When we had feasted sumptuously, he took his leave of the footman, and adjourned with me to an ale-house hard by, where, after shaking me by the hand again, he began thus: I suppose you think me a sad dog, Mr. Random, and I do confess that appearances are against me. But I dare say you will forgive me when I tell you, my not coming at the time appointed was owing to a peremptory message I received from a certain lady, whom, harkee! (but this is a great secret) I am to marry very soon. You think this strange, perhaps, but it is not less true for all thata five thousand pounder, Ill assure you, besides expectations. For my own part, devil take me if I know what any woman can see engaging about mebut a whim, you knowand then one would not balk ones good fortune. You saw that footman who dined with ushes one of the honestest fellows that ever wore livery. You must know it was by his means I was introduced to her, for he made me first acquainted with her woman, who is his mistressay, many a crown has he and his sweetheart had of my moneybut what of that? things are now brought to a bearing. I have(come a little this way) I have proposed marriage, and the day is fixedshes a charming creature, and writes like an angel! She can repeat all the English tragedies as well as ever a player in Drury Lane!-and, indeed, is so fond of plays, that to be near the stage she has taken lodgings in a court hard by the theatre; but you shall seeyou shall seeheres the last letter she sent me. With these words, he put it into my hand, and I read (to the best of my remembrance) as follows:
Dear CreetenAs you are the animable hopjack of my contemplayshins, your aydear is infernally skimming before my keymerycal fansee, when Murfy sends his puppies to the heys of slipping mortals; and when Febus shines from his merry dying throne; whereupon I shall canseif old time has lost his pinners, as also cubit his harrows, until thou enjoy sweet propose in the loafseek harms of thy very faithfool to commend,
ClayrenderWingar Yard, Drury Lane, January 12th.While I was reading, he seemed to be in an ecstasy, rubbing his hands, and bursting out into fits of laughter; at last he caught hold of my hand, and squeezing it, cried, Therea style for you! What do you think of this billet-doux? I answered, It might be ablime for aught I knew, for it was altogether above my comprehension. Oh, ho! said he, I believe it isboth tender and sublime; shes a divine creature! and so doats upon me! Let me seewhat shall I do with this money, when I have once got it into my hands? In the first place, I shall do for you. Im a man of few wordsbut say no more thats determined; whether would you advise me, to purchase some post, by which I may rise in the state, or lay out my wifes fortune in land, and retire to the country at once? I gave my opinion without hesitation, that he could not do better than buy an estate and improve; especially since he had already seen so much of the world. Then I launched out into the praises of a country life, as described by the poets whose works I had read. He seemed to relish my advice, but withal told me, that although he had seen a great deal of the world both at land and sea, having cruised three whole months in the Channel, yet he should not be satisfied until he had visited France, which he proposed to do before he should settle; and to carry his wife along with him. I had nothing to object to his proposal; and asked how soon he hoped to be happy. As to that, he replied, nothing obstructs my happiness but the want of a little ready cash; for you must know, my friend in the city has gone out of town for a week or two, but I unfortunately missed my pay at Broad Street, by being detained too long by the dear charmerbut there will be a recall at Chatham next week, whither the ships books are sent, and I have commissioned a friend in that place to receive the money. If that be all, said I, theres no great harm in deferring your marriage a few days. Yes, faith, but there is, said he; you dont know how many rivals I have, who would take all advantages against me. I would not balk the impatience of her passion for the worldthe least appearance of coldness or indifference would ruin all; and such offers dont occur every day.
I acquiesced in this observation, and inquired how he intended to proceed. At this question he rubbed his chin, and said, Why, truly, I must be obliged to some friend or otherdo you know nobody that would lend me a small sum for a day or two? I assured him, I was such an utter stranger in London, that I did not believe I could borrow a guinea if my life depended upon it. No! said he, thats hardthats hard! I wish I had anything to pawnupon my soul, you have got excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt); how many shirts of that kind have you got? I answered, Six ruffled, and six plain. At which he testified great surprise, and declared that no gentleman ought to have more than four. How many dye think I have got? continued he; but this and another, as I hope to be saved! and I dare say we shall be able to raise a good sum out of your superfluity: let me seelet me seeeach of these shirts is worth sixteen shillings at a moderate computationnow, suppose we pawn them for half-priceeight times eight is sixty-four, thats three pounds four; that will dogive me your hand. Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson, said I; dont dispose of my linen without my consent: first pay me the crown you owe me, and then we shall talk of other matters. He protested that he had not above one shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of the first of the money raised from the shirts. This piece of assurance incensed me so much that I swore I would not part with him until I had received satisfaction for what I had lent him; and as for the shirts, I would not pawn one of them to save him from the gallows.
