Something like that, maybe. But probably not, even if Novello and her little notebook hadnt been there.
Just a figure of speech, Andy, she said.
So youd have gone with this pair? asked the Fat Man.
Anywhere they wanted. If theyd kept it vague Id have got in that car andand what, Andy? What did they want with me?
Thats for them to know and us to find out, said Dalziel. So what put you onto them?
Ive told you!
Aye, but tellings like peeing to a man with a swollen prostate, you think youve got it all out but theres often a bit more to come.
Who speaks so well should never speak in vain, said Ellie. OK. At first I couldnt think of anything except Rosie being ill again. Then when they said about trying to contact Peter and being told he wasnt available, I nearly said, of course he wasnt available because hes on the coach!
But you didnt? Why not?
I dont know. I reckon to start with it was just a case of being too shocked to speak, and that gave me time to think, I suppose. And suddenly it was like fireworks going off in my brain. I found myself thinking, its not just Jehovahs Witnesses that dont drive thirty thousand pound BMWs. I mean, I know the council tax has gone up, but surely the Education Department doesnt kit its employees out like this? Sorry. It makes sense to me, I assure you. At the same time I registered that two or three times they said he when they were talking about the head at Edengrove. Now, one thing anyone in our local Ed Department will know is that the head of Edengrove is Miss Martindale. Not to know her argues yourself braindead. So I thought Id just give them a little test. I made up a Mr Johnson as head teacher. And when they didnt respond to that, I knew something very funny was going on.
So you decided to assault them?
No. I thought of challenging them, but there were two of them and only one of me and if their purpose was as nefarious as I was beginning to imagine, I didnt like the odds. Time to retreat and lock the door, I thought.
So what brought out the beast in you? asked Dalziel.
It was the man. The woman was trying to play it cool, very reassuring, nothing to worry about. She could probably see that I was already sick to guts with worry. But he decided that the more worried I got, the less trouble Id be, and he said something about getting a move on just in case it turned out to be more serious than they thought. God, that really got to me. I thought, you callous bastard! The woman tried to calm things down, but it was too late. I was so angry that I must have been the best advert for gun control you ever saw. Because if Id had one, I would have shot him, no problem.
Not then, said Dalziel. Might have had one now, but. On the other hand, wed have had a body to work on. Nowt like a body when youre short of a lead.
Are you saying youd rather Id killed one of them?
He considered.
No, he said finally. Gets boring interrogating corpses. Serious wound, but, now that would have been nice. Something that would need hospital treatment. How hard did you say you kneed him?
I shouldnt think hell be troubling his wife for a few nights, but I doubt if hed go for treatment.
Wife? You reckon he was married? said Dalziel casually.
Well, he wore a big gold ring on his wedding finger Andy, that was clever. Id forgotten that. I mean, I didnt think Id noticed that.
Not all rubber-truncheon work down the nick. Anything else come to mind, apart from what you scribbled down?
He looked at the piece of paper Ellie had scribbled her notes on.
Man was six feet, he read. About thirty slim build light-brown hair bushy needed a cut left-hand parting brown eyes, I think not blue squarish face open honest expression God the bastards were good!
He looked enquiringly at Ellie.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Nay, its useful what you felt. By good, you mean?
Saying they were with the Education Welfare Service. Thats the council department that helps deal with problems like absenteeism, truancy, bullying, parental complaint, anything that a school finds it cant cope with internally. But what I mean is, at first they came over perfect for it. Nice, caring, positive people
Bumbling do-gooders, you mean? Sorry. Just trying to put it in terms my lads would understand. Clothing suit Prince of Wales check light-blue shirt blue and yellow diagonal striped tie could have been Old Boys or a club on his feet dark-brown sandals
Did I put that? No, he was wearing a sort of soft leather moccasin, no laces, dark-tan, casual but elegant, in fact, they looked rather expensive, come to think of it. Which is what youve made me do, you cunning sod. I never mentioned sandals!
