MR. JOUR. You must also have a trumpet-marine. [Footnote: An instrument with one thick string.] The trumpet-marine is an instrument that I like, and a very harmonious one.
MUS. MAS. Leave all the arrangements to us.
MR. JOUR. Be sure you don't forget to send me, by and by, some singers to sing at table.
MUS. MAS. You shall have all that is necessary.
MR. JOUR. But, above all, give us a nice ballet.
MUS. MAS. You will be pleased with it, and particularly with certain minuets which you shall see in it.
MR. JOUR. Ah! minuets are my favourite dance, and you should see me dance one. Come, my master.
DAN. MAS. A hat, Sir, if you please. (MR. JOURDAIN takes the hat from his SERVANT, and puts it on over his night-cap; his master takes him by both hands, and makes him dance to a minuet air which he hums.) La, la, la, la, la, la; la, la, la, la, la, la, la; la, la, la, la, la, la; la, la, la, la, la, la; la, la, la, la, la; in time, if you please; la, la, la, la, la; the right leg, la, la, la; do not shake your shoulders so much; la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la; your two arms are crippled; la, la, la, la, la; hold up your head; turn out your toes; la, la, la; your body erect.
MR. JOUR. Eh! eh!
MUS. MAS. Wonderfully well done.
MR. JOUR. Now I think of it! Teach me to make a bow to a marchioness.
I shall have need of it presently.
DAN. MAS. A bow to a marchioness?
MR. JOUR. Yes; a marchioness, whose name is Dorimène.
DAN. MAS. Give me your hand.
MR. JOUR. No. You need only do it yourself. I shall be sure to remember.
DAN. MAS. If you want to salute her with great respect, you must first of all bow whilst stepping backward, then, advancing towards her, make three bows, and at the last bow bend down to her very knees.
MR. JOUR. Do it a little for me to see. (After the DANCING MASTER has made three bows) Good.
SCENE II.
MR. JOURDAIN, MUSIC MASTER, DANCING MASTER, A SERVANT.
SER. Sir, your fencing master is here.
MR. JOUR. Make him come in here for my lesson. (To the MUSIC and DANCING MASTERS) I wish you to see me perform.
SCENE III.
MR. JOURDAIN, FENCING MASTER, MUSIC MASTER, DANCING MASTER, A SERVANT holding two foils.
FEN. MAS. (taking the two foils from the hands of the SERVANT, and giving one to MR. JOURDAIN). Now, Sir, the salute. The body upright, resting slightly on the left thigh. The legs not so far apart; the feet in a line. The wrist in a line with the thigh. The point of the foil opposite the shoulder. The arm not quite so much extended. The left hand as high as the eye. The left shoulder more squared. The head erect; the look firm. Advance; the body steady. Engage my blade in quart, and retain the engagement. One, two. As you were. Once more, with the foot firm. One, two; a step to the rear. When you make an attack, Sir, the sword should move first, and the body be well held back. One, two. Engage my blade in tierce, and retain the engagement. Advance; the body steady. Advance; one, two. Recover. Once more. One, two. A step to the rear. On guard, Sir; on guard. (The FENCING MASTER delivers two or three attacks, calling out, "On guard!")
MR. JOUR. Ah!
MUS. MAS. You are doing wonders.
FEN. MAS. As I have already told you, the whole art of fencing consists of one of two things in giving and not receiving; and as I showed you the other day by demonstrative reason, it is impossible for you to receive if you know how to turn aside your adversary's weapon from the line of your body; and this again depends only on a slight movement of the wrist to the inside or the out. [Footnote: Kindly corrected by Mr. Maclaren, The Gymnasium, Oxford.]
MR. JOUR. So that a man, without having any courage, is sure of killing his man, and of not being killed himself.
FEN. MAS. Exactly. Did you not see plainly the demonstration of it?
MR. JOUR. Yes.
FEN. MAS. And this shows you of what importance we must be in a state; and how much the science of arms is superior to all the other useless sciences, such as dancing, music
DAN. MAS. Gently, Mr. Fencing Master; speak of dancing with respect, if you please.
MUS. MAS. Pray learn to treat more properly the excellence of music.
FEN. MAS. You certainly are odd sort of people to try and compare your sciences to mine.
MUS. MAS. Just see the man of importance!
DAN. MAS. A fine animal, to be sure, with his plastron.
FEN. MAS. Take care, my little dancing master, or I shall make you dance in fine style. And you, my little musician, I'll teach you to sing out.
DAN. MAS. And you, my beater of iron, I'll teach you your trade.
MR. JOUR. (to the DANCING MASTER). Are you mad to go and quarrel with a man, who understands tierce and quart, and knows how to kill another by demonstrative reason?
