Youre always a-being begged, and prayed, upon your bended knees you are, said the footman with great emphasis to Trotty Veck, to let our doorsteps be. Why dont you let em be? Cant you let em be?
There! Thatll do, thatll do! said the gentleman. Halloa there! Porter! beckoning with his head to Trotty Veck. Come here. Whats that? Your dinner?
Yes, sir, said Trotty, leaving it behind him in a corner.
Dont leave it there, exclaimed the gentleman. Bring it here, bring it here. So! This is your dinner, is it?
Yes, sir, repeated Trotty, looking with a fixed eye and a watery mouth, at the piece of tripe he had reserved for a last delicious tit-bit; which the gentleman was now turning over and over on the end of the fork.
Two other gentlemen had come out with him. One was a low-spirited gentleman of middle age, of a meagre habit, and a disconsolate face; who kept his hands continually in the pockets of his scanty pepper-and-salt trousers, very large and dogs-eared[11] from that custom; and was not particularly well brushed or washed. The other, a full-sized, sleek, well-conditioned gentleman, in a blue coat with bright buttons, and a white cravat. This gentleman had a very red face, as if an undue proportion of the blood in his body were squeezed up into his head; which perhaps accounted for his having also the appearance of being rather cold about the heart.
He who had Tobys meat upon the fork, called to the first one by the name of Filer; and they both drew near together. Mr. Filer being exceedingly short-sighted, was obliged to go so close to the remnant of Tobys dinner before he could make out what it was, that Tobys heart leaped up into his mouth. But Mr. Filer didnt eat it.
This is a description of animal food, Alderman, said Filer, making little punches in it with a pencil-case, commonly known to the labouring population of this country, by the name of tripe.
The Alderman laughed, and winked; for he was a merry fellow, Alderman Cute. Oh, and a sly fellow too! A knowing fellow. Up to everything.[12] Not to be imposed upon. Deep in the peoples hearts! He knew them, Cute did. I believe you!
But who eats tripe? said Mr. Filer, looking round. Tripe is without an exception the least economical, and the most wasteful article of consumption that the markets of this country can by possibility produce. The loss upon a pound of tripe has been found to be, in the boiling, seven-eights of a fifth more than the loss upon a pound of any other animal substance whatever. Tripe is more expensive, properly understood, than the hothouse pine-apple. Taking into account the number of animals slaughtered yearly within the bills of mortality alone; and forming a low estimate of the quantity of tripe which the carcases of those animals, reasonably well butchered, would yield; I find that the waste on that amount of tripe, if boiled, would victual a garrison of five hundred men for five months of thirty-one days each, and a February over. The Waste, the Waste!
Trotty stood aghast, and his legs shook under him. He seemed to have starved a garrison of five hundred men with his own hand.
Who eats tripe? said Mr. Filer, warmly. Who eats tripe?
Trotty made a miserable bow.
You do, do you? said Mr. Filer. Then Ill tell you something. You snatch your tripe, my friend, out of the mouths of widows and orphans.
I hope not, sir, said Trotty, faintly. Id sooner die of want!
Divide the amount of tripe before-mentioned, Alderman, said Mr. Filer, by the estimated number of existing widows and orphans, and the result will be one pennyweight of tripe to each. Not a grain is left for that man. Consequently, hes a robber.
Trotty was so shocked, that it gave him no concern to see the Alderman finish the tripe himself. It was a relief to get rid of it, anyhow.
And what do you say? asked the Alderman, jocosely, of the red-faced gentleman in the blue coat. You have heard friend Filer. What do you say?
Whats it possible to say? returned the gentleman. What is to be said? Who can take any interest in a fellow like this, meaning Trotty; in such degenerate times as these? Look at him. What an object! The good old times, the grand old times, the great old times! Those were the times for a bold peasantry, and all that sort of thing. Those were the times for every sort of thing, in fact. Theres nothing now-a-days. Ah! sighed the red-faced gentleman. The good old times, the good old times!
The gentleman didnt specify what particular times he alluded to; nor did he say whether he objected to the present times, from a disinterested consciousness that they had done nothing very remarkable in producing himself.
The good old times, the good old times, repeated the gentleman. What times they were! They were the only times. Its of no use talking about any other times, or discussing what the people are in these times. You dont call these times, do you? I dont. Look into Strutts Costumes, and see what a Porter used to be, in any of the good old English reigns.
He hadnt, in his very best circumstances, a shirt to his back, or a stocking to his foot; and there was scarcely a vegetable in all England for him to put into his mouth, said Mr. Filer. I can prove it, by tables.
But still the red-faced gentleman extolled the good old times, the grand old times, the great old times. No matter what anybody else said, he still went turning round and round in one set form of words concerning them; as a poor squirrel turns and turns in its revolving cage; touching the mechanism, and trick of which, it has probably quite as distinct perceptions, as ever this red-faced gentleman had of his deceased Millennium.
It is possible that poor Trottys faith in these very vague Old Times was not entirely destroyed, for he felt vague enough at that moment. One thing, however, was plain to him, in the midst of his distress; to wit[13], that however these gentlemen might differ in details, his misgivings of that morning, and of many other mornings, were well founded. No, no. We cant go right or do right, thought Trotty in despair. There is no good in us. We are born bad!
But Trotty had a fathers heart within him; which had somehow got into his breast in spite of this decree; and he could not bear that Meg, in the blush of her brief joy, should have her fortune read by these wise gentlemen. God help her, thought poor Trotty. She will know it soon enough.
