Then you approve of what the governments doing in Vietnam? She got right to the point, old Clydine. No sidetracks for her.
They didnt ask me.
Why dont you desert then?
Her chum pitched in, too. Dont you want to get out of the country?
Ive just been out of the country, I objected.
Were just wasting our time on this one, Joan, Clydine said. He isnt even politically aware.
Its been real, I told them. Ill always remember you both fondly.
They turned their backs on me and went on handing out pamphlets.
Farther up the street another young lady stopped me, but she wasnt offering politics. She was surprisingly direct about what she was offering.
Next a dirty-looking little guy wanted to give me a real artistic tattoo. I turned him down, too.
Farther along, a GI with wasted-looking eyeballs tried to sell me a lid of grass.
I went into another bara fairly quiet oneand mulled it around over a beer. I decided that I must have had the look of somebody who wanted something. I couldnt really make up my mind why.
I went back on down the street. It was a sad, grubby street with sad, grubby people on it, all hysterically afraid that some GI with money on him might get past them.
That thought stopped me. The four hundred Id won was in my blouse pocket, and I sure didnt want to get rolled. It was close enough after payday to make a lone GI a pretty good target, so I decided that Id better get off Pacific Avenue.
But what the hell does a guy do with himself on his first night back in the States? I ticked off the possibilities. I could get drunk, get laid, get rolled, or go to a movie. None of those sounded very interesting. I could walk around, but my feet hurt. I could pick a fight with somebody and get thrown in jailthat one didnt sound like much fun at all. Maybe I could get a hamburger-to-go and jump off a bridge.
Most of the guys Id come back with were hip-deep in family by now, but I hadnt even bothered to let my Old Lady know I was coming back. The less I saw of her, the better wed both feel. That left Jack. I finally got around to him. Probably it was inevitable. I suppose it had been in the back of my mind all along.
I knew that Jack was probably still in Tacoma someplace. He always came back here. It was his home base. He and I hadnt been particularly close since wed been kids, and Id only seen him about three times since the Old Man died. But this was family night, and he was it. Ordinarily, I wouldnt have driven a mile out of my way to see him.
Piss on it, I said and went into a drugstore to use the phone.
Hello? His voice sounded the same as I remembered.
Jack? This is Dan.
Dan? Dan who?
Now theres a great start for you. Gives you a real warm glow right in the gut. I almost hung up.
Your brother. Remember? I said dryly.
Dan? Really? I thought you were in the Armyin England or someplace.
Germany, I said. I just got back today.
You stationed out here at the Fort now?
Yeah, Im at the separation center.
You finishing up already? Oh, thats right, you were only in for two years, werent you?
Yeah, only two, I said.
Its my brother, he said to someone, the one thats been in the Army. How the hell should I know?Dan, where are you? Out at the Fort?
No, Im downtown.
Pitchin yourself a liberty, huh?
Not really, I said. Ive only got three more days till I get out, and I think Ill keep my nose clean.
Good ideahey, you got anything on for tonight? I mean any chickie or anything?
No, I said, just kicking around. I thought Id just give you a call and let you know I was still alive, is all.
Why dont you grab a bus and bag on out? Id come and pick you up, but Margarets workin tonight, and shes got the car.
Your wife?
Yeahand Ive got to watch the kids. Ive got some beer in the fridge. We can pop open a few and talk old times.
All right, I said. How do I find the place?
Im out on South Tacoma Way. You know which bus to take?
I think I can remember.
Get off at Seventy-eighth Street and come down the right hand side. Its the Green Lodge Trailer Court. Im in number seventeena blue and white Kenwood.
OK, I told him. Ill be out in a half hour or so.
Ill be lookin for you.
I slowly hung up. This was going to be a mistake. Jack and I hadnt had anything in common for years now. I pictured an evening with the both of us desperately trying to think of something to say.
Might as well get it over with, I muttered. I stopped by a liquor store and picked up a pint of bourbon. Maybe with enough anesthetic, neither one of us would suffer too much.
I sat on the bus reading the ads pasted above the windows and watching people get off and on. They were mostly old ladies. Theres something about old ladies on buseshave you ever noticed? Ive never been able to put my finger on it, but whatever it is, it makes me want to vomit. Hows that for an inscription on a tombstone? Here Lies Daniel AldersOld Ladies on Buses Made Him Want to Puke.
