Is he still alive only because hes a Dragon and theyre so bloody hard to kill?
Probably. Were going to need to change, he added.
Why?
Fiefs.
Theyve got a Dragon for a fieflord. Hes trying to institute reasonable lawsand install the people wholl enforce them. I dont think the Hawk is going to matter one way or the other.
He folded his arms across his chest, and Kaylin grimaced. All right, Ill ditch the tabard, but Im not ditching the armor until I have a better idea of what were likely to be up against.
Severn rose and headed toward the window view that Kaylin liked so much. From the slight angle of the back of his head, Kaylin guessed that he was looking at the Halls of Law, or at the flags that stood atop each of its three towers. But after a minute, he turned.
We havent talked, he said after a long pause.
About what?
He didnt dignify the question with an answer, which was fair. Kaylin shifted in her chair in a way that was suspiciously like squirming. She hesitated, glad that there wasnt much in the way of food; the only time she had trouble eating was when she was nervous, and a life of near starvation hadnt managed to kill that response.
Severn said nothing, not with words. But he watched, gaze almost unblinking. It was hard to meet that gaze, and the floor suddenly became a whole lot more interesting.
I dont She wasnt one of natures natural liars, and Severn deserved better than that. Plus, hed know. He always did. I almost cant remember most of what happened when I was trapped in theOther. No, thats not what I mean I remember it, it just doesnt make sense. Here, she said, thumping the ground heavily with her foot, things are solid. The wood is hard. The carpet is soft. Theres wind and the noise of the street. Well, the halls, but you know what I mean. Theres food. There are people.
There are no elements wandering around. There are no true names floating in the air like signposts. Its normalits normal, but its less
Clean?
Maybe. Less simple. Everything there was absolute. To speak to any of itelements, emptinessI had to be as absolute as I could. I didnt have time to be afraid.
You were afraid.
She grimaced. Yes, but on most days I have a half-dozen different fears pulling me in different directions; I balance them.
So, youre afraid?
No! She paused and looked up at his face again. Maybe.
Can you tell me what youre afraid of?
On the wrong day? My own shadow. It was a dodge, and he knew it. Im not good at this. I suck at talking about anything really important.
You asked me why I love you.
She nodded; she could hardly forget that.
Can I ask you the same question?
Severn
Why do you love me?
She wanted to lie then. It was such a visceral reaction, her mouth was open and words were almost falling out. But she held them, offering different words in their stead. Because youve always been there for me. Even, apparently, when I didnt know it. Theres nothing youve got that you wouldnt give me if I asked for it. You know me. You understand me. Youve seen me at my worst, and youre still here. She sucked in air. Youll never ask me to do anything I cant do. Youd never ask me to do anything that would hurt me. Youre stronger than I am, Severn. You always have been.
I admire it. Irely on it, even when I shouldnt.
Kaylin, you think relying on anyone is proof that youre worthless.
NoI dont. I dont anymore. I did. Its true. Butif we cant rely on each other some of the time, thered be no point.
No point?
No point in people existing at all. Thered be just one thing. If what I heard was true, thats all there was for a long time.
Then I dont see the problem.
No, you dont. She rose and began to pace. And IIm not good at talking.
He waited, because he was good at waiting. Are you afraid of losing me?
Yes. But not because you leave. Because youll die. Gods, she hated this. She was squirming, he knew it. Im afraid, she finally said in as neutral a voice as she could manage, that you want me.
Want?
Want. Desire.
He stared at her. This was different from watchfulness. Youre not afraid of wanting me.
No.
But you dont.
She walked to the window. Touched it with both her palms, framing the three Towers of Law that formed the triangular structure she called home. Its not that I dont, she finally said. But Im not afraid of what I want. Nosometimes I am, but not in that way. Im not afraid of what it will do to me.
And to me?
She shook her head. I dont have a lot of experience, she finally said. But the experience I do haveits all bad, Severn. Swallowing, throat becoming drier by the syllable, she made herself continue, because it was important. If I had been prettier, if I had been more helpless, I would have been forced into one of Barrens brothels. If Morse hadnt found me, if someone else had found me first
I know that life. I understand what it means. I understand what sex is between the girls who werent as lucky and the men who see them as something to buy. Its about power, its about money, its aboutsex.
