Why? Usually you can
Michael pushed his muesli bowl aside with such force that he spilled his tea. This isnt a usual day. His voice was loud and harsh. Ive got a meeting at nine-fifteen. I cant get out of it.
Sally opened her mouth to reply but happened to catch Lucys eye. Their daughter was watching them avidly.
Very well. Id better tell Stella.
She left the room. After she made the phone call she made the beds because she couldnt trust herself to go back into the kitchen. She heard Michael leaving the flat. He didnt call goodbye. Usually he would have kissed her. She was miserably aware that too many of their conversations ended in arguments. Not that there seemed to be much time at present even to argue.
On the way to Carlas, Sally worried about Michael and tried to concentrate on driving. Meanwhile, Lucy talked incessantly. She had a two-pronged strategy. On the one hand she emphasized how much she didnt want to go to Carlas today, and how she really wanted to stay at home with Mummy; on the other she made it clear that her future happiness depended on whether or not Sally bought her a conjuring set that Lucy had seen advertised on television. The performance lacked subtlety but it was relentless and in its primitive way highly skilled. What Lucy had not taken into account, however, was the timing.
Do be quiet, Lucy, Sally snarled over her shoulder. Im not going to take you to Woolworths. And no, were not spending all that money on a conjuring set. Not today, and not for Christmas. Its just not worth it. Overpriced rubbish.
Lucy tried tears of grief and, when these failed, tears of rage. For once it was a relief to leave her at Carlas.
The day moved swiftly from bad to worse. Driving Stella to hospital took much longer than Sally had anticipated because of roadworks. Stella was worried about her daughter and inclined to be grumpy with Sally because of the delay; but once at the hospital she was reluctant to let Sally go.
The hospital trip made Sally late for the monthly committee meeting dealing with the parish finances which began at eleven. She arrived to find that Derek had taken advantage of her absence and rushed through a proposal to buy new disco equipment for the Parish Room, a scheme which Sally thought unnecessarily expensive. Despite his victory, Derek was in a bad mood because during the night someone had spray-painted a question on the front door of the Vicarage: IS THERE LIFE BEFORE DEATH?
Infuriating, he said to Sally after the meeting. So childish.
At least its not obscene.
If only they had come and talked to me instead.
There are theological implications, she pointed out. You could use it in a sermon.
Very funny, Im sure.
He scowled at her. For a moment she almost liked him. Only for a moment. She walked back to her car in the Vicarage car park. It was then that she discovered that she had left her cheque book and a bundle of bills at home. The bills were badly overdue and in any case she wanted to draw cash for the weekend. Skipping lunch, she drove back to Hercules Road where to her surprise she found Michael. He was sitting at his desk in the living room going through one of the drawers. There was a can of lager on top of the desk.
What are you doing?
He glanced at her and she knew at once that their quarrel at breakfast time had not been forgotten or forgiven. I have to check something. All right?
Sally nodded as curtly as he had spoken. In silence she collected her cheque book and the bills. On her way out, she forced herself to call goodbye. Once she reached the car she discovered that she had managed to leave her phone behind. She didnt want to go back for it because that would mean seeing Michael again.
She drove miserably back to Kensal Vale. It wasnt just that she knew that Michael was capable of nursing a grudge for days. She worried that this grudge was merely a symptom of something worse. Perhaps he wanted to leave her and was summoning up the strength to make the announcement. Not that there was much to keep him. Their existence had been reduced to routine drudgeries coordinated by a complicated timetable of draconian ferocity. At the thought of life without him her stomach turned over.
She was down to visit a nursing home for the first part of the afternoon, but when she reached the Vicarage (IS THERE LIFE BEFORE DEATH?) she found a message in Dereks neat, italic hand.
Tried to reach you on your mobile. Off to see Archdeacon. Margaret at Brownies p.m. Please ring police at KV Sergeant Hatherly re attempted suicide. Paint apparently indelible.
She picked up the telephone and dialled the number of the Kensal Vale police station. She was put through to Hatherly immediately.
We had this old woman tried to kill herself last night. Shes in hospital now. Still in a coma, I understand. I think shes one of your lot so I thought wed better let you know.
Whats her name?
Audrey Oliphant.
I dont know her.
