W. W. Jacobs
Captains All and Others
CAPTAINS ALL
Every sailorman grumbles about the sea, said the night-watchman, thoughtfully. Its human nature to grumble, and I spose they keep on grumbling and sticking to it because there aint much else they can do. Theres not many shore-going berths that a sailorman is fit for, and those that they aresuch as a night-watchmans, for instancewants such a good character that theres few as are to equal it.
Sometimes they get things to do ashore. I knew one man that took up butchering, and e did very well at it till the police took him up. Another man I knew gave up the sea to marry a washerwoman, and they hadnt been married six months afore she died, and back he ad to go to sea agin, pore chap.
A man who used to grumble awful about the sea was old Sam Smalla man Ive spoke of to you before. To hear im go on about the sea, arter he ad spent four or five months money in a fortnight, was artbreaking. He used to ask us wot was going to happen to im in his old age, and when we pointed out that he wouldnt be likely to ave any old age if he wasnt more careful of imself he used to fly into a temper and call us everything e could lay his tongue to.
One time when e was ashore with Peter Russet and Ginger Dick he seemed to ave got it on the brain. He started being careful of is money instead o spending it, and three mornings running he bought a newspaper and read the advertisements, to see whether there was any comfortable berth for a strong, good-arted man wot didnt like work.
He actually went arter one situation, and, if it hadnt ha been for seventy-nine other men, he said he believed hed ha had a good chance of getting it. As it was, all e got was a black eye for shoving another man, and for a day or two he was so down-arted that e was no company at all for the other two.
For three or four days e went out by imself, and then, all of a sudden, Ginger Dick and Peter began to notice a great change in him. He seemed to ave got quite cheerful and appy. He answered em back pleasant when they spoke to im, and one night he lay in is bed whistling comic songs until Ginger and Peter Russet ad to get out o bed to him. When he bought a new necktie and a smart cap and washed imself twice in one day they fust began to ask each other wot was up, and then they asked him.
Up? ses Sam; nothing.
Hes in love, ses Peter Russet.
Youre a liar, ses Sam, without turning round.
Hell ave it bad at is age, ses Ginger.
Sam didnt say nothing, but he kept fidgeting about as though ed got something on his mind. Fust he looked out o the winder, then he ummed a tune, and at last, looking at em very fierce, he took a tooth-brush wrapped in paper out of is pocket and began to clean is teeth.
He is in love, ses Ginger, as soon as he could speak.
Or else es gorn mad, ses Peter, watching im. Which is it, Sam?
Sam made believe that he couldnt answer im because o the tooth-brush, and arter hed finished he ad such a raging toothache that e sat in a corner holding is face and looking the pictur o misery. They couldnt get a word out of him till they asked im to go out with them, and then he said e was going to bed. Twenty minutes arterwards, when Ginger Dick stepped back for is pipe, he found he ad gorn.
He tried the same game next night, but the other two wouldnt ave it, and they stayed in so long that at last e lost is temper, and, arter wondering wot Gingers father and mother could ha been a-thinking about, and saying that he believed Peter Russet ad been changed at birth for a sea-sick monkey, he put on is cap and went out. Both of em follered im sharp, but when he led em to a mission-hall, and actually went inside, they left im and went off on their own.
They talked it over that night between themselves, and next evening they went out fust and hid themselves round the corner. Ten minutes arterwards old Sam came out, walking as though e was going to catch a train; and smiling to think ow he ad shaken them off. At the corner of Commercial Road he stopped and bought imself a button-hole for is coat, and Ginger was so surprised that e pinched Peter Russet to make sure that he wasnt dreaming.
Old Sam walked straight on whistling, and every now and then looking down at is button-hole, until by-and-by he turned down a street on the right and went into a little shop. Ginger Dick and Peter waited for im at the corner, but he was inside for so long that at last they got tired o waiting and crept up and peeped through the winder.
It was a little tobacconists shop, with newspapers and penny toys and such-like; but, as far as Ginger could see through two rows o pipes and the Police News, it was empty. They stood there with their noses pressed against the glass for some time, wondering wot had appened to Sam, but by-and-by a little boy went in and then they began to ave an idea wot Sams little game was.
As the shop-bell went the door of a little parlour at the back of the shop opened, and a stout and uncommon good-looking woman of about forty came out. Her ead pushed the Police News out o the way and her and came groping into the winder arter a toy.