Dalziel grinned.
No. You put nowt. But shoes are important. Change everything else, but you want your feet to stay comfy.
So if he changes into something else because hes worried that I can describe him, he might keep the same shoes on?
Aye, but dont get excited. Not the kind of info we pass on to Interpol. Voice light-baritone range Irish accent
No, that ones not going to work, Andy, said Ellie firmly. I said no distinguishable accent, and thats what I mean.
So not a Yorkshireman.
Not like you, no.
Not deep and musical then. But theres all sorts of Yorkshire voices. Theres that high squeaky one, like yon journalist fellow who used to shovel shit for Maggie Thatcher. And theres that one like a circular saw
No, not northern at all, interrupted Ellie.
So, not northern and not Irish. Were getting somewhere. Scottish? Welsh? Cockney? The Queen? Michael Caine? Maurice Chevalier?
Youre getting silly. No, he didnt have any accent at all, really. Like an announcer on Radio Four.
You think Radio Four announcers dont have accents? said Dalziel. No, hang about, I think Im with you. Its you you think doesnt have an accent! What you mean is this guy spoke the same way you do? Middle-class posh, but not so much it gets up your nose.
Ellie, faced as so often with a choice between laughing at Andy Dalziel or thumping him, decided shed been involved in enough violence for the day and laughed.
Yes, I suppose that is what I do mean, she said.
Grand. Now the woman. Hows she for injury, by the way?
She might have a black eye, and a few scratches, said Ellie, thinking affectionately of the Pompon de Paris. Hey, and there could be a few threads from her dress hooked on the rose bush by the front door.
Well check. So. Age thirties five-eight or -nine dark eyes long face not bad-looking expensive make-up whats the difference between expensive and not so expensive?
The more you pay, the less you see.
Like sending your kids to public school. Hair black natural short classy stylist I wont ask build slim good figure theres that good again. Know what I mean by good, but whats it signify to you?
Youre getting silly. No, he didnt have any accent at all, really. Like an announcer on Radio Four.
You think Radio Four announcers dont have accents? said Dalziel. No, hang about, I think Im with you. Its you you think doesnt have an accent! What you mean is this guy spoke the same way you do? Middle-class posh, but not so much it gets up your nose.
Ellie, faced as so often with a choice between laughing at Andy Dalziel or thumping him, decided shed been involved in enough violence for the day and laughed.
Yes, I suppose that is what I do mean, she said.
Grand. Now the woman. Hows she for injury, by the way?
She might have a black eye, and a few scratches, said Ellie, thinking affectionately of the Pompon de Paris. Hey, and there could be a few threads from her dress hooked on the rose bush by the front door.
Well check. So. Age thirties five-eight or -nine dark eyes long face not bad-looking expensive make-up whats the difference between expensive and not so expensive?
The more you pay, the less you see.
Like sending your kids to public school. Hair black natural short classy stylist I wont ask build slim good figure theres that good again. Know what I mean by good, but whats it signify to you?
Ellie threw an exasperated glance at Shirley Novello who returned it blankly.
Well, Im sure that to you, Andy, a good figure suggests something like two footballs in a gunny bag, but what I mean is something you can sees there but all in proportion, back, front, and middle, OK?
Like you, you mean? said Dalziel, looking at her appreciatively. In fact, sounds a lot like you, except mebbe for the expensive make-up. Joke. Now, clothing olive-green cotton dress sleeveless leather shoulder bag no stockings pale-green sling-back shoes. Was she married?
Ellie thought then said, Yes, she was wearing a wedding ring. And she had a ring on her right-hand middle finger too. Green stone. Plus a wristwatch. Expanding bracelet, gold, I think. Sorry, I should have put that down.
Youre doing fine. The watch on the same hand as the ring?
Yes. The right. Hey, that means
She could be left-handed. Thats summat. Voice husky accent Midlandish. Birmingham? Wolverhampton? Black Country?
