Forcing his thoughts away from the hot surge he experienced, he said, Carline, I do care for you. A great deal. Sometimes I even think I love you as much as Roland does, but most of the time I only get confused when youre around. Thats the problem: theres so much confusion inside of me. I dont understand what it is I feel most of the time.
Her eyes narrowed, for this obviously wasnt the answer she expected. Her tone was sharp as she said, I dont know what you mean. Ive never known a boy so caught up in understanding things.
Pug managed to force a smile. Magicians are trained to seek explanations. Understanding things is very important to us. He saw a flicker of comprehension in her eyes at this and pressed on. I have two offices now, both new to me. I may not become a magician, in spite of Kulgans attempts to make me one, for I have trouble with a lot of my work. I dont really avoid you, you see, but with this trouble I have, I must spend as much time with my studies as I can.
Seeing his explanation was gaining little sympathy, he changed tactics. In any event, I have little time to consider my other office. I may end up another noble of your fathers court, running my estates small though they might be caring for my tenants, answering calls to arms, and the rest. But I cant even think of that until I resolve this other matter, my studies of magic. I must keep trying until Im satisfied I made the wrong choice. Or until Kulgan dismisses me, he added quietly.
He stopped and studied her face. Her large blue eyes watched him intently. Magicians are of little consequence in the Kingdom. I mean, should I become a master magician . . . Well, could you see yourself married to a magician, whatever his rank?
She looked slightly alarmed. Quickly she leaned over and kissed him again, rupturing his already frayed composure. Poor Pug, she said, pulling away a little. Her soft voice rang sweetly to his ears. You dont have to be. A magician, I mean. You have land and title, and I know Father could arrange others when the time was right.
Its not a question of what I want, dont you see? Its a question of what I am. Part of the problem may be I havent truly given myself over to my work. Kulgan took me for his apprentice as much from pity as need, you know. And in spite of what he and Tully have said, Ive never been really convinced I was especially talented. But perhaps I need to dedicate myself, commit myself to becoming a magician. He took a breath. How can I do that if Im concerning myself with my estates and offices? Or gaining new ones? He paused. Or you?
Carline bit her lower lip slightly, and Pug fought down the urge to take her in his arms and tell her everything would be all right. He had no doubt that once he did that, matters would quickly be beyond his control. No girl in his limited experience, even the prettier ones in the town, aroused such strong feelings in him.
Lowering her lashes a little as she looked down, she softly said, Ill do whatever you say, Pug. Pug felt relief for a moment, then the full impact of what she had just said hit him. Oh, gods! he thought. No magicians trick could keep him focused in the face of youthful passion. He frantically sought some way to drive desire from him and then thought of her father. Instantly an image of a scowling Duke of Crydee standing before the hangmans gibbet banished most of his lust.
Taking a deep breath, Pug said, In my own way, I do love you, Carline. Her face came aglow, and forfending disaster, he plunged on. But I think I should try to find out about myself before I try to make up my mind about the rest. His concentration was sorely tested as the girl seemed to ignore his remarks, being busy kissing his face.
Then she stopped and sat back. Her happy expression faded into one of thoughtfulness as her natural intelligence overrode her childish need to get everything she wanted. Comprehension came into her eyes as he said, If I chose now, Carline, I might always doubt the choice. Would you want to face the possibility I would come to resent you for the choice I made?
She said nothing for a while, then quietly said, No. I dont think I could stand that, Pug.
He breathed a sigh of relief as he felt tension drain away. Suddenly the room seemed cold, and both of them shivered. Carline gripped his hands tight, with surprising strength. She mustered a smile and said, with forced calm, I understand, Pug. She took a long breath, then softly added, Thats why I think I love you. You could never be false with anyone. Least of all with yourself.
Or you, Carline. Her eyes grew moist, but she maintained her smile. This isnt easy, Pug said, assaulted by feelings for the girl. Please, please, believe me, this is not easy.
Suddenly the tension broke, and Carline laughed softly, sweet music to Pug. Caught halfway between tears and laughter, she said, Poor Pug. Ive upset you.
Pugs face showed his relief at her understanding. He felt buoyant with his affection for the girl. Shaking his head slowly, with a smile of released tension that gave him a somewhat silly expression, he said, Youve no idea, Carline. No idea. He reached out and touched her face tenderly. We have time. Im not going anywhere.