He anxiously signed, therefore, to the young smith, to take her away. But he was so busy, talking to her softly at a little distance, that he only became conscious of this desire, simultaneously with Alderman Cute. Now, the Alderman had not yet had his say[14], but he was a philosopher, too practical, though! Oh, very practical and, as he had no idea of losing any portion of his audience, he cried Stop!
Now, you know, said the Alderman, addressing his two friends, with a self-complacent smile upon his face which was habitual to him, I am a plain man, and a practical man; and I go to work in a plain practical way. Thats my way. There is not the least mystery or difficulty in dealing with this sort of people if you only understand em, and can talk to em in their own manner. Now, you Porter! Dont you ever tell me, or anybody else, my friend, that you havent always enough to eat, and of the best; because I know better. I have tasted your tripe, you know, and you cant chaff me. You understand what chaff means, eh? Thats the right word, isnt it? Ha, ha, ha! Lord bless you, said the Alderman, turning to his friends again, its the easiest thing on earth to deal with this sort of people, if you understand em.
Famous man for the common people, Alderman Cute! Never out of temper with them! Easy, affable, joking, knowing gentleman!
You see, my friend, pursued the Alderman, theres a great deal of nonsense talked about Want hard up, you know; thats the phrase, isnt it? ha! ha! ha! and I intend to Put it Down. Theres a certain amount of cant in vogue about Starvation, and I mean to Put it Down. Thats all! Lord bless you, said the Alderman, turning to his friends again, you may Put Down anything among this sort of people, if you only know the way to set about it.
Trotty took Megs hand and drew it through his arm. He didnt seem to know what he was doing though.
Your daughter, eh? said the Alderman, chucking her familiarly under the chin.
Always affable with the working classes, Alderman Cute! Knew what pleased them! Not a bit of pride!
Wheres her mother? asked that worthy gentleman.
Dead, said Toby. Her mother got up linen; and was called to Heaven when She was born.
Not to get up linen there, I suppose, remarked the Alderman pleasantly
Toby might or might not have been able to separate his wife in Heaven from her old pursuits. But query: If Mrs. Alderman Cute had gone to Heaven, would Mr. Alderman Cute have pictured her as holding any state or station there?
And youre making love to her, are you? said Cute to the young smith.
Yes, returned Richard quickly, for he was nettled by the question. And we are going to be married on New Years Day.
What do you mean! cried Filer sharply. Married!
Why, yes, were thinking of it, Master, said Richard. Were rather in a hurry, you see, in case it should be Put Down first.
Ah! cried Filer, with a groan. Put that down indeed, Alderman, and youll do something. Married! Married!! The ignorance of the first principles of political economy on the part of these people; their improvidence; their wickedness; is, by Heavens! enough to Now look at that couple, will you!
Well? They were worth looking at. And marriage seemed as reasonable and fair a deed as they need have in contemplation.
A man may live to be as old as Methuselah[15], said Mr. Filer, and may labour all his life for the benefit of such people as those; and may heap up facts on figures, facts on figures, facts on figures, mountains high and dry; and he can no more hope to persuade em that they have no right or business to be married, than he can hope to persuade em that they have no earthly right or business to be born. And that we know they havent. We reduced it to a mathematical certainty long ago!
Alderman Cute was mightily diverted, and laid his right forefinger on the side of his nose, as much as to say to both his friends, Observe me, will you! Keep your eye on the practical man! and called Meg to him.
Come here, my girl! said Alderman Cute.
The young blood of her lover had been mounting, wrathfully, within the last few minutes; and he was indisposed to let her come. But, setting a constraint upon himself, he came forward with a stride as Meg approached, and stood beside her. Trotty kept her hand within his arm still, but looked from face to face as wildly as a sleeper in a dream.
Now, Im going to give you a word or two of good advice, my girl, said the Alderman, in his nice easy way. Its my place to give advice, you know, because Im a Justice[16]. You know Im a Justice, dont you?
Meg timidly said, Yes. But everybody knew Alderman Cute was a Justice! Oh dear, so active a Justice always! Who such a mote of brightness in the public eye, as Cute!
You are going to be married, you say, pursued the Alderman. Very unbecoming and indelicate in one of your sex! But never mind that. After you are married, youll quarrel with your husband and come to be a distressed wife. You may think not; but you will, because I tell you so. Now, I give you fair warning, that I have made up my mind to Put distressed wives Down. So, dont be brought before me. Youll have children boys. Those boys will grow up bad, of course, and run wild in the streets, without shoes and stockings. Mind, my young friend! Ill convict em summarily, every one, for I am determined to Put boys without shoes and stockings, Down. Perhaps your husband will die young (most likely) and leave you with a baby. Then youll be turned out of doors, and wander up and down the streets. Now, dont wander near me, my dear, for I am resolved, to Put all wandering mothers Down. All young mothers, of all sorts and kinds, its my determination to Put Down. Dont think to plead illness as an excuse with me; or babies as an excuse with me; for all sick persons and young children (I hope you know the church-service, but Im afraid not) I am determined to Put Down. And if you attempt, desperately, and ungratefully, and impiously, and fraudulently attempt, to drown yourself, or hang yourself, Ill have no pity for you, for I have made up my mind to Put all suicide Down! If there is one thing, said the Alderman, with his self-satisfied smile, on which I can be said to have made up my mind more than on another, it is to Put suicide Down. So dont try it on. Thats the phrase, isnt it? Ha, ha! now we understand each other.
Toby knew not whether to be agonised or glad, to see that Meg had turned a deadly white, and dropped her lovers hand.