I think what we have to ask, the principal said, is if, at this point, school is really the best thing Kevin can be doing with the time he has.
It was probably intended to be a kind way of putting it, but all it did was remind Kevin of what the doctor had said. Six months to live. It didnt seem like enough time for anything, let alone to have a life in. Six months worth of seconds, each one ticking away in a steady beat that matched the countdown in his head.
Youre saying that theres no point to my son being in school because hell be dead soon anyway? his mother snapped back. Is that what youre saying?
No, of course not, the principal said, hurriedly, raising his hands to placate her.
Thats what it sounds like youre saying, Kevins mother said. It sounds as though youre freaked out by my sons illness as much as the kids here.
Im saying that its going to be hard to teach Kevin as this gets worse, the principal said. Well try, but dont you want to make the most of the time you have left?
He said that in a gentle tone that still managed to cut right to Kevins heart. He was saying exactly what his mother had thought, just in gentler words. The worst part was that he was right. Kevin wasnt going to live long enough to go to college, or get a job, or do anything that he might need school to prepare for, so why bother being there.
Its okay, Mom, he said, reaching out to touch her arm.
That seemed to be enough of an argument to convince his mother, and just that told Kevin how serious this all was. On any other occasion, he would have expected her to fight. Now it seemed that the fight had been sucked out of her.
They went out to the car in silence. Kevin looked back at the school. The thought hit him that he probably wouldnt be coming back. He hadnt even had a chance to say goodbye.
Im sorry they called you at work, Kevin said as they sat in the car. He could feel the tension there. His mom didnt turn the engine on, just sat.
Its not that, she said. Its just it was getting easy to pretend that nothing was wrong. She sounded so sad then, so deeply hurt. Kevin had gotten used to the expression that meant she was trying to keep from crying. She wasnt succeeding.
Are you okay, Kevin? she asked, even though by then, he was the one holding onto her, as tightly as he could.
Im I wish I didnt have to leave school, Kevin said. Hed never thought he would hear himself say that. Hed never thought that anyone would say that.
We could go back in, his mother said. I could tell the principal that Im going to bring you back here tomorrow, and every day after that, until
She broke off.
Until it gets too bad, Kevin said. He screwed his eyes tightly shut. I think maybe its already too bad, Mom.
He heard her hit the dashboard, the dull thud echoing around the car.
I know, she said. I know and I hate it. I hate this disease thats taking my little boy from me.
She cried again for a little while. In spite of his attempts to stay strong, Kevin did too. It seemed to take a long time before his mother was calm enough to say anything else.
They said you saw planets, Kevin? she asked.
I saw it, Kevin said. How could he explain what it was like? How real it was?
His mother looked over, and now Kevin had the sense of her struggling for the right words to say. Struggling to be comforting and firm and calm, all at the same time. You get that this isnt real, right, honey? Its just its just the disease.
Kevin knew that he ought to understand it, but
It doesnt feel like that, Kevin said.
I know it doesnt, his mother said. And I hate that, because its just a reminder that my little boy is slipping away. All of this, I wish I could make it go away.
Kevin didnt know what to say to that. He wished it would go away too.
It feels real, Kevin said, even so.
His mother was quiet for a long time. When she finally spoke, her voice had the brittle, barely holding it together quality that only arrived since the diagnosis, but now had become far too familiar.
Maybe maybe its time we took you to see that psychologist.
CHAPTER THREE
Dr. Linda Yalestroms office wasnt anywhere near as medical looking as all the others Kevin had been in recently. It was her home, for one thing, in Berkeley, with the university close enough that it seemed to back up her credentials as surely as the certificates that were neatly framed on the wall.
The rest of it looked like the kind of home office Kevin expected from TV, with soft furnishings obviously relegated here after some previous move, a desk where clutter had crept in from the rest of the house, and a few potted plants that seemed to be biding their time, ready to take over.
Kevin found himself liking Dr. Yalestrom. She was a short, dark-haired woman in her fifties, whose clothes were brightly patterned and about as far from medical scrubs as it was possible to get. Kevin suspected that might be the point, if she spent a lot of time working with people who had received the worst news possible from doctors already.
