I respect your choice, either way. Gramma set two cans of diet cola on the counter. Of course, Jay is awfully handsome. Hes dependable and easy on the eyes.
He doesnt love me, Gramma.
Then why on earth did he propose to you?
Karen didnt answer. She couldnt admit the truth. If Allison were alive, she would have been able to confide in her, but who else would understand?
Karen watched as her grandmother calmly scooped ice into two glasses. She worked methodically, easily, content with the silence. Tall and slim, she looked comfortable in her usual flowered dress and low, sensible shoes.
Sit down. With a clink Gramma set the glasses on the round oak table and looked through her glasses perched on her nose. Tell me all about it.
About what?
Whats taken away my favorite granddaughters smile.
I dont want to talk about Jay. Karen pulled out a chair and settled onto the cushioned seat. Or how Im looking thirty in the face and dont have any better prospects.
Fine. Then we wont talk about Jay. Gramma took a sip of soda, understanding alight in her eyes. Most of my friends have great-grandchildren by now. Nora was one of the last holdouts. Then her granddaughter married Matthew and got those triplet boys. I dont suppose Im going to be that lucky.
Dont count on it. I see where youre going with this. Youre trying to get me to talk about my breakup with Jay.
Not at all. Im just sharing some of my troubles with you for a change. At my last Ladies Aid meeting, Lois had new pictures of her adorable great-granddaughter.
Youre feeling left out. Is that it?
Yes, but you dont look very sorry for me.
Sure I am. Im hiding it deep inside.
Grammas eyes twinkled, full of trouble. If you went ahead and married Jay, then in a year or so Id have my own great-grandbaby to show off. Ive got to keep up with my friends.
I see. Its a status thing. Like having a new car or the right house?
Exactly.
Karen ran a finger through the condensation on the outside of her glass. Jay has one semester left at seminary, and then he wants me to sell the coffee shop.
Why is that?
He needs me to help him with his career. A pastors wife belongs at her husbands side, he told me. Then he asked how much equity I had in the building.
I see. Gramma nodded sagely. You and Allison opened that shop together. It would be hard to sell just for the money.
I got angry and so did he. He said some harsh things She took a deep breath. He told me the real reason he wanted to marry me. Because I was someone he could count on. I work hard, I know how to run a business and Im comfortable, like an old friend. He needs someone dependable to help him with his career.
I see. Gramma lowered her glass to the polished table. Ice cubes clinked in the silence between them. Those words must have been hard to hear from the man you loved.
I was in love with him.
Not anymore?
How can it be love, if he doesnt love me back? Anguish filled her. Everyone tells me Im wrong. I should be lucky to have a man like Jay who wants to marry me. Hes going to go far, and hell be a good husband.
They dont know the real story, do they? You havent told this to anyone but me.
Not even Mom. Karen let out a shaky sigh. Shed never felt so confused in her life. I dont know what to do. Am I wrong? I love Jayat least a part of me didand is that enough? Do I settle for friendship? Or am I throwing away something good? It feels as if Ive done the right thing and the wrong thing all at the same time. You were married to Granddad for thirty years, so tell me what you think.
I know one thing. Gramma reached across the table and her warm, caring hand covered Karens. Love without passion is like lukewarm water. Its not good for much.
Then you think I did the right thing?
I think you should do whatever makes you happy. Forever is a long time with a man who doesnt love you the way you want to be loved.
Some of the weight lifted from her chest, and Karen managed to take a sip of soda. I thought you wanted great-grandchildren.
I want my granddaughter to be happy. Thats more important to me than anything in this world, even keeping up with Lois. Grammas fingers squeezed gently, a reminder of the love Karen had known her entire life. Its tough when the man youre interested in thinks youre a cup of lukewarm tea. I have the same problem with Clyde.
Clyde Winkler, the man youve been seeing?
You look surprised. Gramma took a long sip of her cola. What? You dont think a woman my age can have a love life, is that it?
Im speechless.
And do you know what Ive figured out? Men are all the same. They havent changed a bit since 1940. Still as thickheaded as ever.
