On the cold pavement a scatter of dead leaves cartwheeled past the car. The sign above the door swung violently backwards and forwards in the wind as, climbing stiffly out, Joss glanced round. It had been a long journey. If she had pictured the whole of Essex as a suburban wasteland irrevocably merged into north-east London she couldnt have been more wrong. The drive had taken more than two and a half hours from Kensington, where she and Luke lived, and for at least the last hour it had been through deep country.
Ahead of her the street was empty of both cars and people. Straight at this point, it ran between two lines of pretty cottages before curving away across the village green towards the estuary. It was only a small village no more perhaps than a couple of dozen houses, a few thatched, two or three timber framed, the last spires of windswept hollyhocks standing sentinel in their gardens. There was no sign of a church.
Taking a deep breath she pushed open the door of the shop which was to her surprise a great deal more sophisticated than she had expected. To her left the window of the small post office was enclosed behind piles of postcards and stationery and racks of sweets; to her right she found herself facing an attractive and well stocked delicatessen counter. The woman serving behind it was small, stocky, perhaps some sixty years old, with wispy white hair and piercing grey eyes. Reaching with a plastic gloved hand into the display for a lump of green cheese she glanced up at Joss and smiled. I wont keep you a moment, my dear.
The woman in front of Joss in the queue succumbed to her curiosity and turned round. Tall, with dark hair escaping from a knotted head scarf, and with a weather-beaten face which spoke of years living within reach of the cold east wind, she gave Joss a friendly grin. Sorry, Ive been buying up the shop. Wont be two ticks now.
Thats all right. Joss smiled. I actually came in to ask if you can direct me to Belheddon Hall.
Both women looked surprised. Its up by the church. The woman in front of her had narrowed her eyes. Its all closed up, you know. Theres no one there.
Joss bit her lip, trying to master her disappointment. So the Duncans dont live there any more?
Both women shook their heads. Its been empty for years. The woman behind the counter shivered theatrically. Spooky old place. Wrapping the cheese deftly in some cling film she slipped the parcel into a paper bag. She glanced up at her customer. There you are, my dear. That will be four pounds ten pence altogether. My husband and I have only had the shop since 89. She smiled back at Joss. I never knew the people up at the Hall.
The other woman shook her head. Nor I. I believe old Mrs Duncan who used to live at the schoolhouse was a relation. But she died a couple of years back.
Joss pushed her hands down into her pockets. Her sense of let down was acute. Is there anyone who might know what happened to the family?
The post mistress shook her head. I always heard they kept themselves to themselves at the end. Mary Sutton, though. She would remember. She used to work up at the Hall. She sometimes acts a bit ga-ga, but Im sure she could tell you something.
Where could I find her?
Apple Cottage. On the corner of the green. With the blue gate.
The gate was stiff and warped. Joss pushed it open and made her way up the narrow path, dodging between overhanging thistles, downy with blown silk. There was no bell or knocker on the door so she rapped with her knuckles. Five minutes later she gave up. There was obviously no one at home.
Standing at the gate she stared round. Now that she had walked a little way out of the village street she could see the church tower partially concealed by trees on the far side of the green. And the Hall was somewhere beside it.
Leaving the car where it was she began to walk across the grass.
So, do you like our little church? Its thirteenth century, you know. The voice behind her made her jump as she leaned thoughtfully on the lych gate staring up the path which disappeared round the church.
Behind her a tall, thin man in a dog collar was propping his bicycle against the hedge. He saw her glance at it and shrugged. My cars in dock. Something wrong with the brakes. Anyway I enjoy cycling on these lovely autumn afternoons. He had seen the pensive woman as he turned out of New Barn Road. Coming to a stop he had watched her for several minutes, impressed by her stillness. As she turned now and smiled at him he saw that she was youngish late twenties or early thirties perhaps and attractive in a quirky sort of way. Her hair was dark and heavy, cut in a bob with a fringe across her eyes eyes which were a vivid Siamese cat blue. He watched as his bicycle subsided into the nettles and gave a humorous shrug. I was just coming to collect some books I left in the vestry. Would you like to see round before I lock up?
