Let me see, sir, Ive one sister, tother we split in half the other day, and I think I have a couple of monkeys down in the store-room.I say, you Smith, pass that brace through the bulls eye, and take the sheepshank out before you come down.
And, Mr Chucks, recollect this afternoon that you bleed all the buoys.
Bleed the boys! thought I, what can that be for? at all events, the surgeon appears to be the proper person to perform that operation.
This last incomprehensible remark drove me off the deck, and I retreated to the cock-pit, where I found Mrs Trotter. O my dear! said she, I am glad you are come, as I wish to put your clothes in order. Have you a list of themwhere is your key? I replied that I had not a list, and I handed her the key, although I did not forget the caution of the midshipman; yet I considered that there could be no harm in her looking over my clothes when I was present. She unlocked my chest, and pulled every thing out, and then commenced telling me what were likely to be useful, and what were not.
Now, these worsted stockings, she said, will be very comfortable in cold weather, and in the summer time these brown cotton socks will be delightfully cool, and you have enough of each to last you till you outgrow them; but as for these fine cotton stockings, they are of no useonly catch the dirt when the decks are swept, and always look untidy. I wonder how they could be so foolish as to send them; nobody wears them on board ship now-a-days. They are only fit for womenI wonder if they would fit me. She turned her chair away, and put on one of my stockings, laughing the whole of the time. Then she turned round to me and showed me how nicely they fitted her. Bless you, Mr Simple, its well that Trotter is in the hold, hed be so jealousdo you know what these stockings cost? They are of no use to you, and they fit me. I will speak to Trotter, and take them off your hands. I replied, that I could not think of selling them, and as they were of no use to me and fitted her, I begged that she would accept of the dozen pairs.
We had beef-steaks and onions for dinner that day, but I could not bear the smell of the onions. Mr Trotter came down very cross, because the first lieutenant had found fault with him. He swore that he would cut the service. He drank glass of grog after glass of grog, and at each glass became more violent; and Mrs Trotter drank also, I observed, a great deal more than I thought she ought to have done; but she whispered to me, that she drank it that Trotter might not, as he would certainly be tipsy. I thought this very devoted on her part; but they sat so late that I went to bed and left themhe still drinking and vowing vengeance against the first lieutenant. I had not been asleep above two or three hours, when I was awakened by a great noise and quarrelling, and I discovered that Mr Trotter was drunk and beating his wife. Very much shocked that such a charming woman should be beaten and ill-used, I scrambled out of my hammock to see if I could be of any assistance, but it was dark, although they scuffled as much as before. I asked the marine, who was sentry at the gun-room door above, to bring his lantern, and was very much shocked at his replying that I had better go to bed and let them fight it out.
Shortly afterwards, Mrs Trotter staggered to my hammock, and, after several attempts, succeeded in getting into it. I cannot say that I much liked that, but what could I do? So I finished dressing myself, and went up on the quarter-deck.
The midshipman who had the watch was the one who had cautioned me against the Trotters; he was very friendly to me. Well, Simple, said he, what brings you on deck? I told him how ill Mr Trotter had behaved to his wife, and how she had turned into my hammock.
The cursed drunken old catamaran, cried he; Ill go and cut her down by the head: but I requested he would not, as she was a lady.
A lady! replied he; yes, theres plenty of ladies of her description; and then he informed me that she had many years ago been the mistress of a man of fortune who kept a carriage for her; but that he grew tired of her, and had given Trotter 200 pounds to marry her, and that now they did nothing but get drunk together and fight with each other.
He went to my hammock and lowered it down at one end, so that Mrs Trotter lay with her head on the deck in a very uncomfortable position. To my astonishment, she swore at him in a dreadful manner, but refused to turn out. He was abusing her and shaking her in the hammock, when Mr Trotter, who had been aroused at the noise, rushed from behind the screen. You villain! what are you doing with my wife? cried he, pummelling at him as well as he could, for he was so tipsy that he could hardly stand.
