Stuff, how could you tell which they belonged to? they had gloves on.
Why, didnt I see them take off their hats?
That dont signify. They might have taken off each others hats. Nobody could tell. There was just a wormy squirming of arms in the air seemed to be a couple of dozen of them, all writhing at once, and it just made me dizzy to see them go.
Why, ma, I hadnt any difficulty. Theres two arms on each shoulder
There, now. One arm on each shoulder belongs to each of the creatures, dont it? For a person to have two arms on one shoulder wouldnt do him any good, would it? Of course not. Each has an arm on each shoulder. Now then, you tell me which of them belongs to which, if you can. They dont know, themselves they just work whichever arm comes handy. Of course they do; especially if they are in a hurry and cant stop to think which belongs to which.
The mother seemed to have the rights of the argument, so the daughter abandoned the struggle. Presently the widow rose with a yawn and said:
Poor thing, I hope it wont catch cold; it was powerful wet, just drenched, you may say. I hope it has left its boots outside, so they can be dried.
Then she gave a little start, and looked perplexed.
Now I remember I heard one of them ask Joe to call him at half after seven I think it was the one on the left no, it was the one to the east of the other one but I didnt hear the other one say any thing. I wonder if he wants to be called too. Do you reckon its too late to ask?
Why, ma, its not necessary. Calling one is calling both. If one gets up, the others got to.
Sho, of course; I never thought of that. Well, come along, maybe we can get some sleep, but I dont know, Im so shook up with what weve been through.
The stranger had made an impression on the boys, too. They had a word of talk as they were getting to bed. Henry, the gentle, the humane, said:
I feel ever so sorry for it, dont you, Joe?
But Joe was a boy of this world, active, enterprising, and had a theatrical side to him:
Sorry? Why, how you talk! It cant stir a step without attracting attention. Its just grand!
Henry said, reproachfully:
Instead of pitying it, Joe, you talk as if
Talk as if what? I know one thing mighty certain: if you can fix me so I can eat for two and only have to stub toes for one, I aint going to fool away no such chance just for sentiment.
The twins were wet and tired, and they proceeded to undress without any preliminary remarks. The abundance of sleeve made the partnership coat hard to get off, for it was like skinning a tarantula; but it came at last, after much tugging and perspiring. The mutual vest followed. Then the brothers stood up before the glass, and each took off his own cravat and collar. The collars were of the standing kind, and came high up under the ears, like the sides of a wheelbarrow, as required by the fashion of the day. The cravats were as broad as a bankbill, with fringed ends which stood far out to right and left like the wings of a dragon-fly, and this also was strictly in accordance with the fashion of the time. Each cravat, as to color, was in perfect taste, so far as its owners complexion was concerned a delicate pink, in the case of the blond brother, a violent scarlet in the case of the brunette but as a combination they broke all the laws of taste known to civilization. Nothing more fiendish and irreconcilable than those shrieking and blaspheming colors could have been contrived. The wet boots gave no end of trouble to Luigi. When they were off at last, Angelo said, with bitterness:
I wish you wouldnt wear such tight boots, they hurt my feet.
Luigi answered with indifference:
My friend, when I am in command of our body, I choose my apparel according to my own convenience, as I have remarked more than several times already. When you are in command, I beg you will do as you please.
Angelo was hurt, and the tears came into his eyes. There was gentle reproach in his voice, but, not anger, when he replied:
Luigi, I often consult your wishes, but you never consult mine. When I am in command I treat you as a guest; I try to make you feel at home; when you are in command you treat me as an intruder, you make me feel unwelcome. It embarrasses me cruelly in company, for I can see that people notice it and comment on it.
Oh, damn the people, responded the brother languidly, and with the air of one who is tired of the subject.