Ginger ad a good look at er out o the corner of one eye, while he pretended to be looking at a tobacco-jar with the other. As the little boy came out im and Peter Russet went in.
I want a pipe, please, he ses, smiling at er; a clay pipeone o your best. The woman handed im down a box to choose from, and just then Peter, wot ad been staring in at the arf-open door at a boot wot wanted lacing up, gave a big start and ses, Why! Halloa!
Wots the matter? ses the woman, looking at im.
Id know that foot anywhere, ses Peter, still staring at it; and the words was hardly out of is mouth afore the foot ad moved itself away and tucked itself under its chair. Why, thats my dear old friend Sam Small, aint it?
Do you know the captin? ses the woman, smiling at im.
Cap? ses Peter. Cap? Oh, yes; why, hes the biggest friend Ive got. Ow strange! ses the woman.
Weve been wanting to see im for some time, ses Ginger. He was kind enough to lend me arf a crown the other day, and Ive been wanting to pay im.
Captin Small, ses the woman, pushing open the door, heres some old friends o yours.
Old Sam turned is face round and looked at em, and if looks could ha killed, as the saying is, theyd ha been dead men there and then.
Oh, yes, he ses, in a choking voice; ow are you?
Pretty well, thank you, captin, ses Ginger, grinning at im; and ows yourself arter all this long time?
He held out is hand and Sam shook it, and then shook ands with Peter Russet, who was grinning so ard that he couldnt speak.
These are two old friends o mine, Mrs. Finch, ses old Sam, giving em a warning look; Captin Dick and Captin Russet, two o the oldest and best friends a man ever ad.
Captin Dick as got arf a crown for you, ses Peter Russet, still grinning.
There now, ses Ginger, looking vexed, if I aint been and forgot it; Ive ony got arf a sovereign.
I can give you change, sir, ses Mrs. Finch. Praps youd like to sit down for five minutes?
Ginger thanked er, and im and Peter Russet took a chair apiece in front o the fire and began asking old Sam about is ealth, and wot hed been doing since they saw im last.
Fancy your reckernizing his foot, ses Mrs. Finch, coming in with the change.
Id know it anywhere, ses Peter, who was watching Ginger pretending to give Sam Small the arf-dollar, and Sam pretending in a most lifelike manner to take it.
Ginger Dick looked round the room. It was a comfortable little place, with pictures on the walls and antimacassars on all the chairs, and a row of pink vases on the mantelpiece. Then e looked at Mrs. Finch, and thought wot a nice-looking woman she was.
This is nicer than being aboard ship with a crew o nasty, troublesome sailormen to look arter, Captin Small, he ses.
Its wonderful the way he manages em, ses Peter Russet to Mrs. Finch. Like a lion he is.
A roaring lion, ses Ginger, looking at Sam. He dont know wot fear is.
Sam began to smile, and Mrs. Finch looked at im so pleased that Peter Russet, who ad been looking at er and the room, and thinking much the same way as Ginger, began to think that they was on the wrong tack.
Afore e got stout and old, he ses, shaking his ead, there wasnt a smarter skipper afloat.
We all ave our day, ses Ginger, shaking his ead too.
I dessay hes good for another year or two afloat, yet, ses Peter Russet, considering. With care, ses Ginger.
Old Sam was going to say something, but e stopped himself just in time. They will ave their joke, he ses, turning to Mrs. Finch and trying to smile. I feel as young as ever I did.
Mrs. Finch said that anybody with arf an eye could see that, and then she looked at a kettle that was singing on the ob.
I spose you gentlemen wouldnt care for a cup o cocoa? she ses, turning to them.
Ginger Dick and Peter both said that they liked it better than anything else, and, arter she ad got out the cups and saucers and a tin o cocoa, Ginger held the kettle and poured the water in the cups while she stirred them, and old Sam sat looking on elpless.
It does seem funny to see you drinking cocoa, captin, ses Ginger, as old Sam took his cup.
Ho! ses Sam, firing up; and why, if I might make so bold as to ask?
Cos Ive generally seen you drinking something out of a bottle, ses Ginger.
Now, look ere, ses Sam, starting up and spilling some of the hot cocoa over is lap.
