Ang. Yes, of course.
Arg. Well, he is the nephew of Mr. Purgon, and the son of his brother-in-law, Mr. Diafoirus; and this son is called Thomas Diafoirus, and not Cléante. Mr. Fleurant and I decided upon this match this morning, and to-morrow this future son-in-law will be brought to me by his father What is the matter, you look all scared?
Ang. It is because, father, I see that you have been speaking of one person, and I of another.
Toi. What! Sir, you have formed such a queer project as that, and, with all the wealth you possess, you want to marry your daughter to a doctor?
Arg. What business is it of yours, you impudent jade?
Toi. Gently, gently. You always begin by abuse. Can we not reason together without getting into a rage? Come, let us speak quietly. What reason have you, if you please, for such a marriage?
Arg. My reason is, that seeing myself infirm and sick, I wish to have a son-in-law and relatives who are doctors, in order to secure their kind assistance in my illness, to have in my family the fountain-head of those remedies which are necessary to me, and to be within reach of consultations and prescriptions.
Toi. Very well; at least that is giving a reason, and there is a certain pleasure in answering one another calmly. But now, Sir, on your conscience, do you really and truly believe that you are ill?
Arg. Believe that I am ill, you jade? Believe that I am ill, you impudent hussy?
Toi. Very well, then, Sir, you are ill; don't let us quarrel about that. Yes, you are very ill, I agree with you upon that point, more ill even than you think. Now, is that settled? But your daughter is to marry a husband for herself, and as she is not ill, what is the use of giving her a doctor?
Arg. It is for my sake that I give her this doctor, and a good daughter ought to be delighted to marry for the sake of her father's health.
Toi. In good troth, Sir, shall I, as a friend, give you a piece of advice?
Arg. What is this advice?
Toi. Not to think of this match.
Arg. And your reason?
Toi. The reason is that your daughter will never consent to it.
Arg. My daughter will not consent to it?
Toi. No.
Arg. My daughter?
Toi. Your daughter. She will tell you that she has no need of Mr. Diafoirus, nor of his son, Mr. Thomas Diafoirus, nor all the Diafoiruses in the world.
Arg. But I have need of them. Besides, the match is more advantageous than you think. Mr. Diafoirus has only this son for his heir; and, moreover, Mr. Purgon, who has neither wife nor child, gives all he has in favour of this marriage; and Mr. Purgon is a man worth eight thousand francs a year.
Toi. What a lot of people he must have killed to have become so rich!
Arg. Eight thousand francs is something, without counting the property of the father.
Toi. That is very well, Sir, but, all the same, I advise you, between ourselves, to choose another husband for her; she is not of a make to become a Mrs. Diafoirus.
Arg. But I will have it so.
Toi. Fie! nonsense! Don't speak like that.
Arg. Don't speak like that? Why not?
Toi. Dear me, no, don't.
Arg. And why should I not speak like that?
Toi. People will say that you don't know what you are talking about.
Arg. People will say all they like, but I tell you that I will have her make my promise good.
Toi. I feel sure that she won't.
Arg. Then I will force her to do it.
Toi. She will not do it, I tell you.
Arg. She will, or I will shut her up in a convent.
Toi. You?
Arg. I.
Toi. Good!
Arg. How good?
Toi. You will not shut her up in a convent.
Arg. I shall not shut her up in a convent?
Toi. No.
Arg. No?
Toi. No.
Arg. Well, this is cool! I shall not put my daughter in a convent if I like!
Toi. No, I tell you.
Arg. And who will hinder me?
Toi. You yourself.
Arg. Myself?
Toi. You will never have the heart to do it.
Arg. I shall.
Toi. You are joking.
Arg. I am not joking.
Toi. Fatherly love will hinder you.
Arg. It will not hinder me.
Toi. A little tear or two, her arms thrown round your neck, Or "My darling little papa," said very tenderly, will be enough to touch your heart.
Arg. All that will be useless.
Toi. Oh yes!
Arg. I tell you that nothing will move me.
Toi. Rubbish!
Arg. You have no business to say "Rubbish."
Toi. I know you well enough; you are naturally kind-hearted.
Arg. (angrily). I am not kind-hearted, and I am ill-natured when I like.
Toi. Gently, Sir, you forget that you are ill.
Arg. I command her to prepare herself to take the husband I have fixed upon.
Toi. And I decidedly forbid her to do anything of the kind.
Arg. What have we come to? And what boldness is this for a scrub of a servant to speak in such a way before her master?
Toi. When a master does not consider what he is doing, a sensible servant should set him right.
Arg. (running afterToinette). Ah, impudent girl, I will kill you!
Toi. (avoidingArgan, and putting the chair between her and him). It is my duty to oppose what would be a dishonour to you.
Arg. (running afterToinettewith his cane in his hand). Come here, come here, let me teach you how to speak.
Toi. (running to the opposite side of the chair). I interest myself in your affairs as I ought to do, and I don't wish to see you commit any folly.
Arg. (as before). Jade!
Toi. (as before). No, I will never consent to this marriage.
Arg. (as before). Worthless hussy!
Toi. (as before). I won't have her marry your Thomas Diafoirus.
Arg. (as before). Vixen!
Toi. (as before). She will obey me sooner than you.
Arg. (stopping). Angélique, won't you stop that jade for me?
Ang. Ah! father, don't make yourself ill.
Arg. (toAngélique). If you don't stop her, I will refuse you my blessing.