At this expression he laughed aloud, and then complained it was very hard that I should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly enable him not only to make his own fortune but mine also. You talk of pawning my shirts, said I; suppose you should sell this hanger, Mr. Jackson. I believe it would fetch a good round sum. No, hang it! said he, I cant appear decently without my hanger, lest it should go. However, seeing me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length unbuckled his hanger, and, showing me the three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither and pawn it for two guineas. This office I would by no means have performed, had I seen any likelihood of having my money otherwise; but not willing, out of a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity I should perhaps ever have, I ventured into a pawnbrokers shop, where I demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas Williams. Two guineas! said the pawnbroker, looking at the hanger; this piece of goods has been here several times before for thirty shillings: however, since I believe the gentleman to whom it belongs will redeem it, he shall have what he wants; and accordingly he paid me the money, which I carried to the house where I had left Jackson; and, calling for change, counted out to him seven and thirty shillings, reserving the other five for myself. After looking at the money some time, he said, Well! it dont signifythis wont do my business; so you may as well take half-a-guinea, or a whole one, as the five shillings you have kept. I thanked him kindly, but refused to accept of any more than was my due, because I had no prospect of repaying it. Upon which declaration, he stared in my face, and told me, I was excessively raw or I would not talk in that manner. Upon my word, cried he, I have a very bad opinion of a young fellow who wont borrow of his friend when he is in wanttis the sign of a sneaking spirit. Come, come, Random, give me back the five shillings, and take this half-guinea, and if ever you are able to pay me, I believe you will: if not, I shall never ask it.
I acquiesced in this observation, and inquired how he intended to proceed. At this question he rubbed his chin, and said, Why, truly, I must be obliged to some friend or otherdo you know nobody that would lend me a small sum for a day or two? I assured him, I was such an utter stranger in London, that I did not believe I could borrow a guinea if my life depended upon it. No! said he, thats hardthats hard! I wish I had anything to pawnupon my soul, you have got excellent linen (feeling the sleeve of my shirt); how many shirts of that kind have you got? I answered, Six ruffled, and six plain. At which he testified great surprise, and declared that no gentleman ought to have more than four. How many dye think I have got? continued he; but this and another, as I hope to be saved! and I dare say we shall be able to raise a good sum out of your superfluity: let me seelet me seeeach of these shirts is worth sixteen shillings at a moderate computationnow, suppose we pawn them for half-priceeight times eight is sixty-four, thats three pounds four; that will dogive me your hand. Softly, softly, Mr. Jackson, said I; dont dispose of my linen without my consent: first pay me the crown you owe me, and then we shall talk of other matters. He protested that he had not above one shilling in his pocket, but that he would pay me out of the first of the money raised from the shirts. This piece of assurance incensed me so much that I swore I would not part with him until I had received satisfaction for what I had lent him; and as for the shirts, I would not pawn one of them to save him from the gallows.
At this expression he laughed aloud, and then complained it was very hard that I should refuse him a trifle that would infallibly enable him not only to make his own fortune but mine also. You talk of pawning my shirts, said I; suppose you should sell this hanger, Mr. Jackson. I believe it would fetch a good round sum. No, hang it! said he, I cant appear decently without my hanger, lest it should go. However, seeing me inflexible with regard to my linen, he at length unbuckled his hanger, and, showing me the three blue balls, desired me to carry it thither and pawn it for two guineas. This office I would by no means have performed, had I seen any likelihood of having my money otherwise; but not willing, out of a piece of false delicacy, to neglect the only opportunity I should perhaps ever have, I ventured into a pawnbrokers shop, where I demanded two guineas on the pledge, in the name of Thomas Williams. Two guineas! said the pawnbroker, looking at the hanger; this piece of goods has been here several times before for thirty shillings: however, since I believe the gentleman to whom it belongs will redeem it, he shall have what he wants; and accordingly he paid me the money, which I carried to the house where I had left Jackson; and, calling for change, counted out to him seven and thirty shillings, reserving the other five for myself. After looking at the money some time, he said, Well! it dont signifythis wont do my business; so you may as well take half-a-guinea, or a whole one, as the five shillings you have kept. I thanked him kindly, but refused to accept of any more than was my due, because I had no prospect of repaying it. Upon which declaration, he stared in my face, and told me, I was excessively raw or I would not talk in that manner. Upon my word, cried he, I have a very bad opinion of a young fellow who wont borrow of his friend when he is in wanttis the sign of a sneaking spirit. Come, come, Random, give me back the five shillings, and take this half-guinea, and if ever you are able to pay me, I believe you will: if not, I shall never ask it.
