And I was just a-going to say, says I Anybody else, my dear fellow, interrupts the master of the house, pushing me down the passage to get out of the way anybody else; but I have put this man in possession of all the plate and valuables, and I cannot allow him on any consideration whatever, to leave the house. Bung, you scoundrel, go and count those forks in the breakfast-parlour instantly. You may be sure I went laughing pretty hearty when I found it was all right. The money was paid next day, with the addition of something else for myself, and that was the best job that I (and I suspect old Fixem too) ever got in that line.
But this is the bright side of the picture, sir, after all, resumed Mr. Bung, laying aside the knowing look and flash air, with which he had repeated the previous anecdote and Im sorry to say, its the side one sees very, very seldom, in comparison with the dark one. The civility which money will purchase, is rarely extended to those who have none; and theres a consolation even in being able to patch up one difficulty, to make way for another, to which very poor people are strangers. I was once put into a house down Georges-yard that little dirty court at the back of the gas-works; and I never shall forget the misery of them people, dear me! It was a distress for half a years rent two pound ten, I think. There was only two rooms in the house, and as there was no passage, the lodgers up-stairs always went through the room of the people of the house, as they passed in and out; and every time they did so which, on the average, was about four times every quarter of an hour they blowed up quite frightful: for their things had been seized too, and included in the inventory. There was a little piece of enclosed dust in front of the house, with a cinder-path leading up to the door, and an open rain-water butt on one side. A dirty striped curtain, on a very slack string, hung in the window, and a little triangular bit of broken looking-glass rested on the sill inside. I suppose it was meant for the peoples use, but their appearance was so wretched, and so miserable, that Im certain they never could have plucked up courage to look themselves in the face a second time, if they survived the fright of doing so once. There was two or three chairs, that might have been worth, in their best days, from eightpence to a shilling a-piece; a small deal table, an old corner cupboard with nothing in it, and one of those bedsteads which turn up half way, and leave the bottom legs sticking out for you to knock your head against, or hang your hat upon; no bed, no bedding. There was an old sack, by way of rug, before the fireplace, and four or five children were grovelling about, among the sand on the floor. The execution was only put in, to get em out of the house, for there was nothing to take to pay the expenses; and here I stopped for three days, though that was a mere form too: for, in course, I knew, and we all knew, they could never pay the money. In one of the chairs, by the side of the place where the fire ought to have been, was an old ooman the ugliest and dirtiest I ever see who sat rocking herself backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards, without once stopping, except for an instant now and then, to clasp together the withered hands which, with these exceptions, she kept constantly rubbing upon her knees, just raising and depressing her fingers convulsively, in time to the rocking of the chair. On the other side sat the mother with an infant in her arms, which cried till it cried itself to sleep, and when it woke, cried till it cried itself off again. The old oomans voice I never heard: she seemed completely stupefied; and as to the mothers, it would have been better if she had been so too, for misery had changed her to a devil. If you had heard how she cursed the little naked children as was rolling on the floor, and seen how savagely she struck the infant when it cried with hunger, youd have shuddered as much as I did. There they remained all the time: the children ate a morsel of bread once or twice, and I gave em best part of the dinners my missis brought me, but the woman ate nothing; they never even laid on the bedstead, nor was the room swept or cleaned all the time. The neighbours were all too poor themselves to take any notice of em, but from what I could make out from the abuse of the woman up-stairs, it seemed the husband had been transported a few weeks before. When the time was up, the landlord and old Fixem too, got rather frightened about the family, and so they made a stir about it, and had em taken to the workhouse. They sent the sick couch for the old ooman, and Simmons took the children away at night. The old ooman went into the infirmary, and very soon died. The children are all in the house to this day, and very comfortable they are in comparison. As to the mother, there was no taming her at all. She had been a quiet, hard-working woman, I believe, but her misery had actually drove her wild; so after she had been sent to the house of correction half-a-dozen times, for throwing inkstands at the overseers, blaspheming the churchwardens, and smashing everybody as come near her, she burst a blood-vessel one mornin, and died too; and a happy release it was, both for herself and the old paupers, male and female, which she used to tip over in all directions, as if they were so many skittles, and she the ball.