Mr Trotter was soon knocked down, when all of a sudden Mrs Trotter jumped up from the hammock, and caught the midshipman by the hair, and pulled at him. Then the sentry thought right to interfere; he called out for the master-at-arms, and went down himself to help the midshipman, who was faring badly between the two. But Mrs Trotter snatched the lantern out of his hand and smashed it all to pieces, and then we were all left in darkness, and I could not see what took place, although the scuffling continued. Such was the posture of affairs when the master-at-arms came up with his light. The midshipman and sentry went up the ladder, and Mr and Mrs Trotter continued beating each other. To this, none of them paid any attention, saying, as the sentry had said before, Let them fight it out.
After they had fought some time, they retired behind the screen, and I followed the advice of the midshipman, and got into my hammock, which the master-at-arms hung up again for me. I heard Mr and Mrs Trotter both crying and kissing each other. Cruel, cruel Mr Trotter! said she blubbering.
My life, my love, I was so jealous! replied he.
Damn and blast your jealousy, replied the lady; Ive two nice black eyes for the galley to-morrow. After about an hour of kissing and scolding, they both fell asleep again.
The next morning before breakfast, the midshipman reported to the first lieutenant the conduct of Mr Trotter and his wife. I was sent for, and obliged to acknowledge that it was all true. He sent for Mr Trotter, who replied that he was not well, and could not come on deck. Upon which the first lieutenant ordered the sergeant of marines to bring him up directly. Mr Trotter made his appearance, with one eye closed, and his face very much scratched.
Did not I desire you, sir, said the first lieutenant, to introduce this young gentleman into the midshipmens berth? instead of which you have introduced him to that disgraceful wife of yours, and have swindled him out of his property. I order you immediately to return the three guineas which you received as mess-money, and also that your wife give back the stockings which she cajoled him out of.
But then I interposed, and told the first lieutenant that the stockings had been a free gift on my part; and that although I had been very foolish, yet that I considered that I could not in honour demand them back again.
Well, youngster, replied the first lieutenant, perhaps your ideas are correct, and if you wish it, I will not enforce that part of my order; but, continued he to Mr Trotter, I desire, sir, that your wife leave the ship immediately and I trust that when I have reported your conduct to the captain, he will serve you in the same manner. In the meantime, you will consider yourself under an arrest for drunkenness.
Chapter Seven
Chapter Seven
Scandalum magnatum clearly provedI prove to the captain that I consider him a gentleman, although I had told him the contrary, and I prove to the midshipmen that I am a gentleman myselfthey prove their gratitude by practising upon me, because practice makes perfect
The captain came on board about twelve oclock, and ordered the discharge of Mr Trotter to be made out, as soon as the first lieutenant had reported what had occurred. He then sent for all the midshipmen on the quarter-deck.
Gentlemen, said the captain to them, with a stern countenance, I feel very much indebted to some of you for the character which you have been pleased to give of me to Mr Simple. I must now request that you will answer a few questions which I am about to put in his presence. Did I ever flog the whole starboard watch, because the ship would only sail nine knots on a bowline!
No, sir, no! replied they all, very much frightened.
Did I ever give a midshipman four dozen for not having his weekly accounts pipe-clayed; or another five dozen for wearing a scarlet watch riband?
No, sir, replied they all together.
Did any midshipman ever die on his chest from fatigue?
They again replied in the negative.
Then, gentlemen, you will oblige me by stating which of you thought proper to assert these falsehoods in a public coffee-room; and further, which of you obliged this youngster to risk his life in a duel?
They were all silent.
Will you answer me, gentlemen?
With respect to the duel, sir, replied the midshipman who had fought me, I heard say, that the pistols were only charged with powder. It was a joke.
Well, sir, well allow that the duel was only a joke (and I hope and trust that your report is correct); is the reputation of your captain only a joke, allow me to ask? I request to know who of you dared to propagate such injurious slander? (Here there was a dead pause.) Well, then, gentlemen, since you will not confess yourselves, I must refer to my authority. Mr Simple, have the goodness to point out the person on persons who gave you the information.
But I thought this would not be fair; and as they had all treated me very kindly after the duel, I resolved not to tell; so I answered, If you please, sir, I consider that I told you all that in confidence.
Confidence, sir! replied the captain; who ever heard of confidence between a post-captain and a midshipman?
No, sir, replied I, not between a post-captain and a midshipman but between two gentlemen.