She probably knows you, Reverend. Hatherly used the title awkwardly: like many people inside and outside the Church he wasnt entirely sure how he should address a woman in holy orders. Shes got a bedsit at twenty-nine Belmont Road. You know it? Shes one of the DSS ones, according to the woman who runs the place. Very religious. Her rooms full of bibles and crucifixes.
What makes you think shes one of ours?
She had one of your leaflets. Anyway, Ive checked with the RCs. They dont know her from Adam.
Sally pulled a pad towards her and jotted down the details.
Took an overdose, it seems. Probably sleeping tablets. According to the landlady, shes a few bricks short of a load. Used to be in some sort of home, I understand. Now theyve pushed her out into the community, poor old duck. Poor old community, too.
Ill ring the hospital and ask if I can see her. I could go via Belmont Road and see if theres anything she might need.
The landladys a Mrs Gunter. Ill give her a ring if you like. Tell her to expect you. I think shell be glad if someone else will take the responsibility.
That makes two of you, thought Sally.
I knew that one was trouble, Mrs Gunter said over her shoulder. People like Audrey cant cope with real life. She paused, panting, on the half-landing and stared at Sally with pale, bloodshot eyes. When alls said and done, a loonys a loony. You dont want them roaming round the streets. They need looking after.
They moved slowly up the last flight of stairs. They were on the top floor of the house. Someone was playing rock music in a room below them. The house smelled of cooking and cigarettes. Mrs Gunter stopped outside one of the three doors on the top landing and fiddled with her keyring.
I phoned that woman at Social Services this morning. Im sorry, I said, I cant have her back here. Its not on, is it? They pay me to give her a room and her breakfast. Im not a miracle-worker. Mrs Gunter darted a hostile glance at Sally. I leave the miracles to you.
She unlocked the door and pushed it open. The room was small and narrow with a sloping ceiling. The first thing Sally noticed was the makeshift altar. The top of the chest of drawers was covered with a white cloth on which stood a wooden crucifix flanked by two brass candlesticks. The crucifix stood on a stepped base and was about eight inches high. The figure of Christ was made of bone or ivory.
If you met her on the stairs she was always muttering to herself, Mrs Gunter said. For all I know she was praying.
The sash window was six inches open at the top and overlooked the back of the house. The air was fresh, damp and very cold. The single bed was unmade. Sally stared at the surprisingly small indentation where Audrey Oliphant had lain. There were no pictures on the walls. A portable television stood on the floor beside the wardrobe; it had been unplugged, and the screen was turned to the wall. In front of the window was a table and chair. Against the wall on the other side of the wardrobe was a spotlessly clean washbasin.
She left a note. Mrs Gunter twisted her lips into an expression of disgust. Said she was sorry to be such a trouble, and she hoped God would forgive her.
How did you find her?
She didnt come down to breakfast. I knew she hadnt gone out. Besides, it was time for her to change her sheets. And I wanted to talk to her about the state she leaves the bathroom.
They found a leather-and-canvas bag with a broken lock in the wardrobe. As they packed it, Mrs Gunter kept up a steady flow of complaint. Meanwhile her hands deftly folded faded nightdresses and smoothed away the wrinkles from a tweed skirt.
Shes run out of toothpaste, the silly woman. Ive got a bit left in a tube downstairs. She can have that. I was going to throw it away.
Do you know where she went to church?
I dont know if she did. Or nowhere regular. If you ask me, this was her church.
Sally picked up the three books on the bedside table. There was no other reading material in the room. All of them were small and well-used. Sally glanced at them as she dropped them in the bag. First there was a holy bible, in the Authorized Version. Next came a book of common prayer, inscribed To Audrey, on the occasion of her First Communion, 20th March 1937, with love from Mother.
The third book was Sir Thomas Brownes Religio Medici, a pocket edition with a faded blue cloth cover. Sally opened the book at the page where there was a marker. She found a faint pencil line in the margin against one sentence. The heart of man is the place the Devils dwell in: I feel sometimes a Hell within my self; Lucifer keeps his Court in my breast, Legion is revived in me.
As Sally read the words her mood altered. The transition was abrupt and jerky, like the effect of a mismanaged gear change on a cars engine. Previously she had felt solitary and depressed. Now she was on the edge of despair. What was the use of this poor woman living her sad life? What was the use of Sallys attempt to help?
