W. W. Jacobs
Odd Craft, Complete
THE MONEY-BOX
Sailormen are not good ands at saving money as a rule, said the night-watchman, as he wistfully toyed with a bad shilling on his watch-chain, though to ear em talk of saving when theyre at sea and there isnt a pub within a thousand miles of em, you might think different.
It aint for the want of trying either with some of em, and Ive known men do all sorts o things as soon as they was paid off, with a view to saving. I knew one man as used to keep all but a shilling or two in a belt next to is skin so that he couldnt get at it easy, but it was all no good. He was always running short in the most inconvenient places. Ive seen im wriggle for five minutes right off, with a tramcar conductor standing over im and the other people in the tram reading their papers with one eye and watching him with the other.
Ginger Dick and Peter Russettwo men Ive spoke of to you aforetried to save their money once. Theyd got so sick and tired of spending it all in praps a week or ten days arter coming ashore, and aving to go to sea agin sooner than they ad intended, that they determined some way or other to ave things different.
They was homeward bound on a steamer from Melbourne when they made their minds up; and Isaac Lunn, the oldest fireman aboarda very steady old teetotalergave them a lot of good advice about it. They all wanted to rejoin the ship when she sailed agin, and e offered to take a room ashore with them and mind their money, giving em what e called a moderate amount each day.
They would ha laughed at any other man, but they knew that old Isaac was as honest as could be and that their money would be safe with im, and at last, after a lot of palaver, they wrote out a paper saying as they were willing for im to ave their money and give it to em bit by bit, till they went to sea agin.
Anybody but Ginger Dick and Peter Russet or a fool would ha known better than to do such a thing, but old Isaac ad got such a oily tongue and seemed so fair-minded about wot e called moderate drinking that they never thought wot they was letting themselves in for, and when they took their payclose on sixteen pounds eachthey put the odd change in their pockets and anded the rest over to him.
The first day they was as pleased as Punch. Old Isaac got a nice, respectable bedroom for them all, and arter theyd ad a few drinks they humoured im by aving a nice ot cup o tea, and then goin off with im to see a magic-lantern performance.
It was called The Drunkards Downfall, and it begun with a young man going into a nice-looking pub and being served by a nice-looking barmaid with a glass of ale. Then it got on to arf pints and pints in the next picture, and arter Ginger ad seen the lost young man put away six pints in about arf a minute, e got such a raging thirst on im that e couldnt sit still, and e whispered to Peter Russet to go out with im.
Youll lose the best of it if you go now, ses old Isaac, in a whisper; in the next picture theres little frogs and devils sitting on the edge of the pot as e goes to drink.
Ginger Dick got up and nodded to Peter.
Arter that e kills is mother with a razor, ses old Isaac, pleading with im and olding on to is coat.
Ginger Dick sat down agin, and when the murder was over e said it made im feel faint, and im and Peter Russet went out for a breath of fresh air. They ad three at the first place, and then they moved on to another and forgot all about Isaac and the dissolving views until ten oclock, when Ginger, who ad been very liberal to some friends ed made in a pub, found ed spent is last penny.
This comes o listening to a parcel o teetotalers, e ses, very cross, when e found that Peter ad spent all is money too. Here we are just beginning the evening and not a farthing in our pockets.
They went off ome in a very bad temper. Old Isaac was asleep in is bed, and when they woke im up and said that they was going to take charge of their money themselves e kept dropping off to sleep agin and snoring that ard they could scarcely hear themselves speak. Then Peter tipped Ginger a wink and pointed to Isaacs trousers, which were anging over the foot of the bed.
Ginger Dick smiled and took em up softly, and Peter Russet smiled too; but e wasnt best pleased to see old Isaac a-smiling in is sleep, as though e was aving amusing dreams. All Ginger found was a ha-penny, a bunch o keys, and a cough lozenge. In the coat and waistcoat e found a few tracks folded up, a broken pen-knife, a ball of string, and some other rubbish. Then e set down on the foot o their bed and made eyes over at Peter.
Wake im up agin, ses Peter, in a temper.
Ginger Dick got up and, leaning over the bed, took old Isaac by the shoulders and shook im as if ed been a bottle o medicine.
Time to get up, lads? ses old Isaac, putting one leg out o bed.