A ginger-beer bottle, ses Peter Russet, making faces at Ginger to keep quiet.
Yes, o course, thats wot I meant, ses Ginger.
Old Sam wiped the cocoa off is knees without saying a word, but his weskit kept going up and down till Peter Russet felt quite sorry for im.
Theres nothing like it, he ses to Mrs. Finch. It was by sticking to ginger-beer and milk and such-like that Captain Small ad command of a ship afore e was twenty-five.
Lor! ses Mrs. Finch.
She smiled at old Sam till Peter got uneasy agin, and began to think praps ed been praising im too much.
Of course, Im speaking of long ago now, he ses.
Years and years afore you was born, maam, ses Ginger.
Old Sam was going to say something, but Mrs. Finch looked so pleased that e thought better of it. Some o the cocoa e was drinking went the wrong way, and then Ginger patted im on the back and told im to be careful not to bring on is brownchitis agin. Wot with temper and being afraid to speak for fear they should let Mrs. Finch know that e wasnt a captin, he could ardly bear imself, but he very near broke out when Peter Russet advised im to ave his weskit lined with red flannel. They all stayed on till closing time, and by the time they left they ad made theirselves so pleasant that Mrs. Finch said shed be pleased to see them any time they liked to look in.
Sam Small waited till they ad turned the corner, and then he broke out so alarming that they could ardly do anything with im. Twice policemen spoke to im and advised im to go home afore they altered their minds; and he ad to hold imself in and keep quiet while Ginger and Peter Russet took is arms and said they were seeing him ome.
He started the row agin when they got in-doors, and sat up in is bed smacking is lips over the things hed like to ave done to them if he could. And then, arter saying ow hed like to see Ginger boiled alive like a lobster, he said he knew that e was a noble-arted feller who wouldnt try and cut an old pal out, and that it was a case of love at first sight on top of a tram-car.
Shes too young for you, ses Ginger; and too good-looking besides.
Its the nice little bisness hes fallen in love with, Ginger, ses Peter Russet. Ill toss you who as it.
Ginger, who was siting on the foot o Sams bed, said no at fust, but arter a time he pulled out arf a dollar and spun it in the air.
That was the last e see of it, although he ad Sam out o bed and all the clothes stripped off of it twice. He spent over arf an hour on his ands and knees looking for it, and Sam said when he was tired of playing bears praps hed go to bed and get to sleep like a Christian.
They ad it all over agin next morning, and at last, as nobody would agree to keep quiet and let the others ave a fair chance, they made up their minds to let the best man win. Ginger Dick bought a necktie that took all the colour out o Sams, and Peter Russet went in for a collar so big that e was lost in it.
They all strolled into the widows shop separate that night. Ginger Dick ad smashed his pipe and wanted another; Peter Russet wanted some tobacco; and old Sam Small walked in smiling, with a little silver brooch for er, that he said e had picked up.
It was a very nice brooch, and Mrs. Finch was so pleased with it that Ginger and Peter sat there as mad as they could be because they adnt thought of the same thing.
Captain Small is very lucky at finding things, ses Ginger, at last.
Hes got the name for it, ses Peter Russet.
Its a handy abit, ses Ginger; it saves spending money. Who did you give that gold bracelet to you picked up the other night, captin? he ses, turning to Sam.
Gold bracelet? ses Sam. I didnt pick up no gold bracelet. Wot are you talking about?
All right, captin; no offence, ses Ginger, holding up his and. I dreamt I saw one on your mantelpiece, I spose. Praps I oughtnt to ha said anything about it.
Old Sam looked as though hed like to eat im, especially as he noticed Mrs. Finch listening and pretending not to. Oh! that one, he ses, arter a bit o hard thinking. Oh! I found out who it belonged to. You wouldnt believe ow pleased they was at getting it back agin.
Ginger Dick coughed and began to think as ow old Sam was sharper than he ad given im credit for, but afore he could think of anything else to say Mrs. Finch looked at old Sam and began to talk about is ship, and to say ow much she should like to see over it.
I wish I could take you, ses Sam, looking at the other two out o the corner of his eye, but my ships over at Dunkirk, in France. Ive just run over to London for a week or two to look round.
And mines there too, ses Peter Russet, speaking amost afore old Sam ad finished; side by side they lay in the harbour.