It sounds like hell be in enough trouble without that, so I wouldnt worry about it.
It would be just my word against his anyway, wouldnt it?
She nodded. What happened next?
We had to go to the police station, but eventually they said I could go, so I got into a taxi and came here. I never gave a thought to how much the fare would cost until we arrived, but Ill pay you back tomorrow. I clamped my hands around the mug of hot coffee.
Thats not important, and you know Im always glad to see you, whatever the reason.
I do, and it seemed natural to head here, I said gratefully, for as well as knowing Daisy from her frequent visits to stay with us in Halfhidden, Id spent several weeks convalescing with her after the original accident when I was sixteen. She was a child psychiatrist by profession, but I hadnt been her patient; it was just that Debo had thought a total change of scene would do me good.
Very sensible, she approved. In fact, you behaved extremely well, given the shock youd had.
It could easily have been a fatal crash. I shivered. All because he drank too much and drove like an idiot.
Health professionals have all the human failings, just like anyone else, Daisy said. But Im horrified he should have asked you to change places in the car with him.
I dont suppose Kieran ever told him about the accident I was involved in in fact, Douglas probably doesnt even know I cant drive.
He should never have thought of asking you, whether he did or not. Its wonderful that the family in the other car werent hurt.
She smiled at me and pushed over the open tin of coffee-iced biscuits. Have some soothing sugar.
Thank you, I said, taking one and crunching into the crisp coating.
For a few moments we munched in amicable silence.
Then Daisy said with her usual acuity, which I suppose was a vital component of her success as a psychiatrist, Did something else happen, Izzy?
Yes or rather, two things happened just as we hit the other car. One of them was that I briefly went back to Heaven, like I did after the first accident and then I was right out of my body, looking down.
So you went through the bright tunnel again? she asked, interested.
There wasnt any tunnel this time, I was just momentarily enveloped by light and colour and a strange kind of music it was lovely. But right before that, just as we struck the other car
I tailed off, trying to frame the words for what I had experienced, and Daisy didnt push me. Any more than she had when Id arrived by taxi half an hour before in a distressed condition, and shed merely greeted me with her usual, Oh, there you are, Izzy! Come in, as if I was the most welcome and expected visitor in the world.
Shed always made me feel that way, especially when I was convalescing with her after that first dreadful accident. It was during that stay, after a trip to the V&A Museum, that Id developed the consuming interest in textiles that eventually enabled me to help other women escape from grinding poverty. If you looked, there seemed to be a reason for everything that happened in life, good or bad and that thought brought me back full circle to what I needed to say.
I looked up at her familiar apple-cheeked, wise face with its clever dark eyes. It was the weirdest thing, Daisy, just as if time was a curtain that ripped open to let me slip through because suddenly, I was there in the Range Rover on the night of the accident when Harry when I
Thats interesting, Daisy said, because you had no recollection of even getting into the car, let alone subsequent events.
So you think it was a memory?
Possibly, because a sudden shock can bring back things the subconscious has hidden though it can also create new memories, she gently suggested.
You mean, I might have imagined the scene I saw? But it seemed so real! We were going along the lane up towards the Green and the others, Harry, Cara and Simon, were all singing. Theyd been celebrating their exam results and Harry wanted me to go back to Sweetwell Hall with them to a party, but Id already told him I couldnt. If I wasnt home by ten, Judy would go down to the pub to look for me and thats the last real memory of that evening I have.
Aunt Debo, who had become my guardian after my mothers early demise, had tended to lose track of my movements and the passing of time, while Judy, her best friend, whod originally moved in to help with the childcare but never left, was more practical and firmly set the boundaries a teenager needed.
Judy was surprised youd disobeyed her, but we knew Harry must have persuaded you. But to return to the flashback you had, if everyone was singing and happy, that was a good memory?
I suppose so, I said, and though I think she guessed I was still holding something back, she didnt press me. I changed tack.
I had another argument with Kieran on the phone last night and Id decided things werent going to work out or not the way he wanted them to so I was going to have it out with him tomorrow, when he got back.