No, it aint, ses Ginger, very rough; we aint been to bed yet. We want our money back.
Isaac drew is leg back into bed agin. Goo night, he ses, and fell fast asleep.
Hes shamming, thats wot e is, ses Peter Russet. Lets look for it. It must be in the room somewhere.
They turned the room upside down pretty near, and then Ginger Dick struck a match and looked up the chimney, but all e found was that it adnt been swept for about twenty years, and wot with temper and soot e looked so frightful that Peter was arf afraid of im.
Ive ad enough of this, ses Ginger, running up to the bed and olding his sooty fist under old Isaacs nose. Now, then, wheres that money? If you dont give us our money, our ard-earned money, inside o two minutes, Ill break every bone in your body.
This is wot comes o trying to do you a favour, Ginger, ses the old man, reproachfully.
Dont talk to me, ses Ginger, cos I wont have it. Come on; where is it?
Old Isaac looked at im, and then he gave a sigh and got up and put on is boots and is trousers.
I thought I should ave a little trouble with you, he ses, slowly, but I was prepared for that.
Youll ave more if you dont hurry up, ses Ginger, glaring at im.
We dont want to urt you, Isaac, ses Peter Russet, we ony want our money.
I know that, ses Isaac; you keep still, Peter, and see fair-play, and Ill knock you silly arterwards.
He pushed some o the things into a corner and then e spat on is ands, and began to prance up and down, and duck is ead about and hit the air in a way that surprised em.
I aint hit a man for five years, e ses, still dancing up and down fightings sinful except in a good causebut afore I got a new art, Ginger, Id lick three men like you afore breakfast, just to git up a appetite.
Look, ere, ses Ginger; youre an old man and I dont want to urt you; tell us where our money is, our ard-earned money, and I wont lay a finger on you.
Im taking care of it for you, ses the old man.
Ginger Dick gave a howl and rushed at him, and the next moment Isaacs fist shot out and give im a drive that sent im spinning across the room until e fell in a heap in the fireplace. It was like a kick from a orse, and Peter looked very serious as e picked im up and dusted im down.
You should keep your eye on is fist, he ses, sharply.
It was a silly thing to say, seeing that that was just wot ad appened, and Ginger told im wot ed do for im when ed finished with Isaac. He went at the old man agin, but e never ad a chance, and in about three minutes e was very glad to let Peter elp im into bed.
Its your turn to fight him now, Peter, he ses. Just move this piller so as I can see.
Come on, lad, ses the old man.
Peter shook is ead. I have no wish to urt you, Isaac, he ses, kindly; excitement like fighting is dangerous for an old man. Give us our money and well say no more about it.
No, my lads, ses Isaac. Ive undertook to take charge o this money and Im going to do it; and I ope that when we all sign on aboard the Planet therell be a matter o twelve pounds each left. Now, I dont want to be arsh with you, but Im going back to bed, and if I ave to get up and dress agin youll wish yourselves dead.
He went back to bed agin, and Peter, taking no notice of Ginger Dick, who kept calling im a coward, got into bed alongside of Ginger and fell fast asleep.
They all ad breakfast in a coffee-shop next morning, and arter it was over Ginger, who adnt spoke a word till then, said that e and Peter Russet wanted a little money to go on with. He said they preferred to get their meals alone, as Isaacs face took their appetite away.
Very good, ses the old man. I dont want to force my company on nobody, and after thinking ard for a minute or two he put is and in is trouser-pocket and gave them eighteen-pence each.
Thats your days allowance, ses Isaac, and its plenty. Theres ninepence for your dinner, fourpence for your tea, and twopence for a crust o bread and cheese for supper. And if you must go and drown yourselves in beer, that leaves threepence each to go and do it with.
Ginger tried to speak to im, but is feelings was too much for im, and e couldnt. Then Peter Russet swallered something e was going to say and asked old Isaac very perlite to make it a quid for im because he was going down to Colchester to see is mother, and e didnt want to go empty-anded.
Youre a good son, Peter, ses old Isaac, and I wish there was more like you. Ill come down with you, if you like; Ive got nothing to do.
Peter said it was very kind of im, but ed sooner go alone, owing to his mother being very shy afore strangers.
Well, Ill come down to the station and take a ticket for you, ses Isaac.
