At least Hen has the satisfaction of knowing Daph has no way of stopping him getting Millstone back if he outlives her. But the others that is the Denhams & cousin Clara are going to have to sing her song for whatever supper she may leave them. Mary shows little sympathy for the bart & his sister but she purses her lips on Claras behalf implying her position in the household is less honoured guest than unpaid housekeeper & general factotum!
Made me feel guilty about bad-thinking her Clara I mean now I know shes a poor relative probably shivering in an attic bedroom & scrubbing floors & cleaning grates for her daily gruel & brawn on Sundays!
so Lady Denhams a bit tight with money? I said stopping short of Uncle Sidneys phrase.
you could say that said Mary.
but she is throwing this big hog-roast party next Sunday I said.
Mary did the pursed lip thing again. (I really must practice it! Might come in useful when patients ask my opinion about their amatory feelings towards their livestock!)
the event is financed by the Consortium she said all Daphne Brereton is providing is the location. The Hope and Anchor which she owns is supplying the drink & I gather shes even charging the Consortium for the Hollis pig so as usual she will end up making a hefty profit!
Interesting eh?
Spent the evening playing snap with the Parker kids. Found it hard not to do a Headbanger & win all the time so I rang home just to remind myself what I was missing. Nice chat with mum then dad came on. In a good mood got the house the way he likes it again no visitors just him mum George plus the twins & me where he likes me at the end of a phone line where were both at our best!
Told him about the escaped convie Mr Deal aka Dee Ell who claimed to know him.
big bugger? he said looks like his mam got put to stud with a prize bull?
Got a way with words our dad but I had to admit he was on the ball here.
aye I remember him Andy Dalziel (He spelt it out) hes a copper dont know what he does to crooks but he used to kick the shit out of us on rugby field
he remembered you fondly too I said called you Stompy
remembered that did he? said dad sounding like he was touched Not a bad sort Dalziel long as you dont cross him. Hard man to knock down bet he dented Parkers car! It were him that got blown up by them mad buggers earlier this year you probably read about it if you had time to look at a paper between disco-dancing & getting drunk
Interesting view of higher education our dad!
thats probably why hes at the convalescent home I said.
theyll have their hands full he said give him my best if you see him again
I said I would but not much chance I think. Probably got him in a padded cell after his escape trick the other day!
So now to my lonely bed thinking of you all tangled up with the bronze bonking machine! Just cos Ive given up men forever doesnt mean I cant enjoy them vicariously so give him one for me!
Lots of love
Charley XX
9
Morning, Mildred!
Theyve still got me banged up in bed, so I might as well talk to myself. At least Ill hear some sense!
No. Be fair. Like me old mam used to say, theres some folk you neednt be kind to, but you should always try to be fair with everyone.
I thought Id wake up with the dawn the morning after the great escape and feel right as rain. Instead it were nigh on midday and I were busting for a piss, but when I slid out of bed, I almost fell over. Felt worse than Id done in the Central.
Matron appeared like a flash mebbe shes got me bugged!
Mr Dalziel, she said. You shouldnt be up!
Shouldnt I? I said. Its either that or Ill be floating out of here on my mattress.
She had the sense not to suggest I use one of them bottles, but slung my arm over her shoulders, grabbed me round the waist and together we staggered into the bathroom.
There, she said. Ill just tidy up your bed, then Ill be back for you.
Take your time, I said. Im going to.
I left flushing the bog till after Id got washed up sos shed not have any advance warning and come rushing to help. Two quick steps from the bog to the doorway and I had to stop for a rest.
Matron were standing by my newly made bed, holding my recorder.
Found this in your bed, Mr Dalziel, she said.
Oh aye. Its a sex aid, I said.
Really? she said, holding it to her ear. Whats it play? Beginners instructions?
Cheeky cow! But I had to laugh. And she grinned too, like she knew that my only interest in bed that moment was getting into it and going back to sleep.
I went forward at a stagger, grabbed the recorder off her and fell across the mattress. She tutted and pulled the duvet over me.
I see youve got a visit scheduled tomorrow, she said. Hope you can get down to your physio session in the morning or we may have to cancel it.
But she was grinning as she said it.
Bit more to her than I reckoned. Could make summat of her yet! But need to be careful now shes set her sharp little eyes on this thing. Think Ill tuck it between my legs before I go to sleep. If anyone can get it out of there without me noticing, then Im really knackered! But Ill need to find a better place to hide it permanent if I dont want them having a right giggle in the nurses room. Old trick, wrap it in a plastic bag and stick it in the lav cistern. First place a cop ud look, but cops are one thing I dont need to worry about just now!
So, head down, and hope I can skip them funny dreams I keep on getting and work on a nice little fantasy about Cap instead. Roll on tomorrow. Couple of hours with Caps all the physiotherapy I need!
10
OK, Mildred, I should have listened to you and put my woolly vest on!
Bad night. Didnt get my hoped-for fantasy about Cap but another bunch of them daft dreams about floating around and talking to God!
But my physio went well. Tony tutted a bit when he looked me over. But by the time hed finished, I were feeling lish enough to reckon I could give Cap the welcome she deserved!
First, though, I had to put up with her giving me the bollocking she thought I deserved! Blabbermouth Festerwhanger must have really laid it on thick about how much damage I could have done to myself going over the wire.
I tried playing it down, doing the big bull thing, saying, Come here and Ill soon show thee how poorly I am! Well, she came, and I showed her, and thats when I found out like mam used to say that my eyes were hungrier than my belly.
When I finally gave up, she said, That does it, Andy. From now on in, if they tell you to start the day with an ice bath, you bloody well take it! If I wanted a eunuch, Id have looked in the Istanbul small ads.
