The Complete Confessions
Dr Benjamin Daniels
Copyright
The Friday Project
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF www.harpercollins.co.uk
This ebook first published in Great Britain by HarperCollins Publishers Ltd 2015
Copyright © Benjamin Daniels 2015
Cover design © HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2015
This book contains two previously published titles: Confessions of a GP and Further Confessions of a GP.
Benjamin Daniels asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
Ebook Edition © April 2015 ISBN: 9780007569755
Version: 2015-06-27
Contents
Cover
Copyright
Title Page
About the Author
Disclaimer
Confessions of a GP
Further Confessions of a GP
Also in the Confessions Series
About the Publisher
About the Author
DR BENJAMIN DANIELS is the pseudonym of a doctor currently working for the NHS. He can be reached at drbenjamindaniels@hotmail.co.uk and @drbendaniels1
The events described in this book are based on my experiences as a GP. For obvious reasons of privacy and confidentiality I have made certain changes, altered identifying features and fictionalised some aspects. Nonetheless, it remains an honest reflection of life as a doctor in Britain today. This is what its like. These things really happen.
Contents
Cover
Who am I?
Introduction
Mrs Peacock
Tom Jones
Targets
First day
Jargon
Proud to work for the NHS
Drug reps
Mr Tipton, the paedophile
Average day
Tara
Sex in the surgery
The elderly
Bums
Julia
Good doctors
Connor
Janine
Saving lives
Kirsty, the trannie
Its my boobs, Doc
Mr Hogden
Small talk
Notes
Lists
Ten minutes
Alf
Meningitis
Uzma
Africa
Evidence
Carolina
Lee
Hugging
Tough Life Syndrome
Mrs Briggs
Betty Bales cat
Vaccines
Darryl
The pat dog
Rina
Dos and donts
Home births
Michael
Alternative medicine
Thai bride
Dead people
Holistic earwax
Obesity register
Dr Arbury
Body fluids
Racism
Sleep
Magic wand
Cannabis
Sick notes
Drug reps again
Mistakes Ive made a few
Dying
Happy pills
Top 1 per cent of the population
Computers
Kieran
Peter
Granny dumping
Aggressive conduct disorder
Ed
Camouflage man
Memories
Fighting
Class
Tingling ear syndrome
Gary
Beach medicine
Gifts
Politics
Passing judgement
The examination game
Sex
Money
Angela
I dont like some of my patients
Boundaries
Smoking
Angry man
Maintaining interest
The future?
Tariq
Babies
Read on for some brand-new chapters from Dr Daniels
Why do people get sick?
Malcolm
A pair of glasses
Stewart
NHS reforms
Barry
Tuition fees
Please dont outsource our receptionists
Fit to work?
Royal Wedding
Abortion
Taking responsibility
France vs UK
The NHS is brill
My patients are brill
Who am I?
Humans have a universal desire to be listened to and share their stories of pain and suffering. My job as a GP is to listen to those stories. Sometimes I interject with some suggestions or medications, but more often I am simply a passive observer of the soap operas that are peoples lives. With regular appointments, I watch the characters develop and the narratives unfold. Although some of my patients have an overinflated view of my significance, I really am just a walk-on part in their lives. Im like the extra in the corner of the Queen Vic who tries his best to play a small role in one or two of the storylines, but in reality rarely affects the progress of the plot or the big ending. The advantage I do have is that I get to watch the story unfold from a unique and fascinating angle. Being a doctor gives me a privileged insight into the more private and often bizarre aspects of human life and, with that in mind, let me share some slices of my working life with you.
I love my job and have no regrets about choosing to become a doctor and then a GP. This is quite fortunate really, as my decision to study medicine was made as I chose my A levels at the tender age of 16¼. At this time my only real reservation against becoming a doctor was the knowledge that I would have to endure chemistry A level. I couldnt really think of any other reason why I shouldnt be a doctor. What could be better than swanning around a hospital full of beautiful nurses and saving lives? People would think I was great and ultimately this would lead to me finally getting a girlfriend. As an awkward 16-year-old with bad skin and greasy hair, most of my career aspirations were based on what profession would give me the best opportunity of gaining me some interest from the opposite sex. I had accepted that my carnal ambitions would ideally be achieved by being in a boy band or playing Premiership football, but unfortunately my lack of talent in both these departments led to the inevitable choice of medicine. I chose my A levels in the year that ER first arrived on our screens. A poster of George Clooney in a white coat was on every girls wall. Of course I wanted to be a doctor!
On my university application form, I had the good sense to not write that I wanted to be a doctor so I could save lives and hence get laid. I scribbled down something about my love of working as part of a team and my fascination with human sciences. To be fair, I suppose these statements were also true, but it is so hard to pick a career aged 16. The real world of work is always such a mystery until you enter it. When my mate Tom applied to teacher-training college, he wrote that he wanted to help young people flourish and fulfil their true potential. After a five-year tour of duty in an inner city comprehensive school, like us medics, he is just trying to get to the weekend without being punched or sued.
Although Im now a GP, my training required me to spend many long years working as a hospital doctor. I completed five years at medical school and then spent several years working in various hospital posts gaining the experience needed to become a GP. I was a junior doctor in surgery, psychiatry, A&E, paediatrics, gynaecology, geriatrics and general medicine. I also broke up my training with a three-month stint working in Mozambique. All in all I loved working as a hospital doctor but have absolutely no regrets about leaving it to become a GP.