Then Peter lost is temper altogether, and banged is fist on the table and smashed arf the crockery. He asked Isaac whether e thought im and Ginger Dick was a couple o children, and e said if e didnt give em all their money right away ed give im in charge to the first policeman they met.
Im afraid you didnt intend for to go and see your mother, Peter, ses the old man.
Look ere, ses Peter, are you going to give us that money?
Not if you went down on your bended knees, ses the old man.
Very good, says Peter, getting up and walking outside; then come along o me to find a police-man.
Im agreeable, ses Isaac, but Ive got the paper you signed.
Peter said e didnt care twopence if ed got fifty papers, and they walked along looking for a police-man, which was a very unusual thing for them to do.
I ope for your sakes it wont be the same police-man that you and Ginger Dick set on in Gun Alley the night afore you shipped on the Planet, ses Isaac, pursing up is lips.
Taint likely to be, ses Peter, beginning to wish e adnt been so free with is tongue.
Still, if I tell im, I dessay hell soon find im, ses Isaac; theres one coming along now, Peter; shall I stop im?
Peter Russet looked at im and then he looked at Ginger, and they walked by grinding their teeth. They stuck to Isaac all day, trying to get their money out of im, and the names they called im was a surprise even to themselves. And at night they turned the room topsy-turvy agin looking for their money and ad more unpleasantness when they wanted Isaac to get up and let em search the bed.
They ad breakfast together agin next morning and Ginger tried another tack. He spoke quite nice to Isaac, and ad three large cups o tea to show im ow e was beginning to like it, and when the old man gave em their eighteen-pences e smiled and said ed like a few shillings extra that day.
Itll be all right, Isaac, he ses. I wouldnt ave a drink if you asked me to. Dont seem to care for it now. I was saying so to you ony last night, wasnt I, Peter?
You was, ses Peter; so was I.
Then Ive done you good, Ginger, ses Isaac, clapping im on the back.
You ave, ses Ginger, speaking between his teeth, and I thank you for it. I dont want drink; but I thought o going to a music-all this evening.
Going to wot? ses old Isaac, drawing imself up and looking very shocked.
A music-all, ses Ginger, trying to keep is temper.
A music-all, ses Isaac; why, its worse than a pub, Ginger. I should be a very poor friend o yours if I let you go thereI couldnt think of it.
Wots it got to do with you, you gray-whiskered serpent? screams Ginger, arf mad with rage. Why dont you leave us alone? Why dont you mind your own business? Its our money.
Isaac tried to talk to im, but e wouldnt listen, and he made such a fuss that at last the coffee-shop keeper told im to go outside. Peter follered im out, and being very upset they went and spent their days allowance in the first hour, and then they walked about the streets quarrelling as to the death theyd like old Isaac to ave when is time came.
They went back to their lodgings at dinner-time; but there was no sign of the old man, and, being ungry and thirsty, they took all their spare clothes to a pawnbroker and got enough money to go on with. Just to show their independence they went to two music-ails, and with a sort of idea that they was doing Isaac a bad turn they spent every farthing afore they got ome, and sat up in bed telling im about the spree theyd ad.
At five oclock in the morning Peter woke up and saw, to is surprise, that Ginger Dick was dressed and carefully folding up old Isaacs clothes. At first e thought that Ginger ad gone mad, taking care of the old mans things like that, but afore e could speak Ginger noticed that e was awake, and stepped over to im and whispered to im to dress without making a noise. Peter did as e was told, and, more puzzled than ever, saw Ginger make up all the old mans clothes in a bundle and creep out of the room on tiptoe.
Going to ide is clothes? e ses.
Yes, ses Ginger, leading the way downstairs; in a pawnshop. Well make the old man pay for to-days amusements.
Then Peter see the joke and e begun to laugh so ard that Ginger ad to threaten to knock is head off to quiet im. Ginger laughed imself when they got outside, and at last, arter walking about till the shops opened, they got into a pawnbrokers and put old Isaacs clothes up for fifteen shillings.
First thing they did was to ave a good breakfast, and after that they came out smiling all over and began to spend a appy day. Ginger was in tip-top spirits and so was Peter, and the idea that old Isaac was in bed while they was drinking is clothes pleased them more than anything. Twice that evening policemen spoke to Ginger for dancing on the pavement, and by the time the money was spent it took Peter all is time to get im ome.