When I reflected upon my present necessity, I suffered myself to be persuaded, and after making my acknowledgments to Mr. Jackson, who offered to treat me with a play, I returned to my lodgings with a much better opinion of this gentleman than I had in the morning; and at night imparted my days adventure to Strap, who rejoiced at my good luck, saying, I told you if he was a Scotchman you was safe enoughand who knows but this marriage may make us all. You have heard, I suppose, as how a countryman of ours, a journeyman baker, ran away with a great lady of this town, and now keeps his coach. I say nothing; but yesterday morning as I was shaving a gentleman at his own house, there was a young lady in the room, and she threw so many sheeps eyes at a certain person whom I shall not name, that my heart went knock, knock, knock, like a fulling mill, and my hand sh-sh-shook so much that I sliced a piece of skin off the gentlemans nose; whereby he uttered a deadly oath, and was going to horsewhip me, when she prevented him, and made my peace. Is not a journeyman barber as good as a journeyman baker? The only difference is, the baker uses flour for the belly, and the barber rises it for the head: and as the head is a more noble member than the belly, so is a barber more noble than a bakerfor whats the belly without the head? Besides, I am told, he could neither read nor write; now you know I can do both, and moreover, speak Latinbut I will say no more, for I despise vanitynothing is more vain than vanity. With these words, he pulled out of his pocket a wax-candle`s end, which he applied to his forehead; and upon examination, I found had combed his own hair over the toupee of his wig, and was, indeed, in his whole dress, become a very smart shaver. I congratulated him on his prospect with a satirical smile, which he understood very well; and, shaking his head, observed, I had very little faith, but the truth would come to light in spite of my incredulity.
CHAPTER XVII
I go to Surgeons Hall, when I meet Mr. Jackson-am examineda fierce dispute arises between two of the examinersJackson disguises himself to attract respectirises himself to attract respectis detectedin hazard of being sent to Bridewellhe treats us at a Taverncarries us to a Night-houseA troublesome adventure therewe are committed to the Round-housecarried before a Justicehis behaviour
With the assistance of this faithful adherent, who gave me almost all the money he earned, I preserved my half-guinea entire till the day of examination, when I went with a quaking heart to Surgeons Hall, in order to undergo that ceremony. Among a crowd of young fellows who walked in the outward hall, I perceived Mr. Jackson, to whom I immediately went up; and, inquiring into the state of his love affair, understood it was still undetermined, by reason of his friends absence, and the delay of the recall at Chatham, which put it out of his power to bring it to a conclusion. I then asked what his business was in this place; he replied, he was resolved to have two strings to his bow, that in case the one failed, he might use the other; and, with this view, he was to pass that night for a higher qualification. At that instant, a young fellow came out from the place of examination, with a pale countenance, his lip quivering, and his looks as wild as if he had seen a ghost. He no sooner appeared, than we all flocked about him with the utmost eagerness to know what reception he had met with; which, after some pause, he described, recounting all the questions they had asked, with the answers he made. In this manner we obliged no less than twelve to recapitulate, which, now the danger was past, they did with pleasure, before it fell to my lot: at length the beadle called my name, with a voice that made me tremble. However, there was no remedy. I was conducted into a large hall, where I saw about a dozen of grim faces sitting at a long table: one of whom bade me come forward, in such an imperious tone, that I was actually for a minute or two bereft of my senses. The first question he put to me was, Where was you born? To which I answered, In Scotland. In Scotland, said he; I know that very wellwe have scarce any other countrymen to examine hereyou Scotchmen have overspread us of late as the locusts did Egypt. I ask you in what part of Scotland was you born? I named the place of my nativity, which he had never heard of; he then proceeded to interrogate me about my age, the town where I served my time, with the term of my apprenticeship; and when I informed him that I served three years only, he fell into a violent passion, swore it was a shame and a scandal to send such raw boys into the world as surgeons; that it was great presumption in me, and all affront upon the English, to pretend sufficient skill in my business, having served so short a time, when every apprentice in England was bound seven years at least: that my friends would have done better if they had made me a weaver or shoemaker; but their pride would have me a gentleman, he supposed, at any rate, and their poverty could not afford the necessary education. This exordium did not at all contribute to the recovery of my spirits; but on the contrary, reduced me to such a situation that I was scarcely able to stand; which being perceived by a plump gentleman who sat opposite to me with a skull before him, he said, Mr. Snarler was too severe upon the young man; and, turning towards me, told me I need not be afraid, for nobody would do me any harm: then, bidding me take time to recollect myself, he examined me, touching the operation of the trepan, and was very well satisfied with my answers. The next person who questioned me was a wag, who began by asking if I had ever seen amputation performed; and I replying in the affirmative, he shook his head and said, What! upon a dead subject, I suppose? If, continued he, during an engagement at sea, a man should be brought to you with his head shot off, how would you behave? After some hesitation, I owned such a case had never come under my observation, neither did I remember to have seen any method of care proposed for such an accident, in any of the systems of surgery I had perused.