The captain bit his lip, and then turning to the midshipmen, said, You may thank Mr Simple, gentlemen, that I do not press this matter further. I do believe that you were not serious when you calumniated me; but recollect that what is said in joke is too often repeated in earnest. I trust that Mr Simples conduct will have its effect, and that you will leave off practising upon him, who has saved you from a very severe punishment.
When the midshipmen went down below they all shook hands with me, and said, that I was a good fellow for not peaching: but, as for the advice of the captain, that they should not practise upon me, as he termed it, they forgot that, for they commenced again immediately, and never left off until they found that I was not to be deceived any longer.
The postman came on board with the letters, and put his head into the midshipmens berth. I was very anxious to have one from home, but I was disappointed. Some had letters and some had not. Those who had not, declared that their parents were very undutiful, and that they would cut them off with a shilling; and those who had letters, after they had read them, offered them for sale to the others, usually at half price. I could not imagine why they sold, or why the others bought them; but they did do so; and one that was full of good advice was sold three times, from which circumstance I was inclined to form a better opinion of the morals of my companions.
I mentioned the reason why I was so anxious for a letter, viz., because I wanted to buy my dirk and cocked-hat; upon which they told me that there was no occasion for my spending my money, as by the regulations of the service, the pursers steward served them out to all the officers who applied for them. As I knew where the pursers stewards room was, having seen it when down in the cock-pit with the Trotters, I went down immediately. Mr Pursers Steward, said I, let me have a cocked-hat and a dirk immediately.
Very good, sir, replied he, and he wrote an order upon a slip of paper, which he handed to me. There is the order for it, sir; but the cocked-hats are kept in the chest up in the main-top, and as for the dirk, you must apply to the butcher, who has them under his charge.
I went up with the order, and thought I would first apply for the dirk; so I inquired for the butcher, whom I found sitting in the sheep-pen with the sheep, mending his trowsers. In reply to my demand, he told me that he had not the key of the store-room, which was under the charge of one of the corporals of marines.
I inquired who, and he said, Cheeks, the marine. (This celebrated personage is the prototype of Mr Nobody on board of a man-of-war.)
I went everywhere about the ship, inquiring for Cheeks the marine, but could not find him. Some said that they believed he was in the foretop, standing sentry over the wind, that it might not change; others, that he was in the galley, to prevent the midshipmen from soaking their biscuit in the captains dripping-pan.
As I could not find the marine, I thought I might as well go for my cocked-hat, and get my dirk afterwards. I did not much like going up the rigging, because I was afraid of turning giddy, and if I fell overboard I could not swim; but one of the midshipmen offered to accompany me, stating that I need not be afraid, if I fell overboard, of sinking to the bottom, as, if I was giddy, my head at all events would swim; so I determined to venture. I climbed up very near to the main-top, but not without missing the little ropes very often, and grazing the skin of my shins. Then I came to large ropes stretched out from the mast so that you must climb them with your head backwards. The midshipman told me these were called the cat-harpings, because they were so difficult to climb, that a cat would expostulate if ordered to go out by them. I was afraid to venture, and then he proposed that I should go through lubbers hole, which he said had been made for people like me. I agreed to attempt it, as it appeared more easy, and at last arrived, quite out of breath, and very happy to find myself in the main-top.
The captain of the main-top was there with two other sailors. The midshipman introduced me very politely: Mr JenkinsMr Simple, midshipman,Mr Simple, Mr Jenkins, captain of the main-top. Mr Jenkins, Mr Simple has come up with an order for a cocked-hat. The captain of the top replied that he was very sorry that he had not one in store, but the last had been served out to the captains monkey. This was very provoking. The captain of the top then asked me if I was ready with my footing.
I replied, Not very, for I had lost it two or three times when coming up. He laughed and replied, that I should lose it altogether before I went down; and that I must hand it out. Hand out my footing! said I, puzzled, and appealing to the midshipman; what does he mean?
He means that you must fork out a seven-shilling bit.
I was just as wise as ever, and stared very much; when Mr Jenkins desired the other men to get half-a-dozen foxes and make a spread eagle of me, unless he had his parkisite. I never should have found out what it all meant, had not the midshipman, who laughed till he cried, at last informed me that it was the custom to give the men something to drink the first time that I came aloft, and that if I did not, they would tie me up to the rigging.