She nodded. I was actually looking for the Hall. But Id love to see the church.
You can reach the Hall through the gate over there, behind the yews. He led the way up the path. Its empty, alas. Has been for many years.
Did you know the people who lived there? The intensity of the gaze she fixed on him disarmed him slightly.
Im afraid not. It was empty when I came to the parish. Its a shame. We need a family there.
Is it for sale then? She was dismayed.
No. No, thats the problem. It still belongs to the Duncan family. I believe Mrs Duncan lives in France now.
Mrs Duncan. Laura Catherine. Her mother.
You dont have her address, do you? Joss could hear her voice shaking slightly. Im a sort of relative. Thats why I came.
I see. He gave her another quick glance as they reached the church. Taking out a key he unlocked the door in the porch and ushering her into the dim interior he reached for the light switches. Im afraid I dont know where she is, but my predecessor might. He was in the parish for twenty-five years and I think he kept in touch with her when she left. I can give you his address at least.
Thank you. Joss stared round. It was a beautiful small church, plain, with a whitewashed interior which showed off the carved stone of the thirteenth-century windows and the arched doorways and the brasses and plaques with which it was lined. On the south side there was a side aisle where the oak pews gave way to rows of rush seated chairs. The church had been decorated for Harvest Festival and every window sill and shelf and pew end was piled with fruit and vegetables and flowers. Its lovely.
Isnt it. He surveyed it with fond pride. Im lucky to have such a charming church. I have three others of course with three other parishes, but none is as nice as this.
Is my Joss was looking round. My father, she had been going to say. Is Philip Duncan buried here?
Indeed he is. Out by the oak tree. Youll see his grave if you walk through to the Hall.
Is it all right if I go and look at the house? Is there a caretaker or something? Joss called after him as he disappeared to collect his books.
No. Im sure it will be all right if you go and wander round. Theres no one to mind any more, sadly. The gardens used to be beautiful, but theyre a wilderness now. He reappeared from the shadows and closed the vestry door behind him. Here, Ive scribbled down Edgar Gowers address. I dont know his phone number off hand, Im afraid. He lives near Aldeburgh. He pushed a piece of paper into her hand.
She watched from the churchyard as he strode back to his bike, vaulted onto it and rode away, his pile of books heaped in the bicycle basket. Suddenly she felt very lonely.
The grave stone by the oak tree was simple and unadorned.
Philip DuncanBorn 31st January 1920Died 14th November 1963
Nothing else. No mention of his grieving widow. Or his child. She looked down at it for several minutes. When at last she turned away pulling the collar of her coat up with a shiver against the strengthening wind she found there were tears in her eyes.
It was a long time before she could drag herself away from the old house and walk, thoughtfully, back to the car. Climbing in, savouring the familiar atmosphere of home, she leaned back in her seat and looked round. On the shelf lay one of Toms socks, pulled off as he sat in his car seat behind her, as a prelude to sucking his toes.
She stayed slumped for several minutes, lost in thought, then suddenly she sat upright and gripped the steering wheel.
In her pocket she had the address of someone who knew her mother; who remembered her; who would know where she was now.
Leaning across the seat she reached for the road atlas. Aldeburgh was not all that far away. She glanced up. The sky was a patchwork of scudding black clouds and brilliant sunshine. Evening was still a long way off.
2
Pulling into the long broad main street in Aldeburgh she sat still for a moment peering through the windscreen at the shops and houses. It was an attractive place, bright, neat and at the moment very quiet.
Clutching her piece of paper she climbed out of the car and approached a man who was standing staring into the window of an antique shop. At his feet a Jack Russell terrier strained at the leash anxious to get to the beach. He glanced at her piece of paper. Crag Path? Through there. Overlooking the sea. He smiled. A friend of Edgar Gowers are you? Delightful man. Delightful. Unexpectedly he gave a shout of laughter as he strode away.
Joss found she was smiling herself as, intrigued, she followed the direction of his pointing finger and threaded her way down the side of a fishermans cottage, crossed a narrow road and found herself on a promenade. On one side stood a line of east-facing houses, on the other, beyond the sea wall, a shingle beach and then a grey, turbulent sea. The wind was very cold here and she shivered as she walked down the road looking for house numbers. Edgar Gowers house was tall and narrow, white painted with a high balcony overlooking the sea. To her relief she could see lights on in the downstairs room and there was a stream of pale wood smoke coming from the chimney.