Come sit down, Kevin, she said with a smile, gesturing to a broad red couch that was well worn with years of people sitting on it. Ms. McKenzie, why dont you give us a while? I want Kevin to feel that he can say anything he needs to say. My assistant will get you some coffee.
His mother nodded. Ill be right outside.
Kevin went to sit on the couch, which turned out to be exactly as comfortable as it appeared. He looked around the room at pictures of fishing trips and vacations. It took him a while to realize something important.
Youre not in any of the photos in here, he said.
Dr. Yalestrom smiled at that. Most of my clients never notice. The truth is, a lot of these are places I always wanted to go, or places I heard were interesting. I put them out because young men like you spend a lot of time staring around the room, doing anything but talk to me, and I figure you should at least have something to look at.
It seemed a bit like cheating to Kevin.
If you work with people who are dying a lot, he said, why do you have pictures of places you always wanted to go? Why put it off, when youve seen
When Ive seen how quickly it can all end? Dr. Yalestrom asked, gently.
Kevin nodded.
Maybe because of the wonderful human ability to know that and still procrastinate. Or maybe I have been to some of these places, and the reason Im not in the pictures is just that I think one of me staring down at people is quite enough.
Kevin wasnt sure if those were good reasons or not. They didnt seem like enough, somehow.
Where would you go, Kevin? Dr. Yalestrom asked. Where would you go if you could go anywhere?
I dont know, he replied.
Well, think about it. You dont have to let me know right away.
Kevin shook his head. It was strange, talking to an adult this way. Generally, when you were thirteen, conversations came down to questions or instructions. With the possible exception of his mom, who was at work a lot of the time anyway, adults werent really interested in what someone his age had to say.
I dont know, he repeated. I mean, I never really thought Id get to go anywhere. He tried to think about places he might like to go, but it was hard to come up with anywhere, especially now that he only had a few months to do it. I feel as though, wherever I think of, whats the point? Ill be dead pretty soon.
What do you think the point is? Dr. Yalestrom asked.
Kevin did his best to think of a reason. I guess because pretty soon is not the same thing as now?
The psychologist nodded. I think thats a good way to put it. So, is there anything that you would like to do in the pretty soon, Kevin?
Kevin thought about it. I guess I guess I should tell Luna whats happening.
And whos Luna?
Shes my friend, Kevin said. We dont go to the same school anymore, so she hasnt seen me collapse or anything, and I havent called in a few days, but
But you should tell her, Dr. Yalestrom said. It isnt healthy to push away your friends when things get bad, Kevin. Not even to protect them.
Kevin swallowed back a denial, because it was kind of what he was doing. He didnt want to inflict this on Luna, didnt want to hurt her with the news of what was going to happen. It was part of the reason he hadnt called her in so long.
What else? Dr. Yalestrom said. Lets try places again. If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
Kevin tried to pick among all the places in the room, but the truth was that there was only one landscape that kept springing into his head, with colors no normal camera could capture.
It would sound stupid, he said.
Theres nothing wrong with sounding stupid, Dr. Yalestrom assured him. Ill tell you a secret. People often think that everyone else but them is special. They think that other people must be cleverer, or braver, or better, because only they can see the parts of themselves that arent those things. They worry that everyone else says the right thing, and they sound stupid. Its not true though.
Even so, Kevin sat there for several seconds, examining the upholstery of the couch in detail. I I see places. One place. I guess its the reason that I had to come here.
Dr. Yalestrom smiled. Youre here because an illness like yours can create a lot of odd effects, Kevin. Im here to help you cope with them, without them dominating your life. Would you like to tell me more about the things you see?
Again, Kevin made a detailed examination of the couch, learning its topography, picking at a tiny speck of lint sticking up from the rest. Dr. Yalestrom was silent while he did it; the kind of silence that felt as though it was sucking words up out of him, giving them a space to fall into.
I see a place where nothing is quite the same as here. The colors are wrong, the animals and the plants are different, Kevin said. I see it destroyed at least, I think I do. Theres fire and heat, a bright flash. Theres a set of numbers. And theres something that feels like a countdown.