A slight shudder shook the frame of Angelo, but he said nothing and the conversation ceased. Each buttoned his own share of the nightshirt in silence; then Luigi, with Paines Age of Reason in his hand, sat down in one chair and put his feet in another and lit his pipe, while Angelo took his Whole Duty of Man, and both began to read. Angelo presently began to cough; his coughing increased and became mixed with gaspings for breath, and he was finally obliged to make an appeal to his brothers humanity:
Luigi, if you would only smoke a little milder tobacco, I am sure I could learn not to mind it in time, but this is so strong, and the pipe is so rank that
Angelo, I wouldnt be such a baby! I have learned to smoke in a week, and the trouble is already over with me; if you would try, you could learn too, and then you would stop spoiling my comfort with your everlasting complaints.
Ah, brother, that is a strong word everlasting and isnt quite fair. I only complain when I suffocate; you know I dont complain when we are in the open air.
Well, anyway, you could learn to smoke yourself.
But my principles, Luigi, you forget my principles. You would not have me do a thing which I regard as a sin?
Oh, bosh!
The conversation ceased again, for Angelo was sick and discouraged and strangling; but after some time he closed his book and asked Luigi to sing From Greenlands Icy Mountains with him, but he would not, and when he tried to sing by himself Luigi did his best to drown his plaintive tenor with a rude and rollicking song delivered in a thundering bass.
After the singing there was silence, and neither brother was happy. Before blowing the light out Luigi swallowed half a tumbler of whisky, and Angelo, whose sensitive organization could not endure intoxicants of any kind, took a pill to keep it from giving him the headache.
CHAPTER II. MA COOPER GETS ALL MIXED UP
The family sat in the breakfast-room waiting for the twins to come down. The widow was quiet, the daughter was alive with happy excitement. She said:
Ah, theyre a boon, ma, just a boon! Dont you think so?
Laws, I hope so, I dont know.
Why, ma, yes you do. Theyre so fine and handsome, and high-bred and polite, so every way superior to our gawks here in this village; why, theyll make life different from what it was so humdrum and commonplace, you know oh, you may be sure theyre full of accomplishments, and knowledge of the world, and all that, that will be an immense advantage to society here. Dont you think so, ma?
Mercy on me, how should I know, and Ive hardly set eyes on them yet. After a pause she added, They made considerable noise after they went up.
Noise? Why, ma, they were singing! And it was beautiful, too.
Oh, it was well enough, but too mixed-up, seemed to me.
Now, ma, honor bright, did you ever hear Greenlands Icy Mountains sung sweeter now did you?
If it had been sung by itself, it would have been uncommon sweet, I dont deny it; but what they wanted to mix it up with Old Bob Ridley for, I cant make out. Why, they dont go together, at all. They are not of the same nature. Bob Ridley is a common rackety slam-bang secular song, one of the rippingest and rantingest and noisiest there is. I am no judge of music, and I dont claim it, but in my opinion nobody can make those two songs go together right.
Now, ma, honor bright, did you ever hear Greenlands Icy Mountains sung sweeter now did you?
If it had been sung by itself, it would have been uncommon sweet, I dont deny it; but what they wanted to mix it up with Old Bob Ridley for, I cant make out. Why, they dont go together, at all. They are not of the same nature. Bob Ridley is a common rackety slam-bang secular song, one of the rippingest and rantingest and noisiest there is. I am no judge of music, and I dont claim it, but in my opinion nobody can make those two songs go together right.
Why, ma, I thought
It dont make any difference what you thought, it cant be done. They tried it, and to my mind it was a failure. I never heard such a crazy uproar; seemed to me, sometimes, the roof would come off; and as for the cats well, Ive lived a many a year, and seen cats aggravated in more ways than one, but Ive never seen cats take on the way they took on last night.
Well, I dont think that that goes for anything, ma, because it is the nature of cats that any sound that is unusual
Unusual! You may well call it so. Now if they are going to sing duets every night, I do hope they will both sing the same tune at the same time, for in my opinion a duet that is made up of two different tunes is a mistake; especially when the tunes aint any kin to one another, that way.
