W. W. Jacobs
Light Freights
AN ODD FREAK
Speaking o money, said the night-watchman thoughtfully, as he selected an empty soapbox on the wharf for a seat, the whole world would be different if we all ad more of it. It would be a brighter and a appier place for everybody.
He broke off to open a small brass tobacco-box and place a little quid of tobacco tenderly into a pouch in his left cheek, critically observing at the same time the efforts of a somewhat large steamer to get alongside the next wharf without blocking up more than three parts of the river. He watched it as though the entire operation depended upon his attention, and, the steamer fast, he turned his eyes back again and resumed his theme.
Of course its the being short that sharpens people, he admitted thoughtfully; the sharpest man I ever knew never ad a hapenny in is pocket, and the ways e had o getting other chaps to pay for is beer would ha made is fortin at the law if ed only ad the eddication. Playful little chap e was. Ive seen men wot didnt know im stand im a pot o beer and then foller im up the road to see im knock down a policeman as ed promised. Theyd foller im to the fust policeman e met, an then ed point them out and say they were goin to half kill im, an the policeman ud just stroll up an ask em wot they were anging about for, but I never eard of a chap telling im. They used to go away struck all of a eap. He died in the accident ward of the London Horse-pittle, poor chap.
He shook his head thoughtfully, and ignoring the statement of a watchman at the next wharf that it was a fine evening, shifted his quid and laughed rumblingly.
The funniest way o raising the wind I ever eard of, he said in explanation, was one that appened about fifteen years ago. Id just taken my discharge as A.B. from the North Star, trading between here and the Australian ports, and the men wot the thing appened to was shipmates o mine, although ony firemen.
I knows its a true story, becos I was in it a little bit myself, and the other part I ad from all of em, and besides, they didnt see anything funny in it at all, or anything out of the way. It seemed to them quite a easy way o making money, and I dessay if it ad come off all right I should have thought so too.
In about a week arter we was paid off at the Albert Docks these chaps was all cleaned out, and they was all in despair, with a thirst wot wasnt half quenched and a spree wot was ony in a manner o speaking just begun, and at the end of that time they came round to a room wot I ad, to see wot could be done. There was four of em in all: old Sam Small, Ginger Dick, Peter Russet, and a orphan nevy of Sams whose father and mother was dead. The mother ad been alf nigger an alf Malay when she was living, and Sam was always pertickler careful to point out that his nevy took arter er. It was enough to make the pore woman turn in er grave to say so, but Sam used to say that e owed it to is brother to explain.
Wots to be done? ses Peter Russet, arter theyd all said wot miserable chaps they was, an ow badly sailor-men was paid. Were all going to sign on in the Lands End, but she doesnt sail for a fortnight; wots to be done in the meantime for to live?
Theres your watch, Peter, ses old Sam, dreamy-like, and theres Gingers ring. Its a good job you kep that ring, Ginger. Were all in the same boat, mates, an I ony wish as Id got something for the general good. Its aving an orphan nevy wots kep me pore.
Stow it, ses the nevy, short-like.
Everythings agin us, ses old Sam. Theres them four green parrots I brought from Brazil, all dead.
So are my two monkeys, ses Peter Russet, shaking is ead; they used to sleep with me, too.
They all shook their eads then, and Russet took Sam up very sharp for saying that praps if he adnt slep with the monkeys they wouldnt ha died. He said if Sam knew more about monkeys than wot e did, why didnt e put is money in them instead o green parrots wot pulled their feathers out and died of cold.
Talking about monkeys, ses Ginger Dick, interrupting old Sam suddenly, wot about young Beauty here?
Well, wot about him? ses the nevy, in a nasty sort o way.
Wy, es worth forty monkeys an millions o green parrots, ses Ginger, starting up; an here e is a-wasting of is opportunities, going about dressed like a Christian. Open your mouth, Beauty, and stick your tongue out and roll your eyes a bit.
Wy not leave well alone, Ginger? ses Russet; and I thought so too. Young Beauty was quite enough for me without that.
Ter blige me, ses Ginger, anxiously, just make yourself as ugly as wot you can, Beauty.
Leave im alone, ses old Sam, as his nevy snarled at em. You aint everybodys money yourself, Ginger.