The despair was a familiar enemy, though today it was more powerful than usual. Its habit of descending on her was one of those inconvenient facts which she had to live with, like the bad dreams and the absurd moments when time seemed to stop; just another outbreak of freak weather in the mind. While she was driving to the hospital she tried to pray but she could not shift the mood. Her mind was in darkness. She felt the first nibbles of panic. This time the state might be permanent.
On one level Sally continued to function normally. She parked the car and went into the hospital. In the reception area she exchanged a few words with a physiotherapist who sometimes came to St Georges. She took the lift up to the seventh floor. A staff nurse was slumped over a desk in the ward office with a pile of files before her. Sally tapped on the glass partition. The nurse looked at the dog collar and rubbed her eyes. Sally asked for Audrey Oliphant.
Youre too late. Died about forty minutes ago.
What happened?
The nurse shrugged not callous so much as weary. The odds are that her heart just gave way under the strain. Do you want to see her?
They had given Audrey Oliphant a room to herself at the end of the corridor. The sheet had been pulled up to the top of the bed. The staff nurse folded it back.
Did you know her?
Sally stared at the dead face: skin and bone, stripped of personality; no longer capable of expressing anger or unhappiness. I saw her once in church. I didnt know her name.
On the bed lay the woman who had cursed her.
Sally found it difficult not to feel that she was in one respect responsible for Audrey Oliphants death. It made it worse that the old woman now had a name. Perhaps if Sally had tried to trace her, Audrey Oliphant might still be alive. The pressure must have been enormous for a woman of that age and background to kill herself.
She phoned Mrs Gunter from the hospital concourse and gave her the news.
Best thing for all concerned, really.
Sally said nothing.
No point in pretending otherwise, is there? Mrs Gunter sniffed. And now I suppose Ill have to sort out her things. Youd think shed be more considerate, wouldnt you, being a churchgoer.
Sally said she would return Audrey Oliphants bag.
Hardly seems worth bothering. Audrey said she hadnt got no relations. Not that theyd want her stuff. Nothing worth having, is there? Simplest just to put it out with the rubbish. Except Social Services would go crazy. Crazy? Were all crazy.
During the afternoon the despair retreated a little. It was biding its time. Sally visited the nursing home. She let herself into St Georges and tried to pray for Audrey Oliphant. The church felt cold and alien. The thoughts and words would not come. She found herself reciting the Lords Prayer in the outmoded version which she had not used since she was a child. The dead woman had probably prayed in this way: Our Father, which art in heaven. The words lay in her mind, heavy and indigestible as badly cooked suet.
Halfway through, she glanced at her watch and realized that if she wasnt careful she would be late picking up Lucy. She gabbled the rest and left the church. The Vicarage was empty but she left a note for Derek, who was still enjoying himself with the archdeacon.
It was raining, sending slivers of gold through the halos of the streetlamps. As Sally drove, she wondered whether Lucy had forgotten the conjuring set. It was unlikely. For one so young she could be inconveniently tenacious.
Sally left the car double-parked outside Carlas house and ran through the rain to the front door. The door opened before she reached it.
Carla was on the threshold, her hands outstretched, her face crumpled, her eyes squeezed into slits and the tears slithering down her dark cheeks. The big living room behind her was in turmoil: it seethed with adults and children; and the television shimmered in the fireplace. A uniformed policewoman put her hand on Carlas arm. She said something but Sally didnt listen.
Michael was there too, talking angrily into the phone, slashing his free hand against his leg to emphasize what he was saying. He stared in Sallys direction but seemed not to register her presence: he was looking past her at something unimaginable.
2
I am naturally bashful; nor hath conversation, age, or travel, been able to effront or enharden me
Religio Medici, I, 40
Eddie called her Angel and so had the children. He knew the name pleased her but not why. Lucy Appleyard refused to call Angel anything at all. In that, as in so much else, Lucy was different.
Lucy Philippa Appleyard was unlike the others even in the way Angel chose her. It was only afterwards, of course, that Eddie began to suspect that Angel had a particular reason for wanting Lucy. Yet again he had been manipulated. The questions were: how much, how far back did it go and why?