Surely not every man in existence.
The one Im interested in, at least. Gramma stared out the window, where the drone of Jays mower grew louder, then began fading away. Ill tell you something Ive never told a living soul. Once, I was in the same situation youre in.
You called off a wedding? Karen leaned closer. With Granddad?
I almost did. I was younger than you are now, but back then, girls married much younger. All my friends from school had husbands, and I desperately wanted to get married. More than anything. Oh, what plans I had! I wanted a house of my own, children to raise and a man to take care of.
Which you did. Granddad was wonderful.
But he wasnt the love of my life. The confession was a quiet one, hardly loud enough to be heard above the hum of the air-conditioning.
Karen dropped her glass. Ice cubes and soda sloshed over the rim and onto the table.
Gramma calmly reached for the napkin holder and began mopping up the mess. Surprised you, didnt I?
But you loved Granddad. I know you did. I saw you together.
I did love him in a hundred different ways. As my husband, as the father of my children, as my best friend. But not in the most wondrous way. He never said, but I know that he felt it, too. He tried and I tried. While we made a life together, we lacked something important. Gramma rose and dropped the wet napkins in the garbage container. We didnt have a deep emotional connection. That was something we couldnt make together, no matter how hard we tried.
I dont believe it, Karen thought. Denial speared through her. Her grandparents had always been happy together.
No, seemed happy together, she corrected herself. And as she watched her grammas shoulders slump and felt the truth in the air, Karen realized the pain her grandmother must have silently lived with every day of her marriage.
When Gramma straightened, what looked like sadness and regret marked her face. Your granddad told me once that he was glad to be with such a reliable woman. That out of all the women he could have married, hed been lucky to wind up with me.
Reliable. Her voice shook a little. I loved Norman deeply, but not deeply enough. Just as he could never love me. Even now I wonder what it would have been like for us if wed managed to figure out what we were missing. We were never really happy. We were never truly unhappy. Lukewarm.
Karen stood and paced to the window. She could see Jay in his mothers backyard, pushing the mower. Tall and dependable, he was a handsome man with golden hair and sun-bronzed skin. The faint growl of the engine rumbled through the glass, and looking at the man whose ring shed worn made sadness weigh on her heart. Granddad wasnt your true love.
I made a life with him and it worked out fine. I was blessed. I wont say otherwise. Gramma paused, letting the silence fall between them. But a woman yearns to be something more than reliable or comfortable to the man she loves.
Karen turned from the window, relief filling her. Thats the real reason why I broke the engagement. It wasnt only about the coffee shop. He doesnt really love me, so how will he feel about me in ten years?
Love can grow and deepen with time. Gramma slipped an arm around Karens shoulder. But there are never any guarantees. Are you having regrets?
I know I hurt him. Hes a fine man, but hes not the right one. Ive prayed and prayed over it. Mom thinks Im being foolish. But you dont.
No, I dont. Did the Lord answer your prayers?
No. No confirmation either way.
Youre a good girl. God will answer you. Be patient.
See, thats my problem. Im not good. Im just average.
Average? My granddaughter? Nonsense. Gramma marched Karen to the table and gestured for her to sit. You are a bright, beautiful young woman and as good as can be. I ought to know, since Im your grandmother. A woman my age is wise about these things.
Youre biased.
I guess love will do that. Gramma ran her fingers through Karens brown hair. Do you know what I think?
Im afraid to guess.
You might look good as a blonde. Ever think of that?
What do you mean? Color my hair? What does that have to do with this conversation?
Youd be surprised. Gramma looked up into the mirror on the wall behind the kitchen table. Ive been thinking about getting rid of this gray hair. Maybe thats my problem. If I dyed my hair red and bought a sports car, I wouldnt be the same old reliable Helen.
You wouldnt be the grandmother I know and love.
Im not getting any younger, so why wait? And at my age, what am I waiting for? I want something different than spending most of my days in this lonely house. I want to know passion in my life. Thats what I want.