But, ma, I think it must be a foreign custom; and it must be right too; and the best way, because they have had every opportunity to know what is right, and it dont stand to reason that with their education they would do anything but what the highest musical authorities have sanctioned. You cant help but admit that, ma.
The argument was formidably strong; the old lady could not find any way around it; so, after thinking it over awhile she gave in with a sigh of discontent, and admitted that the daughters position was probably correct. Being vanquished, she had no mind to continue the topic at that disadvantage, and was about to seek a change when a change came of itself. A footstep was heard on the stairs, and she said:
There-hes coming!
They, ma you ought to say they its nearer right.
The new lodger, rather shoutingly dressed but looking superbly handsome, stepped with courtly carnage into the trim little breakfast-room and put out all his cordial arms at once, like one of those pocket-knives with a multiplicity of blades, and shook hands with the whole family simultaneously. He was so easy and pleasant and hearty that all embarrassment presently thawed away and disappeared, and a cheery feeling of friendliness and comradeship took its place. He or preferably they were asked to occupy the seat of honor at the foot of the table. They consented with thanks, and carved the beefsteak with one set of their hands while they distributed it at the same time with the other set.
Will you have coffee, gentlemen, or tea?
Coffee for Luigi, if you please, madam, tea for me.
Cream and sugar?
For me, yes, madam; Luigi takes his coffee, black. Our natures differ a good deal from each other, and our tastes also.
The first time the negro girl Nancy appeared in the door and saw the two heads turned in opposite directions and both talking at once, then saw the commingling arms feed potatoes into one mouth and coffee into the other at the same time, she had to pause and pull herself out of a faintness that came over her; but after that she held her grip and was able to wait on the table with fair courage.
Conversation fell naturally into the customary grooves. It was a little jerky, at first, because none of the family could get smoothly through a sentence without a wabble in it here and a break there, caused by some new surprise in the way of attitude or gesture on the part of the twins. The weather suffered the most. The weather was all finished up and disposed of, as a subject, before the simple Missourians had gotten sufficiently wonted to the spectacle of one body feeding two heads to feel composed and reconciled in the presence of so bizarre a miracle. And even after everybodys mind became tranquilized there was still one slight distraction left: the hand that picked up a biscuit carried it to the wrong head, as often as any other way, and the wrong mouth devoured it. This was a puzzling thing, and marred the talk a little. It bothered the widow to such a degree that she presently dropped out of the conversation without knowing it, and fell to watching and guessing and talking to herself:
Now that hand is going to take that coffee to no, its gone to the other mouth; I cant understand it; and Now, here is the dark-complected hand with a potato in its fork, Ill see what goes with it there, the light-complected heads got it, as sure as I live!
Finally Rowena said:
Ma, what is the matter with you? Are you dreaming about something?
The old lady came to herself and blushed; then she explained with the first random thing that came into her mind: I saw Mr. Angelo take up Mr. Luigis coffee, and I thought maybe he shant I give you a cup, Mr. Angelo?
Oh no, madam, I am very much obliged, but I never drink coffee, much as I would like to. You did see me take up Luigis cup, it is true, but if you noticed, I didnt carry it to my mouth, but to his.
Y-es, I thought you did: Did you mean to?
How?
The widow was a little embarrassed again. She said:
I dont know but what Im foolish, and you mustnt mind; but you see, he got the coffee I was expecting to see you drink, and you got a potato that I thought he was going to get. So I thought it might be a mistake all around, and everybody getting what wasnt intended for him.
Both twins laughed and Luigi said:
Dear madam, there wasnt any mistake. We are always helping each other that way. It is a great economy for us both; it saves time and labor. We have a system of signs which nobody can notice or understand but ourselves. If I am using both my hands and want some coffee, I make the sign and Angelo furnishes it to me; and you saw that when he needed a potato I delivered it.