But thanks to the trust fund Alex had set up, the legalities his lawyer had sorted out to give Alex and her permanent custody of Dawn and, of course, the roof Alex had put over both of their heads, it was nothing but smooth sailing for Dawn now. For all of them. No more running around being chased by bad guys out to kill them. Katie tiptoed out of the nursery and down the hall to Alexs bedroom.
* * *
ALEX STOOD IN the darkness of his bedroom absorbing the familiarity of its dark shapes, noting the differences Katie had brought to the space. He could do this. He could pretend to be a normal man. Living a normal life. He could experience pleasure. Family. Love. He would not break.
Nothing would break him.
Theyd tortured him and screwed with his head and made him kill. But in spite of it all, he had not broken. And to think, hed once believed his father a bastard for training him like a spy. If only hed known just how easy his old man had taken it on him.
Alex pulled his shirt off over his head, not bothering to unbutton it. Cool air blew lightly across his skin causing goose bumps on his chest, back and arms. He kicked off his shoes and stripped off his pants and socks. Naked, he stood stock-still in the middle of his bedroom. Nothing but darkness clothed him.
Memories rolled over him then. Remembered tortures that made him tremble even now. Theyd begun like this, too. Exposed skin, cool breath upon his flesh. Then pain. Exquisite, fiery pain.
And in his agony, all the demons from his past had come calling, singing to him like sirens, calling him home. It would have been so easy to lose himself in them. Then check out of the prolonged agony and go to that other place inside his soul.
But hed chosen the pain. Hed stayed present. Suffered the agonies of hell. Only then had he been sure he was still alive.
Even now, especially now, he wondered if any of this was real. It was so mundane. His house. Katie. The baby.
Was this the cruelest torture of all? Were they going to let him get comfortable and then rip it all away from him? If he knew what was good for him, he would reject it all. He would find the pain and live there.
But that welcome-home kiss...
He swore violently. Kissing Katie might just be worth going to hell for.
* * *
KATIE STEPPED INTO the darkness of the master bedroom and screamed a little as strong arms came out of nowhere to sweep her up against a hard body. Gotcha. I win, Alex announced. You are the worst spy ever.
Mmm, but Im the softest and sexiest and love you the best.
True, he agreed as his mouth closed over hers.
The explosive attraction that had simmered between them before erupted, crackling like chain lightning across her skin, striking further and further inside her as their kiss deepened. Craving twisted her innards into tight knots of desire. She could never seem to get enough of him.
Her clothes went every which way as the passion overtook them, and frantic urgency spurred them onward. Naked and devouring each other, they fell onto his bed. Shed have laughed, except he speared his hand into her hair and pulled her head back so he could plunder her neck and shoulder with teeth and tongue, and the laugh became a gasp of pleasure instead.
He took control tonight, demanding ever more response from her as he kissed and stroked and nipped his way across her flesh. Where she was cold, he was hot. Where she was soft, he was hard. And where she was hungry, he starved her for more.
With hands and mouth, he played her body, using his knowledge of her pleasures and desires to drive her into a frenzy of blind lust. She needed to have him crushing her into the mattress, to fill her body with his, to feel his power and desire as he pounded into her...oh, yes. She needed all of that in the worst way.
But frustratingly, he withheld it from her tonight. Instead, he kissed his way down her body until she gasped with need. His tongue circled her most sensitive bud, wet and hot and maddening until a climax started to claw its way out of her belly. And then his mouth withdrew.
Tell me something, Katie. How bad do you want this?
Oh, no. Um, bad enough to beg?
Is that all? he murmured in disappointment.
Bad enough to do anything you want? she tried.
Youll do that anyway, he replied dismissively.
True. She never could say no to him. Bad enough to cry?
His thoughtful silence was encouraging. Although on second thought, she wasnt sure she wanted to find out how he would make her cry. Hed warned her before that his sexual tastes could run pretty dark at times. And hed just come off a year of pretty dark, violent training, if she had to guess.
Before he could act on her ill-considered offer, she added, Bad enough to say please?
He rose up over her on powerfully muscled arms. Say it.
Please, Alex. When he didnt move, she continued. Please give us both an orgasm. Or ten. I want you so much I cant stand it. Now. Take me now. Please.