You did seem unhappy about the way his parents were taking over your plans, last time we spoke.
That was certainly part of it. Do you know, his mother had even started planning a huge wedding in Oxford, when Id told her Id always dreamed of a small one in the Halfhidden church.
Well, Izzy, you certainly couldnt have a big one in St Marys, because it cant hold more than about thirty people at once, can it? And its your wedding, so you must have it where you want it.
Or not at all. And theres more. Theyve found us a house round the corner from theirs, which they think Im going to put that legacy from my father into. Kieran cant see any problem with any of that. In fact, hes entirely failed to see my viewpoint at all, and last night after we argued he put the phone down on me!
Im very sorry to hear it isnt working out, but its better to find out whether youre entirely compatible before you get married, rather than afterwards, Daisy said. If Kierans set on joining the family GP practice in Oxford, youd definitely have to see a lot of his parents.
I shuddered. I dont even want to live in Oxford.
Its a very lovely place.
I know, only its not my place. I tried to explain. I know I wasnt born in Lancashire, but despite what happened there, Halfhidden still feels like home and the one place where I truly belong. It pulls me back.
You were only about five when Debo and Baz Salcombe became an item and you all moved into Sweetwell Hall with him, so you probably dont recall much before that.
No, nothing at all. I think I remember Judy and I had our own suite in the Victorian wing of Sweetwell, where the housekeeper and her family live now, but mostly my memories are of after the affair finished, when we all moved to the Lodge.
Debo does have the knack of staying best friends with her former lovers, Daisy said with a smile. And it made sense to stay in the country, because by then she and Judy had got about eight or nine rescued dogs between them, way too many for town.
Baz liked dogs, too, I said. He never minded when Debos escaped and ran around the estate, or that she extended the kennels beyond the garden into the grounds.
Baz liked dogs, too, I said. He never minded when Debos escaped and ran around the estate, or that she extended the kennels beyond the garden into the grounds.
He was a very likeable, easy-going man, Daisy agreed, for she had got to know him on her frequent visits to the Lodge.
I sighed sadly. He was, and the nearest to a father figure Ive ever had. I missed him so much after he went to live abroad
Baz had been so broken by the loss of his only child that hed shut up Sweetwell and gone to live permanently in his beachfront house in the Bahamas, leaving the housekeeper as caretaker and Dan Clew to look after the garden and keep an eye on the wooded grounds.
Baz had rarely visited after that and never at times that coincided with my visits, though he and Debo had always remained friends and occasionally, I suspected, more than friends.
Kieran absolutely idolises his father, I said, following this train of thought. So hes going to be a bit upset about the accident, though I dont know if Douglas will tell him I refused to take the blame for it.
If he does, since Kieran knows about your history, hell hardly be surprised about that. And if he truly loves you, hell be more concerned with how its affected you.
Im not at all sure he really does love me, and in any case, when push came to shove, he seemed quite prepared to override what I wanted to please his parents.
It certainly sounds to me as if you two at least need some breathing space apart, Daisy said. Things will seem clearer then and you may even find that you do have a future together.
Perhaps, I said doubtfully. But if so, it definitely wouldnt be in Oxford. And not only have I already used some of this legacy they seemed to have been counting on, Ill probably have to bail Debo out with the rest.
Oh, I dont think it will come to that. Debo does stagger from financial crisis to crisis, but she always manages to raise the money she needs from somewhere, she said, surprised. I mean, for a start she can get as much modelling work as she wants and she often pops down to stay with me for various assignments.
Debo had been a famous model in the sixties and seventies, and even though she was now the wrong side of sixty, she was still much in demand. Tall, thin and elegant, with huge grey doe-eyes and cropped ash-blonde hair, she hadnt changed much since her heyday. Judy always told me I looked like a miniature version of Debo, but with my fathers dark colouring and lack of height, though I think she was just being kind
Debo hates leaving the dogs though, so if shes been down a lot recently it shows how bad things have got and this time theres no Baz to come to the rescue, I pointed out. She was devastated when he died so suddenly not to mention the shock of finding out the whole estate had been left to some illegitimate son shed never heard of!
