Frederick Marryat
Olla Podrida
Chapter One
April 3, 1835.
Reader, did you ever feel in that peculiarly distressing state of mind in which one oppressing idea displaces or colours every other, absorbing, intermingling with, empoisoning, and, like the filth of the harpy, turning every thing into disgustwhen a certain incubus rides upon the brain, as the Old Man of the Mountain did upon the shoulders of Sinbad, burdening, irritating, and rendering existence a miserywhen, looking around, you see but one object perched everywhere and grinning at youwhen even what you put into your mouth tastes of but that one something, and the fancied taste is so unpleasant as almost to prevent deglutitionwhen every sound which vibrates in your ear appears to strike the same discordant note, and all and every thing will remind you of the one only thing which you would fain forget;have you ever felt any thing like this, reader? If you have not, then thank God, by way of grace, before you out with your knife and fork and begin to cut up the contents of these pages.
I have been and am now suffering under one of these varieties of Phobias, and my disease is a Politicophobia, I will describe the symptoms.
I am now in the metropolis of England, and when I walk out every common house appears to me to be the House of Commonsevery lordly mansion the House of Lordsevery man I meet, instead of being a member of society, is transferred by imagination into a member of the senateevery chimney-sweep into a bishop, and a Bavarian girl, with her Py a proom, into an ex-chancellor. If I return home, the ring at the bell reminds me of a Peelas I mount the stairs I think of the LobbyI throw myself on the sofa, and the cushion is transformed into a woolsackif a solitary visitor calls in, I imagine a public meeting, and call out chair! chair!and I as often address my wife as Mr Speaker, as I do with the usual appellative of my dear.
This incubus, like the Catholic anathema, pursues me everywhereat breakfast, the dry toast reminds me of the toasts at public dinnerstea, of the East India chartersugar, of the West India questionthe loaf, of agricultural distressand, as every one knows that London eggs are a lottery, according as they prove bad or good, so am I reminded of a Whig or Tory measure. When the newspaper is brought in, I walk round and round it as a dog will do round the spot he is about to lie down upon. I would fain not touch it; but at last, like a fascinated bird who falls per force into the reptiles mouth, so do I plunge into its columns, read it with desperation, and when the poison has circulated, throw it away in despair. If I am reminded to say grace at dinner, I commence My Lords, and gentlemen; and when I seek my bed, as I light my taper, I move that the House do now adjourn. The tradesmens bills are swelled by my disease into the budget, and the checks upon my banker into supplies. Even my children laugh and wonder at the answers which they receive. Yesterday one brought me her book of animals, and pointing to a boa constrictor, asked its name, and I told her it was an OConnell. I am told that I mentioned the names of half the members of the Upper and Lower House, and at the time really believed that I was calling the beasts by their right names. Such are the effects of my unfortunate disease.
Abroad I feel it even worse than at home. Society is unhinged, and every one is afraid to offer an opinion. If I dine out, I find that no one will speak firsthe knows not whether he accosts a friend or foe, or whether he may not be pledging his bitter enemy. Every man looks at his neighbours countenance to discover if he is Whig or Tory: they appear to be examining one another like the dogs who meet in the street, and it is impossible to conjecture whether the mutual scenting will be followed up by a growl or a wag of the tail; however, one remark will soon discover the political sentiments of the whole party. Should they all agree, they are so busy in abuse that they rail at their adversaries with their mouths fullshould they disagree, they dispute so vehemently that they forget that they were invited to dinner, and the dishes are removed untasted, and the duties of the Amphytryon become a sinecure. Go to an evening party or a ball and it is even worse, for young ladies talk politics, prefer discussion to flirtation, and will rather win a partner over to their political opinions than by their personal charms. If you, as a Tory, happen to stand up in a cotillion with a pretty Whig, she taps you with her fan that she may tap your politics; if you agree, it is En avant deux, if not, a chassez croisée. Every thing goes wrongshe may set to you indeed, but hers is the set of defiance, and she shakes her wig against your Tory. To turn your partner is impossible, and the only part of the figure which is executed con amore is dos à dos. The dance is over, and the ladys looks at once tell you that you may save your oaths, while she takes her seat.
I have tried change of sceneposted to watering places; but the deep, deep sea will not drown politics. Even the ocean in its roaring and commotion reminded me of a political union.