In typical Alex fashion, he continued to stare down at her, letting her frustration and desperation build until she thought she might die.
Will you beg me to stop, too? he growled.
Never.
He made a skeptical sound. Cynical mood he was in tonight.
He waited until she all but sobbed with need. The pleasure she knew he could give her hovered just out of reach like a tantalizing piece of candy dangling on a string. Why did he insist on playing these wicked games with her? He knew how he made her feel. He knew how deeply she lusted after him. And still, he made her wait. And suffer. As if he was punishing her for making him feel the same way she did.
She knew why he did it, of course. He hated love. But it didnt make this cruel game of his any easier to bear.
Her entire body throbbed with unfulfilled desire for the sex that was right there. So close, and yet so totally out of her control. If she could only get him to actually make love to her, his emotional barriers would crumble the way they always did. But for now, he fought it. So hard, he struggled to hold himself apart from her. From everyone.
Tonight his fight was worse than ever. His features pulled into a macabre rictus of suffering half-lost in shadows. It was hard for her to look at. What had they done to him?
She put her hands on either side of his face and tried silently to reach past the suffering to the man beneath. But he was lost. His eyes were black hollows. All she saw in them was pain, and more pain.
Come back to me, Alex, she whispered.
His hands went around her neck. They were big and capable and strong. He could snap her neck quickly or choke her to death slowly if he so chose. Soul-chilling terror flashed through her, along with instinctive knowing.
Theyd turned him into a killer.
She spoke slowly and clearly into the hush while he debated ending her life. Do it, Alex. If it will heal your soul, do it.
Gah! He flung her back against the pillows and grabbed her hips, shoving her thighs wide. If hed thought to scare her, he failed. Shed decided long ago that she trusted him with her life. Giving him her body was kid stuff by comparison. She arched her chest up toward him in invitation.
The fight played itself out on the beautiful, dark features of his face above her. He hated her for how she made him feel, and yet he craved those feelings with every ounce of his being. He wanted with his entire soul not to give in to her, to what she represented. Enough that hed seriously considered killing her. He was physically shaking with the effort of withholding himself from her.
She truly wished love didnt hurt him so much. But she also knew he needed it. Needed this. Hed been gone a year. That was a long time not to feel anything nor to let down his emotional walls. If she knew the CIA, his training had only reinforced his belief that feelings equaled weakness.
He plunged into her without warning, hard and deep, his capitulation not quite painful as her body stretched to accommodate him. It had been a year for her, too, and he was not a small man. Oh, how he wanted to hurt her. It was right there in his eyes. But he couldnt quite bring himself to do it, and she trusted him not to.
He might hate the fact that he had feelings for another human being, but he did have them for her. Dawn and herhis Achilles heels and greatest weaknesses. The two of them had snuck past his guard and forced him to join the human race, like it or not. Most of the time, he did not like.
Tonight, he definitely did not like. Rage and self-loathing flashed across his face. Someone who knew him less well might not have seen them. But shed greedily memorized every nuance of him in their brief time together last year. And she hadnt forgotten anything. Sadness washed over her for the lonely child who had grown into this isolated, injured man.
He withdrew most of the way from her body. She braced herself, and sure enough, he slammed into her again. But this time, a faint shudder passed through him. Thank God. He was starting to crack. She opened her body and soul completely to him, allowing him to take whatever he needed. Offering herself up on the altar of his hatred and love.
He groaned his surrender and the terrible tension left his body. She exhaled in relief. One of these times, his walls would not break down. What then? She didnt want to be around when that happened. She suspected his capacity for love would be exceeded only by his capacity for cruelty.
She wrapped her arms and heart around him, drawing him into her as his arms collapsed. His weight crushed her the way shed wished for, and he pounded into her with all the desperation she could have hoped for. She locked her legs around his hips and rode the storm, meeting it with abandon, glorying in the power of it as the two of them flung themselves into the maelstrom and were swept away.
The sex was hot and slippery, with heavy breathing and hair stuck in the sweat on her face, and bite marks on her neck and scratches on his back, bodies straining urgently toward each other until where she stopped and he began blurred and disappeared. And through it all, he poured his soul into her and she refilled the empty places in his heart with her unconditional love.