Then I sat watching the streets and houses go by. I still couldnt really accept any of it as actuality. It all had an almost dreamlike qualitylike coming in in the middle of a movie. Everybody else is all wrapped up in the story, but you cant even tell the good guys from the bad guys. Maybe thats the best way to put it.
The bus dropped me off at Seventy-eighth, and I saw the sickly green neon GREEN LODGE TRAILER COURT sign flickering down the block. I popped the seal on the pint and took a good belt. Then I walked on down to the entrance.
It was one of those just-twenty-minutes-from-Fort Lewis kind of places, with graveled streets sprinkled with chuckholes. Each trailer had its tired little patch of lawn surrounded by a chicken-wire fence to keep the kids out of the streets. Assorted broken-down old cars moldered on flat tires here and there. What few trees there were looked pretty discouraged.
It took me a while to find number seventeen. I stood outside for a few minutes, watching. I could see my brother putzing around insidethin, dark, moving jerkily. Jack had always been like thatnervous, fast with his hands. Hed always had a quick grin that hed turn on when he wanted something. His success with women was phenomenal. He moved from job to job, always landing on his feet, always trying to work a deal, never quite making it. If he hadnt been my brother, Id have called him a small-time hustler.
I stood outside long enough to get used to his face again. I wanted to get past that strangeness stage when you say all kinds of silly-ass things because most of your attention is concentrated on the other persons physical appearance. I think thats why reunions of any sort go sourpeople are so busy looking at each other that they cant think of anything to say.
Finally I went up and knocked.
Dan, he called, is that you? Come on in.
I opened the screen door and stepped inside.
Hey there, little brother, youre lookin pretty good, he said, grinning broadly at me. He was wearing a T-shirt, and I could see the tattoos on his arms. They had always bothered me, and I always tried not to look at them.
Hello, Jack, I said, shaking his hand. I tried to come on real cool.
God damn, he said, still grinning and hanging onto my hand. I havent seen you in three or four years now. Last time was when I came back from California that time, wasnt it? I think you were still in college, werent you?
Yeah, I think so, I said.
Youve put on some beef since then, huh? He playfully punched me in the shoulder. What are you now? About a hundred and ninety?
One-eighty, I said. A lot of its German beer. I slapped my belly.
Youre lookin better. You were pretty scrawny last time I seen you. Sit down, sit down, for Chrissake. Here gimme your jacket. Its too fuckin hot for that thing anyway. Dont you guys get summer uniforms?
Mine are all rolled up in the bottom of my duffle bag, I told him, pulling off the jacket. I saw him briefly glance at the pint I had tucked in my belt. I wasnt trying to hide it.
He hung my blouse over a kitchen chair. How about a beer?
Sure. I put the brown-sacked pint on the coffee table and sat down on the slighly battered couch. He was fumbling around in the refrigerator. I think he was a little nervous. I got a kick out of that for some reason.
I looked around. The trailer was like any otherfactory-made, filled with the usual cheap furniture that was guaranteed to look real plush for about six weeks. It had the peculiar smell trailers always have and that odd sense of transience. Somehow it suited Jack. I think hed been gravitating toward a trailer all his life. At least he fit in someplace. I wondered what I was gravitating toward.
Here we go, he said, coming back in with a couple caps of beer. I just put the kids to bed, so weve got the place to ourselves. He gave me one of the cans and sat in the armchair.
How many kids have you got? I asked him.
TwoMarlene and Patsy. Marlenes two and a half, and Patsys one.
Good deal, I said. What the hell else can you say? I pushed the pint over to him. Here, have a belt of bourbon.
Drinkin whiskey, he said approvingly.
We both had a belt and sat looking at each other.
Well, I said inanely, what are you up to? I fished out a cigarette to give myself something to do.
Oh, not a helluva lot really, Dan. Ive been workin down the block at the trailer sales place and helping Sloane at his pawnshop now and then. You remember him, dont you? Its a real good deal for me because I can take what he owes me out in merchandise, and it dont show up on my income tax. Margarets workin in a dime store, and the trailers paid for, so were in pretty good shape.