Toi. (going away). And I will disinherit her if she obeys you.
Arg. (throwing himself into his chair). Ah! I am done for. It is enough to kill me!
SCENE VI. BÉLINE, ARGAN
Arg. Ah! come near, my wife.
Bel. What ails you, my poor, dear husband?
Arg. Come to my help.
Bel. What is the matter, my little darling child?
Arg. My love.
Bel. My love.
Arg. They have just put me in a rage.
Bel. Alas! my poor little husband! How was that, my own dear pet?
Arg. That jade of yours, Toinette, has grown more insolent than ever.
Bel. Don't excite yourself.
Arg. She has put me in a rage, my dove.
Bel. Gently, my child.
Arg. She has been thwarting me for the last hour about everything I want to do.
Bel. There, there; never mind.
Arg. And has had the impudence to say that I am not ill.
Bel. She is an impertinent hussy.
Arg. You know, my soul, what the truth is?
Bel. Yes, my darling, she is wrong.
Arg. My own dear, that jade will be the death of me.
Bel. Now, don't, don't.
Arg. She is the cause of all my bile.
Bel. Don't be so angry.
Arg. And I have asked you ever so many times to send her away.
Bel. Alas! my child, there is no servant without defects. We are obliged to put up at times with their bad qualities on account of their good ones. The girl is skilful, careful, diligent, and, above all, honest; and you know that in our days we must be very careful what people we take into our house. I say, Toinette.
SCENE VII. ARGAN, BÉLINE, TOINETTE
Toi. Madam.
Bel. How is this? Why do you put my husband in a passion?
Toi. (in a soft tone). I, Madam? Alas! I don't know what you mean, and my only aim is to please master in everything.
Arg. Ah! the deceitful girl!
Toi. He said to us that he wished to marry his daughter to the son of Mr. Diafoirus. I told him that I thought the match very advantageous for her, but that I believed he would do better to put her in a convent.
Bel. There is not much harm in that, and I think that she is right.
Arg. Ah! deary, do you believe her? She is a vile girl, and has said a hundred insolent things to me.
Bel. Well, I believe you, my dear. Come, compose yourself; and you, Toinette, listen to me. If ever you make my husband angry again, I will send you away. Come, give me his fur cloak and some pillows, that I may make him comfortable in his arm-chair. You are all anyhow. Pull your night-cap right down over your ears; there is nothing that gives people such bad colds as letting in the air through the ears.
Arg. Ah, deary! how much obliged I am to you for all the care you take of me.
Bel. (adjusting the pillows, which she puts round him). Raise yourself a little for me to put this under you. Let us put this one for you to lean upon, and this one on the other side; this one behind your back, and this other to support your head.
Toi. (clapping a pillow rudely on his head). And this other to keep you from the evening damp.
Arg. (rising angrily, and throwing the pillows afterToinette, who runs away). Ah, wretch! you want to smother me.
SCENE VIII. ARGAN, BÉLINE
Bel. Now, now; what is it again?
Arg. (throwing himself in his chair). Ah! I can hold out no longer.
Bel. But why do you fly into such a passion? she thought she was doing right.
Arg. You don't know, darling, the wickedness of that villainous baggage. She has altogether upset me, and I shall want more than eight different mixtures and twelve injections to remedy the evil.
Bel. Come, come, my dearie, compose yourself a little.
Arg. Lovey, you are my only consolation.
Bel. Poor little pet!
Arg. To repay you for all the love you have for me, my darling, I will, as I told you, make my will.
Bel. Ah, my soul! do not let us speak of that, I beseech you. I cannot bear to think of it, and the very word "will" makes me die of grief.
Arg. I had asked you to speak to our notary about it.
Bel. There he is, close at hand; I have brought him with me.
Arg. Make him come in then, my life!
Bel. Alas! my darling, when a woman loves her husband so much, she finds it almost impossible to think of these things.
SCENE IX. MR. DE BONNEFOI, BÉLINE, ARGAN
Arg. Come here, Mr. de Bonnefoi, come here. Take a seat, if you please. My wife tells me, Sir, that you are a very honest man, and altogether one of her friends; I have therefore asked her to speak to you about a will which I wish to make.
Bel. Alas! I cannot speak of those things.
Mr. de Bon. She has fully explained to me your intentions, Sir, and what you mean to do for her. But I have to tell you that you can give nothing to your wife by will.
Arg. But why so?
Mr. de Bon. It is against custom. If you were in a district where statute law prevailed, the thing could be done; but in Paris, and in almost all places governed by custom, it cannot be done; and the will would be held void. The only settlement that man and wife can make on each other is by mutual donation while they are alive, and even then there must be no children from either that marriage or from any previous marriage at the decease of the first who dies.
Arg. It's a very impertinent custom that a husband can leave nothing to a wife whom he loves, by whom he is tenderly loved, and who takes so much care of him. I should like to consult my own advocate to see what I can do.
Mr. de Bon. It is not to an advocate that you must apply; for they are very particular on this point and think it a great crime to bestow one's property contrary to the law. They are people to make difficulties, and are ignorant of the bylaws of conscience. There are others whom you may consult with advantage on that point, and who have expedients for gently overriding the law, and for rendering just that which is not allowed. These know how to smooth over the difficulties of an affair, and to find the means of eluding custom by some indirect advantage. Without that, what would become of us every day? We must make things easy; otherwise we should do nothing, and I wouldn't give a penny for our business.