What in Gods name, he roared, fixing his glance upon Alspaugh so unmistakably that even the latters rainbow-clad girls, who had crowded up closely, could not make a mistake as to the victim of the expletives. What in Gods name, sir, repeated the old fellow with purpling face, do you mean by bringing your company on to the ground in that absurd way, sir? Did you think, sir, that it was a hod of brickwith which I have no doubt you are most familiarthat you could dump down any place and any how, sir? Such misconduct is simply disgraceful, sir, Id have you know. Simply disgraceful, sir.
He paused for breath, but Alspaugh had no word of defense to offer.
And what do you mean, sir, resumed the Inspector, after inflating his lungs for another gust, what in the name of all the piebald circus clowns that ever jiggered around on sawdust, do you mean by coming on parade dressed like the ringmaster of a traveling monkey-show, sir? Havent you any more idea of the honor of wearing a United States swordthe noblest weapon on earth, sirthan to make yourself look like the drum-major of a band of nigger minstrels, sir! A United States officer ought to be ashamed to make a damned harlequin of himself, sir. Id have you to understand that most distinctly, sir!
The Inspectors stock of breath, alas, was not so ample as in the far-off days when his sturdy shoulders bore the modest single-bar, instead of the proud spread eagle of the present. Even had it been, the explosive energy of his speech would have speedily exhausted it. Compelled to stop to pump in a fresh supply, the Colonel of the regiment took advantage of the pause to whisper in his ear:
Dont be too rough on him, please. Hes a good man but green. Promoted from the ranks for courage in action. First appearance on parade. Hell do better if given a chance.
The Inspectors anger was mollified. Addressing himself to all the officers, he continued in a milder tone:
Gentlemen, you seem to be making progress in acquiring a knowledge of your duties, though you have a world of things yet to learn. I shall say so in my report to the General. You can go to your quarters.
The line of officers dissolved, and the spectators began to melt away. Alspaughs assurance rose buoyantly the moment that the pressure was removed. He raised his eyes from the ground, and looked for the young ladies. They had turned their backs and were leaving the ground. He hastened after them, fabricating as he walked an explanation, based on personal jealousy, of the Inspectors treatment of him. He was within a step of overtaking them when he heard one say, with toss of flaunting ribbons, and hoidenish giggle:
Did you EVER see ANY-body wilt as Alspaugh did when old Bite-Your-Head-Off-In-a-Minute was jawing him? It was so awfully FUNNY that I just thought I SHOULD DIE.
The sentence ended with the picturesque rapid CRESCENDO employed by maidens of her type in describing a convulsive experience.
Just didnt he, joined in another. I never saw ANY-thing so funny in all my BORN DAYS. I was AFRAID to look at either one of YOU; I knew if I DID I would BURST RIGHT OUT laughing. I couldntve HELPED itI know I COULDNT, if Ida knowed Ida DIED the next MINUTE.
This would seem to be a pretty good time to drop the fellow, added the third girl, reflectively.
Alspaugh turned and went in another direction. At the 9 oclock roll-call he informed the company that the Inspector was well pleased with its appearance on parade.