I have buried myself in the country, but it has been all in vain. I cannot look at the cattle peacefully grazing without thinking of OConnells tail, Stanleys tail, and a short-docked pony reminded me of the boasted little tail of Colonel Peel. The farm-yard, with its noisy occupants, what was it but the reality so well imitated by the members of the Lower House, who would drown argument in discord? I thought I was in the lobby at the close of a long debate. Every tenth field, every tenth furrow, (and I could not help counting,) every tenth animal, and every tenth step, reminded me of the Irish tithes; and when I saw a hawk swoop over a chicken, I thought of the Appropriation Billso I left the country.
I have tried every thingI have been every where, but in vain. In the country there was no relaxationin society no pleasureat home no relief. England was disjointed, never to be united until it was dismemberedand there was no repose. I had my choice, either to go abroad, or to go mad; and, upon mature deliberation, I decided upon the former, as the lesser evil of the two. So I gaveI soldI dischargedI paidI packed up, and I planned. The last was the only portion of my multifarious duties not satisfactorily arranged. I looked at the maps, plied my compasses that I might compass my wishes, measured distances that I might decide upon my measuresplanned, looked over the mapsand planned again.
Chapter Two
Well, as I said in my last chapter, I plannedand plannedbut I might as well conjugate it, as many others assistedit was I planned, thou plannedst, he planned, we planned, ye planned, and they plannedand what annoyed me was, that I could not help considering that the whole house was in a committee, and without being able to report progress. At first it was decided upon that we should proceed up the Rhine, and not leave off paddling until we had arrived at Manheim, at which town I fancied that I should at least be out of political distance. We read all about Manheim, found out that it was a regular-built town, with a certain number of inhabitantswith promenades, gardens, and a fine view of the Rhine. So youre going abroadwhere? Manheim, was the reply, and all the world knew that we were bound to Manheim; and every one had something to say, or something that they had heard said, about Manheim. Very nice placeDuchess Dowager Stephanievery cheapgay in wintermasters excellentwere the variety of changes rung, and all was settled; but at last one unlucky observation raised a doubtanother increaseda third confirmed it. A very dull placeGerman cookery bad for childrensteam-boats from Rotterdam very bad, and often obliged to pass two nights on deck. A very influential member of the committee took alarm about the children being two nights on deck, and it was at last decided that to go up to Manheim by steam-boat at 4 pounds, 9 shillings a-head, and children at half-price was not to be thought of.
I wonder you dont go to Bruges, observed a committee man; nice quiet placeexcellent mastersevery thing so cheapI once bought eighty large peaches there for two francs.
And all the children clapped their little hands, and cried out for Bruges and cheap peaches.
It was further submitted that it was convenientyou might go the whole of the way by waterand Bruges was immediately under consideration.
If you go to Bruges, you will find it very dull, observed another; but youll meet Mrs Trollope therenow Brussels is very little farther, and is a delightful place; and Brussels was also referred to the committee.
You wont like Brusselsthere is such a mixture, and house-rent is dear. Now I should recommend Spa for the summerit is a most beautiful spotand excellent company. And Spa was added to the list.
Then after a day or two came an Anti-Teutonic, who railed against Germanyand GermansGerman towns, German travelling, and German French, which was detestableGerman cookery, which was nothing but grease. You may imagine, said he, and so have many more, that Germany is more pleasant and less expensive than France; but they have been disappointed, and so will you be. Now, for a quiet place, I should recommend Saint Omeronly thirty miles from Calaisso convenientand very pretty.
Saint Omerhumphvery quiet and retiredand no politicsand Saint Omer was occasionally canvassed.
Saint Omer! said another who called the next day, youll die of ennui. Go to Boulogneit is delightfulyou may be there as retired or as gay as you please.
Boulogne to be taken into consideration many inquiries made and all very satisfactorygood sands and excellent jackasses for the children.
My dear friend, Boulogne is something like the Kings Benchat least most of the people only go there in preference. Every body will suppose that youve levanted. Pray dont go to Boulogne.
Why dont you go by Southampton to Havrethere youll have quiet and amusementbeautiful country about Honfleurscenery up the Seine splendid; and then you can go up to Rouen by water, if you intend to go on to Paris.
Havre and Honfleur submitted to the committee.
But then came Dieppe, and Brest, and the environs of Paris, Versailles, Saint Germain, Passy, and other recommendations, in which every one particular place was proved incontestably to be more particularly suited to us than any other, and the committee sat for three weeks, at the end of which, upon examining the matured opinions of the last seven days, I found them to have fluctuated as follows:
Monday morning, Manheim. Evening, Spa.