Karen twisted around in her chair, surprised at the unhappiness etched on her grandmothers face.
You and I have the same problem, Karen. Weve been good girls all our lives and in my case, its been a few decades too long.
What do you mean?
Ive been living a lukewarm life for sixty years now, and thats not how I want to be remembered. I dont want people to say, Helen was nice, at my funeral. I want them to say, Remember the fun we had the day Helen drove us through town in her new convertible.
Karens hand trembled, and she didnt know what to say. Today at the cemetery, shed felt the samethat time on this earth was too short to spend with regrets.
Sympathy for her grandmother filled her. If you want, Ill go with you to the beauty shop. Well get your hair done so youll look beautiful.
Thank you, dear. I knew youd understand. Gramma held her close, and Karen hugged her long and hard, grateful for this grandmother she loved so much.
Chapter Three
Karen was placing fresh flowers on the tables in the quiet hours before the lunch rush started when an engines rumble on the street outside her shop caught her attention. A gleaming black motorcycle pulled into an empty parking spot out front, ridden by a man wearing a white T-shirt and jeans.
Theres trouble, matronly Cecilia Thornton, Jays mom, commented over her iced latte.
With a capital T, Marj Whitly agreed.
With the way Zachs muscled shoulders and wide chest stretched out that T-shirt, there was no word other than trouble to describe him. Karen watched him swing one leg easily over the bikes seat and unbuckle his helmet. Shocks of thick brown hair tumbled across his brow.
Zach might look larger than life, but she knew at heart that he was a good man.
He strolled down the walk in front of the row of windows and winked when he caught sight of her. Eager for the sight of a friendly face, Karen quickly set the last little vase in the center of the last table.
The bell above the front door chimed. Zach strode through the door. Her pulse skipped and she didnt know why.
Working hard on a Saturday, as usual. Dont you know youre missing a fantastic morning out there? Zach raked one hand through his tousled locks, rumpling them even more. He lowered his voice. Id offer you an escape on my bike, but I dont think Jays mom will approve.
You noticed her glaring at you? Karen circled around the counter.
Always. His eyes sparkled, holding no ill will toward the woman who frowned at him from the far corner of the dining room.
Is it too early for lunch?
Not in my shop.
Then Ill have a bologna and cheese with mayo and mustard, on white. Zach nodded in Cecilias direction. Good morning, ladies.
The two womens eyes widened in surprise. Cecilia managed a polite response, even though it was clear she didnt approve of the likes of Zachary Drake.
See? With that kind of attitude in Jays family, it was a good thing shed broken her engagement.
Zach leaned over the counter, a mischievous grin curving across his mouth. I dont think they approve of my mode of transportation.
Its not the bike, Zach.
Are you saying those woman dont approve of me?
Youre crushed, I see.
Devastated. Is Cecilias death-ray glare of disapproval getting to you?
Biting her bottom lip to keep from laughing, Karen donned clear plastic gloves. Cecilias death-ray stares arent hurting me any. I missed you this morning. You didnt come in for coffee. Are you two-timing me over at the diner?
I wouldnt dream of it. Im a devoted man. Not even the diners full breakfast menu can tempt me away from your charming shop.
A loyal customer. Just what I like to hear.
I have to confess I made my own java and took a thermos of it fishing with me this morning.
I didnt know bachelors could make coffee.
You see, theres this little scoop that comes in the can. Its easy to measure.
A can? You didnt even grind your own beans? Karen unwrapped a loaf of fresh bread. Im disappointed in you.
I know, but Ive learned my lesson. Next time Ill bring my thermos over and let you fill it for me.
How did he do it, she wondered. With that dazzling smile and his melting-chocolate voice, Zach could chase away her troubles and leave her smiling.
Hows that car of yours?
Still running, and dont look so surprised.
Only prayers are keeping that heap going, believe me. When it finally breaks down for good, give me a call and Ill help you out.
Unlike you, I have complete faith.
Unlike you, Ive looked under the hood, and that cars doomed, Karen. Im telling you this as a friend. Ive already ordered a used engine.