DEMOS. Go, fetch me your oracles, that the Paphlagonian may hear them.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Willingly.
DEMOS. And you yours.
CLEON. I run.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I run too; nothing could suit me better!
CHORUS. Oh! happy day for us and for our children, if Cleon perish. Yet just now I heard some old cross-grained pleaders on the market-place who hold not this opinion discoursing together. Said they, "If Cleon had not had the power we should have lacked two most useful tools, the pestle and the soup-ladle."109 You also know what a pig's education he has had; his school-fellows can recall that he only liked the Dorian style and would study no other; his music-master in displeasure sent him away, saying: "This youth in matters of harmony, will only learn the Dorian style because 'tis akin to bribery."110
CLEON. There, behold and look at this heap; and yet I do not bring all.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ugh! I pant and puff under the weight and yet I do not bring all.
DEMOS. What are these?
CLEON. Oracles.
DEMOS. All these?
CLEON. Does that astonish you? Why, I have another whole boxful of them.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I the whole of my attics and two rooms besides.
DEMOS. Come, let us see, whose are these oracles?
CLEON. Mine are those of Bacis.111
DEMOS (to the Sausage-seller). And whose are yours?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Glanis's, the elder brother of Bacis.112
DEMOS. And of what do they speak?
CLEON. Of Athens, of Pylos, of you, of me, of all.
DEMOS. And yours?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Of Athens, of lentils, of Lacedaemonians, of fresh mackerel, of scoundrelly flour-sellers, of you, of me. Ah! ha! now let him gnaw his own penis with chagrin!
DEMOS. Come, read them out to me and especially that one I like so much, which says that I shall become an eagle and soar among the clouds.
CLEON. Then listen and be attentive! "Son of Erectheus,113 understand the meaning of the words, which the sacred tripods set resounding in the sanctuary of Apollo. Preserve the sacred dog with the jagged teeth, that barks and howls in your defence; he will ensure you a salary and, if he fails, will perish as the victim of the swarms of jays that hunt him down with their screams."
DEMOS. By Demeter! I do not understand a word of it. What connection is there between Erectheus, the jays and the dog?
CLEON. 'Tis I who am the dog, since I bark in your defence. Well! Phoebus commands you to keep and cherish your dog.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Tis not so spoken by the god; this dog seems to me to gnaw at the oracles as others gnaw at doorposts. Here is exactly what Apollo says of the dog.
DEMOS. Let us hear, but I must first pick up a stone; an oracle which speaks of a dog might bite me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. "Son of Erectheus, beware of this Cerberus that enslaves freemen; he fawns upon you with his tail, when you are dining, but he is lying in wait to devour your dishes, should you turn your head an instant; at night he sneaks into the kitchen and, true dog that he is, licks up with one lap of his tongue both your dishes and the islands."114
DEMOS. Faith, Glanis, you speak better than your brother.
CLEON. Condescend again to hear me and then judge: "A woman in sacred Athens will be delivered of a lion, who shall fight for the people against clouds of gnats with the same ferocity as if he were defending his whelps; care ye for him, erect wooden walls around him and towers of brass." Do you understand that?
DEMOS. Not the least bit in the world.
CLEON. The god tells you here to look after me, for, 'tis I who am your lion.
DEMOS. How! You have become a lion and I never knew a thing about it?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. There is only one thing which he purposely keeps from you; he does not say what this wall of wood and brass is in which Apollo warns you to keep and guard him.
DEMOS. What does the god mean, then?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. He advises you to fit him into a five-holed wooden collar.
DEMOS. Hah! I think that oracle is about to be fulfilled.
CLEON. Do not believe it; these are but jealous crows, that caw against me; but never cease to cherish your good hawk; never forget that he brought you those Lacedaemonian fish, loaded with chains.115
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ah! if the Paphlagonian ran any risk that day, 'twas because he was drunk. Oh, too credulous son of Cecrops,116 do you accept that as a glorious exploit? A woman would carry a heavy burden if only a man had put it on her shoulders. But to fight! Go to! he would shit himself, if ever it came to a tussle.
CLEON. Note this Pylos in front of Pylos, of which the oracle speaks, "Pylos is before Pylos."117
DEMOS. How "in front of Pylos"? What does he mean by that?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. He says he will seize upon your bath-tubs.118
DEMOS. Then I shall not bathe to-day.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, as he has stolen our baths. But here is an oracle about the fleet, to which I beg your best attention.