Tuesday morning, Bruges. Evening Brussels.
Wednesday morning, Saint Omer. Evening, Boulogne.
Thursday morning, Havre. Evening Honfleur.
Friday morning, Dieppe. Evening, Passy.
Saturday morning, Versailles. Evening, Saint Germain.
Sunday morning, Spa. Evening, Brussels.
The fact was, that there was a trifling difference of opinion in the committeethe great object appeared to be, and the great difficulty at the same time, to find a place which would suit all parties, that is to say, a place where there were no politics, plenty of gaiety, and cheap peaches.
Chapter Three
Paddle, paddlesplash, splashbump, thump, bump. What a leveller is sea-sicknessalmost as great a radical as death. All grades, all respect, all consideration are lost. The master may summon John to his assistance, but John will see his master hanged before hell go to him; he has taken possession of his masters great coat, and he intends to keep ithe dont care for warning.
The nurses no longer look after the infant or the children, they may tumble overboardeven the fond yearnings of the mother at last yield to the overwhelming sensation, and it it were not for the mercenary or kind-hearted assistance of those who have become habituated to the motion of a vessel, there is no saying how tragical might be the commencement of many a party of pleasure to the Continent.
O lauk, Mary, do just hold this child, says the upper nurse to her assistant; I do feel such a sinking in my stomach.
Carnt indeed, nurse, Ive such a rising.
Away hurried both the women at once to the side of the vessel, leaning over and groaning heavily. As for the children, they would soon have been past caring for, had it not been for my protecting arms.
Decorum and modesty, next to maternal tenderness, the strongest feelings in woman, fall before the dire prostratiou of this malady. A young lady will recline unwittingly in the arms of a perfect stranger, and the bride of three months, deserted by her husband, will offer no resistance to the uncouth seaman, who, in his kindness, would loosen the laces that confine her heaving bosom.
As for politeness, even the ancien régime of the noblesse of France put it in their pockets as if there were a general chaosself is the only feeling; not but that I have seen occasional traits of good-will towards others. I once witnessed a young lady smelling to a bottle of Eau de Cologne, as if her existence depended upon it, who handed it over to another, whose state was even more pitiable, and I was reminded of Sir Philip Sidney and the cup of water, as he lay wounded on the field of battle, Thy necessity is greater than mine. And if I might have judged from her trembling lips and pallid countenance, it was almost an equal act of heroism. Paddle, paddle, splash, splash, bump, thump, bumpone would really imagine that the passengers were so many pumps, all worked at once with the vessel by the same hundred horse power, for there were an hundred of them about me, each as sick as a horse. Sic omnes, thought I.
I have long passed the ordeal, and even steam, and smoke, and washing basins, and all the various discordant and revolting noises from those who suffer, have no effect upon my nervous systemstill was I doomed to torment, and was very sick indeed. For some time I had been watched by the evil eyes of one, whom the Yankees would designate, as almighty ugly. He was a thin, spare man, whose accost I could well have spared, for he had the look of a demon, and, as I soon found, was possessed with the demon of politics. Imagine what I must have suffered when I found out that he was a button-holder to boot. Observing that I was the only one who was in a state to listen, he seized upon me as his victim. I, who had fled from politics with as much horror as others have done from the choleraI, who had encountered all the miseries of steam navigation, and all the steam and effluvia of close cabins, to find myself condemned with others alike to groan what with King Leopold, and William of Nassau, and the Belgian share of the debt, and the French and Antwerp, and his pertinacious holding of my button. Shall I knock him down, thought I; he insists upon laying his hands upon me, why should I not lay my hands upon him? But on second consideration, that would not have been polite; so I made other attempts to get rid of him, but in vain; I turned the subject to far countriesthe rascal had been everywhere; at one moment he would be at Vienna, and discuss the German confederationat another in South America, canvassing the merits of Bolivar and Saint Martin. There was no stopping him; his tongue was like the paddle of a steam-boat, and almost threw as much spray in my face. At last I threw off my coat, which he continued to hold in his hand by the third button, and threw myself into one of the cribs appropriated to passengers, wishing him a good night. He put my coat down in the crib beneath, and as he could no longer hold the button, he laid hold of the side of the crib, and continued his incessant clack. At last I turned my back to him, and made no answer, upon which he made a retreat, and when I awoke the next morning, I found that he was too ill to spout politics, although as he progressed, he spouted what was quite as bad.