Any. It was just a patina, so to speak, not a full-blown accent.
Might have made it to Radio Four, eh? Hello, here comes Smiler again.
Wield had re-entered the room.
He said, Weve got Peter, and handed Ellie the mobile phone, then looked at Dalziel and jerked his head doorwards, suggesting they leave.
The Fat Man yawned, scratched his nose and poured himself another Scotch.
Peter! Yes, yes, Im fine, really And you two thats great, I knew you would be, but I just wanted to hear it from your own lips Wieldys told you all about it, Im sure honestly, no harm done Well, youll guess I was a bit shook up at first, but once I realized it was just a stupid jape what else could it be? No, no, dont do that. I dont want Rosie worried. Just carry on, enjoy the rest of the day Im fine, really no, I wont be on my own, and youre not due back late give my love to Rose and you too yes, I will, I do yes, hes here. Bye, darling.
She handed the phone to Dalziel, then bowed her head and let out a deep breath as she relaxed from the effort of keeping her feelings in check. The temptation to let it all flood out as soon as she heard Peters voice had been very strong, which was probably why the fat bastard had stayed in the room. She looked up to find Wield watching her, and jerked her head at him in a mirror image of his own gesture, then led him outside.
Well, thats a relief, she said in the hall.
Novello had followed them out. Dalziel must have dismissed her. All right for her to hear me spilling my guts, but not to eavesdrop on his conversation with Peter, thought Ellie.
Youre looking a lot better, said Wield.
Yes? Well, I suppose a lot of thats down to Andy, though I hate to say it. Hes
Good? offered Wield.
Lets not go overboard. Hes subtler than I imagined. In a very unsubtle way, of course. So what happens now, Wieldy? You all go away and start to wonder if maybe it wasnt just an over-reaction by a hysterical woman after all?
No. We go away and dont rest till we find out whats been going on here.
Any ideas in the pipeline?
She saw Novellos brow crinkle as if she might have something to say, but before she could speak, if that were her intention, Wield said very firmly, No.
Ellie looked into that violently contoured face in which nothing was readable except the affection in his eyes and wondered if the No was a lie or the truth.
And which of them would she find more comfort in?
iv
spelt from Sibyls leaves
Edgar Wield
Edgar Wield
biking through the glen
Poof.
Perve.
Shirtlifter.
Arse bandit.
All these and more figured in Gaw Sempernels brief remarks when he dropped by in person to tell me to add Sergeant Wield to his current operational folder which, with what he probably sees as subtle wit, he has christened Sibyls Leaves.
Its not often Gaw and I meet face to face these days.
Well, not face to face exactly, he towering, I at wheelchair level, his eyes never meeting mine direct, mine looking straight at his immaculately tailored crotch.
If I reached out and touched him, how would he react?
Not, I suspect, as once I could make him react just by smiling and moistening my lips at him across a crowded committee room.
Reasons for inclusion? I asked him.
Because I say so, hovered in the air between us.
Then the famous Sempernel diplomacy clicked in and he said, Close associate of Dalziel and Pascoe, very friendly with Eleanor Pascoe, lives with Edwin Digweed, former solicitor, struck off shortly after qualifying when he was convicted of committing an act of gross indecency with a gentleman whose voice is now listened to with great attention when he speaks from, appropriately enough, the cross-benches in the Upper Chamber. It was theorized at the time by our masters that, had not the case become public, it might have been a prelude to long-term political blackmail.
Grounds? I asked, fingers poised.
Irrelevant now, he said dismissively. Point is, here we have a policeman whose private life makes him vulnerable. The only way hes been able to survive is with the protection of his superiors, and we would be wise, Im sure youll agree, to ask ourselves why that has been given.
Youre not suggesting that Superintendent Dalziel and DCI Pascoe are gay? I exclaimed.
If they were, that would make things simple, he said pompously. It is the fact that they probably are not that I find sinister.