DEMOS. Read on! I am listening; let us first see how we are to pay our sailors.119
SAUSAGE-SELLER. "Son of Aegeus,120 beware of the tricks of the dog-fox,121 he bites from the rear and rushes off at full speed; he is nothing but cunning and perfidy." Do you know what the oracle intends to say?
DEMOS. The dog-fox is Philostratus.122
SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, no, 'tis Cleon; he is incessantly asking you for light vessels to go and collect the tributes, and Apollo advises you not to grant them.
DEMOS. What connection is there between a galley and a dog-fox?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. What connection? Why, 'tis quite plaina galley travels as fast as a dog.
DEMOS. Why, then, does the oracle not say dog instead of dog-fox?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Because he compares the soldiers to young foxes, who, like them, eat the grapes in the fields.
DEMOS. Good! Well then! how am I to pay the wages of my young foxes?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will undertake that, and in three days too! But listen to this further oracle, by which Apollo puts you on your guard against the snares of the greedy fist.
DEMOS. Of what greedy fist?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. The god in this oracle very clearly points to the hand of Cleon, who incessantly holds his out, saying, "Fill it."
CLEON. 'Tis false! Phoebus means the hand of Diopithes.123 But here I have a winged oracle, which promises you shall become an eagle and rule over all the earth.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I have one, which says that you shall be King of the Earth and of the Sea, and that you shall administer justice in Ecbatana, eating fine rich stews the while.
CLEON. I have seen Athené124 in a dream, pouring out full vials of riches and health over the people.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I too have seen the goddess, descending from the Acropolis with an owl perched upon her helmet; on your head she was pouring out ambrosia, on that of Cleon garlic pickle.
DEMOS. Truly Glanis is the wisest of men. I shall yield myself to you; guide me in my old age and educate me anew.
CLEON. Ah! I adjure you! not yet; wait a little; I will promise to distribute barley every day.
DEMOS. Ah! I will not hear another word about barley; you have cheated me too often already, both you and Theophanes.125
CLEON. Well then! you shall have flour-cakes all piping hot.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will give you cakes too, and nice cooked fish; you will only have to eat.
DEMOS. Very well, mind you keep your promises. To whichever of you twain shall treat me best I hand over the reins of state.
CLEON. I will be first.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. No, no, I will.
CHORUS. Demos, you are our all-powerful sovereign lord; all tremble before you, yet you are led by the nose. You love to be flattered and fooled; you listen to the orators with gaping mouth and your mind is led astray.
DEMOS. 'Tis rather you who have no brains, if you think me so foolish as all that; it is with a purpose that I play this idiot's role, for I love to drink the lifelong day, and so it pleases me to keep a thief for my minister. When he has thoroughly gorged himself, then I overthrow and crush him.
CHORUS. What profound wisdom! If it be really so, why! all is for the best. Your ministers, then, are your victims, whom you nourish and feed up expressly in the Pnyx, so that, the day your dinner is ready, you may immolate the fattest and eat him.
DEMOS. Look, see how I play with them, while all the time they think themselves such adepts at cheating me. I have my eye on them when they thieve, but I do not appear to be seeing them; then I thrust a judgment down their throat as it were a feather, and force them to vomit up all they have robbed from me.
CLEON. Oh! the rascal!
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh! the scoundrel!
CLEON. Demos, all is ready these three hours; I await your orders and I burn with desire to load you with benefits.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I ten, twelve, a thousand hours, a long, long while, an infinitely long while.
DEMOS. As for me, 'tis thirty thousand hours that I have been impatient; very long, infinitely long that I have cursed you.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Do you know what you had best do?
DEMOS. If I do not, tell me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Declare the lists open126 and we will contend abreast to determine who shall treat you the best.
DEMOS. Splendid! Draw back in line!127
CLEON. I am ready.
DEMOS. Off you go!
SAUSAGE-SELLER (to Cleon). I shall not let you get to the tape.
DEMOS. What fervent lovers! If I am not to-day the happiest of men, 'tis because I shall be the most disgusted.
CLEON. Look! 'tis I who am the first to bring you a seat.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. And I a table.
CLEON. Hold, here is a cake kneaded of Pylos barley.128
SAUSAGESELLER. Here are crusts, which the ivory hand of the goddess has hallowed.129
DEMOS. Oh! Mighty Athené! How large are your fingers!
