There might you learn, if of two facts so instructive you were before unconscious, that
Ben the toper loved his bottle,Charley only loved the lasses!
When of these and various other poetical effusions you were somewhat wearied, the literary fragments in bumbler prose afforded you equal edification and delight. There might you fully enlighten yourself as to the Strange and Wonderful News from Kensington, being a most full and true Relation how a Maid there is supposed to have been carried away by an Evil Spirit on Wednesday, 15th of April last, about Midnight. There, too, no less interesting and no less veracious, was that uncommon anecdote touching the chief of many-throned powers entitled The Divell of Mascon; or, the true Relation of the Chief Things which an Unclean Spirit did and said at Mascon, in Burgundy, in the house of one Mr. Francis Pereaud: now made English by one that hath a Particular Knowledge of the Truth of the Story.
Nor were these materials for Satanic history the only prosaic and faithful chronicles which the bibliothecal blanket afforded. Equally wonderful, and equally indisputable, was the account of a young lady, the daughter of a duke, with three legs and the face of a porcupine. Nor less so The Awful Judgment of God upon Swearers, as exemplified in the case of John Stiles, who Dropped down dead after swearing a Great Oath; and on stripping the unhappy man they found Swear not at all written on the tail of his shirt!
Twice had Mrs. Lobkins heaved a long sigh, as her eyes turned from Paul to the tranquil countenance of Dummie Dunnaker, and now, re-settling herself in her chair, as a motherly anxiety gathered over her visage,
Paul, my ben cull, said she, what gibberish hast got there?
Turpin, the great highwayman! answered the young student, without lifting his eyes from the page, through which he was spelling his instructive way.
Oh! he bes a chip of the right block, dame! said Mr. Dunnaker, as he applied his pipe to an illumined piece of paper. Hell ride a oss foaled by a hacorn yet, I varrants!
To this prophecy the dame replied only with a look of indignation; and rocking herself to and fro in her huge chair, she remained for some moments in silent thought. At last she again wistfully eyed the hopeful boy, and calling him to her side, communicated some order, in a dejected whisper. Paul, on receiving it, disappeared behind the blanket, and presently returned with a bottle and a wineglass. With an abstracted gesture, and an air that betokened continued meditation, the good dame took the inspiring cordial from the hand of her youthful cupbearer,
And ere a man had power to say Behold! The jaws of Lobkins had devoured it up: So quick bright things come to confusion!
The nectarean beverage seemed to operate cheerily on the matrons system; and placing her hand on the boys curly head, she said (like Andromache, dakruon gelasasa, or, as Scott hath it, With a smile on her cheek, but a tear in her eye),
Paul, thy heart be good, thy heart be good; thou didst not spill a drop of the tape! Tell me, my honey, why didst thou lick Tom Tobyson?
Because, answered Paul, he said as how you ought to have been hanged long ago.
Tom Tobyson is a good-for-nought, returned the dame, and deserves to shove the tumbler [Be whipped at the carts tail]; I but oh, my child, be not too venturesome in taking up the sticks for a blowen,it has been the ruin of many a man afore you; and when two men goes to quarrel for a oman, they doesnt know the natur of the thing they quarrels about. Mind thy latter end, Paul, and reverence the old, without axing what they has been before they passed into the wale of years. Thou mayst get me my pipe, Paul,it is upstairs, under the pillow.
While Paul was accomplishing this errand, the lady of the Mug, fixing her eyes upon Mr. Dunnaker, said, Dummie, Dummie, if little Paul should come to be scragged!
Whish! muttered Dummie, glancing over his shoulder at MacGrawler; mayhap that gemman Here his voice became scarcely audible even to Mrs. Lobkins; but his whisper seemed to imply an insinuation that the illustrious editor of The Asinaeum might be either an informer, or one of those heroes on whom an informer subsists.
Mrs. Lobkinss answer, couched in the same key, appeared to satisfy Dunnaker, for with a look of great contempt he chucked up his head and said, Oho! that be all, be it!
Paul here reappeared with the pipe; and the dame, having filled the tube, leaned forward, and lighted the Virginian weed from the blower of Mr. Dunnaker. As in this interesting occupation the heads of the hostess and the guest approached each other, the glowing light playing cheerily on the countenance of each, there was an honest simplicity in the picture that would have merited the racy and vigorous genius of a Cruikshank. As soon as the Promethean spark had been fully communicated to the ladys tube, Mrs. Lobkins, still possessed by the gloomy idea she had conjured up, repeated,
Ah, Dummie, if little Paul should be scragged!