I tell you, mates, ses Ginger, speaking very slow and solemn, theres a fortin in im. I was lookin at im just now, trying to think who e reminded me of. At fust I thought it was that big stuffed monkey we saw at Melbourne, then I suddenly remembered it was a wild man of Borneo I see when I was a kid up in Sunderland. When I say e was a andsome, good-arted looking gentleman alongside o you, Beauty, do you begin to get my meaning?
Wots the idea, Ginger? ses Sam, getting up to lend me and Russet a and with is nevy.
My idea is this, ses Ginger; take is cloes off im and dress im up in that there winder-blind, or something o the kind; tie im up with a bit o line, and take im round to Ted Reddish in the Ighway and sell im for a undered quid as a wild man of Borneo.
Wot? screams Beauty, in an awful voice. Let go, Peter; let go, dye hear?
Old your noise, Beauty, while your elders is speaking, ses is uncle, and I could see e was struck with the idea.
You jest try dressing me up in a winder-blind, ses his nevy, half-crying with rage.
Listen to reason, Beauty, ses Ginger; youll ave your share of the tin; itll only be for a day or two, and then when weve cleared out you can make your escape, and therell be twenty-five pounds for each of us.
Ow do you make that out, Ginger? ses Sam, in a cold voice.
Fours into a undered, ses Ginger.
Ho, ses Sam. Ho, indeed. I wasnt aweer that e was your nevy, Ginger.
Share and share alike. ses Russet. Its a very good plan o yours, Ginger.
Ginger holds is ead up and looks at im ard.
I thought o the plan, e ses, speaking very slow and deliberate. Sams is uncle, and es the wild man. Threes into a undered go
You neednt bother your fat ead adding up sums, Ginger, ses Russet, very polite. Im going to ave my share; else Ill split to Ted Reddish.
None of em said a word about me: two of em was sitting on my bed; Ginger was using a ankerchief o mine wot e found in the fireplace, and Peter Russet ad ad a drink out o the jug on my washstand, and yet they never even mentioned me. Thats firemen all over, and thats ow it is they get themselves so disliked.
It took em best part of an our to talk round young Beauty, an the langwidge they see fit to use made me thankful to think that the parrots didnt live to larn it.
You never saw anything like Beauty when they ad finished with im. If e was bad in is cloes, e was a perfeck horror without em. Ginger Dick faked im up beautiful, but there was no pleasing im. Fust he found fault with the winder-blind, which e said didnt fit; then e grumbled about going bare-foot, then e wanted somethink to ide is legs, which was natural considering the shape of em. Ginger Dick nearly lost is temper with im, and it was all old Sam could do to stop himself from casting im off forever. He was finished at last, and arter Peter Russet ad slipped downstairs and found a bit o broken clothes-prop in the yard, and ed been shown ow to lean on it and make a noise, Ginger said as ow if Ted Reddish got im for a undered pounds ed get im a bargain.
We must ave a cab, ses old Sam.
Cab? ses Ginger. What for?
We should ave half Wapping following us, ses Sam. Go out and put your ring up, Ginger, and fetch a cab.
Ginger started grumbling, but he went, and presently came back with the cab and the money, and they all went downstairs leading the wild man by a bit o line. They only met one party coming up, and e seemed to remember somethink ed forgotten wot ought to be fetched at once.
Ginger went out fust and opened the cab-door, and then stood there waiting becos at the last moment the wild man said the winder-blind was slipping down. They got im out at last, but before e could get in the cab was going up the road at ten miles an hour, with Ginger anging on to the door calling to it to stop.
It came back at about a mile an a alf an hour, an the remarks of the cabman was eggstrordinary. Even when he got back e wouldnt start till ed got double fare paid in advance; but they got in at last and drove off.
There was a fine scene at Ted Reddishs door. Ginger said that if there was a bit of a struggle it would be a good advertisement for Ted Reddish, and they might praps get more than a undered, and all the three of em could do, they couldnt get the wild man out o that cab, and the cabman was hopping about arf crazy. Every now and then theyd get the wild man arf out, and then hed get in agin and snarl. E didnt seem to know when to leave off, and Ginger and the others got almost as sick of it as the cabman. It must ha taken two years wear out o that cab, but they got im out at last, and Reddishs door being open to see what the row was about, they went straight in.