From under lowered lashes, blue eyes regarded him with worry. Youll be leaving with Father soon.
I mean when I return. Ill be here for years. Gently he kissed her cheek. Forcing a lighter tone, he said, I cant inherit for three more years, thats the law. And I doubt your father would part with you for as many years yet. Attempting a wry smile, he added, In three years you might not be able to stand the sight of me.
She came softly into his arms, holding him tightly, her face resting on his shoulder. Never, Pug. I could never care for another. Pug could only marvel at the feel of her. Her body trembled as she said, I dont have words, Pug. Youre the only one who tried to . . . understand me. You see more than anyone else. Gently he pulled back a little and raised up her face with his hand. Again he kissed her, tasting salty tears upon her lips. She suddenly responded, holding him tighter and kissing him with passion. He could feel the heat of her body through the thin fabric of her gown, and heard soft sighing sounds in his ear as he felt himself drifting back into mindless passion, his own body beginning to respond. Steeling his resolve, he gently disengaged himself from Carlines embrace. Slowly he forced himself away from her and, with regret in his voice, said, I think you should return to your rooms, Carline.
Carline looked up at Pug, her cheeks flushed and her lips slightly parted. Her breathing was husky, and Pug fought a mighty struggle to control himself and the situation. More firmly, he said, You had best return to your rooms, now.
They rose slowly from the sleeping pallet, each intensely aware of the other. Pug held her hand a moment longer, then released it. He bent and retrieved her cloak, holding it for her as she slipped into it. Guiding her to the door, he pulled it open and peered down the steps of the tower. With no hint of anyone nearby, he opened the door fully. She stepped through, then turned. Softly she said, I know you think me a sometimes silly and vain girl, and there are times when I am, Pug. But I do love you.
Before he could say a word, she vanished down the stairs, the faint rustling of her cloak echoing in the darkness. Pug quietly closed the door and then put out the lamp. He lay upon his pallet, staring up into the darkness. He could still smell her fresh scent in the air around him, and the remembered touch of her soft body under his hands made them tingle. Now that she was gone and the need for self-control gone with her, he let longing rush through himself. He could see her face alive with desire for him. Covering his eyes with his forearm, he groaned softly to himself and said, Im going to hate myself tomorrow.
Before he could say a word, she vanished down the stairs, the faint rustling of her cloak echoing in the darkness. Pug quietly closed the door and then put out the lamp. He lay upon his pallet, staring up into the darkness. He could still smell her fresh scent in the air around him, and the remembered touch of her soft body under his hands made them tingle. Now that she was gone and the need for self-control gone with her, he let longing rush through himself. He could see her face alive with desire for him. Covering his eyes with his forearm, he groaned softly to himself and said, Im going to hate myself tomorrow.
Pug awoke to pounding on the door. His first thought as he scrambled toward the door was of the Duke having learned of Carlines visit. Hes here to hang me! was all he could think. It was still dark outside, so Pug opened the door expecting the worst. Instead of the girls angry father leading a company of castle guards, a castle porter stood outside the door.
Sorry to wake you, Squire, but Master Kulgan wishes you to join him at once, he said, pointing up toward Kulgans room. At once, he repeated, mistaking Pugs expression of relief for one of sleepy confusion. Pug nodded and shut the door.
He took stock. He was still dressed, having fallen asleep again without undressing. He stood quietly as his pounding heart stilled. His eyes felt as if they were packed with sand, and his stomach was upset, leaving a foul taste in his mouth. He went to his small table and splashed cold water on his face, muttering that he would never have another cup of ale again.
Pug reached Kulgans room and found the magician standing over a pile of personal belongings and books. Sitting on a stool by the magicians sleeping pallet was Father Tully. The priest watched the magician adding to the steadily growing pile and said, Kulgan, you cant take all those books along. You would need two pack mules for them, and where you would keep them aboard ship where they would do you any good is beyond me.
Kulgan looked at two books he held, like a mother regarding her young. But I must take them along to further the boys education.
Pah! So youll have something to mull over around the campfires and aboard ship, more likely. Spare me excuses. You will be riding hard to clear the South Pass before it is snowed in. And who can read in a ship crossing the Bitter Sea in winter? The boy will only be away from his studies a month or two. Hell have over eight years more study after that. Give him a rest.
Pug was perplexed by the conversation and tried to ask a question, but was ignored by the two old companions as they bickered. After several more remonstrations from Tully, Kulgan surrendered. I suppose youre right, he said, tossing the books onto his pallet. He saw Pug waiting by the door and said, What? Still here?