Hows the Old Lady? You heard from her lately? It had to get around to her sooner or later. I figured Id get it out of the way.
Mom? Shes in Portland. I hear from her once in a while. Shes back on the sauce again, you know.
Oh, boy, I said with disgust. That was really the last damned straw. My mother had written me this long, tearjerker letter while I was in Germany about how she had seen the light and was going to give up drinking. I hadnt answered the damned thing because I really didnt give a shit one way or the other, but Id kind of hoped she could make it. I hadnt seen her completely sober since I was about twelve, and I thought it might be kind of a switch.
You and her had a beef, didnt you? Jack asked, lighting a cigarette.
Not really a beef, I said. It just all kind of built up. You werent around after Dad died.
Naw. I saw things goin sour long before that. Man, I was in Navy boot camp three days after my seventeenth birthday. I barely made it back for the funeral. He jittered the cigarette around in his hands.
Yeah, I remember. After you left, she just got worse and worse. The Old Man hung on, but it finally just wore him down. His insurance kind of set us up for a while, but it only took her a year or so to piss that away. She was sure Mrs. High Society for a while though. And then, of course, all the boy-friends started to show uplike about a week after the funeral. Slimy bastards, every one of them. I tried to tell her they were just after the insurance money, but you never could talk to her. She knew it all.
She hasnt got too much upstairs, Jack agreed, even when shes sober.
Anyway, about every month, one of her barroom Romeos would break it off in her for a couple of hundred and split out on her. Shed cry and blubber and threaten to turn on the gas or some damned thing. Then after a day or so shed get all gussied up in one of those whorehouse dresses shes partial to and go out and find true love again.
Sounds like a real bad scene.
A bummer. A two-year bummer. I cut out right after high schoolknocked around for a year or so and then wound up in college. Its a good place to hide out.
You seen her since you split?
Couple times, I said. Once I had to bail her out of jail, and once she came to where I was staying to mooch some money for booze. Gave me that After all, I am your mother routine. I told her to stick it in her ear. I think that kind of withered things.
She hardly ever mentions you when I see her, Jack said.
Maybe if Im lucky shell forget me altogether, I said. I need her about like I need leprosy.
You know something, little brother? Jack said, grinning at me, you can be an awful cold-blooded bastard when you want to be.
Comes from my gentle upbringing, I told him. Have another belt. I waved at the whiskey bottle.
I dont want to drink up all your booze, Jack said, taking the pint. Remember, I know how much a GI makes.
Go ahead, man, I said. Take a goddamn drink. I hit it big in a stud-poker game on the troopship. Im fat city. I knew that would impress him.
Won yourself a bundle, huh?
Shit. I was fifteen hundred ahead for a while, but there was this old master sergeant in the gameRiker his name wasand he gave me poker lessons till who laid the last chunk.
How much you come out with?
Couple hundred, I said cautiously. I didnt want to encourage the idea that I was rich.
Walkin around money anyway, he said, taking a drink from the pint. He passed it back to me, and I noticed that his hands werent really clean. Jack had always wanted a job where his hands wouldnt get dirty, but I saw that he hadnt made it yet. I suddenly felt sorry for him. He was smart and worked hard and tried his damnedest to make it, but things always turned to shit on him. I could see him twenty years from now, still hustling, still scurrying around trying to hit just the right deal.
You got a girl? he asked.
Had one, I said. She sent me one of those letters about six months ago.
Rough.
I shrugged. It wouldnt have worked out anyway. I got a little twinge when I said it. I thought Id pretty well drowned that particular cat, but it still managed to get a claw in my guts now and then. Id catch myself remembering things or wondering what she was doing. I took a quick blast of bourbon.
Lotsa women, Jack said, emptying his beer. Just like streetcars.
Sure, I said. I looked around. The furniture was a bit kidscarred, and the TV set was small and fluttered a lot, but it was someplace. I hadnt had any place for so long that Id forgotten how it felt. From where I was sitting, I could see a mirror hanging at a slant on the wall of the little passage leading back to the bedrooms. The angle was just right, and I could see the rumpled, unmade bed where I assumed he and his wife slept. I thought of telling him that he might be making a public spectacle of his love life, but I decided that was his business.