Dummie, withdrawing the pipe from his mouth, heaved a sympathizing puff, but remained silent; and Mrs. Lobkins, turning to Paul, who stood with mouth open and ears erect at this boding ejaculation, said,
Dost think, Paul, theyd have the heart to hang thee?
I think theyd have the rope, dame! returned the youth.
But you need not go for to run your neck into the noose! said the matron; and then, inspired by the spirit of moralizing, she turned round to the youth, and gazing upon his attentive countenance, accosted him with the following admonitions:
Mind thy kittychism, child, and reverence old age. Never steal, specially when any one be in the way. Never go snacks with them as be older than you,cause why? The older a cove be, the more he cares for hisself, and the less for his partner. At twenty, we diddles the public; at forty, we diddles our cronies! Be modest, Paul, and stick to your sitivation in life. Go not with fine tobymen, who burn out like a candle wot has a thief in it,all flare, and gone in a whiffy! Leave liquor to the aged, who cant do without it. Tape often proves a halter, and there bes no ruin like blue ruin! Read your Bible, and talk like a pious un. People goes more by your words than your actions. If you wants what is not your own, try and do without it; and if you cannot do without it, take it away by insinivation, not bluster. They as swindles does more and risks less than they as robs; and if you cheats toppingly, you may laugh at the topping cheat [Gallows]. And now go play.
Paul seized his hat, but lingered; and the dame, guessing at the signification of the pause, drew forth and placed in the boys hand the sum of five halfpence and one farthing.
There, boy, quoth she, and she stroked his head fondly when she spoke, you does right not to play for nothing,its loss of time; but play with those as be less than yoursel, and then you can go for to beat em if they says you go for to cheat!
Paul vanished; and the dame, laying her hand on Dummies shoulder, said,
There be nothing like a friend in need, Dummie; and somehow or other, I thinks as how you knows more of the horigin of that ere lad than any of us!
Me, dame! exclaimed Dummie, with a broad gaze of astonishment.
Ah, you! you knows as how the mother saw more of you just afore she died than she did of ere one of us. Noar, now, noar, now! Tell us all about un. Did she steal un, think ye?
Paul vanished; and the dame, laying her hand on Dummies shoulder, said,
There be nothing like a friend in need, Dummie; and somehow or other, I thinks as how you knows more of the horigin of that ere lad than any of us!
Me, dame! exclaimed Dummie, with a broad gaze of astonishment.
Ah, you! you knows as how the mother saw more of you just afore she died than she did of ere one of us. Noar, now, noar, now! Tell us all about un. Did she steal un, think ye?
Lauk, Mother Margery, dost think I knows? Vot put such a crotchet in your ead?
Well! said the dame, with a disappointed sigh, I always thought as how you were more knowing about it than you owns. Dear, dear, I shall never forgit the night when Judith brought the poor cretur here,you knows she had been some months in my house afore ever I seed the urchin; and when she brought it, she looked so pale and ghostly that I had not the heart to say a word, so I stared at the brat, and it stretched out its wee little hands to me. And the mother frowned at it, and throwed it into my lap.
Ah! she was a hawful voman, that ere! said Dummie, shaking his head. But howsomever, the hurchin fell into good ands; for I bes sure you as been a better mother to un than the raal un!
I was always a fool about childer, rejoined Mrs. Lobkins; and I thinks as how little Paul was sent to be a comfort to my latter end! Fill the glass, Dummie.
I as heard as ow Judith was once blowen to a great lord! said Dummie.
Like enough! returned Mrs. Lobkins,like enough! She was always a favourite of mine, for she had a spuret [spirit] as big as my own; and she paid her rint like a decent body, for all she was out of her sinses, or nation like it.
Ay, I knows as how you liked her,cause vy? T is not your vay to let a room to a voman! You says as how t is not respectable, and you only likes men to wisit the Mug!
And I doesnt like all of them as comes here! answered the dame,specially for Pauls sake; but what can a lone oman do? Manys the gentleman highwayman wot comes here, whose money is as good as the clerks of the parish. And when a bob [shilling] is in my hand, what does it sinnify whose hand it was in afore?
