I told him what had occurred, and how the master was angry with me. OBrien laughed very heartily, and told me never to mind, but to keep in the lee-scuppers and watch him. A glass of grog is a bait that hell play round till he gorges. When you see it to his lips, go up to him boldly, and ask his pardon, if you have offended him, and then, if hes a good Christian, as I believe him to be, hell not refuse it.
I thought this was very good advice, and I waited under the bulwark on the lee-side. I observed that the master made shorter and shorter turns every time, till at last he stopped at the capstan and looked at the grog. He waited about half a minute, and then he took up the tumbler, and drank about half of it. It was very strong, and he stopped to take breath. I thought that this was the right time, and I went up to him. The tumbler was again to his lips, and before he saw me, I said, I hope sir, youll forgive me; I never heard of a night telescope, and knowing that you had walked so long, I thought you were tired, and wanted something to drink to refresh you.
Well, Mr Simple, said he, after he had finished the glass, with a deep sigh of pleasure, as you meant kindly, I shall let you off this time; but recollect, that whenever you bring me a glass of grog again, it must not be in the presence of the captain or first lieutenant.
At last our watch was over, and about two bells I was relieved by the midshipman of the next watch. It is very unfair not to relieve in time, but if I said a word, I was certain to be thrashed the next day upon some pretence or another. On the other hand, the midshipman whom I relieved was also much bigger than I was, and if I was not up before one bell, I was cut down and thrashed by him: so that between the two I kept much more than my share of the watch, except when the master sent me to bed before it was over.
Chapter Thirteen
The first lieutenant prescribes for one of his patients, his prescriptions consisting of draughts onlyOBrien finishes the history of his life, in which the proverb of the more the merrier is sadly disprovedShipping a new pair of boots causes the unshipping of their ownerWalking home after a ball; OBrien meets with an accident
The next morning I was on deck at seven bells, to see the hammocks stowed, when I was witness to Mr Falcon, the first lieutenant, having recourse to one of his remedies to cure a mizen-top-boy of smoking, a practice to which he had a great aversion. He never interfered with the men smoking in the galley, or chewing tobacco; but he prevented the boys, that is, lads under twenty or thereabouts, from indulging in the habit too early. The first lieutenant smelt the tobacco as the boy passed him on the quarter-deck. Why, Neill, you have been smoking, said the first lieutenant. I thought you were aware that I did not permit such lads as you to use tobacco.
If you please, sir, replied the mizen-top-boy, touching his hat, Ise got worms, and they say that smoking be good for them.
Good for them! said the first lieutenant; yes, very good for them but very bad for you. Why, my good fellow, theyll thrive upon tobacco until they grow as large as conger eels. Heat is what the worms are fond of; but coldcold will kill them. Now Ill cure you. Quarter-master, come here. Walk this boy up and down the weather gangway, and every time you get forward abreast of the main-tack block, put his mouth to windward, squeeze him sharp by the nape of the neck until he opens his mouth wide, and there keep him and let the cold air blow down his throat, while you count ten; then walk him aft, and when you are forward again proceed as before.Cold kills worms, my poor boy, not tobaccoI wonder that you are not dead by this time.
A few nights afterwards, when we had the middle watch, OBrien proceeded with his story.
Where was it that I left off?
You left off at the time that you were taken out of confinement.
So I did, sure enough; and it was with no goodwill that I went to my duty. However, as there was no help for it, I walked up and down the deck as before, with my hands in my pockets, thinking of old Ireland, and my great ancestor, Brien Borru. And so I went on behaving myself like a real gentleman, and getting into no more scrapes, until the fleet put into the Cove of Cork, and I found myself within a few miles of my fathers house. You may suppose that the anchor had hardly kissed the mud before I went to the first lieutenant and asked leave to go on shore. Now the first lieutenant was not in the sweetest of tempers, seeing as how the captain had been hauling him over the coals for not carrying on the duty according to his satisfaction. So he answered me very gruffly, that I should not leave the ship. O bother! said I to myself, this will never do. So up I walked to the captain, and touching my hat, reminded him that I had a father and mother, and a pretty sprinkling of brothers and sisters, who were dying to see me, and that I hoped that he would give me leave. Ax the first lieutenant, said he turning away. I have, sir, replied I, and he says that the devil a bit shall I put my foot on shore. Have you any fault to find with Mr OBrien? said the captain to the first lieutenant, as he came aft. No more than I have with midshipmen in general; but I believe it is not the custom for officers to ask leave to go on shore before the sails are furled and the yards squared. Very true, replied the captain; therefore, Mr OBrien, you must wait until the watch is called, and then, if you ask the first lieutenant, I have no doubt but you will have leave granted to you to go and see your friends.
