Right ladies, settle down, Sarah began. Weve got two special guests tonight who have kindly given up their time to talk to you this evening. Please make them feel welcome. There was a brief round of applause before we got to work.
Michaela and Sarah took two steps back, leaving me stranded.
Right, well, so I hear that you need some educating about boys, I began.
We know all about boys, said the American blonde in the front, her manner smug, her eyes searching the crowd for support.
Give him a chance, Skylar, someone from the back responded. Ive never had a sex talk by a man before. Lets hear what men think about girls.
I wasnt there to tell them what men think about girls, or was I? You want me to tell you what guys think about? I asked. That was exactly what they wanted to know. This was an easy one to answer. But should I give the truth, or the watered-down version?
Men are simple creatures, I began, my mind suddenly blank. I paused and looked over at Michaela and Sarah, and they nodded at me to continue. They seemed as eager as the girls to hear what I had to say.
Men are simple creatures, I started again. They only ever think about one thing, and will tell you anything to get it. Theyll tell lies, and theyll even tell lies honestly believing that what they are saying is the truth.
Skylar, the blonde in the front row, interrupted. What do they want? What exactly is it you mean? She was enjoying every minute of this.
I suddenly felt shy saying the word sex in front of them. It was irrational, but I feared my voice would crack, my face turn even more beetroot, or even giggle.
You know, theyll say anything to get you to play I was about to say play around but that was too ambiguous. There was a long pause as I thought of a harmless way to say sex.
Theyll say anything to get you to play hide the sausage, I blurted.
Sarahs mouth dropped, along with everyone elses in the room, but I ploughed on.
Perhaps that was a sexist thing to say, I said, my tone apologetic. I hear women these days are just as aggressive at pursuing men.
He didnt just say that. I overheard Sarah as she whispered in Michaelas ear, but it was too late now.
Maybe I should tell the boys that youll say anything to get what you want. Perhaps I should be warning the boys to stay away from you lot, I said, deliberately making eye contact with Skylar. By this stage Michaela and Sarah were in an agony of laughter, along with the rest of the room. I wanted to hide, but I couldnt stop.
While many of these girls were already sexually active, they werent adults. Just because theyd had oral sex or regular intercourse, they still had a lot to learn. Being able to physically do something has nothing to do with being mentally prepared, and especially nothing to do with being safe.
It doesnt help that the school doesnt want to deal with sex education, although that could be a good thing. When Michaela had suggested that we stock some condoms in the health centre, the headmaster had initially said Why? Theyre not having sex. This may sound unbelievable, but sometimes its easier to deny there is an issue, because then they dont have to deal with it.
Other than what students learn in biology class, there is no plan, no policy or goal when it comes to educating them about the birds and the bees. Its easier to leave it to the nurses, because apparently we know best!
Whos had herpes before? I asked the girls. No one was really sure. I asked if any of them had had a cold sore, and most of them raised their hand. Well dont kiss your boyfriend down there if youve got one, he wont forgive you. Hell have it for life. There were gasps of disbelief. Youre telling me you didnt know that? It works both ways, except its usually worse for the women if they get it down there. So watch out.
Due to the previous Hepatitis C scare, most the senior students knew about that, as well as Hepatitis A and B.
I asked them about syphilis, warts, HIV, gonorrhoea; they knew nothing, and they began to realise that they knew nothing. When I told them that we were down to the last antibiotic to treat gonorrhoea, and that pretty soon wed have nothing to treat it, they were ready to listen. Even Skylar managed to keep her mouth shut.
I told them about my experiences working at a London STD clinic. The biggest lesson I learned from that place was not to judge anyone by appearances. In the waiting room youd see the most sophisticated, beautifully dressed men and women, sitting next to someone more used to sleeping on the street, and they usually had something in common an STD.
I was surprised when one young teen said that we didnt need to worry about STDs so much in our village, because we lived in the Alps. She seemed to think that our location was some protection from STDs. I soon explained how wrong she was; ski resorts have a disproportionate number of STD cases. And besides, I see cases from school every year with STDs. There were horrified gasps alongside demands to know who they were.
Another girl thought that oral and anal sex were safe alternatives to regular sex.
Hands up if you think you can catch a disease from oral sex. Only half the girls raised their hands.
A friend told me began another. Its always a friend, or a friend of a friend, but it doesnt matter. I listened. This particular friend thought that anal sex meant the person was still a virgin. Id never thought about it before, but I guess technically you could say that. But bugs can spread particularly easily through anal sex, I explained. Its why we often give people their medicine that way.
With my credentials established, the girls wanted to know more. They asked a whole range of questions:
How do you know when its right?
My friend has a boyfriend who is going to dump her if she doesnt do it. Should she?
Do condoms always stop disease?
Can you cure genital warts?
Can you get cancer?
Is it always painful?
Whats a normal size? (Penis size, that is.)
Is anal sex safe?
What is dogging?
What is chariot racing? (I had to look this up on Google, although I advise you not to.)
Their appetite was insatiable, but finally we were finished, and we let the girls go, free to pursue or be pursued. Sarah came over and thanked us. She said that in her time as a dorm parent shed never seen such an enthusiastic response to a sex talk. I just hoped that I still had a job come Monday morning.
When Monday finally came around, instead of angry phone calls or vicious emails, I was approached by a group of senior boys. They asked when their sex talk was. They said theyd heard from the girls that it was the best sex education talk ever. I think they felt left out of all the fun.
As politically incorrect and potentially offensive as my tactics may sound, over the years that Ive been a school nurse, Ive discovered humour nearly always helps.