Actually, when she rang to tell me, the main shock seemed to be more that Baz must have had a fling with Fliss Gambol, an old enemy of hers from her early modelling days, even though it was before Debo took up with him, Daisy said. Even worse, shes always blamed Fliss for your mothers death.
Oh? In what way? I asked, puzzled. I knew from Debo that my mother had been sweet, but a bit of a wild child and died young from an accidental drug overdose. I was the result of a brief fling with a married American artist twice her age. Although hed known about me, wed had minimal contact until, to my surprise, hed left me a little bit of money a few years ago. Fliss Gambol was some sixties singer, wasnt she?
Yes, until drink and drugs got the better of her. Lisa, your mother, was very young when she came to live with Debo after your grandmother died and, unfortunately, she fell in with Flisss crowd and under her influence.
That makes it a bit clearer, I said. I can see now why Debo would be upset and Flisss circle must have seemed very glamorous and irresistible to an impressionable young girl, so I understand better how she came to such a tragic end. Poor Lisa!
I sighed. This must have raked up some unhappy memories for Debo. Baz always promised hed leave her the Lodge and the land round it where shes extended the kennels, and instead this son of Fliss Gambol has scooped the lot!
She does have the Lodge for life, though, and Baz may have thought if he left her any money shed spend it on even more dogs, Daisy said astutely. Or if he gave her the Lodge outright, shed mortgage it.
Perhaps, I admitted, because Debo did tend to pour every penny that came her way (except for what Judy could snatch away for housekeeping) on her Debos Desperate Dogs Refuge. Anyway, Ill have to see when I get home. With Bazs son having all the land, she wont be able to keep as many dogs.
I cant see her being happy about that, Daisy said. And I dont think shell want to take any of the money your father left you, either, however desperate things are.
Well see, I said, sitting up straighter. You know, I believe meeting Kieran was a wrong turn. I confused what I wanted with what I was supposed to be doing.
Daisy smiled. I think it all comes down to following your heart. But sometimes you also need to use your head.
Both seem to be telling me to go back to Halfhidden and set up my mail-order company there. I want to go home at last, and not go away ever again, I finished.
Daisy regarded me thoughtfully. Hmm that might still be the shock talking and the cold feet about the wedding. But time will tell.
It will and theres something else Im going to do when I get home, that I should have done years ago: Im going to meet the past head-on, I said with new resolution.
You mean, the accident?
Yes, I want to fill in the blank bits and try to understand why I was driving that night. I mean, I remember clearly that I was working in the pub with Lulu and Cam and that I left to walk home early, because my old dog, Patch, was ill. And then in the car park I passed the red Range Rover and Harry invited me to the party at Sweetwell. I told him I couldnt, though that bits fuzzy and then I remember absolutely nothing until I came out of the induced coma in hospital weeks later.
But youve been told what happened?
Yes, mainly by Lulu and Cameron, because by the time Id convalesced with you and got home again, no one ever mentioned it to me it was like the elephant in the room. Even Judy and Debo didnt want to talk about it.
Well, they did think at one point theyd lost you, so it isnt surprising that they wanted to put the whole tragedy behind them.
Perhaps, but because I cant remember what happened, its always made it very hard for me to accept what I did and move on. So now Im going to talk to those most involved, especially Cara and Simon. I havent seen Simon since then and Caras always avoided me, or cut me dead. Lulu says its because she blamed me for the scar on her face that ended her hope of being a model, I added. Lulu and I were amazed when she married Sir Lionel Cripchet after she left Oxford University, because he is more than twice her age and horrible! But his estate, Grimside, is only the other side of the hill from Halfhidden, so at least it means she lives nearby.
I can see where youre coming from and the need for closure, Daisy said, but sometimes it really is better to let things lie. Caras anger is probably based on guilt because she was sober enough to realise that you shouldnt be driving, yet she let Harry persuade you.