Pug said, You havent told me why you sent for me yet, Kulgan.
Oh? Kulgan said, eyes blinking wide like those of a barn owl caught in a bright light. I havent? Pug nodded. Well, then. The Duke orders us ready to ride at first light. The dwarves have not answered, but he will not wait. The North Pass is almost certain to be closed, and he fears snow in the South Pass. Kulgan said as an aside, Which he should. My weather nose tells me snow is nearly here. We are in for an early and hard winter.
Tully shook his head as he stood up. This from the man who predicted drought seven years ago, when we had the worst flooding in memory. Magicians! Charlatans, all of you. He walked slowly to the door, then stopped to look at Kulgan, his mock irritation replaced by genuine concern. Though you are right this time, Kulgan. My bones ache deeply. Winter is upon us.
Tully left and Pug asked, Were leaving?
With exasperation, Kulgan said, Yes! I just said so, didnt I? Get your things together and quickly. Dawns less than an hour away.
Pug turned to leave, when Kulgan said, Oh, a moment, Pug.
The magician crossed to the door and glanced through it, ensuring Tully was down the stairs and out of earshot. Kulgan turned to Pug and said, I have no fault to find with your behavior . . . but should you in the future find yourself with another late-night caller, I suggest you not subject yourself to further . . . testing. Im not so sure you would do as well a second time.
Pug blanched. You heard?
Kulgan pointed to a spot where the floor and wall met. That fire-pot thing of yours exits the wall a foot below there, and it seems a marvelous conduit for sound. Absently he said, Ill have to look to see how it conducts sound so well when we return. Returning to the boy, he said, In any event, I was working late and didnt mean to eavesdrop, but I heard every word. Pug flushed. Kulgan said, I dont mean to embarrass you, Pug. You acted rightly and showed surprising wisdom. Putting his hand upon Pugs shoulder, he said, Im not one to advise you in such matters, I fear, as Ive had scant experience with women, of any age, let alone such young and headstrong ones. Looking Pug in the eyes, he said, But this much I do know, it is almost impossible in the heat of the moment to understand long-term consequences. I am proud you were able to do this.
Pug smiled self-consciously. It was easy enough, Kulgan, I just kept my mind focused on something.
What?
Capital punishment.
Kulgan laughed, a sharp barking sound, then said, Very well, but the potential for disaster would be as high for the Princess, too, Pug. A citybred noblewoman of the eastern court may indulge herself in as many lovers of any rank that she can enjoy while maintaining discretion, but the only daughter of a frontier duke who is so closely related to the king has no such luxury. She must be above suspicion in all things. Even suspicion could harm Carline. One who cares for her would take that into consideration. Do you understand?
Pug nodded, fully relieved now that he had resisted temptation the night before.
Good, I know youll be careful in the future. Kulgan smiled. And dont mind old Tully. Hes just cross because the Duke ordered him to stay behind. He still thinks hes as young as his acolytes. Now run along and get ready. Dawns less than an hour away.
Pug nodded and hurried off, leaving Kulgan to regard the piles of books before him. With regret he picked the nearest one up and placed it on a nearby shelf. After a moment he grabbed another and stuffed it into a sack. Just one wont cause any harm, he said to the invisible specter of Tully shaking his head in disapproval. He put the rest of the books back on the shelf, save the last volume, which he shoved into the sack. All right, then, he said defiantly, two!
CHAPTER EIGHT
Journey
A LIGHT WET SNOW WAS FALLING.
Pug shivered under his greatcloak, sitting astride his horse. He had been in the saddle for the last ten minutes, waiting as the rest of the Dukes company made ready.
The courtyard filled with hurrying, shouting men, lashing supplies onto the balky mules of the baggage train. Dawn was just commencing, giving the courtyard a little color instead of the blacks and grey that had greeted Pug when he came from the tower. Porters had already carried his baggage down and were securing it among the other items being brought along.
A panicked Whoa! erupted behind Pug, and he turned to see Tomas pulling frantically at the reins of a spirited bay, his head tossing high. Like Pugs own sleek, light war-horse, he was a far cry from the old draft animal they had ridden to the site of the shipwreck. Dont pull so hard, Pug shouted. Youll saw at his mouth and make him mad. Pull back gently and release a couple of times.