Why does it feel like a countdown? Dr. Yalestrom asked.
Kevin shrugged. Im not sure. Because the pulses are getting closer together, I guess?
The psychologist nodded, then went over to her desk. She came back with paper and pencils.
How are you at art? she asked. No, dont answer that. It doesnt matter if this is a great work of art or not. I just want you to try to draw what you see, so that I can get a sense of what its like. Dont pay too much attention to it, just draw. Can you do that for me, Kevin?
Kevin shrugged. Ill try.
He took the pencils and paper, trying to bring the landscape that hed seen to mind, trying to remember every detail of it. It was hard to do, because although the numbers stayed in his head, it felt as though he had to dive down deep into himself to pull up the images. They were below the surface, and to get at them, Kevin had to pull back into himself, concentrating on nothing else, letting the pencil flow over the paper almost automatically
Okay, Kevin, she said, taking the pad away before Kevin could get a good look at what hed drawn. Lets see what youve
He saw the look of shock that crossed her face, so brief that it almost wasnt there. It was there though, and Kevin had to wonder what it would take to shock someone who heard stories about people dying every day.
What is it? Kevin asked. What did I draw?
You dont know? Dr. Yalestrom asked.
I was trying not to think too much, Kevin said. Did I do something wrong?
Dr. Yalestrom shook her head. No, Kevin, you didnt do anything wrong.
She held out Kevins drawing. Would you like to take a look at what you produced? Perhaps it will help you to understand things.
She held it out folded, in just the tips of her fingers, as if she didnt want to touch it more than necessary. That made Kevin worry just a little. What could he have drawn that would make an adult react like that? He took it, unfolding it.
A drawing of a spaceship sat there, only drawing probably wasnt the right word for it. This was more like a blueprint, complete in every detail, which seemed impossible in the time Kevin had to draw. Hed never even seen this before, but here it was, on the page, looking giant and flat, like a city perched on a disk. There were smaller disks around it, like worker bees around a queen.
The detail meant that there was something neat, almost clinical, about the way it was drawn, but there was more to it than that. There was something about the geometry of it that was just wrong, somehow, seeming to have depths and angles to it that shouldnt have been possible to capture just in a sketch like this.
But this Kevin didnt know what to say. Didnt this prove what was happening? Did anyone think he could have just made something like this up?
Apparently, Dr. Yalestrom wasnt convinced though. She took back the picture, folding it carefully as though she didnt want to have to look at it. Kevin suspected that the strangeness of it was too much for her.
I think its important that we talk about the things youre seeing, she said. Do you think those things are real?
Kevin hesitated. Im not sure. They feel real, but a lot of people now have told me that they cant be.
It makes sense, Dr. Yalestrom said. What youre feeling is very common.
It is? What he was experiencing didnt feel very common at all. I thought that my illness was rare.
Dr. Yalestrom moved over to her desk, placing Kevins drawing in a file. She picked up a tablet and started to make notes. Is it important that other people shouldnt experience what youre experiencing, Kevin?
No, its not that, Kevin said. It was just that Dr. Markham said that this disease only affects a few people.
Thats true, Dr. Yalestrom agreed. But I see a lot of people who experience hallucinations of some kind for other reasons.
You think Im going crazy, Kevin guessed. Everyone else seemed to. Even his mom, presumably, since shed been the one to bring him here after hed started talking about them. He didnt feel like he was going crazy, though.
Thats not a word I like to use here, Dr. Yalestrom said. I think that often, the behavior that we label crazy is there for a good reason. Its just that often, those reasons only make sense to the person concerned. People will do things to protect themselves from situations that are too difficult to handle, which seem to be unusual.
You think thats what Im doing with these visions? Kevin asked. He shook his head. Theyre real. Im not making them up.
Can I tell you what I think, Kevin? I think a part of you might be attached to these visions because its helping you to think that your illness might be happening for some kind of greater good. I think that maybe these visions are actually you trying to make sense of your illness. The imagery in them theres a strange place that isnt like the normal world. Could that represent the way things have changed?