CLEON. This is pea-soup, as exquisite as it is fine; 'tis Pallas the victorious goddess at Pylos who crushed the peas herself.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Oh, Demos! the goddess watches over you; she is stretching forth over your head a stew-pan full of broth.
DEMOS. And should we still be dwelling in this city without this protecting stew-pan?
CLEON. Here are some fish, given to you by her who is the terror of our foes.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. The daughter of the mightiest of the gods sends you this meat cooked in its own gravy, along with this dish of tripe and some paunch.
DEMOS. 'Tis to thank me for the Peplos I offered to her; 'tis well.
CLEON. The goddess with the terrible plume invites you to eat this long cake; you will row the harder on it.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Take this also.
DEMOS. And what shall I do with this tripe?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. She sends it you to belly out your galleys, for she is always showing her kindly anxiety for our fleet. Now drink this beverage composed of three parts of water to two of wine.
DEMOS. Ah! what delicious wine, and how well it stands the water.130
SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Twas the goddess who came from the head of Zeus that mixed this liquor with her own hands.
CLEON. Hold, here is a piece of good rich cake.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. But I offer you an entire cake.
CLEON. But you cannot offer him stewed hare as I do.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Ah! great gods! stewed hare! where shall I find it? Oh! brain of mine, devise some trick!
CLEON. Do you see this, poor fellow?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. A fig for that! Here are folk coming to seek me.
CLEON. Who are they?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Envoys, bearing sacks bulging with money.
CLEON. (Hearing money mentioned Clean turns his head, and Agoracritus seizes the opportunity to snatch away the stewed hare.) Where, where, I say?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Bah! What's that to you? Will you not even now let the strangers alone? Demos, do you see this stewed hare which I bring you?
CLEON. Ah! rascal! you have shamelessly robbed me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. You have robbed too, you robbed the Laconians at Pylos.
DEMOS. An you pity me, tell me, how did you get the idea to filch it from him?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. The idea comes from the goddess; the theft is all my own.
CLEON. And I had taken such trouble to catch this hare.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. But 'twas I who had it cooked.
DEMOS (to Cleon). Get you gone! My thanks are only for him who served it.
CLEON. Ah! wretch! have you beaten me in impudence!
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Well then, Demos, say now, who has treated you best, you and your stomach? Decide!
DEMOS. How shall I act here so that the spectators shall approve my judgment?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I will tell you. Without saying anything, go and rummage through my basket, and then through the Paphlagonian's, and see what is in them; that's the best way to judge.
DEMOS. Let us see then, what is there in yours?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Why, 'tis empty, dear little father; I have brought everything to you.
DEMOS. This is a basket devoted to the people.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Now hunt through the Paphlagonian's. Well?
DEMOS. Oh! what a lot of good things! Why! 'tis quite full! Oh! what a huge great part of this cake he kept for himself! He had only cut off the least little tiny piece for me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. But this is what he has always done. Of everything he took, he only gave you the crumbs, and kept the bulk.
DEMOS. Oh! rascal! was this the way you robbed me? And I was loading you with chaplets and gifts!
CLEON. 'Twas for the public weal I robbed.
DEMOS (to Cleon). Give me back that crown;131 I will give it to him.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Return it quick, quick, you gallows-bird.
CLEON. No, for the Pythian oracle has revealed to me the name of him who shall overthrow me.
SAUSAGE-SELLER. And that name was mine, nothing can be clearer.
CLEON. Reply and I shall soon see whether you are indeed the man whom the god intended. Firstly, what school did you attend when a child?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. 'Twas in the kitchens I was taught with cuffs and blows.
CLEON. What's that you say? Ah! this is truly what the oracle said. And what did you learn from the master of exercises?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I learnt to take a false oath without a smile, when I had stolen something.
CLEON. Oh! Phoebus Apollo, god of Lycia! I am undone! And when you had become a man, what trade did you follow?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. I sold sausages and did a bit of fornication.
CLEON. Oh! my god! I am a lost man! Ah! still one slender hope remains. Tell me, was it on the market-place or near the gates that you sold your sausages?
SAUSAGE-SELLER. Near the gates, in the market for salted goods.
CLEON Alas! I see the prophecy of the god is verily come true. Alas! roll me home.132 I am a miserable, ruined man. Farewell, my chaplet! 'Tis death to me to part with you. So you are to belong to another; 'tis certain he cannot be a greater thief, but perhaps he may be a luckier one.133