DAN. MAS. I don't care a straw for his demonstrative reason, and his tierce and his quart.
MR. JOUR. (to the DANCING MASTER). Gently, I tell you.
FEN. MAS. (to the DANCING MASTER). How! You little impudent fellow!
MR. JOUR. Ah! my fencing master!
DAN. MAS. (to the FENCING MASTER). How! you great cart-horse!
MR. JOUR. Stop! my dancing master!
FEN. MAS. If I once begin with you
MR. JOUR. (to the FENCING MASTER). Gently.
DAN. MAR. If I lay my hand upon you
MR. JOUR. Softly.
FEN. MAS. I will beat you after such a fashion
MR. JOUR. (to the FENCING MASTER). For goodness sake!
DAN. MAS. I'll thrash you in such a style
MR. JOUR. (to the DANCING MASTER). I beg of you
MUS. MAS. Let us teach him a little how to behave himself.
MR. JOUR. (to the MUSIC MASTER). Gracious heavens! Do stop.
SCENE IV.
PROFESSOR OF PHILOSOPHY, MR. JOURDAIN, MUSIC MASTER, DANCING MASTER, FENCING MASTER, A SERVANT.
MR. JOUR. Oh! you are in the very nick of time with your philosophy.
Pray come here and restore peace among these people.
PROF. PHIL. What is going on? What is the matter, gentlemen?
MR. JOUR. They have got themselves into such a rage about the importance that ought to be attached to their different professions that they have almost come to blows over it.
PROF. PHIL. For shame, gentlemen; how can you thus forget yourselves? Have you not read the learned treatise which Seneca composed on anger? Is there anything more base and more shameful than the passion which changes a man into a savage beast, and ought not reason to govern all our actions?
DAN. MAS. How, Sir! He comes and insults us both in our professions; he despises dancing, which I teach, and music, which is his occupation.
PROF. PHIL. A wise man is above all the insults that can be offered him; and the best and noblest answer one can make to all kinds of provocation is moderation and patience.
FEN. MAS. They have both the impertinence to compare their professions to mine!
PROF. PHIL. Why should this offend you? It is not for vain glory and rank that men should strive among themselves. What distinguishes one man from another is wisdom and virtue.
DAN. MAS. I maintain that dancing is a science which we cannot honour too much. [Footnote: In fact, dancing was much more honoured in Molière's time than it is now.]
MUS. MAS. And I that music is a science which all ages have revered.
FEN. MAS. And I, I maintain against them both that the science of attack and defence is the best and most necessary of all sciences.
PROF. PHIL. And for what, then, do you count philosophy? I think you are all three very bold fellows to dare to speak before me with this arrogance, and impudently to give the name of science to things which are not even to be honoured with the name of art, but which can only be classed with the trades of prize-fighter, street-singer, and mountebank.
FEN. MAS. Get out, you dog of a philosopher.
MUS. MAS. Get along with you, you beggarly pedant.
DAN. MAS. Begone, you empty-headed college scout.
PROF. PHIL. How, scoundrels that you are!
(The PHILOSOPHER rushes upon them, and they all three belabour him.)
MR. JOUR. Mr. Philosopher.
PROF. PHIL. Infamous villains!
MR. JOUR. Mr. Philosopher!
FEN. MAS. Plague take the animal!
MR. JOUR. Gentlemen!
PROF. PHIL. Impudent cads!
MR. JOUR. Mr. Philosopher!
DAN. MAS. Deuce take the saddled ass!
MR. JOUR. Gentlemen!
PROF. PHIL. Scoundrels!
MR. JOUR. Mr. Philosopher!
MUS. MAS. Devil take the insolent fellow!
MR. JOUR. Gentlemen!
PROF. PHIL. Knaves, beggars, wretches, impostors!
MR. JOUR. Mr. Philosopher! Gentlemen! Mr. Philosopher! Gentlemen! Mr. Philosopher!
SCENE V.
MR. JOURDAIN, A SERVANT.
MR. JOUR. Well! fight as much as you like, I can't help it; but don't expect me to go and spoil my dressing-gown to separate you. I should be a fool indeed to thrust myself among them, and receive some blow or other that might hurt me.
SCENE VI.
PROFESSOR OF PHILOSOPHY, MR. JOURDAIN, A SERVANT.
PROF. PHIL. (setting his collar in order). Now for our lesson.
MR. JOUR. Ah! Sir, how sorry I am for the blows they have given you.
PROF. PHIL. It is of no consequence. A philosopher knows how to receive things calmly, and I shall compose against them a satire, in the style of Juvenal, which will cut them up in proper fashion. Let us drop this subject. What do you wish to learn?