Kaylin
No, let me finish, because I dont know that Ill ever be able to say this again. For those girls, thats all it is. If they love anyone, if they can, they mostly love each other because men are just business, or far worse. Theres no room in that for anything else.
I didnt have to suffer that. She closed her eyes, blocking out the Halls of Lawand the temerity of her own transparent reflection. I had Barren, she said in a much lower voice. I dontI canttalk about that. Not directly. Not yet. But you understand what I mean, right?
He was silent.
I didnt want him. I never did. He was everything ugly to me, everything I feared. Everything I would have run from if I could. I cant think why I didnt. I would never be so afraid of him now. ButI wasnt me, then.
I remember him so well. I have nightmares about him. But I did what he wanted me to do because he wanted me to do it. I killed people because he wanted it. I She wanted to choke. I can still see his face. When I think ofwhen Iits his face. Its his expression. I dont know if it was desire. I think it was. It was certainly about power. His, my lack. It was always about power. She opened her eyes again. She could see echoes of her face, of her distant, thirteen-year-old face, in the glass.
Im afraid. Of seeing that. Of seeing that desire on anyone elses face. Its me I dont trust.
Kaylin
I tried, she continued, not looking at him. When I was seventeen. I tried. Wed gone out together, wed done a little drinking. I was attracted to him. I did want to be with him. He knew it; I knew it. We went back to his placeit was about the same size as mine.
And he kissed me, and that was fineit was awkward, but it was fine. Butthere was more. II froze, and then II couldnt stop myself. I broke his jaw. Teela thought it was funny. I panicked, Ihe didnt speak to me again for two months, and I dont blame him. Its just Iits what I saw. Its what I saw in his expression. And he was a nice guy, Severn. He was a nice, decent guy. I knew he wasnt Barren. I wasnt thirteen. I wasnt helpless, and I had a choice.
But knowing all that didnt matter. I couldnt look at him. I couldnt see that look on his face, that expression. I just She hit the glass hard. Nothing happened. I dont want to see that in you. She turned then.
He was still standing, still watching her. And Nightshade?
It was so not the question she wanted to hear. She recoiled from it, as if it were a cockroach colony and she were food. But what she said was, Ask me again later. I dont have an answer, and I dont want to find one right now.
Because he was Severn, he nodded. He didnt ask about their future; didnt ask if they even had one. He didnt ask her for empty words or for promises that she couldnt make or wouldnt keep.
Sanabalis took forty-five minutes to return, and if there had been any doubt about why hed left, the distant, booming roar of Dragon discussion shook the floors. It was far enough away that Kaylin didnt try to cover her ears. She wondered if it was possible to learn the language without being deafened.
Sanabalis, however, returned in different clothing. It wasnt armor exactlyDragons didnt wear any armor that wasnt natural. The wearing of their own armor in human form, however, made actual clothing difficult. He nodded his brief approval when he saw no obvious sign of the Hawk on their clothing. A carriage will be waiting for us in the yard.
The carriage took them to the Ablayne, no farther. Given that it was an Imperial Carriage, Kaylin understood why. Dragons were touchy about their personal land. Even Tiamaris. She glanced at Sanabalis.
Im surprised, she finally said, when they stood at the foot of the bridge that led into the fief of Tiamaris.
What surprises you?
Youre coming with us. She glanced at Severn; Severn was content to leave the conversation in her hands for the moment.
Oh?
Youre a Dragon. Hes a Dragon. Its his territory and you serve the Emperor, which would be, for his purposes, the wrong Dragon.
Sanabalis lifted a brow, and then a faint smile moved the corners of his lips. Not by much, though. It is, as you surmise, tricky. I have been Lord Tiamariss teacher, and I am definitely his senior; I am his superior in most areas of knowledge. He, however, has always possessed better information about the fiefs as they are now than any of the rest of the Dragon Court. I do not serve Lord Tiamaris.