A lot of students come to me now, especially after I give a group lesson, to speak privately. Its during these talks that I realise how little they truly know and how important it is that we continue to communicate.
Teaching the teachers
Teaching the teachers
We needed some guidance. After my first two sexual education talks, I had many unanswered questions:
What is appropriate for a ten-year-old versus someone sixteen years or older?
Should we even be offering sex education to everyone?
Do we talk about homosexuality? And how do we handle such a sensitive subject given the backgrounds of some of our kids?
Do we need parental consent?
Could we get into trouble?
What should you expect ten-to sixteen-year-olds to know? Is there a baseline of understanding, a bare minimum they should know?
And how much is an average teenager exposed to, compared to when I was at school? Do they learn it all on the internet?
To help us in our quest to provide relevant, age appropriate, unbiased information, we went on a research trip to London. Britain has had boarding schools for hundreds of years, and, I like to think, pretty much have them sorted. These institutions have heaps of resources for matrons, nurses, dorm parents and teachers. Our brief was three-fold. Michaela, Justine and I went to a conference all about sexual education; we invited a sexual education specialist to come to our school and educate us about how to teach; and we invested in pamphlets, booklets, questionnaires, DVDs and online resources to make our lessons more interesting and, as far as possible, more hands on.
With all this new material, I now felt better prepared, but it wasnt until my second year that I got to do another sex talk, and it happened to include some of the boys from my first: William, Chen and João. They had made the transition from junior school to high school, and the powers that be felt it a good idea to follow up from the previous years talk. They set aside the boys common room one evening for me to do my thing.
This time I was armed to the hilt. I had a questionnaire, a five-minute video on dating and even props.
Whats in the box, sir? William asked, as eager as ever. I wanted to keep the props for the hands-on part at the end, but the boys were too distracted for my quiz, so I popped the lid and delved inside.
Contraception is all about correct technique, I said, handing the first penis to William.
No way, thats disgusting, cried João.
Its a bit small, sir, William observed.
Nah, that size seems about right for you, said another boy.
According to the guidelines, were supposed to teach proper technique, and make sure the boys know how to put a condom on, take one off and dispose of it.
I reached down to pick up another prop.
Get it out of my face, you homo, shouted João as William tried to insert his prop into his friends mouth.
You seem to be enjoying playing with that, Will, I observed, before admonishing him for his choice of language, and he quickly cut out his antics.
I handed the next penis to João.
It would have been better if theyd sent us penises all the same size. Joãos was a good two inches bigger than Williams.
Now youre talking, he crowed. All twelve boys doubled up with laughter.
Id started so well, and now it was a circus.
What about me, sir? You got one big enough for me? said Nnakeme. I knew this would happen boys will be boys but I was committed now and ploughed ahead.
Who knows how to put on a condom?
João volunteered, and he didnt do too badly.
After showing them how to put a condom on and remove it properly, they all had a go, no one was exempt, whatever their background.
It was a fun way to start the session, but now it was time for something a bit more serious, and I handed them the test Id borrowed from the conference Id been to in England. They said it was age appropriate for 3rd form boys and approved for use in British schools. I was doing everything by the book. Nothing could go wrong.
The Test
The boys needed to answer True, False or Unsure to the following statements:
1. A woman cant get pregnant the first time she has sex
2. A woman cant get pregnant if the man pulls out before he ejaculates
3. When a girl says no, she doesnt always mean it
4. You can tell if someone has a sexually transmitted disease
5. Only gay men are at risk of HIV
6. If you love someone you shouldnt have to use a condom
7. Girls cant get contraception until they are sixteen years old
8. If a girl is on the pill it means shes easy
9. Two men or women can be in love with each other
10. It is better to wait until marriage before having sex
11. Someone has to sleep around to get an STD
12. Someone can get an STD from oral sex
13. Using a condom can protect against HIV and STDs
I struggle to think what I would have answered when I was thirteen. We certainly had nothing like this test when I was a boy. But the results of this test, and the many times Ive conducted it since, make me think that perhaps students do need such information at such a tender and impressionable age.
1. Three boys said you cant get pregnant the first time, and in every group Ive since asked, theres always one or two that get this wrong.
2. A woman can get pregnant if the man pulls out. On average half the class get this wrong.
3. No means No. Worryingly, on average 34 out of twelve get this wrong. I use this opportunity to talk about rape, statutory rape, and problems with consent when alcohol is involved, and knowing the laws of the country you are in.
4. You cant always tell if someone has an STD. Nearly everyone gets this right.
5. One or two will say true and a few will say maybe. They really do think HIV is a gay only disease.
6. The majority get this right and say false.
7. Most get this wrong, and dont realise someone under sixteen years of age can be on some form of contraception.
8. Being on the pill doesnt mean shes easy. In one class, half the kids answered true or maybe. I also explained that not all people who take oral contraceptives take it for that purpose.
9. There are always, at least, two or three who say two men or two women cannot love each other.
10. Even those from stern religious backgrounds often feel that you shouldnt wait until marriage before having sex. I do say there is no right or wrong answer for this.
11. There are always some maybes and the occasional true, but they were shocked to discover that people can have HIV and have never slept around.
12. A lot of kids think oral sex is safe; often over half the class answer false or maybe.
13. While condoms do protect against HIV and STDs, a lot of it comes down to good technique. None of the kids knew that nothing is 100 per cent.
I had some very interesting results. The information gave me some idea of what they needed to know, and in some cases, showed me how they might need to change their attitude. Of course its not for me to unduly influence, but boys who genuinely believe a girl doesnt always mean no when she says it, could end up in a lot of trouble one day.