He opened the door to her himself, a tall, angular man with a ruddy complexion and a startling halo of white hair. His eyes were a brilliant blue.
Mr Gower?
Under his piercing gaze Joss suddenly felt extraordinarily self conscious. He did not appear to be gentle or reassuring as his successor at Belheddon had been; this man of the cloth was a complete contrast.
Who wants me? The eyes did not appear to have blinked. Although his gaze was fierce his voice was comparatively soft, scarcely audible as behind her the waves, crashing successively onto the beach, rattled the shingle in a shifting deafening background roar.
I was given your address by the rector at Belheddon. Im so sorry to come without telephoning
Why have you come? He cut short her floundering. He had made no move to ask her in and she realised suddenly that he had a coat on over a thick rough knit sweater. He had obviously been on the point of going out.
Im sorry. This is obviously not a good time
Perhaps you will allow me to be the judge of that, my dear. He spoke with ill-concealed though mild irritation. Once you have told me the purpose of your visit.
I think you know my mother. She blurted it out without preamble, transfixed by the unblinking eyes.
Indeed?
Laura Duncan.
For a moment he stared at her in complete silence and she saw that at last she had succeeded in disconcerting him. She held her breath, returning his gaze with difficulty.
So, he said at last. You are little Lydia.
Suddenly Joss found it difficult to speak. Jocelyn, she whispered. Jocelyn Grant.
Jocelyn Grant. I see. He nodded slowly. You and I should walk, I think. Come. Stepping out onto the path he slammed his door behind him and turned right, striding purposefully along the road behind the sea wall without a backward glance to see if she were following.
How did you find out about your mother? He spoke loudly against the noise of the wind. His hair was streaming behind him, reminding Joss irresistibly of an Old Testament prophet in full cry.
I went to St Catherines House to find my birth certificate. My name is Jocelyn, not Lydia. She was growing short of breath, trying to keep up with him. Jocelyn Mary.
Mary was your great grandmother, Lydia your grandmother.
Please, is my mother still alive? She had had to run a few steps to stay beside him.
He stopped. His expression, beaten by the wind into fiery aggressiveness suddenly softened with compassion. Josss heart sank. Shes dead? she whispered.
Im afraid so, my dear. Several years ago. In France.
Joss bit her lip. I had so hoped
It is as well there is no chance of your meeting, my dear. I doubt if your mother would have wanted it, he said. The kindness and sympathy in his voice were palpable; she was beginning to suspect that he must have been a very good pastor.
Why did she give me away? Her voice was trembling and she felt her tears on her cheeks. Embarrassed she tried to wipe them away.
Because she loved you. Because she wanted to save your life.
Save my life? Shocked, Joss echoed him numbly.
He looked down at her for a moment, then he reached into his pocket and drew out a handkerchief. Carefully he wiped her cheeks. He smiled, but there was unhappiness in his eyes as he shook his head. I prayed you would never come to find me, Jocelyn Grant.
He turned away from her and took several steps back along the path then he stopped and swung back to face her. Are you able to forget that you ever went to Belheddon? Are you able to put it out of your mind forever?
Joss gasped. Confused she shook her head. How can I?
His shoulders slumped. How indeed. He sighed. Come.
Abruptly he began to retrace his steps and she followed him in silence, her stomach churning uncomfortably.
His narrow front hall, as he closed the door against the roar of wind and sea, was uncannily quiet. Shrugging off his own coat he helped her with her jacket and slung both onto a many branched Victorian hat stand then he headed for the staircase.
The room into which he showed her was a large comfortable study overlooking the sea wall and the white-topped waves. It smelled strongly of pipe smoke and the huge vase of scented viburnum and tobacco flowers mixed with Michaelmas daisies, which stood on a table amidst piles of books. Gesturing her to a deep shabby arm chair he went back to the door and bellowed down the stairs. Dot! Tea and sympathy. My study. Twenty minutes!