Gradually, gradually, the sex changed. Grew more languid. Sensual. Personal. He propped himself on his elbows and pushed her hair back from her face. He found a slow, gliding stroke that her body matched with easy undulations born of exhaustion and relief. It was sultry and sexy and made her breath catch in her throat. He wasnt entirely gone, after all, her Alex. The killer hadnt quite won out. Not yet.
Finally, at long last, the massive, emotional orgasm that had been clawing for escape inside her broke free, ripping her apart with its power as she lurched up against Alex and cried out wordlessly. With a drawn-out groan of his own, he found his release, and she fell back to the bed panting.
His forehead rested on hers, and she lazily counted his heartbeats pulsing against her breast. He might win when it came to sneaking up on her in the dark, but she always won this battle of wills.
So far.
Normally she slept like a baby after making love with Alex. He demanded everything she had to give physically and emotionally, usually leaving her drained, but peaceful. Tonight, though, she found herself lying awake, staring at the flickering shadows on the ceiling from the swimming pool outside, worrying about him. About them.
He was fundamentally different than before. Changed.
What had they done to him? Was she an idiot to trust him? She knew in the depths of her soul that he would never do anything intentionally to hurt Dawn. But at the end of the day, could she say the same thing about herself? Thered been a moment there when she thought hed slipped away from her into a very dark and violent place.
It was all well and good for him to insist that she and Dawn stay here with him and play house. But she didnt kid herself that he was in an emotional place to let go of his past. If anything, the past year of training had driven him deeper into that locked-down part of himself. Sex with himheck, life with himhad the potential to be very scary if she ever failed to break through his rage.
If only there was a way to exorcise the demons from his past. The biggest one of all being the one he never spoke of.
His mother. The woman whod left when he was an infant, never to be seen or heard from again. Shed abandoned him with his fathera Russian spy who used Alex as a cover to infiltrate the United States and who brutally trained his son to be a spy just like him. Alex didnt even know his mothers name. No doubt, her abandonment was the source of his rage toward all women. If only she could find his mother for him
Uncle Charlie, a deputy director of Plans at the CIA, did owe her a huge favor for getting Alex to agree to work for the agency. Oh, technically, hed gone to work for Doctors Unlimited, but they all knew it was a CIA front.
With all the CIA resources her uncle could bring to bear on the problem, could Alexs mother be found? Could she lay his demons to rest for him once and for all?
It was worth a shot. She had nothing to lose by trying, right?
Excited at the prospect of how surprisedand potentially healedAlex would be if she could present his mother to him, she rolled over and went to sleep, eager for morning to come.
* * *
IT WAS NEARLY NOON, though, before showers, breakfast and playtime with Dawn wound down. Katie watched Alex like a hawk with the baby, but he showed no violent tendencies with the toddler. In fact, she thought she glimpsed moments of genuine pleasure on his face as he flew Dawn around the living room to the accompaniment of baby squeals of laughter.
Alex offered to take the baby out for a walk so Katie could run the errands shed mentioned over breakfast. As Alex and Dawn headed for the local park, she went the other direction down the sidewalk toward a shopping area bound to have cabs loitering nearby.
Alexs insurance company had delivered a new BMW to replace his wrecked one, but Katie was leery of driving the German sports car. She hadnt gotten around to buying a car of her own yet. Alex had sent word to her to feel free to use his checking account for anything at all in his absence, but shed felt hinky about buying something as expensive as a car with his money. Yes, the account had enough money to buy ten cars in it, but still. She was a McCloud, and McClouds had their pride.
Besides, Washington, D.C., had great public transportation, and a train ran daily from D.C. to her hometown in Pennsylvania.
Shed been home often in the past year to visit her folks. Dawn officially had all five of her uncles and both grandparents wrapped around her tiny pinkie finger. Katie shook her head. She hated to see how bad they were all going to spoil her as she got older.
After seeing the emotional condition Alex was in last night, she probably ought to consider making a quick trip with Dawn to Pennsylvania to let him decompress a little more by himself. But memory of the pain on his face as he fought his demons made Katie long to stay and comfort him. Grr. No one had warned her that the demands of being a parent and a lover could conflict so badly.