I thought myself very clever in this business, but I was never a greater fool in my life; for there was no such hurry to have gone on shore, and the first lieutenant never forgave me for appealing to the captainbut of that by-and-bye, and all in good time. At last I obtained a grumbling assent to my going on shore, and off I went like a sky rocket. Being in a desperate hurry, I hired a jaunting car to take me to my fathers house. Is it the OBrien of Ballyhinch that you mane? inquired the spalpeen who drove the horse. Sure it is, replied I; and how is he, and all the noble family of the OBriens? All well enough, bating the boy Tim, who caught a bit of confusion in his head the other night at the fair, and now lies at home in bed quite insensible to mate or drink; but the doctors give hopes of his recovery, as all the OBriens are known to have such thick heads. What do mane by that, bad manners to you? said I; but poor Timhow did it happenwas there a fight? Not much of a fightonly a bit of a skrummagethree crowners inquests, no more. But you are not going the straight road, you thief, said I, seeing that he had turned off to the left. Is your honour in a hurry to get home? Then Ill be thinking theyll not be in such a hurry to see you. And who told you that my name was OBrien, you baste?and do you dare to say that my friends wont be glad to see me? Plase your honour, its all an idea of mineso say no more about it. Only this I know; Father McGrath, who gives me absolution, tould me the other day that I ought to pay him and not run in debt, and then run away, like Terence OBrien, who went to say without paying for his shirts, and his shoes, and his stockings, nor anything else, and who would live to be hanged, as sure as St. Patrick swam over the Liffey with his head under his arm. Bad luck to that Father McGrath, cried I; devil burn me, but Ill be revenged upon him!
By that time we had arrived at the door of my fathers house. I paid the rapparee, and in I popped. There was my father and mother, and all my brothers and sisters (bating Tim, who was in bed sure enough, and died next day), and that baste, Father McGrath, to boot. When my mother saw me she ran to me and hugged me as she wept on my neck, and then she wiped her eyes and sat down again; but nobody else said, How dye do? or opened their mouths to me. I said to myself, Sure theres some trifling mistake here, but I held my tongue. At last they all opened their mouths with a vengeance. My father commencedArnt you ashamed on yourself, Terence OBrien?Arnt you ashamed on yourself, Terence OBrien? cried Father McGrath. Arnt you ashamed on yourself? cried out all my brothers and sisters in full chorus, whilst my poor mother put her apron to her eyes and said nothing. The devil a bit for myself, but very much ashamed for you all, replied I, to treat me in this manner. Whats the meaning of all this? Havent they seized my two cows to pay for your toggery, you spalpeen? cried my father. Havent they taken the hay to pay for your shoes and stockings? cried Father McGrath. Havent they taken the pig to pay for that ugly hat of yours? cried my eldest sister. And havent they taken my hens to pay for that dirk of yours? cried another. And all our best furniture to pay for your white shirts and black cravats? cried Murdock, my brother. And havent we been starved to death ever since? cried they all. Och hone! said my mother. The devil they have! said I, when theyd all done. Sure Im sorry enough, but its no fault of mine. Father, didnt you send me to say? Yes, you rapparee; but didnt you promiseor didnt I promise for you, which is all one and the same thingthat youd pay it all back with your prize-moneyand where is it? answer that, Terence OBrien. Where is it, father? Ill tell youits where next Christmas iscoming, but not come yet.
Terence OBrien, said Father McGrath, its absolution that youll be wanting to-morrow, after all your sins and enormities; and the devil a bit shall you havetake that now.
Father McGrath, replied I very angrily, its no absolution that Ill want from you, any howtake that now.
Then you have had your share of heaven; for Ill keep you out of it, you wicked monster! said Father McGrathtake that now.
If its no better than a midshipmans berth, replied I, Id just as soon stay out; but Ill creep in in spite of youtake that now, Father McGrath.
And who is to save your soul, and send you to heaven, if I dont, you wicked wretch? but Ill see you damned firstso take that now, Terence OBrien.
Then Ill turn Protestant and damn the Popetake that now, Father McGrath.
At this last broadside of mine, my father and all my brothers and sisters raised a cry of horror, and my mother burst into tears. Father McGrath seized hold of the pot of holy water, and dipping in the little whisk, began to sprinkle the room, saying a Latin prayer, while they all went on squalling at me. At last, my father seized the stool, which he had been seated upon, and threw it at my head. I dodged, and it knocked down Father McGrath, who had just walked behind me in full song. I knew that it was all over after that, so I sprang over his carcase and gained the door. Good morning to ye all, and better manners to you next time we meet, cried I, and off I set as fast as I could for the ship.