But Lord Tiamaris serves the Emperor as a member of the Dragon Court. Therefore accommodations can be requested.
Im surprised Diarmat allowed it.
Lord Diarmat is not the Emperor. He is, as youve no doubt surmised, the most conservative member of the Court, and not without reason. Lord Tiamaris accepted the Emperors request that I oversee some of the resettlement. The Emperor is concerned.
Kaylin nodded and led the way toward the Tower automatically. Sanabalis, however, shook his head. Lord Tiamaris is not currently at the Tower; he is waiting near the interior border.
Why?
There have been some difficulties. And no, before you ask, I will not elaborate. This is his domain, Kaylin; he will tell you what he wishes you to know. The etiquette that governs my presence here is of necessity more strict than any etiquette that governs yours.
The walk to the border took longer than the walk to the Tower. The streets werent emptybut they were empty compared to the stretch of beat that Kaylin and Severn normally covered. Here and there, some obvious reconstruction was already under way, and in those locations, there were more people; they were busy enough that three strangers passing by didnt elicit panic, although it did elicit the usual suspicious looks that were at home on the face of fief citizens anywhere.
Sanabalis paused when Kaylin did, and resumed walking when Kaylin did; he didnt make any comment or otherwise attempt to interact with people. He did, however, pause in front of the small gardens that seemed to front most of the buildings along the streets.
Its Taras experiment, Kaylin told him. These gardens, unlike the usual streetside fare, were entirely practical, and given to the growing of food. I think some of the more damaged areas now have no buildings; they have larger gardenssmall farms, really.
And the former occupants?
They lost a lot of people before Tiamaris took the Tower. And even if they hadnt, no one would be stupid enough to complain to the fieflord about something as inconsequential as having a place to live. She didnt even attempt to keep the bitterness out of her voice, although she knew that particular fear was no longer warranted in this fief.
You are wrong, Sanabalis said. It surprised her.
People complain to Tiamaris about having no roof over their head?
Ah, no. They do, however, speak to the Lady.
They have to get through Tiamaris first.
No. Apparently, they dont. She hears them regardless.
Kaylin smiled. Shes nowhere near as terrifying as Tiamaris.
No, and that is strange to me; Lord Tiamaris has the hearing that all our race are born with. He cannot hear the words the people speak if they are judicious about their location; the Avatar can. She can also see what she chooses to see, if she bends her will toward it, no matter where within the fiefs boundaries it occurs. But she invokes a very strange awe in her people, and very little dread.
Have you met Tara?
I have.
And you dont understand why she doesnt terrify them?
No, I do not.
Was she wearing her gardening clothing?
I fail to see what her clothing has to do with the subject at hand. Dragons.
It was fairly easy to find Tiamaris, when all was said and done. From about two blocks awaywhere blocks in this case were mostly defined by the charred remnants of what had previously been some of the sturdier buildings in the fiefKaylin could see the strangers. They didnt walk the way the rest of the mortals in the fief did; they walked as if they owned, or intended to own, the streets. They bristled with weapons, and although their armor wasnt in the best of repair, it was a damn sight better than what the rest of the citizens were wearing.
Not that there were any rest of anywhere in sight.
If, however, the strangers had suddenly decided to become meek and terrified, it would still have been easy to find Tiamaris at this distance because he was, at the moment, a very large Dragon. She glanced at Sanabalis, who didnt appear to have noticed.
Is he always like this?
Frequently. The Dragon form is more robust.
They made their way down the street, which attracted attention. It was easy to see why; they were the only more or less human-looking people who were actually approaching. Please dont tell me that theyre serving as his personal guard.
It isan informal guard.
Great. The very large sword that was being lowered in their general direction sure as hells didnt look informal. It did, however, make Kaylin and Severn stop much farther away than guards or thugs usually did; whatever Barren had managed to scrape off the streets had seldom been an actual threat. She lifted both hands, and turned them, palms out, toward the two men who had lowered their weapons; Severn did the same, although his hands were closer to his weapons. The two eight-foot-tall giants exchanged a few words and started to head toward the taller outline of Tiamaris.