MR. JOUR. Everything I can, for I have the greatest desire in the world to be learned; and it vexes me more than I can tell that my father and mother did not make me learn thoroughly all the sciences when I was young.
PROF. PHIL. This is a praiseworthy feeling. Nam sine doctrina vita est quasi mortis imago. You understand this, and you have no doubt a knowledge of Latin?
MR. JOUR. Yes; but act as if I had none. Explain to me the meaning of it.
PROF. PHIL. The meaning of it is, that, without science, life is an image of death.
MR. JOUR. That Latin is quite right.
PROF. PHIL. Have you any principles, any rudiments of science?
MR. JOUR. Oh yes; I can read and write.
PROF. PHIL. With what would you like to begin? Shall I teach you logic?
MR. JOUR. And what may this logic be?
PROF. PHIL. It is that which teaches us the three operations of the mind.
MR. JOUR. What are they, these three operations of the mind?
PROF. PHIL. The first, the second, and the third. The first is to conceive well by means of universals; the second, to judge well by means of categories; and the third, to draw a conclusion aright by means of the figures Barbara, Celarent, Darii, Ferio, Baralipton, &c.
MR. JOUR. Pooh! what repulsive words. This logic does not by any means suit me. Teach me something more enlivening.
PROF. PHIL. Will you learn moral philosophy?
MR. JOUR. Moral philosophy?
PROF. PHIL. Yes.
MR. JOUR. What does it say, this moral philosophy?
PROF. PHIL. It treats of happiness, teaches men to moderate their passions, and
MR. JOUR. No, none of that. I am devilishly hot-tempered, and, morality or no morality, I like to give full vent to my anger whenever I have a mind to it.
PROF. PHIL. Would you like to learn physics?
MR. JOUR. And what have physics to say for themselves?
PROF. PHIL. Physics are that science which explains the principles of natural things and the properties of bodies, which discourses of the nature of the elements, of metals, minerals, stones, plants, and animals; which teaches us the cause of all the meteors, the rainbow, the ignis fatuus, comets, lightning, thunder, thunderbolts, rain, snow, hail, wind, and whirlwinds.
MR. JOUR. There is too much hullaballoo in all that; too much riot and rumpus.
PROF. PHIL. What would you have me teach you then?
MR. JOUR. Teach me spelling.
PROF. PHIL. Very good.
MR. JOUR. Afterwards you will teach me the almanac, so that I may know when there is a moon, and when there isn't one.
PROF. PHIL. Be it so. In order to give a right interpretation to your thought, and to treat this matter philosophically, we must begin, according to the order of things, with an exact knowledge of the nature of the letters, and the different way in which each is pronounced. And on this head I have to tell you that letters are divided into vowels, so called because they express the voice, and into consonants, so called because they are sounded with the vowels, and only mark the different articulations of the voice. There are five vowels or voices, a, e, i, o, u. [Footnote: It is scarcely necessary to say that this description, such as it is, only applies to the French vowels as they are pronounced in pâte, thé, ici, côté, du respectively.]
MR. JOUR. I understand all that.
PROF. PHIL. The vowel a is formed by opening the mouth very wide; a.
MR. JOUR. A, a; yes.
PROF. PHIL. The vowel e is formed by drawing the lower jaw a little nearer to the upper; a, e.
MR. JOUR. A, e; a, e; to be sure. Ah! how beautiful that is!
PROF. PHIL. And the vowel i by bringing the jaws still closer to one another, and stretching the two corners of the mouth towards the ears; a, e, i.
MR. JOUR. A, e, i, i, i, i. Quite true. Long live science!
PROF. PHIL. The vowel o is formed by opening the jaws, and drawing in the lips at the two corners, the upper and the lower; o.
MR. JOUR. O, o. Nothing can be more correct; a, e, i, o, i, o. It is admirable! I, o, i, o.
PROF. PHIL. The opening of the mouth exactly makes a little circle, which resembles an o.
MR. JOUR. O, o, o. You are right. O! Ah! what a fine thing it is to know something!
PROF. PHIL. The vowel u is formed by bringing the teeth near each other without entirely joining them, and thrusting out both the lips whilst also bringing them near together without quite joining them; u.
MR. JOUR. U, u. There is nothing more true; u.
PROF. PHIL. Your two lips lengthen as if you were pouting; so that, if you wish to make a grimace at anybody, and to laugh at him, you have only to u him.
MR. JOUR. U, u. It's true. Oh! that I had studied when I was younger, so as to know all this.
PROF. PHIL. To-morrow we will speak of the other letters, which are the consonants.