I was very sorry for what I had said to the priest, for my conscience thumped me very hard at having even pretended that Id turn Protestant, which I never intended to do, nor never will, but live and die a good Catholic, as all my posterity have done before me, and, as I trust, all my ancestors will for generations to come. Well, I arrived on board, and the first lieutenant was very savage. I hoped he would get over it, but he never did; and he continued to treat me so ill, that I determined to quit the ship, which I did as soon as we arrived in Cawsand Bay. The captain allowed me to go, for I told him the whole truth of the matter, and he saw that it was true; so he recommended me to the captain of a jackass frigate, who was in want of midshipmen.
What do you mean by a jackass frigate? inquired I.
I mean one of your twenty-eight-gun ships, so called, because there is as much difference between them and a real frigate, like the one we are sailing in, as there is between a donkey and a race-horse. Well, the ship was no sooner brought down to the dock-yard to have her ballast taken in, than our captain came down to hera little, thin, spare man, but a man of weight nevertheless, for he brought a great pair of scales with him, and weighed everything that was put on board. I forget his real name, but the sailors christened him Captain Avoirdupois. He had a large book, and in it he inserted the weight of the ballast, and of the shot, water, provisions, coals, standing and running rigging, cables, and everything else. But I didnt remain long; for one day I brought on board a pair of new boots, which I forgot to report, that they might be put into the scales, which swung on the gangway; and whether the captain thought that they would sink his ship, or for what I cannot tell, but he ordered me to quit her immediatelyso there I was adrift again.
One day I was in the dock-yard, looking at a two-decker in the basin, just brought forward for service, and I inquired who was to be the captain. They told me that his name was OConnor. Then hes a countryman of mine, thought I, and Ill try my luck. So I called at Gouds Hotel, where he was lodging, and requested to speak with him. I was admitted, and told him, with my best bow, that I had come as a volunteer for his ship, and that my name was OBrien. As it happened, he had some vacancies, and liking my brogue, he asked me in what ships I had served. I told him, and also my reason for quitting my lastwhich was, because I was turned out of it. I explained the story of the boots, and he made inquiries, and found that it was all true: and then he gave me a vacancy as masters mate. We were ordered to South America; and the trade winds took us there in a jiffy. I liked my captain and officers very much, and what was better, we took some good prizes. But somehow or other, I never had the luck to remain long in one ship, and that by no fault of mine; at least not in this instance. All went on as smooth as possible, until one day, the captain took us on shore to a ball, at one of the peaceable districts. We had a very merry night of it; but as luck would have it, I had the morning watch to keep, and see the decks cleaned, and, as I never neglected my duty, I set off about three oclock in the morning, just at break of day, to go on board of the ship. I was walking along the sands, thinking of the pretty girl Id been dancing with, and had got about half-way to the ship, when three rapparees of Spanish soldiers come from behind a rock, and attacked me with their swords and bayonets. I had only my dirk, but I was not to be run through for nothing, so I fought them as long as I could, I finished one fellow, but at last they finished me; for a bayonet passed through my body, and I forgot all about it. Well, it appearsfor I can only say to the best of my knowledge and beliefthat after they had killed me, they stripped me naked and buried me in the sand, carrying away with them the body of their comrade. So there I wasdead and buried.
But, OBrien said I.
Whisthold your tongueyouve not heard the end of it. Well, I had been buried about an hourbut not very deep it appears, for they were in too great a hurrywhen a fisherman and his daughter came along the beach, on their way to the boat; and the daughter, God bless her! did me the favour to tread on my nose. It was clear that she had never trod upon an Irishmans nose before, for it surprised her, and she looked down to see what was there, and not seeing anything, she tried it again with her foot, and then she scraped off the sand, and discovered my pretty face. I was quite warm and still breathing, for the sand had stopped the blood, and prevented my bleeding to death. The fisherman pulled me out and took me on his back to the house where the captain and officers were still dancing. When he brought me in, there was a great cry from the ladies, not because I was murdered, for they are used to it in those countries, but because I was naked, which they considered a much more serious affair. I was put to bed, and a boat despatched on board for our doctor; and in a few hours I was able to speak, and tell them how it happened. But I was too ill to move when the ship sailed, which she was obliged to do in a day or two afterwards, so the captain made out my discharge, and left me there. The family were French, and I remained with them for six months before I could obtain a passage home, during which I learnt their language, and a very fair allowance of Spanish to boot. When I arrived in England, I found that the prizes had been sold, and that the money was ready for distribution. I produced my certificate, and received 167 pounds for my share. So its come at last, thought I.