Thats what I call being sinsible and practical, said Dummie, approvingly. And after all, though you as a mixture like, I does not know a halehouse where a cove is better entertained, nor meets of a Sunday more illegant company, than the Mug!
Here the conversation, which the reader must know had been sustained in a key inaudible to a third person, received a check from Mr. Peter MacGrawler, who, having finished his revery and his tankard, now rose to depart. First, however, approaching Mrs. Lobkins, he observed that he had gone on credit for some days, and demanded the amount of his bill. Glancing towards certain chalk hieroglyphics inscribed on the wall at the other side of the fireplace, the dame answered that Mr. MacGrawler was indebted to her for the sum of one shilling and ninepence three farthings.
After a short preparatory search in his waistcoat pockets, the critic hunted into one corner a solitary half-crown, and having caught it between his finger and thumb, he gave it to Mrs. Lobkins and requested change.
As soon as the matron felt her hand anointed with what has been called by some ingenious Johnson of St. Giless the oil of palms, her countenance softened into a complacent smile; and when she gave the required change to Mr. MacGrawler, she graciously hoped as how he would recommend the Mug to the public.
That you may be sure of, said the editor of The Asinaeum. There is not a place where I am so much at home.
With that the learned Scotsman buttoned his coat and went his way.
How spiteful the world be! said Mrs. Lobkins, after a pause, specially if a oman keeps a fashionable sort of a public! When Judith died, Joe, the dogs-meat man, said I war all the better for it, and that she left I a treasure to bring up the urchin. One would think a thumper makes a man richer,cause why? Every man thumps! I got nothing more than a watch and ten guineas when Judy died, and sure that scarce paid for the burrel [burial].
You forgits the two quids [Guineas] I giv you for the hold box of rags,much of a treasure I found there! said Dummie, with sycophantic archness.
Ay, cried the dame, laughing, I fancies you war not pleased with the bargain. I thought you war too old a ragmerchant to be so free with the blunt; howsomever, I supposes it war the tinsel petticoat as took you in!
As it has mony a viser man than the like of I, rejoined Dummie, who to his various secret professions added the ostensible one of a rag-merchant and dealer in broken glass.
The recollection of her good bargain in the box of rags opened our landladys heart.
Drink, Dummie, said she, good-humouredly,drink; I scorns to score lush to a friend.
Dummie expressed his gratitude, refilled his glass, and the hospitable matron, knocking out from her pipe the dying ashes, thus proceeded:
You sees, Dummie, though I often beats the boy, I loves him as much as if I war his raal mother,I wants to make him an honour to his country, and an ixciption to my family!
Who all flashed their ivories at Surgeons Hall! added the metaphorical Dummie.
True! said the lady; they died game, and I be nt ashamed of em. But I owes a duty to Pauls mother, and I wants Paul to have a long life. I would send him to school, but you knows as how the boys only corrupt one another. And so, I should like to meet with some decent man, as a tutor, to teach the lad Latin and vartue!
My eyes! cried Dummie; aghast at the grandeur of this desire.
The boy is cute enough, and he loves reading, continued the dame; but I does not think the books he gets hold of will teach him the way to grow old.
And ow came he to read, anyhows?
Ranting Rob, the strolling player, taught him his letters, and said hed a deal of janius.
And why should not Ranting Rob tache the boy Latin and vartue?
Cause Ranting Rob, poor fellow, was lagged [Transported for burglary] for doing a panny! answered the dame, despondently.
There was a long silence; it was broken by Mr. Dummie. Slapping his thigh with the gesticulatory vehemence of a Ugo Foscolo, that gentleman exclaimed,
I as it,I as thought of a tutor for leetle Paul!
Whos that? You quite frightens me; you as no marcy on my narves, said the dame, fretfully.
Vy, it be the gemman vot writes, said Dummie, putting his finger to his nose,the gemman vot paid you so flashly!
What! the Scotch gemman?
The werry same! returned Dummie.
The dame turned in her chair and refilled her pipe. It was evident from her manner that Mr. Dunnakers suggestion had made an impression on her. But she recognized two doubts as to its feasibility: one, whether the gentleman proposed would be adequate to the task; the other, whether he would be willing to undertake it.
In the midst of her meditations on this matter, the dame was interrupted by the entrance of certain claimants on her hospitality; and Dummie soon after taking his leave, the suspense of Mrs. Lobkinss mind touching the education of little Paul remained the whole of that day and night utterly unrelieved.