Wots all this? ses Reddish, who was a tall, thin man, with a dark moustache.
Its a wild man o Borneo, ses Ginger, panting; we caught im in a forest in Brazil, an weve come ere to give you the fust offer.
Ted Reddish was so surprised e couldnt speak at fust. The wild man seemed to take is breath away, and e looked in a elpless kind o way at is wife, whod just come down. She was a nice-lookin woman, fat, with a lot o yaller hair, and she smiled at em as though shed known em all their lives.
Come into the parlour, she ses, kindly, just as Ted was beginning to get is breath.
They followed em in, and the wild man was just going to make hisself comfortable in a easy-chair, when Ginger give im a look, an e curled up on the earthrug instead.
E aint a very fine specimen, ses Ted Reddish, at last.
Its the red side-whiskers I dont like, ses his wife. Besides, who ever eard of a wild man in a collar an necktie?
Youve got hold o the wrong one, ses Ted Reddish, afore Ginger Dick could speak up for hisself.
Oh, I beg your pardin, ses Mrs. Reddish to Ginger, very polite. I thought it was funny a wild man should be wearing a collar. Its my mistake. Thats the wild man, I spose, on the earthrug?
Thats im, mum, ses old Sam, very short.
He dont look wild enough, ses Reddish.
No; es much too tame, ses is wife, shaking her yaller curls.
The chaps all looked at each other then, and the wild man began to think it was time he did somethink; and the nearest thing andy being Gingers leg, e put is teeth into it. Anybody might ha thought Ginger was the wild man then, the way e went on, and Mrs. Reddish said that even if he so far forgot hisself as to use sich langwidge afore er, e oughtnt to before a poor eathen animal.
How much do you want for im? ses Ted Reddish, arter Ginger ad got is leg away, and taken it to the winder to look at it.
One undered pounds, ses old Sam.
Ted Reddish looked at is wife, and they both larfed as though theyd never leave orf.
Why, the market price o the best wild men is only thirty shillings, ses Reddish, wiping is eyes. Ill give you a pound for im.
Old Sam looked at Russet, and Russet looked at Ginger, and then they all larfed.
Well, theres no getting over you, I can see that, ses Reddish, at last. Is he strong?
Strong? Strong aint the word for it, ses Sam.
Bring im to the back and let im ave a wrestle with one o the brown bears, Ted, ses is wife.
Ed kill it, ses old Sam, hastily.
Never mind, ses Reddish, getting up; brown bears is cheap enough.
They all got up then, none of em knowing wot to do, except the wild man, that is, and he got is arms tight round the leg o the table.
Well, ses Ginger, well be pleased for im to wrestle with the bear, but we must ave the un-dered quid fust, in case e injures isself a little.
Ted Reddish looked ard at im, and then he looked at is wife agin.
Ill just go outside and talk it over with the missus, he ses, at last, and they both got up and went out.
Its all right, ses old Sam, winking at Ginger.
Fair cop, ses Ginger, who was still rubbing his leg. I told you it would be, but theres no need for Beauty to overdo it. He nearly ad a bit out o my leg.
Aright, ses the wild man, shifting along the earthrug to where Peter was sitting; but it dont do for me to be too tame. You eard wot she said.
How are you feeling, old man? ses Peter, in a kind voice, as e tucked is legs away under is chair.
Gurr, ses the wild man, going on all fours to the back of the chair, gurwugwug
Dont play the fool, Beauty, ses Peter, with a uneasy smile, as he twisted is ead round. Call im off, Sam.
Gurr, ses the wild man, sniffing at is legs; gurr.
Easy on, Beauty, its no good biting im till they come back, ses old Sam.
I wont be bit at all, ses Russet, very sharp, mind that, Sam. Its my belief Beautys gone mad.
Hush, ses Ginger, and they eard Ted Reddish and is wife coming back. They came in, sat down agin, and after Ted ad ad another good look at the wild man and prodded im all over an looked at is teeth, he spoke up and said theyd decided to give a undered pun for im at the end o three days if e suited.
I spose, ses Sam, looking at the others, that we could ave a bit of it now to go on with?
Its agin our way of doing business, ses Ted Reddish. If it ud been a lion or a tiger we could, but wild men we never do.