Shes got a real lip on her, Cap.
Shed brought my civvies as promised and it were only by promising to be a good little patient and do what matron tells me that I stopped her from taking them back.
When I asked if she had any news from the Factory, she said nothing, except that Pete had told her everything was going fine and nobody was missing me. Hed asked her about visiting me. I told her no way, not till I were properly up and about. Hed seen me at the Central while I were still good for nowt. Next time he saw me, I wanted to be back to something like full steam, else he might start feeling sorry for me. I dont doubt the vultures are already circling over the Factory and if Pete comes back from a visit with a long face, theyll be flapping to land!
Cap said I were daft, I needed my friends. I said I knew what I needed better than her, and she rolled her eyes and said that what I clearly needed was another week in bed. And not long after she took off. Said she wanted to walk over to the nursing home and see her old headmistress whos on her last legs, it seems.
Her parting line was, Maybe thats where I should have put you, Andy.
I saw her out. As I made my way back to my room, who should I see coming out of it but Franny Roote!
What the hell are you doing? I demanded.
Looking for you, of course, Andy, he said. A few of your fellow convies sorry, convalescents are interested in Third Thought, and after I finished with them, I asked Pet where Id find you.
Pet? I said.
Nurse Sheldon. Id have thought youd have been on first-name terms by now, Andy
Well, were not. And neither are you and me, I said grimly. Now bog off!
I wasnt in the mood for chatting with Roote, not the way things had gone with Cap. Dont know who it was said that pleasures are always paid for, but the bugger got it right. My pleasure had been a couple of pints of ale, one of which I didnt really enjoy, and here I was, still paying for it.
Which reminds me. I owe yon fellow Parker twenty quid. Well, it will have to wait. I know its only tea time, but I need my beauty sleep!
11
FROM: charley@whiffle.com TO: cassie@natterjack.com SUBJECT: titled hunks & legless wondersHi!
No reply yet to mine of yesterday. Too busy? Doing what? I ask myself.
Well Im busy too but its not going to stop me finding time to tell you all about it which youd better read therell be a test!
If theres anyone left in Sandytown that I havent met yet anyone of importance I mean they must be living in a cave! Late breakfast this morning Tom & Mary said I should ignore all sounds of early reveille their kids like kids everywhere want to sleep forever during term time but are up with the lark in the hols. Minnie I suspect must have got a death threat warning to keep her away from my door but it worked & I didnt come down till half ten!
Just enjoying a coffee with Mary Tom I guess was out even earlier than the kids! when the doorbell rang. Mary went to answer it & came back with this hunk in tight black motor cycle leathers & you know what they can do for a guys figure.
Not that this one wouldnt have looked good in pinstripes.
6 2 handsome as hell in that old fashioned Hollywood kind of way before the new 3 day dead look came in athletic build wide shoulders narrow hips lovely bum not bronze exactly his face I mean dont know about his bum yet! but a very even & natural looking light tan! OK he clearly thinks hes Gods gift but like the man said when you got it baby flaunt it!
This was Teddy Denham Sir Edward Denham no less Lady Ds nephew-in-law & one of her hopeful heirs! Having heard from Lady D that Tom was back hed come straight round to say hello & check on the now famous ankle.
Mary introduced us & he said Lady D had mentioned me with a bit of a grin to suggest I might be amused by the terms of the mention & he shook my hand with enough warmth to make it personal.
My gaze had been so fixed on him that I hardly noticed his companion which was OK as she made it pretty clear she didnt really think me worth noticing either!
This was his sister Esther beautifully turned out beautiful too if shed give her face a chance. Thought she looked a bit familiar at first glance but her first & only glance at me when introduced made me change my mind. Reminded me of dads comment about the vicars wife like shed bent to sniff a flower & found it were growing in a cow-pat! If anyone had looked at me like that before I think Id have remembered.
She looked like her idea was to say hello-goodbye! but he said yes hed love a coffee & sat down beside me & soon we were chatting away like wed known each other for ever. After ten minutes Tom turned up. He & Teddy greeted each other like old mates Esther gave him a condescending cold fish nod which he took like it was a loving hug! Then Teddy asked after Toms ankle & got the full miracle recovery story.
of course declared Tom I benefitted from instant & expert first aid from our dear friend Charlotte here (this got me a well arent you the talented one grin from Teddy the bart) but Tom went on I feel I must also give credit for the incredible speed of my recovery to Mr Gordon Godley of Willingdene (he stressed the long e & smiled at me as if to say he was glad of the error that had led to me being here in Sandytown) the famous healer whom I hope to entice to join our caring community
As he spoke he did a little jig to demonstrate his recovery. Esthers face had screwed up like a pigs bum at the mention of healer & when she saw the jig I thought she might vomit in disgust. Fortunately for the high polished floorboards her mobile rang at that moment. She looked at the caller display & her face rearranged itself so quick it might have been computer-enhanced.
Aunt Daphne! she trilled how are you?
She rose & moved away not with the usual sorries most of us mutter when the mobile catches us in company but more like shed have preferred the rest of us to move out of the room & leave her sitting!
But the change of expression revived my first impression now I was really sure Id seen her before or her twin! Remember last December the skiing in Switzerland near Davos I gave you a full account about me & louse Liam unlike the censored stuff youre giving me! Dad did his nut till I assured him Id be back for Xmas & it was costing hardly anything travel by bus hostel accommodation bunk beds in dorms which made him think wrongly! naughties would be out of the question. But it was George asking if he could come too that persuaded dad to cough up the readies. The HB thought George would be a chaperone I thought hed just be a bit of a drag but we were both wrong! In the end like I told you turned out he was getting as much action as I was!